Dec 192013
 

Shiri Zinn Cupcake vibrator, and the tools to dismantle the patriarchyThis sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river.

So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation.

Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves.

It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts you to important facts like “Cupcake has 5-speeds”1 and “Cupcake is NOT waterproof or splash proof!” which I imagine being spoken very very slowly to me as if I were a 2-year-old.

Oh, how I wish I could regale you with stories of my highly unladylike orgasms, since the creator of this toy considers orgasms so explicit that they will “tarnish” her “brand image.” She has advised reviewers to “keep ALL reviews as cute, clean & classy as possible,” which apparently does not involve THE ACTUAL GODDAMN REASON MOST PEOPLE BUY A SEX TOY. Give that a think: Shiri Zinn, maker of sex toys, finds orgasms to be ugly, dirty, trashy, and detrimental to her “brand.”

But I can barely reach orgasm with this sugary $56 piece of shit, so I’ll have to settle for calling it a piece of shit.

There are only two vibration intensities. The low one is worthless. I knew it was a problem when I was super fucking horny from watching Trans Grrrls and still, nothing. I press and press and just — nothing. Counterintuitive to all things, the vibrations are in the wrapper, where the button and the motor are — not in the cherry or icing. The high setting eventually brought me to orgasm, but it was the kind of orgasm I would never have if I didn’t review sex toys for a living.

Then I look down and I’m holding a fucking cupcake against my vulva and that’s just embarrassing.

Speaking of that, the Cupcake is an unconscionable vulva hog.

And according to a very reliable news source2, cupcakes aren’t cool anymore.

But mostly, don’t purchase sex toys from manufacturers who consider orgasms grotesque and want to censor sex toy reviewers. No, I don’t care if your BFF is a baker and their birthday is coming up. Get them some nice measuring spoons or something instead. $41 saved, no beats missed. And if they want a sex toy, get them one that doesn’t mock them at every turn — and actually gives them orgasms. Intense, mind-boggling, grunting, eye-bulging, gushing orgasms. As nature intended.

Suck on that, Shiri Zinn.

  1. Wrong. It has two speeds followed by three patterns. []
  2. J/K []
  • http://lotusbloomsalexandria.com/ Rebecca Hiles

    I have no idea why anyone would buy a cupcake shaped vibrator anyway…

    The question I have, is whether it’s comfortable for your hands. I know that every so often it’s really hard for me to hold toys that are longer in place, I can only imagine how much of a pain in the ass it is to hold this thing in place with enough pressure to reach an orgasm. Anyways, yeah, is it even easy to hold?

  • Skies

    If your friend likes cupcakes a lot please consider just buying or making them some actual cupcakes. (It’s me. I’m the friend who wants cupcakes.)

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    No. No it is not.

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com/ dizzygirl

    Bravo! I agree 100% with everything you said. The Cupcake Vibe is a total failure on all fronts. An overpriced hunk of junk. Well, dizzyguy did enjoy teabagging it but still. I’ll add your link to the rest of the cupcake reviews.

  • http://www.clitical.com Jenne

    I’m thinking this should have been placed in the gag section of any adult store worth it’s weight, because from all the reviews, I’ve read including yours Epiphora, that seems the most appropriate.

    “Then I look down and I’m holding a fucking cupcake against my vulva and that’s just embarrassing.”
    This is my favorite line from this entire review and just about sums it all up when you think about -))

  • sheboppin

    haha thanks for the excellent Almost Famous reference. Its been awhile since I’ve heard one, usually I’m making them too often for my own good.

  • StarieNite

    Has she read your blog before? I laughed when i read her disclaimer on the reviews. I was thinking, did she really tell Epiphora how to write?

  • http://beckandherkinks.com/ Beck

    You’re more likely to have an orgasm from receiving an actual cupcake then this thing.

  • Skies

    i think gimmicky toys can be super cute, which doesn’t mean they have to suck, they just need good design. like there’s probably even a way to make a decent toy based on the idea of a cupcake, maybe providing the harder edges with a charger/stand so it looks cupcakey on display, but is more ergonomic when removed for use.

  • nilla

    seriously, I have nothing wrong with pink. I don’t chose it but i don’t *not* choose it (my new computer, on clearance, is pink. Save $200, I’ll take it, tyvm. But i digress.

    I adore you.

    Your review are profoundly helpful for those of us who really want to purchase good vibes in the prices we can afford. I *always* check your reviews. They are not vapid, information-less oooohhhs….they help me put real value on what will make me get off.

    And for a company to make a toy to induce orgasms to even think that not being on the level and honest about your review (and likewise using language that leads one to believe that they do consider O’s grotesque)…turns me off.
    as does the thought of a cupcake in my pussy. For real? That’s not cute. It’s cute if it’s a real cupcake and Someone Special is going to lick it off.

    GREAT review. Uncensored as always.

    <3

    nilla

  • Jillian Boyd

    I like pink. I like cupcakes. My netbook is pink and white and I choose to believe that baking cupcakes is one of the few things keeping me sane in this world.

    Having said that… bloody hell, so much wrong with this thing. It caught my eye in the shops a few months ago – aside from the fact that it’s bulky and the vibrations are poor, I can’t get over the fact that you’d basically be trying to get yourself off by holding a silicone cupcake against your clit!

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bake some actual cakes and have a massively loud, wet, gushy, grunty, scream-y orgasm. Or three.

  • Elena Kate

    What a joke. It belongs in fucking Spencer’s Gifts. And Shiri Zinn, consider yourself shunned for being an orgasm-hater. That shit is our livelihood.

  • http://www.mystrapon.net/ Pamela Pegwell

    How disappointing. I’ve had my eye on the Shiri Zinn Harness for the longest time, but I wasn’t aware that they were trying to censor sex toy reviews until now.

  • http://arollinthehay.com/ arollinthehay

    I kind of liked the red and white dots just because I have a thing for vintage style polka dots (DON’T YOU JUDGE ME). I even don’t hate the shape. I don’t love it, mind you, but I don’t hate it. But weak vibrations? Horrendously crappy treatment of bloggers? Vibrations focused in the wrapper that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER? No. Just no.

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    I’m pretty girly, and I love cutesy shit (I own a coral pink Nintendo DS), but there’s just something way too pedobear creepy about masturbating with a sex toy that looks like something a baby would teeth on. #irubmyduckie

  • Heaven

    LOL, ain’t that the truth. This thing is just ridicolous.

  • NimbusDX

    Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but that “Fuck Cupcakes” article you linked was the dumbest thing I have ever read. I actually feel dumber for having read it. I hope it was supposed to be a joke. o_o

  • http://www.queeriebradshaw.com/ Lauren Marie Fleming

    I hate fucking cupcakes. Now if it were a vibrator that looked like a bowl of pasta…

    FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER VIBRATOR!

  • Oddkin

    An anti-orgasm toy manufacturer? WTF?! This sounds Daily Show surreal.

    Seriously, fuck that.

  • Fodra Sun

    I actually like some of Shiri Zinn’s designs, I’ve been lusting after the harnesses for quite some time, although the gold leaf on the dildo they include looks like it would flake off.

    I remember when I first saw this, without a price, or many specs on it mind you, I thought it might be a nice quirky vibrator. The more I read about this thing though, the more ridiculous it gets. I read a review where they flame-tested the ‘frosting’ and it failed miserably. I know it produced ashes, and the surface was damaged, and the damage wouldn’t come off. There’s a picture of the flame test itself, and it looks like it actually caught on fire.

  • Fodra Sun

    Also, she has other vibrators, and they cost around $150, and they run on batteries. There’s also no mention of what they’re made of either. Nothing has any actual measurements, just claims that the harnesses will fit any woman. Not to mention, the focus seems to be on looks, not actually producing orgasms. Looks like that’s the theme for this brand.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I AM ON BOARD WITH THIS. CARBS FOREVER.

  • http://www.clitical.com Jenne

    I’m not saying the cupcake idea isn’t cute, but if they are supposed to perform a function, ie: induce orgasms, then they should do just that. No matter how cute they look on the shelf if you aren’t buying them to look at, you have a reasonable expectation that they will at least do what they say they will. If you are gonna design a cupcake vibe, and market it as a designer vibe then you better make sure it works was my point, or make it so that people have no exceptions that they will orgasm from it, but it will look cute on a shelf somewhere.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Check my footnote. :)

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    You have a message from Elaine.

    Your mother.

    She’s a handful.

  • http://www.redheadbedhead.com/ The Redhead Bedhead

    When it comes to dealing with toy manufacturers (while I prefer working with awesome people who make awesome stuff- see Tantus, Crystal Delights etc) I will tolerate people who aren’t so great if the product is fan-fucking-tastic and I will try to be helpful to companies who’s products maybe aren’t as great as they can be if they are great people.

    Now, I reviewed the cupcake a while back. I thought it was cute. I had some quibbles with the design. It wasn’t a toy worth writing home about but didn’t directly piss me off. Then Cupcake-gate went down and now I have no need for it. Why? Supbar people making a subpar product will never be worth my time.

  • NimbusDX

    Oh thank god! I did not see that at first!

  • wrenna

    Yes yes, The LELO Mona 2 has made it on to your very elite list for two years going, but you will have to convince me that it is really worth setting aside my “sex toys must be black” rule. Red and white? Purple and white? Is it really that much better than the Elise 2? These days penetration is key to getting me off. And my vagina is a goth princess.

  • Stabbin Robots

    Damn. I would have considered buying it for the lulz, but fifty-six fucking dollars?! I can easily list, like, THIRTY other toys that cost less and are INFINITELY better. I’m sure you could list a hundred. Goddamn. We need to get some rich person to buy a controlling share in these companies and fire their developers. (Not to mention, their marketing staff!)

  • Stabbin Robots

    Hang on, how is there no baguette dildo yet?!

  • Mad Amrita

    battery run vibe for 150 bucks? that is just deceptive. i hope she goes out of business

  • Tom

    So you’re telling me this vibrator is the sex toy manifestation of Dolores Umbridge. *shudder*.