Oct 102013
 

LELO Ida couples' vibratorI think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida.

I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now.

Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived.

Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of a toy that doesn’t even approve of itself”) and a 2.25″ in diameter circular… disc… thing… that vibrates. Theoretically, it is meant to be inserted vaginally and still leave enough space for a penis or dildo to join the party. But like the idea of Valentine’s Day being romantic, it cannot live up to the hype the world has created for it.

Also, it doesn’t come with a brooch. I may have literally yelled, “WHAT! DID THEY REALLY NOT PUT A BROOCH IN HERE! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!” while digging through the trash to find the foam insert just to make sure there was no brooch indentation. Little did I know that that would become the least disappointing thing about the Ida.

Let me walk you through the first partnered testing session I had with the LELO Ida.

“Want to have some extremely distressing sex?” I began, hoping I was joking. But it quickly became apparent that I wasn’t. We almost gave up even getting his penis in there along with Ida. No lube was enough lube. The furthest we got was the head of his penis, immobile. And it hurt. Both of us. And you know me — my vagina is not a wimp. So I was offended.

We changed positions. Me on top. I hurt him trying to re-insert his penis because I was putting pressure on it when it had nowhere to go.

Not long after that, he looked at me with pained eyes: “can we be done?” Cruelly, I told him to try to come, since he had been so close before Ida was introduced. But before he could attempt that, his penis slipped out and we looked at each other like fuck it.

Afterward, I apologized. (This would become a trend.) “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s not like I thought it would be any good.”

Have I mentioned this toy sounds like a dental drill? A trusted former dental assistant source tells me it sounds just like a Kavo High Speed Handpiece. You also can’t turn the rotation off, which ends up not really mattering — neither of us can feel really feel it rotating when using it together. It just feels like being an overstuffed Thanksgiving turkey.

I asked what he thought it cost. He said $125. Good guess. But he was under by $75. Yes, this little nightmare costs $200. (You can get one without a remote, called Tara, for the low low price of $150.)

Again, it comes down to marketing. Solo, without any added dildos,1 it actually feels good. Not $200-good, not by any means. But the rotation is mild — ranging from one rotation every 2 seconds to every 1 second (thank you, cell phone stopwatch!) — and feels enjoyable against my G-spot. Because the external disc rotates slightly on my clit, it causes a gentle circular nudging that is almost reminiscent of a finger.

But the vibrations aren’t quite strong enough, so it’s a tease — and make no mistake, the masturbation session ends with me pounding myself with a glass dildo.

Partnered, my boyfriend and I had a slight bit more success when we went condomless and used Yes oil-based lube. And I will say this — the SenseMotion remote works well in an intercourse situation. It’s much easier to tilt an object in my hand than it is to find and press buttons.

Yet it still hurt, he still couldn’t fucking budge (let alone thrust), and we were both struck by the ominous sensation that we weren’t actually fucking.

Seriously — he said, “it doesn’t feel like a vagina.” And his penis didn’t feel like a penis, and the contraption stopped him from being able to insert his entire length. The physical connection of sex was obliterated.

Once, I warmed up with some fairly large toys first,2 which made insertion easier — and thrusting slightly more achievable. My boyfriend was pain-free and almost didn’t want to murder me in my sleep, but there was still this sharp, unpleasant pain for me, and I couldn’t pinpoint where it was.

Life is too short for sex this bad.

If LELO could let go of the whole ENHANCE LOVEMAKING!!! SUDDENLY IMPROVED RELATIONSHIP!! INCREASE INTIMACY!!! bullshit, and instead make something like Ida but with a much bigger shaft and more power in the clitoral disc, marketed for solo play — they’d be onto something.

Instead, they have created a “couples’” toy that does the exact opposite of increase intimacy. The one bright spot is using Ida solo, which legit does feel nice, but that could never make up for how much it fucking sucks with a partner. If my mighty vagina and his average-sized penis can’t handle this thing, I highly doubt a housewife and hubby in Ohio can.

[Want a toy to use during penetrative sex? Get Tor 2. Or better yet,
get Mona 2 and get creative. Not everything has to be hands-free.]

Thank you, LELO! Thank you for not hating me (yet). Or have I spoken too soon?

  1. Don’t even talk to me about trying to use dildos with this. Both Mustang and Leo were failures, and they’re not even that big. []
  2. Just quietly, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS TO MAKE YOUR SEX TOY PALATABLE. []
  • http://ThreeDesignThree.com/ Three

    Scathing. Important. Beautiful.

  • http://tjthemadhatter.com/ TJtheMadHatter

    When you put up that teaser of the Ida, I laughed at how ridiculous it looked. I couldn’t wait for you to review it, b/c just by looking at it I saw it as a fail. I feel bad for you and your boyfriend. Poor guy. I CRACKED UP when I read the part where you both realized you weren’t fucking. Oh, the things you do in the name of us, your readers. Once again, I salute you. Also, I salute your boyfriend.

  • DeMarro Reynolds

    Well, shit. So much for that toy. Great review. I laughed quite a bit

  • sheboppin

    I thought the same thing when I first saw rotating couples toys…rotation doesn’t make sense for that!
    as far as personal experience goes, I’m not well versed in butt plugs, etc. but what are your thoughts on the Ida for butt stuff?

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Um, I doubt it would stay in since the shaft gradually decreases in size near the base. Also, the disc part would cause all kinds of problems when sitting down.

    Theoretically, Ida could be worn vaginally during anal sex, but I wasn’t about to rush into anal for this piece of crap.

  • Skade

    Eh gawd I’m ashamed to be sharing name with that thing. Even before reading the abysmal reviews I had picked it as an instant flop like the other Lelo “couple” toys. I wondering when they’ll stop beating that dead horse xD

  • http://www.redheadbedhead.com/ The Redhead Bedhead

    This made me make so many sad faces for you and the boyfriend while also laughing

    Saddest part? “…he looked at me with pained eyes: “can we be done?” Cruelly, I told him to try to come…”

    Is sadlarious a word?

  • C.

    Cool technology, bummer that it sucks. I feel like Lelo should just stick with their awesome line of handheld vibes… They made such a great name for themselves, and their whole line of stuff like this is kind of… making them less reputable. I get it: cool features, new customers! But to repeat customers, they’re gonna end up losing a lot of future sales.

  • http://www.pennysdirtythoughts.com/ Penny

    New marketing idea for the Ida: the toy you buy when you want to break up with someone, tagline: Can we be done yet? Just kidding, that’s cruel. Just break up & save yourself $200 & sharp pain. The things you do for your blog, lol.

  • http://thoughtsofagrowingsub.com/ SubReiSkyeM

    We had the pain and weird sensations you guys did, but we had that with the Noa. It hurt so much I’m not sure if I even want to give it another go! Thanks for letting me know this is a fail too!

  • ScarlettSeraph

    Kudos to the boyfriend for being such a trooper. This thing sounds awful. I agree that re-engineered and marketed for solo use it would be more appealing, but also at a lower price point. Only the Eroscillator has earned the right to cost so much.

    Also… You were really just looking for an excuse to take a picture of your nail polish, we’re on to you.

  • Loki

    I’ll be honest, I haven’t read this all the way through yet. I EEUUUGH’d my way down to the comments when I read the ‘cute grandmother’ line — Ida IS my grandmother’s name!

  • ScarlettSeraph

    OH OH OH… and Orange is the New Black… YESSSSSS

  • http://PrettyBoiVin.Tumblr.com Vincent Alexander

    It sounds like a vaginal roto-rooter. Or a Mixer.

  • Incendiaire

    It’s one of those toys that clearly should have been sent to a reviewer prior to launching into mass production of the design. After reading everything I just can’t envisage it selling well at all.

  • MissX

    You make me laugh!

    Thank you for sacrificing your vagina and your boyfriend to save all of us the trouble of going through such a terrible experience. You should ask for compensation!

    I just don’t get why they don’t actually send it to blogger prior to production and get some real feedback.

  • kinkly

    Great honesty…

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    The power of marketing is strong. And people are ENTRANCED by the idea of a toy that can be worn — HANDS FREE! — during penetration. Unfortunately, I think it will sell very well…

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I took that picture the day I realized I finally had a use for the LELO box I was about to toss. Perhaps I will measure my budding nail polish obsession in LELO boxes.

  • http://incendiaire-reviews.blogspot.com/ Incendiaire

    I hope they buy it from Lovehoney then, yay for that returns policy.

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  • nicholesmith

    Thank you! Thank you for your honest review! I love that you told us how it really is. We’re always looking for couples toys and thanks to you I know where to save my money. Not that I’d ever spend $200 on a toy but, well, maybe if it was a great toy… Not this toy though!

  • http://queeraschinocherry.com/ Queeraschino Cherry

    New reviewer idea: For every fucking sesh a toy ruins, the company should pay for a night out for you and the person who’s night you fucked up. I’m tired of apologizing for toys I didn’t make. And Lelo, why can’t a bitch get a brooch? WTF

  • http://queeraschinocherry.com/ Queeraschino Cherry

    Ida know who comes up with this shit

  • He@Aroused Duo

    You’ve given me a new definition of positive feedback: every new review of yours I read reminds me why I read your reviews, which leads me to reading more of your reviews which reminds me why I read your reviews. Thank you and your boyfriend (I feel your pain brother – Even the We-Vibe doesn’t work for She@ and me). Beyond the great education and ample amusement you provide I am left with three thoughts: 1) Now I understand why the trailer videos Lelo posted were so vague. 2) It seems odd that Lelo would use design cues from a 1955 telephone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ericofon). 3) If Lelo DID do any testing with real genitals, the owners of those genitals couldn’t have been as honest as you are…either that, or the Lelo marketing staff just didn’t care.

  • Mori Gryphon

    I am disappointed (though not surprised) that this is a dismal (though hilariously written) failure. I’d’ve loved to have and enjoy a toy with my name.

  • amy m.

    this is so disappointing!! i’ve loved so many things from lelo. this just made me sad. :(

  • http://www.69desirs.fr/ 69desirs

    Hi,

    I’ve try it myself with my partner and we haven’t any big problem with it. Yes, at first without lubricant, the Ida was a bit hard to handle since it move on my dick which was painful. But after using lubricant, everything was fine for me and i could experiment an orgasm with it (and my partner too).

  • Sporktacular

    Ahahahaha. As a DA I snorted out loud at the comparison to a dental handpiece. It would not be my preferred soundtrack to the sexytimes.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I definitely thought “district attorney” when I first read that.

    Could still be applicable.

  • Sporktacular

    I’m going to guess that even if I *were* an attorney (which, sadly, no) I would still prefer the Lelo to NOT sound like a dental office…my fantasies are pretty all encompassing, but that’s a scenario that has yet to show up ;)

  • Carmen Clayton

    This review is great. I love Lelo, but they can be really hit and miss.

  • RampantRabbitHeaven

    Ouch…its interesting reading a review on this because when I first saw this product it looked like it would be an issue. It just looks a bit ridiculous. Its never been appealing to me….guess my Hubby should thank his stars for that.

  • Pissypixie03

    son of a bitch… I should have read this before yesterday. Havent tried it as a couple yet, but solo SUCKS. Does Lelo take their shitty products back!? I’m 200 dollars poorer.

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