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Someone I would trust with the safety and happiness of my genitals any day.”

“The Samantha Bee of our nether regions.”

the internet

Epiphora as a superheroHEY. I’m Epiphora. This is my sex toy review blog. What, you thought people only blogged about nail polish?!

I mostly write sex toy reviews (and give away my favorites), but I also muse about the latest and greatest and worst fails of the adult industry, chronicle my porn-filled jack-off sessionsanswer reader questions, publish an annual best/worst list, write the occasional guide, post the occasional video, and tweet like a fiend. One time I talked 16 people into trying a horrible condom — a crowning achievement to be sure.1

I’ve been reviewing sex toys since 2007. I now own over 500, according to my spreadsheet. I store them in an army of plastic drawers in my closet because they outgrew their previous locales. Sex toys have been instrumental in my sex life, having taught me how to enjoy penetration as well as where my G-spot is and how to squirt. Also, my clit is a lefty and the space between my vagina and clit measures 2″. In case you were wondering.

I’m brutally honest, snarky, a bit jaded, and don’t believe in sugar-coating anything except my coffee. I will without hesitation point out when a sex toy is completely worthless and a waste of orgasms — or when sex toy companies are liarsmisogynists, racists, full of shit, body-shaming, or sex-negative. But when I love something, I will walk across hot coals to tell you all about it.

My life. Surrounded by sex toys and blogging.I’m a pansexual, catloving, pink-hating feminist in a long-term open relationship with an adorably clueless dude who serves as my sounding board, cat wrangler, and begrudged guinea pig (hey, at least he gets some Fleshlights out of it). I also have a sex blogger girlfriend, who fangirls about and tests sex toys with me. This blog is pretty much my life, although I also work at a local sex toy boutique and spend the rest of my time engrossed by serial killer documentaries and Tegan & Sara banter videos.

As you might suspect, my vulva has been put through its paces, and it has become a discerning beast, but the worst things I’ve subjected it to would be the spiky dildo of death, the Split Dildo (YEP), the toy that gave me the worst orgasm of my life, some offensive kegel balls, a vibrator that embarrassed me, a worthless phone app, the vibe that made me feel like I’d pooped my pants, the one that put me in a gorilla stance, and the one that shocked me — literally. I often wonder, “did humans even test this?

Being a professional masturbator can certainly be a challenge, but it has its perks… like that one time a stranger gifted me a $1,300 sex machine.

My most popular posts include my review of the Pure Wand, my take-down of porn misogynist Khan Tusion, my review of the Eroscillator, my horror at homemade dildo videos (because, to my despair, people are constantly Googling “how to make a homemade dildo”), and my review of the James Deen dildos. A lot of people come to my site looking for “pussy painting,” awkwardly enough.

Vibratex Mystic Wand, We-Vibe Tango, Tantus Little Secret sleeves, We-Vibe Touch, LELO Mona 2, Tantus Echo, Tantus Cush

My most controversial reviews (by which I mean, A Man somewhere got mad about them) have been the Revel Body, Treeze Wave, and Split Dildo. I am not swayed by spurious legal threats and so I’ve enjoyed taking down flawed scientific studies and media reportingunethical sex toy companiespompous “authors,” mansplainers, and even random people who write articles about vibrators yet know nothing about vibrators.

If I could only take 3 sex toys to a deserted island, first I’d roll my eyes at you for asking me such a question… I have a nice arsenal of favorites that represent a variety of sensations. BUT IF YOU INSIST, not counting lube, I guess the LELO Mona 2, Pure Wand, and something made of VixSkin. MAYBE. I’d cry leaving behind my Eroscillator, NobEssence SeductionComet Wand, Stronic Eins, and Crystal Delights toys, though.

The sex toy industry is unregulated, so there are many toxic toys out there. I used to be a lot less aware of this, but now I make a point of only reviewing body-safe toys, usually at a higher price point, because YOUR GENITALS DESERVE THE BEST and rechargeable toys are the shit. I also fight against sex toy misconceptions, like that vibrators are addictive or can numb you permanently.

Now what?

  1. To be fair, I didn’t know it would be as horrible as it turned out… []