Feb 052014
 

Magic Banana kegel exerciser and dildo... with added Bananagram empowerment!Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lockthighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be good in my vagina”?

Yeah, me either.

And so, I was prepared to hate the Magic Banana, because:

1. Just look at it.
2. It’s called the Magic Banana.
3. Just look at it.
4. It came with a “note on empowerment.”
5. Just look at it.

COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER!

Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.”

Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is simultaneously hokey and woo-woo. Like, the manual actually has a section entitled “Getting to Know Your Magic Banana.” The creator of this toy is Janeson Rayne, a “yoga educator, veggie chef, fine artist, and mom,” and her face is splashed all over everything, in a way that kinda starts to feel like your mom is watching you masturbate and giving you disturbingly specific G-spot tips. This toy is a “self-exploration tool,” I am told over and over, as though I’m about to enter a sweat lodge and find out who I really am. The advice is mostly inoffensive, except when it claims that the Magic Banana can induce clitoral orgasms, and when the word “breathe” is used instead of “breath.”

However! Underneath all the fruit and yoga references, there’s a sex toy that at least does something different. The problem is that it’s as overpriced as organic food and fine art.

Touted as both a kegel exerciser and a G-spotting implement, the Magic Banana is made of medical grade plastic tubing — which was confirmed as non-porous only after the woman who created it asked the manufacturer. It reminds me of those sweet-ass jump ropes in grade school, only not nearly as floppy. My boyfriend didn’t realize it was a sex toy at first (which, how? Every new thing I ever acquire is a sex toy), so I guess in some world that would make it “discreet.” Only it’s far too odd to be overlooked.

As you might imagine, the Magic Banana is a treat to insert. You have to pinch it together and drizzle the lube just so over the loop. Once it’s in, I suggest keeping it there until you’re done. Otherwise you’ll be tasked with re-inserting a lubey tubey mess.

I braced myself for Split Dildo-like sensations of being opened up with a softish speculum, then being gently disemboweled via the vaginal canal. The Magic Banana is nothing like that. The Magic Banana is very subtle, very tame.

Use #1: For the “inner magical muscles.” Uh, yeah — PC muscles. Sure, it doesn’t try to escape my vagina. Sure, it physically moves down and up when I squeeze it with my muscles, as a lot of things would. But it feels like nothingness. Now, if there were a gauge on the end telling me how much pressure I was exerting, then I’d be impressed. Otherwise, the Luna Beads are a lot more fun and don’t require me to take time out of my day to sit there slack-jawed and flexing.

Use #2: Pleasure. Just clenching it does little for my G-spot, unlike with toys that are curved or bulbous on the tip. The stimulation here comes from movement, because I can feel it expanding slightly against my G-spot as I tug on it. It isolates the G-spot stimulation, giving no vaginal wall stimulation at all. Truth: when I fuck myself furiously with it, it’s kinda great. I can even get really into it and nudge my cervix.

I keep thinking, this is a G-spot toy for people who don’t want to feel anything. For people who want G-spot stimulation but don’t want any sort of perceptible girth. Literally, even the diminutive Tantus Acute feels bigger than the Magic Banana.

I have a theory that the Magic Banana could help folks find their G-spots, but I’m 5 years out from finding mine and in no position to be making pronouncements like that, especially considering the lukewarm reviews I’ve read from people I trust (i.e. not the Ashley Madison blog). So, until I read a report of someone discovering their G-spot thanks to the Magic Banana, I remain skeptical.

Use #3 (invented by me, you’re welcome): Vaginal clog removal.™ This thing lassoes the blood and vag gunk right out of me, making the towel look riddled with blood spatter. However, this talent makes the Magic Banana amazing for removing errant things from my vagina. It was able to corral and remove tiny ben wa balls from deep inside of me on the FIRST TRY, and I bet it would also work well for sweeping out a menstrual cup.

But I keep coming back to the price. $69? Really? Assembly of the Magic Banana cannot take more than 5 minutes. They probably glue each end of the tube into the handle and call it a day. If this were $30, I’d say go for it. It’s a different sensation, something weird to add to your toybox, but not for $69.

Banana fiends would be better off getting the $36 Oh Oui Pink Banana vibrator or Bananagrams game (or, if you’re just really into vibrating fruit, the Minna LimonRianne S Forbidden Fruit apple, or this atrocity). Kegel fiends would be better off getting the actually-fun Luna Beads. And G-spot fiends would be better off getting one of the many things that, on most days, I’d rather fuck myself furiously with. You won’t be empowered, I guess, but… oh well?

Thank you, SheVibe!

  1. That’s an actual sentence written on the empowerment note. []
  • http://loraxofsex.com/ Lorax Of Sex

    When I first saw this thing (ages ago- it might have been you and I talking to each other no less) my FIRST thought was “Oh man, I’ll bet that would be genius at getting menstrual cups out that have death-gripped onto my cervix!”. Does this mean I gotta pay you royalties on that shit now, since you beat me to the trademarking?

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Yeah, because I’m pretty sure all that’s involved in trademarking is putting the trademark symbol after something. The sex toy industry taught me that!

  • Sarah

    Oddly, I think the Magic Banana has been the toy that’s made it easiest to really pinpoint where my G-spot is. However, I wasn’t able to actually get anywhere close to orgasm. Just location. It was a nice sensation, but I agree with you: The price tag is unwarranted.

  • http://arollinthehay.com/ arollinthehay

    The Bananagrams photo with it is the most brilliant thing I’ve seen today.

    Further your review was so amazing, I read it out loud to the husband, and we both sat here laughing hysterically.

  • Jillian Boyd

    I was anticipating this review like you wouldn’t believe. It sounds very woo-woo, but I guess it’s kind of inventive? I dunno. But I imagine it’s ace for vaginal clog removal. Not $69 ace, but still.

  • http://karasutrareviews.com/ Kara_Sutra

    What can I say, us Canadians think we’re pretty smart when it comes to making shit.

    In case you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the episode she was on Dragons Den back in 2006, wanted $300,000 + 30% dividends to get it going. No one would touch it. Starts around the 26 min mark: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mip7Ok7XbWk

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    HOW ON EARTH DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS

  • http://karasutrareviews.com/ Kara_Sutra

    Please tell me that ^ was sarcastic. *stares blankly*

  • http://karasutrareviews.com/ Kara_Sutra

    p.s. I love that she’s selling a product for kegels, yet struggles to even say the word.

  • http://www.redheadbedhead.com/ The Redhead Bedhead

    Vaginal clog removal.

    This review both made me laugh loud enough to wake up not one but two dogs AND gave me the answer to the question “what is the easiest way to dig out a sea sponge tampon after vigorous sex?”

    The Epipo-rooter. That’s what you should call your (totally patented) vaginal clog remover.

  • Pantophile Panic

    Your photography genius does not get enough credit. The Bananagrams bag with the word empowerment spelled out is just so perfect. Do the ideas for sex toy photos just flow into your mind while you are taking a shower and trying to sleep, or what? Your review made me laugh and was super informative. I would have never thought to use the Magic Banana to fish things out of my vag. That would be so perfect for when I need to change my Nuva Ring! If only it wasn’t so stupidly expensive. Thanks for the snark.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    This one was easy: I thought about banana-related things that I own. Not gonna lie, though, I do have a document on my computer listing other potential photo ideas such as “on top of my zig zag sweater” and “in green drawer thingy” for the times when I have no other ideas.

  • Guest

    Ok, those margins just piss me off. Sale time.

  • http://PrettyBoiVin.Tumblr.com Vincent Alexander

    It sounds like a tongue scraper, for the vagina.

  • Tom

    ALSO, NO ONE IN THAT ROOM WILL SAY THE WORD “VAGINA”.

  • http://ofsexandlove.com/ Adriana Ravenlust

    I like that this is outside of the box..

  • Robin McClanahan

    Vaginal clog remover! Laughter for days.
    Though when I saw “banana” in the title, I was so hoping for this to be a review of one of the ridic pink banana dildos, with frothing rage that sex toy makers insist on making a yellow fruit pink so that it’s okay for people to fuck themselves with it.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I did use that pink banana in my post where I frothed at the mouth about pink!

  • kissmekasi

    I have FINALLY figured out how to comment on your blog! Prepare for EVERYTHING to be commented on!

    But, I’ve got to say, nothing will describe the disappointment I felt when I saw that this was not shaped like a banana. My world crashed around me, and I looked completely distressed.

    I’d actually give this thing a try if it wasn’t priced at $69. I can find a clusterfuck of other sex toys I’d rather use that cost that much and have amazing reviews (that I found here of course).
    I’m still bummed it’s not shaped like a freaking banana. Mainly because it’s called “Magic Banana”. Don’t lie to me. It’s not a Magic Banana. It’s the Magic-Yellow-Mini-Jump Rope-Thing.

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