Feb 032015
 

Pipedream Ceramix No. 4 ceramic dildoI wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting a Magic 8 Ball. The Ceramix No. 4 doesn’t feel like that, which is one reason you shouldn’t buy it. But it’s not the main one.

The other reason is that it’s made by Pipedream. I hate this company and want to burn it to the ground. They have violently sexist and racist marketing, which they defend with statements about how men are basically pigs anyway. They write upsetting press releases and send repulsive emails. Their silicone dildos are stuffed with foam, their “metal” toys are nowhere near stainless steel, and they rip off shapes from njoy and Crystal Delights. The rest of their toys are ridiculous, unsafe, and toxic, because, according to them, “most of our customers don’t give a shit what their toy is made of.” They are known for their celebrity sex dolls, and they recently stooped to a new level of reprehensible when they created a blow-up doll called J-Law Hacked. Because profiting from a sex crime is cool now.

Still, I understand that once in a while people need a cheap glass dildo or harmless hard plastic vibrator, and I was intrigued by the promise of the Ceramix line: some of the toys in it are hollow (bonus: we know they’re not stuffed with foam!) and can be filled with warm or cool water to adjust sensation.

The cynical side of me said that the hollow “feature” was Pipedream cutting corners and calling it innovation. The tiny, almost microscopic angel on my shoulder told me to give Ceramix a chance.

The packaging is trying, with its lightly-embossed image, text, and silver accents, but there are a few clues this toy is made by dummies. Like icons denoting temperature play (true), strap-on compatibility (uhh), and that the toy is lead-free, nickel-free, cadmium-free, and phthalate-free. Hint: you know it’s a shitty company when they feel the need to point out that there are no phthalates in a material that should never, in any circumstance, contain them. The back of the box claims the toy will hold heat for up to 20 (!!) minutes (!!!). Inside, there is just a hunk of styrofoam with a cut-out cradling the toy. No instructions, no storage bag.

$36 can’t buy you everything, people.

There’s no way of actually verifying that the glaze on this toy is body-safe. It does seem fine, though — sturdy, uniform, no sign of wear or chipping with use. However, the imperfect white painted circles are lightly raised in a way that makes me question whether the toy is still coated in vag goo when I’m giving it one of my signature rough handjob cleanings. The cork is difficult to remove and I fear chipping my nail polish, so I’ve resorted to using one of my point brushes (which are also great for scraping stickers off things and getting gunk out of crevasses).

The shape of this toy is so blasé. It’s like an undefined lump someone tossed together in pottery class. I should’ve maybe picked a dildo with an actual curve, but I was swayed by the blue. In use, it feels tame and inoffensive. Sometimes it gets turned around inside me, but it doesn’t even matter because it feels the same no matter which way it’s turned. I can’t feel the movement or sloshing of the water barely at all. REPLY HAZY TRY AGAIN.

One time I used cold water in it. It was nice and cool for about 10 minutes — just as glass or stainless steel would be after being exposed to cold water.

When I pour hot water in it, the heat is mild, short-lived, and kind of odd. At first, it’s like getting in someone’s car and slowly perceiving the creeping sensation of warmth on your ass. Then it feels relaxing and pleasant. But it dissipates after about 10 minutes, and I really only notice the heat externally — on my clit and around my vaginal opening. Inserted, it just blends into my apparent inferno of a vagina.

Here’s the thing. The time it takes to fill the Ceramix No. 4 with water could just as easily be used to run a toy under the tap, and the result is eerily similar — at least with toys made of aluminum and stainless steel. Actually, when I ran my Pure Wand under hot water, it became significantly hotter than the Ceramix No. 4.

Also, novel concept I know, but you could just wait for your orifice of choice to warm up a toy. The aluminum and stainless steel toys, for instance, took three minutes to become room temperature inside my vag, and four more to become hotter. I mean, if you don’t have seven minutes to preheat your sex toys with your vagina, you probably don’t have time to hustle to the sink to preheat them.

After a while, I began to hate the Ceramix No. 4 for what it was subjecting me to. The inanity of testing, of getting up constantly to run things under water and put in new water and warmer water. It was like the nightmarish manifestation of every “tip” about sex toy temperature play (“warm it up in a bowl of water! Your hubby will love you more!”).

I eventually became so displeased by the lack of discernible, lasting heat that I mumbled, “fine, motherfuckers, I’m gonna pour boiling water into it.” I casually wondered if this would break the toy. Didn’t care. Did it anyway.

It didn’t break, but it was an entire hour until I could safely use the Ceramix No. 4. Then it felt fine, but not any warmer than previous masturbation attempts. As it turns out, the temperature of hot tap water is that temperature for a reason — because it’s what our bodies can comfortably withstand. In related news, I’m an idiot.

It’s not the toy’s fault I’m an idiot. And I shouldn’t release all my pent-up rage about Pipedream on a dildo that, by all accounts, is mind-numbingly boring. But that’s just it: if you’re going to abandon all your morals, you should at least get a rad sex toy in return. The Ceramix No. 4 is not a rad sex toy. Sure, it feels good when I’m close to orgasm and I shove it the fuck into my G-spot, and yes, okay, I squirted a bit when I came with Siri 2 against my clit. But that was more a product of it being my final orgasm of the night — you know, the one I waited an hour for.

The boiling water incident was not the first time I secretly hoped the Ceramix No. 4 would break. At one point I was taking photos for my sex blogger house buying post and I was carrying that little table with the toys on it and I thought to myself “if that Ceramix dildo fell and broke, I wouldn’t have to review or use it again.” So there you go. I tried to sabotage this review many a time, but never succeeded, so I’ll have to settle for being a complete bitch instead. Don’t buy this toy. Fuck Pipedream. The end.

Want to play with temperature?
Your money would be better spent on the Rosa Rouge or anything njoy.

  • Stephanie R.

    I have the No. 5 and it’s pretty decent, though the length + hardness makes reaching the ribbed part nearly impossible. So that and the fact that it’s made by a shitty company (and reminds me of that company) make me crave it very rarely.

  • I’m oddly glad to hear this toy sucks. I only recently learned how much pipedreams sucks, and was glad I found out before I replaced my Icicles #8 that I accidentally broke. When I saw this toy I was curious because of the temperature play aspect but I’ll just save up for a better glass or metal toy if decide I really want that.

  • I liked the Ceramix dildos that I tried. The vibrator was complete crap. But yeah, it’s Pipedream. I’ve put a disclaimer on my Pipedream reviews with a link to my post about the J-Law sex doll and I doubt I’ll review anything else from them.

  • I’ve always been wary of Pipedream, but the J Law Hacked doll was the last straw (& wake up call) for me. I admit that I was intrigued by the ceramics line, and was even supposed to review a couple of items, but I’m glad they flaked and never sent them, and I’m glad to hear this dildo is nothing to write home about. I get that people are willing to overlook problems because they have affordable “quality” materials like glass, metal, and silicone…but after finding out that their silicone dildos are full of foam and many toys have coatings that peel off…I don’t see any reason to give them our money or time. Sexist & racist marketing+crap products is not a winning combination. I love that you hoped the Ceramix would break… but since it didn’t, this review is the perfect revenge.

  • I have the Ceramix 4 and 5, I much prefer the 5. I crush ice into it to keep it cold. Whack it in a bag with a rolling pin and then push it in!

  • lol this made me chuckle all the way through, love it!

  • You don’t fuck around!

  • Marilee

    I snorted with laughter through basically the entire review! It’s a shame that I still think it’s cute. I suppose I could find a ceramic coffee mug on Etsy with the same awkward white polka dots.

  • Totally! This is a really good point! Because I was too easily swayed by the cute polka dots too!

  • The Dr Dick Review Crew absolutely forbade me to accept any more Pipedream toys from any source years ago. I am totally with you on they are the worst of the worst.

  • Rin

    I can’t help but think that this toy looks like a knick-knack I’d find in my grandmother’s house (and knowing my grandmother, that statement may not be far off, come to think of it…). Like someone really screwed up when they were trying to make a teacup or flower pot and just went ahead and sold it anyway. XD Abstract statue for the mantlepiece or sex toy? You decide!

  • Dannicula

    “Fuck Pipedream. The end.”

    Accurate.

  • Jane

    I am really hoping that some of the other makers of affordable glass toys start gaining more traction. I’ve been happy with toys from Joyful Pleasures (only a little more expensive, Shevibe has them) and Gläs toys (just as cheap or cheaper, though none of my fave shops carry them yet) and am so glad I found them *before* I bought any of the Icicles.

  • The one place where I will cut them an inch of slack is on the possibility hollow being a “cutting corners” thing. As you know I have a ceramic toy that I quite like that predates this by a couple of years (and is by a now-defunct company) and they did the exact same “It’s hollow, fill it with water for different temperatures and sensations” thing.

    That made it even funnier when PD insisted to me (ANME July 2013) that they were the first to be doing ceramic toys. Even while I played nice and said “Ceramic! Cool, I love my ceramic dildo” and they replied with “You couldn’t have gotten one yet, they aren’t out” – that was the start of a fun conversation, it was like talking to a robot preprogrammed with answers.

  • Amelia-Marie Altstadt

    That is hilarious. I made a dildo out of ceramics myself once, though this was in high school so of course I couldn’t get it fired in the kiln, so I never saw if it would have worked.
    The reason I’m laughing at this “innovation” “it’s hollow for temperature play!” deal is that ceramic dildos are hollow is because they have to be! Otherwise the whole thing would likely blow up in the kiln. Trying to pass this off as a new innovation is silly.
    That being said, I think ceramic is a great material. There are so many glazes that are nonporous, although I wouldn’t try using two different glazes like this company did on a single toy- you’re risking a lot with a toy that is meant to be inserted. The material itself does conduct heat in a way that definitely reminds me of the aluminum dildos I own (that I got, based on Epiphora’s review here).

  • I’m also glad to hear this toy sucks because I was intrigued by it’s shape and cute polka dots, but felt too guilty to buy it (because Pipedream). Glad to know I made the right decision.

  • Pegasister42

    It’s too bad that Pipedream’s the worst. Some stuff in the icicles line looked good.

  • Dane

    Agreed, I’ve been lusting after after Icicles 24 for 3 or 4 years, and now I don’t want to get it cause Pipedream is so shitty :/ Nobody makes anything similar

  • Pantophile Panic

    If Pipedream stopped existing tomorrow I would not be sad.

  • Kat

    I was going to suggest this: http://www.babes-n-horny.com/product.php?id_product=98 – silicone, from Babes and Horny (a small UK company) and with cute clouds – but it’s a fair bit smaller.

  • Jane

    Ttamage on etsy has done some similar ones, as well as some other etsy sellers that have straight up knockoffs (one of which might be the factory pipedream sources from, given the China location and the hella cheap price.)

  • Strophoria

    Thanks for the tip! I’ll check that out

  • FieryRed

    “[M]ost of our customers don’t give a shit what their toy is made of.” Uh, no, Pipedream. Most of your customers assume sex toys are made of safe materials, because we have regulations about such things in the U.S., right? So they don’t think to actually inquire about regulations or about materials.

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  • FieryRed

    Right? I thought the #8 was very pretty, but even for a small-toy lover like me, it was too small to do much, and that iridescent coating seemed so sketchy – not to mention that the coating made it less slick. I’m thinking Doc Johnson’s larger version, the Amber Wand, might be a slightly-less-bad choice…