Dec 042012
 

A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina.

Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, but there’s no denying it anymore. My vagina is a black hole. A cave. A vagina of doom. This is quite normal for me now. But it certainly didn’t begin that way. In fact, it began exactly the opposite… with my vagina, as I described it, “as tight as a Chinese finger trap.”

I used to laugh — especially when I first got into sex toy reviewing in 2007 — at the concept of “size queens.” Oh, I believed they existed, but I earnestly thought it was an impossibility that I could become one. It made sense at the time. I hadn’t had sex yet when I started reviewing, nor did I like penetration of any kind. I was really a quite different person than I am today.

Back then, I approached insertable toys with a sort of side-eyed distaste; if I was going to review sex toys, I guess I’d have to get used to actually putting them inside me.

The first toy I put in my vagina (which was pretty much the first thing to ever go into my vagina) was a pipsqueak of a vibe called My Secret. My Secret indeed! My secret was that My Secret fucking hurt. A sex toy no bigger than a finger hurt badly. It was a travesty. An embarrassing, frustrating travesty. You can see why I thought there was no hope.

My second attempt was with a shitty rabbit. The shaft was pretty thin, but it hurt so much that I couldn’t insert it far enough to take advantage of the clitoral stimulator. I distinctly remember lying on the bed, trying my best to just shove it in, feeling sharp pain when I did, and giving up in distress. I could not conquer it, and had to eventually admit defeat in my review. What a terrible review that was. My future as a sex toy reviewer was looking bleak.

My issues with insertion continued to crop up in my reviews in more subtle ways. Phrases such as “wuss of a puss” (what the fuck?), “a nice, mild amount of insertion,” and “I like thin toys — you know, the kind that don’t pose a threat to my insides” were my way of hinting at my situation. I considered my aversion to insertion an unchanging fact, a trait about myself — and so I accepted it. I tried to enjoy and adequately review insertable toys, but they were more of a chore than a pleasurable endeavor.

When I first had sex months later — despite having warmed up with dildos and having made admirable progress since that dreaded rabbit — it hurt like hell. And it continued to feel uncomfortable for months. And months. And months. It seemed like the discomfort would never end. I told myself it eventually would, especially if I kept using toys, so I trudged on.

But even a year after I first had sex, I still had trouble with larger or highly textured toys, like the Benjamin Bond and the G-Twist. I no longer hated my life when I used insertables, but these ones were rough. I realized too late that I was unqualified to make assessments about them, but I had to review them anyway. So, in my usual fashion, I told the truth:

. . . I had some issues with using it. And, to be honest, I’m still trying to figure out what’s bothering me. I can’t figure out if it’s the size of the shaft or the ridges on it, but one of them is causing me discomfort. The diameter of the shaft is 1 1/2″, so that’s pushing it for my vagina (one day I’m going to laugh at that sentence… I hope). I just couldn’t bring myself to thrust for very long, as it would become a bit irritating to my vaginal walls.

As a result, those are some of the least useful reviews I’ve ever written. I am ashamed of them. But what could I do? I figured I was just doomed to have a tiny, fragile vagina. I was more determined, though, to never fail myself and my readers like that again. I busied myself with reviewing porn, butt plugs, and clitoral vibes instead.

I remember receiving the NobEssence Seduction in fall of 2009 and thinking the big end of it was going to be too much for me. Somehow, it wasn’t, and instead was jaw-droppingly amazing. Overwhelmingly so. My G-spot sang. I figured this was a fluke, but it was actually a sign of things to come.

As I reviewed more and more, I grew to like dildos. I grew to love dildos. I grew to crave having something, anything in my vagina while I jacked off. I began to want girth. I began to feel empty if I only used a clitoral stimulator. And, lo and behold, sex became pleasurable!

But Randy, in January of 2010, was the real turning point. Randy is a 2″+ thick beast. My first experiences with Randy reminded me of having sex for the first time. There was immense pain, and I wanted to give up. Yet somehow, I approached a light at the end of the tunnel. I learned to appreciate Randy’s girth. Many masturbation sessions later, I was squirting whenever I came, sliding Randy out and gushing all over myself.

Perhaps this is where I should divide my life and my reviews: Epiphora B.R. (Before Randy) and Epiphora A.R.

Because that’s the other thing: G-spot stimulation. Ever since I started squirting, I learned more and more about my G-spot, and it became more sensitive and easy to pinpoint. I found some incredible toys that hit my G-spot crazily, making penetration a bit like heaven on earth. Meanwhile, my love of thickness only strengthened as I fell in love with all things VixSkin: Maverick, Johnny, and Outlaw.

All of this culminated in the person — and reviewer — I am today.

Now I try toys I received a long time ago and insert them further. I add disclaimers, explaining that “my vag is a champ” and folks should take that into account. I have a tag on this blog called “not for the faint of vagina.” I seek out big toys, often drawn to them based on their size. When faced with different sizes of the same toy, I inevitably choose large. The concept of a “warm up” toy is mostly silliness now. I still enjoy some smaller dildos just fine, but in general, my vagina likes a challenge (and has become known for it). It wants to conquer the Aggro Crag.

So now what? There’s always the Great American Challenge, but that’s gross. I do have an unused, 2 1/2″ thick bumpy glass dildo hidden away somewhere that I acquired from a fellow reviewer, but that’s pretty extreme. The only dildo that has almost broken me was the Tantus T-Rex. I have only successfully inserted it twice, after a lot of wincing. Hey, even black hole vaginas have their limits.

I can hardly believe that I used to be so resigned to the fact that insertion would never feel good. But what I didn’t understand was just how amazing G-spot stimulation could be. And how I could adore texture. And awesome materials. And crazy shapes. I never would’ve imagined that I would long for dildo after dildo. That I would treasure my dildos more than my vibrators. If someone had told me this, I wouldn’t have believed them. I guess I had to discover it myself. All I needed was a shit ton of persistence, an excuse in the form of a sex blog, and the watchful, judging eye of the internet.

It took years, but I’ve figured it out: my vagina is my friend, not a fiendish villain working against me. Now I proudly wear the label “size queen” as a badge of honor — one that I’ve earned. And yes, Epiphora of 2009, I am laughing at that sentence about 1 1/2″ being too thick.

  • http://subreiskyem.blogspot.co.uk/ SubReiSkyeM

    This post is very interesting for me because I am the same way as you from the past. Penetration toys are uncomfortable and hurt me so I tend to steer clear of them entirely. Reading this makes me wonder if I really should keep wussing out or try to teach my vagina who’s boss. Hmm…

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    It’s definitely a worthwhile endeavor. I’d say get some insertables that really intrigue you so that you have incentive to use them. My life would be very different (in a bad way) if I had not persisted in trying more dildos.

  • http://twitter.com/IncendiaireRevs Incendiaire

    The story of your vagina reminds me how not so long ago I felt I was destined to be a gay guy who could never enjoy anal sex. Now I too have a Randy, and a Pure Plug 2.0, and even the imposing Tantus A-Bomb. Hurrah for overcoming personal limitations!

  • Oddkin

    Oh, how I recognize this. Not even a year ago 2,9 cm was my absolute limit. Now I can use the Vixen Bandit with no discomfort. Although that’s kind of cheating considering the give it has, it’s still one and a half fucking centimeters more than I could handle.

    I started using insertables as a virgin too, and still am, but it REALLY helps to put something in there once in a while. If only for shit and giggles.

  • Moonlit Night

    Is it as simple as just keep trying? I’m partway along this curve and would like to do a little better than currently, at least.

    Also, the world would be a better place if someone made sure that teenage girls were told about this and properly equipped to put it in practice.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Keep trying, find dildos that you like, pair them with clitoral toys, find your G-spot, and yes. I agree.

  • http://twitter.com/Lythias Liam Murray

    Reading this, it might be worth giving the Bad Dragon toys a go (http://www.bad-dragon.com). They can be quite girthy in the medium and larger variations of the toys, and the actual designs of them are rather interesting (where else would you find a dragon, werewolf, or cockatrice dildo?).

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I would like to try their toys, but their toys are also extremely long and often pointy. They are not really geared toward vaginas/cervixes at all.

  • http://girlyjuice.tumblr.com/ Girly Juice

    Your story gives me hope! I can only handle about 1 1/2″ in girth at the moment, but I want to work up to at least 2″. I have a polka-dotted Jollies Jollet that I’ve never been able to use because of my girth limitations :(

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    Check Tantus’ “for him” section, where they have some girthy stuff. Or you could always get some SquarePeg stuff and use it in your vag instead of your butt.

    I think it’s good that you had reviews about toys being difficult to insert even with smaller diameters, because there are a lot of women who can’t/don’t want to accommodate really big things, and who may be sensitive like you were, and those things are helpful to know. Y’know- folk like me who use an entire bottle of lube, a lot of clit stim, and texting with my partner about sexy things and still cry trying to get the Maverick into me.

  • cand86

    I remember a younger me writing a reply on Yahoo! Answers that penetration held pretty much no real appeal . . . it’s weird how staunchly we believe our current sexual responses are set in stone and never gonna change, isn’t it? Fast-forward to now how I totally feel empty and my orgasms missing a crucial component when there’s nothing inside! Still can’t take much girth-wise, or at least, not very comfortably, but I dream (I actually dream of being fisted, so there’s a lofty goal to work towards).

  • http://twitter.com/P_Piqua Piqua

    I wanted to mention the same thing. While I don’t consider myself a size queen, because I don’t need girth, up to 2 3/4″ just slips right in. Which brings me to Bad Dragon. Just the fact that they chose a Coke can as their size comparison object is enough to make me shudder. As someone not esily put off by girth, even some of their “small” dildos seem far too large. An article on one of their dildos by Epiphora would be something I would look forward to reading. Hell even just her toughts on the site hold the potential for hilariously snarky content. I mean come on! Every dildo has its own story!

  • http://twitter.com/P_Piqua Piqua

    I honestly feel completely and utterly alone now. I seriously wonder if I am somehow less of a female because I have never had this trouble. I was somehow born with a spacious and well hydrated vagina. I have never had trouble fitting anything inside my vagina and I have also never needed lube. I now feel like a freak after reading all these comments!

  • Kirsten

    Reading this is inspiring. Right now, I’m at a point of my life where you were back in 2007, it sounds like. I can’t do penetration. The thought of sex terrifies me. Hell, I can’t even put in a tampon, the very idea of it freaks me out. I own several toys, but haven’t been able to muster up the strength to try inserting them yet, so instead I get off with clit stimulation and strapping on my dildos for genderbending fantasy play. I hope that someday I can overcome my fear of insertable toys — thank you for giving me hope!

  • http://twitter.com/Lythias Liam Murray

    Suggestions have been made that you look towards the Xar and the Moko.

    http://bad-dragon.com/products/xar
    http://bad-dragon.com/products/moko

    The Cole could work but you’d want to choose a lower firmness on that to avoid ‘poking’ by the tip.

    http://bad-dragon.com/products/cole

    The Crackers (cockatrice model) is designed for vaginal use, with a LOT of texture (and thus is a love or hate toy depending on personal preferences).

    http://bad-dragon.com/products/crackers

    It’d definitely be great if there ends up being one you can test out and review.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I have weighed my options with the Bad Dragon toys before. The Cockatrice looks okay, but in my opinion, all of those are too pointy. And have ENORMOUS bases, which I hate.

  • http://ashrussell.com/ ash

    i have nothing interesting to add, just that you continue to be the best and this was suuuuuuuuuuch a good read

  • Skade

    I started out as you, and still have a few problemss with being a bit.. wimpy and small, but I have to say that I have a small Karabos and it makes quite a fun challenge <3

    Could be awesome to hear you review one of the BD toys, aaand maybe the new Vixskin Lonestar which I've been eyeing but haven't brough because of the price tag.

    Not to mention BD toys make awesome stress relief squeeze toys when you just don't feel like doing anything.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Get the Lonestar. If that’s the size and shape and balls that look good to you, GET IT. I have never not loved a VixSkin toy.

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    I remember when I first started reading your blog in 2010–I think it was your review of the Eroscillator that drew me here, straight off the Eroscillator web site. As I was contemplating a toy that cost over $200 and your review was the most thorough that I’d read, I still wanted to make sure your reviews were reviews and not product marketing. In the upper right of your blog header, I recognized one of the few sex toys I own and love (it’s even the same color as the one I own)-the Fun Factory G-twist. Even though it has pronounced ridges, I didn’t know at the time that these were “noticeable” or that the texture was something I loved, having nothing to compare it to–all I knew is that this toy felt good, and I’ve had many good orgasms with it. Now it’s no surprise to me that I enjoy a lot of texture. I also never considered myself a size queen, and my jaw did drop when I saw the thick end of Seduction, so I was dumbfounded when I read: The diameter of the shaft is 1 1/2″, so that’s pushing it for my vagina in your review for the G-twist. It took a bit of context to realize it was a dated review, and that you’d become much more open to a wider girth of dildo. (every instance of double entendre intended)

  • Pingback: Review: Tantus Luke O2 | Deviant Dildos

  • http://twitter.com/MerePrototype Ken F.

    Seeing this makes me sorta hopeful. On the one hand, vaginal penetration is awkward for gender reasons. On the other, I do fantasize about it but anything bigger than my damn pointer finger is painful no matter how much I’ve had sex and I don’t know if figuring out G-spot stuff would help with that.

  • Adriana

    I am pretty sure my experience is the opposite. I know it’s cause I am not actively letting dudes put their wangs in me, but still.

  • Oddkin

    And now I’m in the process of ordering a Randy from the Toolshed. FML (but not really)

Read previous post:
Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging
Review: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Pegging

Do you know how many years it's been since Bend Over Boyfriend? I hate to break it to you (and myself), but 1998 was 14...

Close