Nov 182013
 

Jopen Vanity VR1 vibrating kegel ballsThe Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply.

They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t.

This is an affront to my vagina and its power.

Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty.

It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. So I turned the balls around. I inserted just one ball. I squeezed like my vagina’s reputation depended on it. Nothing.

You can’t tell me that my PC muscles just aren’t toned enough. I’m the person squeezing the life out of every dildo I use, wringing G-spot stimulation even from things that rightfully should not give it to me. The blame rests solely with the VR1.

Outside of my vag, I turned the vibrations onto constant and inserted the balls again. I’m used to vibrating things inside of me, as you might imagine, but the timbre of the noise was disconcerting as fuck: a high-pitched hum like when the sky went purple in LOST that made me feel like I’d turned into a white noise machine or Razr phone.

I felt like the whole world could hear my snatchbuzz. I did a test, and my boyfriend could hear it humming inside of me all the way across the apartment, end to end, with walls and cats and clothes in between.

This is not pleasure.

As I was finagling with the balls, pulling them out like any normal user would, the silicone sheath around the retrieval string popped out of its socket. Apparently, underneath, there is… fishing line.

All of this can be yours for the low low price of $135!!!

Why do so many vaginal balls fail? I got the new Toyfriend Trainer balls, and they suck. I got the Maia Silicone Balls, and they suck. For years, I’ve been trying to find kegel balls that could top the first ones I tried and loved, the LELO Luna Beads, but the closest I’ve come is a few cheap-o ones, like these and these.

Jopen tacks on over $100 more because their product is rechargeable, it’s “innovative” (AIR QUOTES FOR MILES), and let’s face it — because they can. My vagina’s getting reeeeeal tired of this shit.

  • Adriana

    I can think of but two words: jesus christ

  • firiona

    It feels like you should review the LELO Hula Beads now. Just because. I couldn’t possibly be worse, right?

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    It will be done.

  • nicholesmith

    I’m sorry they sucked but I’m thankful for your review. I’ve been wanting to get Kegal Balls for awhile and now I know not to bother with this brand of balls

  • Tuesday

    Your experience with these exactly matches mine, down to the retrieval string popping out. The problem is that they rest too far inside, above the PC muscles, where the lattice of vaginal wall muscles aren’t strong enough to make it vibrate.

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com/ dizzygirl

    This makes me want to try them now, as a challenge of sorts to see if my vag is man, er… strong enough to make them vibrate.

  • Skade

    You really shouldnt challenge the powers of worse :P

  • http://karasutrareviews.com/ Kara_Sutra

    I got to fiddle w/ them when they first came out (having helped with the ‘other’ company that manufactured/created them)… wasn’t impressed then. Not impressed now. I kinda hoped they took my advice and started personally testing stuff. Guess not. *head desk*

  • http://girlyjuice.tumblr.com/ Girly Juice

    Agreed about the vag balls. The CalEx Eclipse and Lelo Luna Beads are the only decent ones I’ve found and the rest of them are inevitably awful.

  • Sarah

    I’m really curious about the Ovo balls they’ve got on SheVibe. They look like they’re a prettier version of the Luna beads, and they’re even a bit cheaper than the Cal Exotic ones. The principle is so simple, how do companies keep screwing it up?

  • jade

    The Lelo Luna beads are well worth a look at!

  • Val

    I am SO looking forward to that review! BTW, I have the Luna Beads and the old Fun Factory Smartballs and my vagina can’t decide which ones it likes better.

  • http://www.ashesvondust.com/ Ashes

    I really like the teneo uno and duo, except I wish they were smaller (my vagina is more ant hill than black hole, unfortunately). Also, relatively cheap.

  • http://www.naughtyreenie.com/ Reenie

    May I just start off by saying how much I love that lime green nail polish you have? Loving the multi-colored nail theme. Let’s just hope there’s a slight bit of hope in this world and that the LELO Hula Beads turns out good.

  • DeadCowGirl

    OMG I hated these things. What a blow to the ego. I exercise my lady bits and shove these fuckers in there and they are all… meh.

  • DeadCowGirl

    Also? Love your manicure!

  • Lucas Brooks

    Have you tried the Je Joue Ami? I sell them all the time and my coworkers love them.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora
  • sheboppin

    do you know anything about the k.1 magnetic kegel balls by laid?
    I’m so curious about them!!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I know they’re tiny and solid, just like the Maia balls. I have little hope.

  • Story_of_Ocelot

    If it’s any consolation, your nails are awesome.

  • masterfap.com

    my girlfriend bought them but found that they are not necessarily very pleasant and sensations are average …. Rather it rather geisha balls in metal!