Aug 142013
 

Lovehoney Flash USB rechargeable vibratorThe year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC.

It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust.

Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death.

Buzzy vibrations can work for the clitoris in a pinch (like if they’re extremely powerful and surface-level), but it’s the rumbly ones you really want, if you want any hope of stimulating the rest of the clitoris that’s chilling inside of you. You know, 95% it.1

The Flash is the very definition of buzzy. And so, I resent it as much for its objective qualities as I do for what it represents. Like American Cheese and Hostess Fruit Pies trying to pass themselves off as food, like Exodus International’s notion that gay people can be “cured,” the Flash should not be disseminating the idea that this is what a vibrator is.

I just keep imagining someone buying this as their first vibrator and subsequently becoming That Commenter™ on xoJane or Jezebel — the endlessly-upvoted one who rails sanctimoniously against all vibrators. (Not even hyperbole. The top comment on a thread asking “what is your favorite sex toy?” is “a Marine on leave for the first time in 6 months.”) Or even That Customer™ in a sex shop who whines that vibrators just don’t do anything for them, and they just don’t get all the hype, and also, uh, why would I need lube?

I imagine someone developing a self-satisfied sneer thanks to this toy. And it makes my soul hurt.

That goes the other way, too. The positive reviews of this thing represent a fundamental misunderstanding about what vibrators today are actually capable of. In someone’s small universe, the Flash might be considered “strong,” but take it from the chick who has experienced over 100 vibrators: no. It’s an illusion.

The Flash has three speeds and several patterns. There is a break in vibration when I switch between modes. The buzzing noise gets louder when I press it against my body in a certain way. The toy pulls apart to charge via USB, but the charging light is so faint it’s imperceptible.

With a price tag of $40, so you might be tempted to get the Flash instead of the also-USB-rechargeable LELO Mia. Please don’t. Get the LELO Mia or We-Vibe Tango if you want the same shape but actual stimulation. Honestly, though, I’ll bet a cheap silver bullet is rumblier. Since just about everything else is rumblier.

Suspiciously, the Flash suffers from a lot of the same issues that my previous Lovehoney brand toy did. It’s buzzy as fuck. It tries to top a popular toy and fails. And most egregious: it can make me come, but without any of the joy during build-up that I am entitled to in this world. That, alone, is a crime. We deserve orgasms that shake our entire clitorises, people. Never settle for less.

Thank you, Lovehoney!

See Epiphora's favorite toys and get 10% off at Lovehoney!

See all my favorite toys at Lovehoney and get 10% off your order!

[Remember! Lovehoney has a robust return policy; even if you
simply don't like the toy, you can get a full refund.
]

  1. Rough estimate, but Twitter agrees so I must be close. []
  • adriana

    I feel about this flash the same way I feel about the flash in the justice league: it sucks and I ignore it on purpose

  • Shadowed Seductress

    When I first started using sex toys, I had the buzzy shit. It worked for me, until I started hearing about these mysterious rumbly vibrations. Since trying the rumbly, I can’t bear to use a buzzy vibrator anymore. They actually don’t get me off. At all.

  • leabee

    also okay, it’s a clit vibe, it’s not really supposed to go in, but the minute I look at that thing, I can’t help but recoil at the corners anyway. I feel like sex toys shouldn’t really have corners.

  • http://www.redheadbedhead.com/ The Redhead Bedhead

    I didn’t get the “rumbly” thing when I started reading your reviews and then recently I caught myself recoiling from vibes for being “buzzy”. I get it now. Thank you!

  • Heaven

    Too bad such a pretty vibe is buzzy as hell. Sorry to hear it did not get you off the way it should have.

  • http://secretlysensuousstuff.blogspot.com/ Secretly Sensuous

    For some reason I thought the plural of clitoris was clitori. Many thanks for inadvertently correcting me on this. I’m sure it has saved me a lot of embarrassment next time I’m chatting with other women and I refer to “our clitorises”.

  • Wicked Wahine

    The plural is clitorides, believe it or not, You can hear it pronounced at this link: pronounced http://www.merriam-webster.com/audio.php?file=clitor05&word=clitorides&text=

    BTW, I was someone who thought vibrators just didn’t work for me. I got itchy and numb, but no pleasure in the least. As soon as I first read about rumbly vs buzzy, it made sense! I knew there was a viable solution out there and sought it out. What a world of difference! Penetrating vibes that actually feel good. But, it took a while to find what I needed and that was the odd combo of a low frequency rumble with patterns – go figure! Hallelujah!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    “Clitorides” is the Latin plural, actually, but… still amazing.

  • He@Aroused Duo

    So, let’s see if my marketing experience helps me figure out the logic for this product. Design something that has the shape and usability of a railroad spike. Make sure that it has to be disassembled to be charged (with almost no way of knowing it’s charged). Don’t forget to ensure that it doesn’t have much power since you don’t want people to be overwhelmed. Finally design the thing with the motto of “there is no such thing as too much buzz”. WOW…they hit every key sales point. This will have the same kind of demand that the iPhone 5 had. I hope that they have made sure the Chinese factory (I assume its made in China) that makes the Flash can keep up with the demand.

  • Glumbumble

    Is it weird that I find your reviews of products you didn’t like more entertaining to read than the products you did like? ^^

  • http://www.naughtyreenie.com/ Reenie

    “I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC” The perfect description for the buzziness of this vibe. With an addition of a mad queen in the back growling like there is no tomorrow whenever pressure is applied. I seriously worship your clitoris for being able to handle this toy. I couldn’t even leave it on my clit for more than 2 mins!

  • Caitlin M.

    As per Piph’s request, I’ll let you know my story. I am one of the people who has what could be called a positive review of the Lovehoney Flash: at the time, it was lifechanging.

    Now, when I went about reviewing it I knew it wasn’t anything good. I knew it was very, very buzzy and I believe I did my best to convey that, even starting my review with: “I didn’t want to like the Lovehoney Flash. It’s too buzzy, it’s too loud, and the toy snob in me thought that would immediately throw me off.” I then went on to explain a lot about my personal issues with penetrative intercourse and how I was able to orgasm during intercourse for the second time in my life… with the help of the flash. This was a HUGE deal for me, understandably. Mostly, the positives in my review were about this experience and talking about how the internal clitoris worked, with warnings that it’s buzzy peppered throughout.

    The flash brought me to orgasm: an abrupt blip of pleasure and release in comparison to what other toys can do. It was better in tandem with something penetrating me. Really, it’s only good for helping with my constant muscle tension when I want a quick fix- but I haven’t used it since I got the Iroha in for review, and definitely not since I got the Tango/Salsa/Touch from we vibe.

    The Flash was my second vibrator and thankfully, I’ve moved on to better things: the We Vibe Touch and Tango/Salsa are my jam and I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. They’re much kinder to my clit- especially the touch- and are deep, rumbly, and incredibly strong. I recommend them over the flash any day.

  • Caitlin M.

    clitorises (or clitorides, whatever you want to call them. the button. the bean. the spot), thankfully, learn.

  • Shannon

    Oh god, I cackled so hard at the opening line. You’d think that sex toys would’ve evolved by now.

  • InquisitiveClam

    I entered Lovehoney’s Christmas giveaway to win one of these vibrators. I was interested because it is rechargeable, and I’m looking for a clit vibe to use during sex because I need that stimulation to get off and have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my dominant wrist. I don’t want to have to buy batteries all the time, and I’ve discovered over the course of reviewing that I hate watch batteries. I’m trying to get rid of my toys that run on batteries and replace them with rechargeable versions or similar toys that are rechargeable. I understand the idea of buzzy vs. rumbly vibrations. I’m also a big fan of my Hitachi Magic Wand, so if I do end up winning one of these toys, at least it’s free.

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