Jan 102013
 

LELO Luna Beads MiniThis is so disappointing, you guys. And a sex toy reviewer’s nightmare. But I just cannot feel the LELO Luna Beads Mini in my vagina.

I really really love the original Luna Beads. They are my favorite vag balls. They make me want to dance, and I don’t dance. I never had an issue with their size. But if the Luna Beads Mini packed the same stimulation in a smaller package, I wanted to know, because some folks do not have cavernous vaginas like me.

The Luna Beads Mini are 3″ insertable and each ball is 1.23″ in diameter, versus the original Luna Beads’ 3.5″ insertable and 1.43″ in diameter. With the blue weights in each, the Minis weigh 2.6 ounces while the originals weigh 2.95 ounces. (As with the originals, the Mini come with two sets of weighted beads.)

In the hand, the Luna Beads Mini certainly sound substantial. They make quite a fuss, rattling louder than the originals. I used to think that the more sound vag balls made when shaken, the better the internal stimulation. Now I know this is false, because 99% of the time wearing the Luna Beads Mini, I feel nothing.

The whole fun of the original Luna Beads is feeling the inner balls roll around, then clenching around them and making them shiver with the sheer power of my vag. With the Minis, I only get vague, fleeting rolls once in a great while. The only way I can consistently feel the rolling is if I jump up and down. And I can’t feel them by clenching either.

Once I rose up quickly out of my chair and thought I felt something — but it was just my back popping.

The Luna Beads Mini are, of course, easier to insert than the originals. They go past my pubic bone easily, whereas the originals have to be finagled a bit more. In fact, I have to fish around in my vagina to find the fabric retrieval loop. Supposedly the Minis are for women like me, people under 30 who have not pushed babies out of themselves. But I don’t agree. Since users do not have to struggle to hold any of the Luna Beads in (as you might with traditional ben wa balls), there is little reason to differentiate. We should go on sensation alone, and the Minis do not bring it.

And as much as I like submitting ominous tweets with no context that inevitably invite “that’s what she said” jokes…

I mostly am just disappoint.

Funny story, though: other bloggers experience loud vaginas when wearing the Luna Beads Mini. I don’t. At first I thought that other reviewers had echo chambers for vaginas, but then I realized (and verified with LELO) that the design has changed. First generation Luna Beads Mini contained bare metal balls that would roll around very, very noisily. The balls in mine have a rubber outer coating, just as the originals do.

Yet again, LELO listened to consumer feedback and fixed the issue. Now, I can safely assure you that you can go out in public and nobody’s going to exclaim, “Well! I declare! I think that woman has something lascivious in her nether regions!” I even did some extreme naked pelvic thrusting toward my phone’s microphone to be sure. I’d upload it, but it’s just 16 seconds of phone movement and mouth-breathing. You can’t hear the balls at all. File this under Shit Sex Toy Reviewers Do and let’s never speak of it again.

ANYWAY. I do believe I’ve now sussed out the winning formula for vaginal balls, at least if you want to feel them in use. They must not be too small; they must not be slathered in silicone; and they must leave sufficient room for the inner ball to roll around in. Oh, and it helps my psyche if the retrieval string is not stretchy. The problem with this? Very few vag balls tick all those boxes. So far it’s the original Luna Beads, all by their lonesome.1

If, however, the original Luna Beads are too big for you and you don’t care about feeling them in use, the Luna Beads Mini are an option. They’re the same price ($47) as the original Luna Beads. The Minis also come in a Noir version with just one set of beads if you want to save some money and/or your vagina wants to be goth.

If the test is whether the Luna Beads Mini fit comfortably in my vagina, well then — mission accomplished. But that’s not the test. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if I can’t feel vag balls in use, WHY AM I USING VAG BALLS. Without something noticeable to remind me to do kegels, the Luna Beads Mini are about as useful to my PC muscles as a tampon or Diva Cup.

You know I love you, LELO. Your original Luna Beads are my jam. Your Ella was my first squirting jam. Your Mona 2 has been my nightstand jam for the past several months. Sometimes you fail, sometimes quite miserably, but you listen to feedback and your intentions are good. I don’t even blame you for trying to capitalize on Fifty Shades of Grey. But the Luna Beads Mini are a bust.

  1. If you take out the retrieval string thing, the California Exotic L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System is decent. []

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  • Brittany Zick

    Ok I went to Eros and they just gave me the lelo box. how do I know if they are mini or not? the box is white and just says lelo on it. help me piph!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I don’t know. I think both come in white boxes. You’ll have to open it to find out.

  • CarnalMusing

    This review could not be more accurate. I bought the Lelo mini on a whim (Merry Christmas to me!) Not having birthed a child in my 31yrs, I figured my vagina isn’t blown to shit so it met specifications. After finding the lighter weight uneventful, I swapped for the heavier weight. No noticeable difference. This would be my only complaint. Even though it appears to be the first edition (loud marble balls) I am very happy with the product itself. It’s solid in construction, smooth and a reliable string. Perhaps the Lelo original is a sure bet, even for the beginner. As always, thank you for your honesty, Epiphora!

  • Brittany Zick

    I mean I have already used them, but the box doesn’t say mini on it so perhaps its original? either way they are amazing

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Then you can just measure them…

  • Brittany Zick

    My vag is a champ. I bought the bigger ones and immeadiately popped in both blue ones and loved it. 23, no kids and only been using sex toys for a year or so…I feel amazing. :)

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    The minis do say mini on the box. They have the Luna Beads and then in a pink script offset to the right under that text they say Mini. It’s easy to miss, but it’s definitely there.

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    You used my vag recording! My cunt is interwebs famous now! And yeah- the mini’s shipment that my work got as recently as December still have the bare metal balls, as do the floor-model ones we were sent to showcase. I’ve not seen the silenced ones out in the wild yet.

  • http://www.kiraskink.com/ Kira

    I wonder if the reason you can’t feel them is because of the update to the coating? Like with the coating plus the smaller balls there’s just not enough room for movement or something? I can totally feel my Minis move around, but I have the now old version of them.

  • Leabee

    I’ve mentioned on twitter before that I have a case of tiny vag. It’s largely my own fault because I am what one calls a baby and haven’t taken a whole lot of effort to work up how much I can fit. For me, I got the mini luna balls, and had to take some effort to get even those in.

    I can say with some confidence they work for me which basically puts them on the *extreme* beginner side of things. Which I wouldn’t say is a very glowing endorsement; I can’t imagine women with as tiny a vagina as mine are buying this sort of thing in droves. Still, it does have a small, small niche.

  • Destiny Cat

    Then I got regulars. sweet!

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  • http://talesfromthetoybox.com/ Pandwhora

    What a shame. I just got the Noirs but haven’t used them yet, so I’m assuming they’d be the same as the Minis. I know you like to actually feel the movement of the balls (well, duh!). But for someone (like me) who actually needs the kegel workout, even though you don’t feel them moving they are working your muscles because the vibrations cause your PC muscles to automatically flex. So even though they don’t FEEL like they are working, they actually are.

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  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    While there is a demographic for these, that demographic is a minority and I feel like it would be best served by the minis being carried by gynaecologists offices and physical therapists. That said…

    Last night I tried to find my Noirs (still can’t find them). I’ve just binge-cleaned my house, so they should be with my toys since they aren’t in my bag where I’d seen them last. Anyhow, I was trying to figure out where the hell I’d put them when I froze, mid-step, and looked down in horror and confusion, wondering if I’d inserted them- and forgotten.

    I still can’t find them.

  • Deb

    This seems like a very popular product, though Ive yet to use it. I run http://www.dirtytoystore.com and there are alot of orders for these, or similar to them.

  • http://www.pennysdirtythoughts.com/ Penny

    My understanding is that the beads still work out your muscles even if you can’t really feel them (if you’re doing a lot of movement while they’re in), right?

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I don’t know. That seems dubious to me, but I could be wrong.

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  • Whitney M

    On the advice of this article I ordered the original Luna Beads from lovehoney. To my dismay they sent me the mini ones by mistake! My face when I opened the box D;
    Thank goodness for Lovehoney’s flexible returns policy. So annoyed that I have to wait another week though.

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  • http://coryphelle.tumblr.com Coryphelle

    The size of the Luna Beads scared me, to be quite honest, so I thought the Minis would be perfect for me. But I won a set of Luna Beads and thought, well, why not try out the original size? If I hated them I could just buy myself some Minis at the lower price.

    I am not a large person. I do not have a cavernous vagina. My Tantus Vamp is still a little too big for me. I’m under 5ft tall, and when I first got my period during dance camp, I had to leave for the rest of the week because tampons literally did not fit into my vagina because they were too large. I shit you not.

    Now, while I’ve grown a few scant inches since I was 12 and I now can, indeed, successfully use regular-sized tampons, I can barely feel the Luna Beads original unless I’m moving around and they’re jangling. They didn’t hurt going in. The Minis would probably honest-to-god feel like nothing in my vagina, so thanks for this review. I’m glad I didn’t request the Minis :)