Feb 162016
 

SelfDelve produce-shaped sex toys

These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, cornbananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS.

I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote:

I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe looking) curved banana. The surface texture is similar to Tantus’s glossy silicone, but this silicone is a little softer. The pigment is thermochromic, meaning the colors change with temperature! My banana looks more ripe at body temperature.

My SelfDelve Corn on the Cob

Update, 12/14/16: my SelfDelve Corn on the Cob!

What. Yes. This is so cool and so awesomely ’90s. Color-changing produce-shaped dildos! SelfDelve also makes an apple ball gag, a pickle-shaped pelvic floor trainer (gherkin, says the translation), an ergonomically curved cucumber, dildos shaped like corn, bananas, carrots, and eggplants, and a sleeve that turns your penis into a piece of corn (why NOT).

They make non-produce shapes, too: dildos inspired by elements, ball gags, kegel balls, and many other fantastical offerings.

Even if you’re not a fan of vegetables, these creations are worth viewing for the incredible colors alone. My favorite part of their site is the “Extra Wishes” section, which is filled with photos of custom pieces they’ve done, such as rainbow-marbled vegetables (!!!!), a ball gag patterned like a strawberry, CAMO CORN, and a silicone version of a Prosecco bottle.

Real banana vs. SelfDelve banana dildo Rainbow marbled produce-shaped sex toys from SelfDelve! Camouflage silicone corn dildos from SelfDelve

(The banana photo is from my reader, featuring a real banana vs. their banana
dildo at room temperature. This is no half-assed Magic Banana, people.)

I always love translated English, but it’s especially delightful when sex toys are involved. Here’s how SelfDelve explains why they make produce-shaped sex toys:

Nature gives us many fruits wonderful game templates. Unfortunately, the woody ends of the real bananas are scratchy, corncobs sprayed stiff and cucumber peel and therefore tend not compatible mucosa. The result was the “Garden of Eden” – any fruit now comes without the inherent drawbacks in your bedroom. Moreover: where else do you get corn in February?

Ahhhh, someone please transport me to Germany so I can see and feel these beautiful treasures in person. A custom rainbow dildo sounds PRETTY appealing right now… I wonder if they could make me an ear of corn with a G-spot curve?

Get 5% off your order at SelfDelve with code EPIPHORA.

SelfDelve fruit- and vegetable-shaped sex toys and more!

  • It’s funny how poor English sounds so much worse with shitty toys and so endearing with awesome toys.

    I want that swirly rainbow tie-dye 90s-nightmare corn!!

  • Oh my god that’s SO TRUE

  • Lunabelle

    I have been coveting SelfDelve toys for years because weird dildos are the best. They also have an adorable red mushroom and one with a snake wrapped around it and tho post has reminded me how much I want ALL THE THINGS.

  • HeadlessLegoMom

    I actually own a plastic asparagus. To own a silicone one would be enlightenment.

  • HeadlessLegoMom

    They do glitter & glow-in-the-dark too! My inner child is ecstatic!

  • Umm I want ALL of them!

  • glory

    OH MY GLOB THAT STRAPLESS STRAP-ON

  • Run Amok

    My mouth is stuck in a gape of delight.

  • chamekke

    My favourite comment was on the aubergine (eggplant) dildo: “I admire the women who can take this toy voluptuous enthusiastically.”

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  • K. Scott

    I want to put my mouth on all of them – not even in a sexy way – maybe a little in a sexy way

  • nilla

    a gherkin for jerkin’…bahahahahaha

  • AceDenise

    These are about the only vegetables that I would enjoy, ha! And I love how colorful they all are. I have to admit, this line of yours in particular made me chuckle: “There’s a fucking asparagus, you guys.” I see what you did there. A “fucking” asparagus. Heehee. Thank you for introducing me to another awesome company I did not know about before making great toys, and for another Hell Yes post. Seems like there haven’t been many of those lately.

  • robodragonn

    WHAT WHERE???

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    I think the texture on the ears of corn could be a lot of fun.

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    What is it about Germany and whimsical sex toys? Fun Factory is fairly conventional compared to this stuff, but even they are responsible for the cute caterpillar anal beads.

  • Rin

    I want. That. Banana. So help me, at some point in my life, I will own that banana dildo if I have to march across the bottom of the Atlantic all the way to Germany to get it.

    I couldn’t tell you why, but I just really want a banana dildo. However, it has to look the part, so the pink silicone banana I’ve seen at some shops simply won’t do, and I’m not a big glass fan (I like my cocks to be bendy and squishy) so while the one linked here is cheap enough to consider, it probably wouldn’t see much use which is a shame.

    But a realistically-colored silicone banana? I’d fuck myself with it, then cover it in banana-flavored lube just to nom on it for a while.

  • Scott Louise

    Wow nice blog, Thank you for sharing. All types of sex toys are looking really unique natural. I appreciate sex toys is best for enhancing sexual power of human. I purchased all types of sex toys from an online store Pleasure Playz.

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  • The rainbow versions are pretty cool, but think I’d stick to the elemental inspired pieces. I guess there’s something for everyone though..

  • The Darling Kinkshamer

    What kind of yaoi is that?! Lol.

  • Tzipora

    I’ve seen a couple of British sex toy reviewers review these. I’m curious about the size and feel of that amazing asparagus. Has potential but if it’s as narrow as it looks I don’t know.

    Also omfg did you see the little finger berries in the custom stuff? I want one of those. Bet you could fit it on a Tango and gah, can you imagine???

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