It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head of whoever “designed” this. Scare quotes forever.
But o, the uses!
Yes, your eyes do not deceive you: the Sexpander can add obtrusive girth and an antennaed protrusion to your penis, your fingers, or your vibrator! Like a growth! Like a fucking fungus! AND SUDDENLY, AT THESE ANGLES, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A SLUG TOO. I don’t even know where to begin in dissecting the copy, but…
The upright portion provides clitoral stimulation and the other side creates vaginal vibration. It enables you to reach a double orgasm, or to practice getting one.
Um, CITATION NEEDED.
In similar news, using the phrase “ensure[s] sensual pleasure” in your sex toy copy does not make it fact, and the word “supple” should not be used when your toy resembles a gastropod. There are rules in this world, Shots Toys. Choose to subvert them at your peril.