Oct 152012
 

THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY.

Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.”

So when Doc Johnson announced they’d be making his cock into a dildo, yes, the once-dormant teenybopper in me flailed a bit. I’ve never wanted a sex toy molded after anyone in particular, but James is ~different~. He is everyone’s pretend boyfriend.

The chase began with Doc Johnson’s ads and pictures of the molding process. Then ANME rolled around and the first photos of the toys popped up on Twitter. We were promised an August release date, then were distressed to hear it pushed to September. We got ants in our pants. We shivered with antici… pation. We fretted over potentially unsafe materials. And finally, a press release gave us aneurysms.

Always, it was not a matter of if I would review the Deen Peen — it was a matter of when. I even made an exception to my usual snooty sex toy reviewer policy of never reviewing porous things, in the interest of trying both versions of the toy — the PVC James Deen Realistic Cock and the James Deen Silicone Vibrating Cock.

And I know I have a lot to live up to. I’ve been told my word will be considered law and that this review will be the highlight of someone’s year, and I do not take this responsibility lightly. These 2,500 words are not fucking around. I refuse to disappoint or steer anyone in the wrong direction. I have done the appropriate testing, I’ve taken illegible notes, and I understand the gravity of what I am about to say.

Which is that you probably shouldn’t buy the James Deen dildos. Either of them. Yes, even if you think James Deen is a golden god.

Trust, though: I prepped for success. I looked up all the Deenagers’ favorite scenes, then I acquired the DVDs from SugarDVD and compiled my findings in a folder called “JD fodder.” I took the opportunity to just go balls-to-the-wall with the Deen watching. I watched him sweat all over Jesse Jane

I watched him pet Stoya as she lapped up milk

And I watched him fuck the fake eyelashes off Skin Diamond’s eyelids.

Oh yes, it was hot, all of it was hot, but what was not hot was the extremely unergonomic dildo with its heavy balls and downward-leaning shaft. What was not hot was being unable to fantasize about this being James’ dick because I was too distracted by the awkwardness of the dildo. It was all too clear that I was in the midst of using a dildo, not in the midst of having my brains fucked out by James Deen.

I’m sorry, my friends, for crushing your dreams.

Specs and comparison to the real thang

Both dildos are phthalate-free (see next section), 2″ in diameter, with 8.25-8.9″ total length and 6.25″ insertable length. Each comes with a cheap and absolutely massive (16″ x 8″) black satin storage bag that won’t stay closed… and sheds so many black strings on the dildo that it looks like it just slept with the girl from The Ring. The PVC one weighs 1 pound 3.9 ounces; the silicone one weighs 1 pound 3.3 ounces. That weight difference is mostly because the Realistic Cock has a suction cup base.

The suction cup works on smooth surfaces just fine (it had some trouble with my textured wall, but I showed it who was boss), although the manual includes an entire section on how to SUPER GLUE THE CUP BACK INTO PLACE if it pops off, so that’s reassuring. The manual also recommends using talcum powder to dust the dildo. No. Do not do this. Talcum powder may cause cancer, and it’s not worth the risk for a slightly softer dildo.

As you might expect, the Silicone Vibrating Cock comes with a 3-speed bullet, which is silver, 5″ long, takes 2 AAAs, and IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. Its construction feels even cheaper than your average watch battery bullet. The batteries have to be locked into a plastic sleeve that slides into the bullet… AND STAYS THERE FOREVER. Ugh. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

To make matters worse, Doc Johnson apparently expects me to use their included packet of corn starch to more easily insert and remove the bullet. What? Did they not get the memo that people use lube for that? Now I have corn starch all over my desk, and it looks like I just made a batch of cookies in my vagina.

Ironically, James Deen is not known for his dick. He is known for his love of burritos, adorable misspelled tweets, mesmerizing gaze that turns women into instant submissives, and proliferation of GIFs on Tumblr. In fact, Tumblr is filled with just as many of this kind of GIF:

As it is this kind of GIF:

And hell, I think I’ve noticed the interesting scar on his hip more than I’ve noticed the shape of his penis. But now, for better or for worse, I am intimately acquainted with his astonishingly girthy cock with its smallish head and impossible length. I even held the PVC dildo up to this picture of James Deen’s actual penis, and the similarities were fucking eerie. Like, even the veins matched.

PVC with Sil-a-Gel vs. Silicone

[Now with update on what's actually in the PVC one, because it's HORRIFYING. Scroll down.]

Why are there two versions of this dildo? I guess because Doc Johnson insists on holding onto their usual porous PVC monstrosities while also sort of acknowledging that silicone is expected of the world in 2012. They want to have their dildo and… eat it too, clearly.

Yet they seem disinterested in making it clear to consumers just what the Realistic Cock is made out of. On the back of the box they call it “our fifth generation Realistic material,” and one sentence later it’s “non-phthalate, body safe PVC; featuring our antibacterial Sil-a-Gel formula.”

I just call it “the porous one.”

Sil-a-Gel was a mystery to me (maybe because it’s fucking made up), but I found a quote from Doc Johnson’s Director of Product Development and Licensing explaining what it is:

Sil-A-Gel is an ingredient that we add to all of our PVC material during the manufacturing stage. It is not a material unto itself. It is anti-bacterial, cadmium and latex free and utilizes ingredients that are on the FDA Safe Ingredient List….that is where the SIL stands for. This was not meant to trick anybody into thinking that this was a silicone product. If you have a product that really smells terrible, we are very sorry. The smell of rubber can be off putting to some people, but it shouldn’t be worse than that. At the end of the day these are rubber based products.

YES, SPEAKING OF THAT. Much to my/your chagrin, the PVC cock doesn’t smell like burritos. Nor does it smell, as my friend put it hauntingly, like “the earthy, grainy smell of James’ pubis.” Nobody’s pubis smells like a brand new shower curtain — the tell-tale smell of a dildo made of PVC. It’s not the worst smell ever, but it’s still not what you want in your nostrils or other orifices.

For me, it’s been a stark reminder of why I don’t review porous toys. Sitting at my desk, I can smell it chilling 9 feet away in the kitchen. The smell has not lessened over time. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I don’t think people should spend $60 on a sex toy that stinks up any room they put it in — 1.25 pounds or not, James Deen or not.

[UPDATE, 07/09/13: The PVC James Deen dildo was sent to a lab and independently tested to determine its actual material composition. The results are shocking. This dildo is 39% PVC, yes... and 61% phthalate, a plasticizer that is toxic to the body. Studies have indicated that large doses of phthalates may cause liver damage, kidney damage, hormonal disruption, reproductive organ damage, and liver cancer. Although we don't know the long-term effects of exposure to phthalates, congress has banned the sale of children’s toys and baby products that contain more than 0.1% of certain phthalates. OUR SEX TOYS SHOULD NOT CONTAIN PHTHALATES, ESPECIALLY NOT 61%, and Doc Johnson BLATANTLY LIE on their packaging for this dildo when they call it "phthalate-free." Fuck that noise.]

Well, if life-like is what you’re looking for, hoooo boy, the PVC cock is where it’s at. The pee hole, the circumcision scar, the little bumps on the balls, and the bit of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the balls… it’s all a bit much, a little too uncanny valley for me, but it’s certainly the most realistic dildo I own.

The silicone version is obviously taken from the same mold, but cast in a material that doesn’t allow for as much freakish detail, and is missing the hand-painted veins and glans. In a way, this is good, because it looks less like it was chopped off an actual human being. Also, it has no scent. Because it is silicone. And silicone has standards.

I tested both materials as best I could for hidden deficiencies. I bled on the PVC one1, then left it out for a day before washing, to ensure that it wouldn’t stain (it didn’t). I also did a flame test on the base of the silicone dildo, and it passed — it is pure silicone, no lies there.

The true test

Real talk: I was expecting to be wowed by the sensation of the PVC cock. I was expecting to have a moral dilemma, because I thought the PVC would be really soft and luscious and I’d have to admit that maybe people should buy something porous and smelly. (Now that I know the dildo is 61% phthalate, a toxic plasticizer, I would never tell anyone to buy it even if I loved how it felt.)

The PVC Cock does have some squish to it, but it’s not nearly as much as I anticipated, and it’s only a hair squishier than the silicone one. My favorite soft material, 100% silicone dual-density VixSkin, is softer and spongier than both of these dildos. And therefore much more enjoyable.

So believe me, you’ll feel those 2 inches of girth. These dildos are huge. I can barely give them handjobs. In fact, that shrine picture up there? The original idea was to set the dildos next to those tall candles to demonstrate their size.

And it’s not just girth — the length is also ridiculous. What these dildos have taught me is that I wouldn’t want to fuck the actual James Deen, because my cervix cries mercy about 3/4 of the way through the shaft. It is… not pleasant. Also, the bullet only adds a pathetic, sad buzz.

What really annoyed me was the drooping in the shaft, as demonstrated in the hilarious picture above. That angle, coupled with the girth, makes insertion hellish, and thrusting very difficult. Plus, the PVC cock’s suction cup is pliable, so it’s a horrible thing to try to grip.

Now let’s talk about the balls for a second forever. The balls, while realistic and all, are extremely large. I’m talking 3″ in diameter measured at their thickest part, and heavy. Like having a testicle-shaped paperweight attached to your dildo at all times. I fucking hate it, but I wondered if I was being irrational.

So I did what you do: I took a poll. A handful of people loathe balls and a handful love them, while 45% of people said they can “deal with them as long as they aren’t a nuisance,” which is how I feel — if they are small or lightweight, I’m okay. But if they are the size of a baseball, then yeah, I have a problem.

Point is, 73% of people (those who hate balls and those who hate big balls) would take issue with these dildos. That’s a pretty high percentage. And these are sex-positive, dildo-friendly people. Yet they still have their limits, as do I, when it comes to testicles.

ENOUGH ABOUT THE BALLS, THOUGH. How about a condensed list for ease of posting on Tumblr? I know you want it.

Reasons the James Deen dildo is not worth it

  • It’s fatter than a lot of people — even me — can manage, and the material is not soft enough to make that okay.
  • The balls are huge, heavy, and in the way of life.
  • The shaft droops downward so insertion and thrusting are a pain. Unless you get someone to use it on you (which I don’t suggest, as cervix-poking is almost inevitable), you can’t really thrust and make your fantasy happen.
  • What is the point if you can’t live out the fantasy of being fucked by James Deen?
  • I’ve put over 100 dildos in my vagina and these are just not up to snuff.

What you really should buy instead

If the experience of using these toys was seamless and wonderful, I’d be able to overlook the fact that they cannot stare into my eyes, rub my clit, eat burritos with me, and murmur sweet nothings against my ear. But the experience was shitty, and the Deen magic is gone.

Here is my Craigslist-like description of the type of person who should buy one of these dildos: must be into mammoth dildos with huge huge balls, have either a lot of arm strength or wish to ride the dildo, must have an unhealthy need to own the precise exact shape of James Deen’s cock or else your fantasy just won’t be complete.

If that doesn’t describe you but you’re still feeling wistful and kind of sad, I really am sorry. You must pry yourself away from the vision you once had, the same one I did — when these dildos were first announced and everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Before the dildos actually hurt.

I know you may not trust my opinion because I’m 26 years old and like, I just got my first smartphone last week, but if there is one thing I know, it’s dildos. And I know you don’t have to settle for these. I know you’ve been saving your lunch money in preparation for these toys, brown bagging it for Deen, and that’s a lot of unsatisfactory lunches, so I don’t want your dildo to be unsatisfactory (and potentially toxic) on top of that. I won’t allow that shit.

I just don’t think these toys are feasible for a lot of people, and I want you to know that that’s okay. There is no shame in needing a size smaller than GIGANTIC. There is no shame in wanting a dildo that doesn’t require copious warm-up every time. And there are other, better options — many, in fact. So many that you can get one that is perfectly sized for you.

So here’s my spiel. If you want a realistic dildo, get one from Vixen Creations. Any VixSkin dildo will do, because VixSkin is dual-density and amazing. If you’re after this kind of girth and length, then boom, there’s the Outlaw, Maverick, or Bandit. If not, no problem — Vixen makes dildos of all girths, lengths, with balls and without balls. Some of them even come in NEON and TIE DYE. Compared to the James Deen dildos, VixSkin dildos are squishier, more ergonomic, body-safe, and made by wonderful people who don’t lie on their packaging.

If the world was very different in many ways, I’d love to do a Pepsi/Coke Bing/Google style challenge in which people could try VixSkin alongside these toys and give their actual, untainted by James Deen’s hotness, opinion. But no, it is not socially acceptable to penetrate people with dildos in public, so you will really just have to take my word for it. And if that doesn’t work, turn on your favorite James Deen scene and remember why you love the guy — for his personality, not for his penis.

tl;dr: Freakishly realistic, massive, not at all ergonomic, can’t eat burritos with you, there are much better dildos for your money.

Thank you thank you forever, SheVibe!

  1. Nothing exciting, just my period. []
  • dollface34

    nooooooo! so much disappointment!

  • Kara_Sutra

    …and all at once, I am left sad and wanting. *sigh* If only Vixen or
    Tantus made moulds of our stars, then my world would be complete.

  • http://twitter.com/storagemistress Catherine

    Your honesty is commendable! It took great strength to look the Deen peen in its eye and say “I do not need your ginormousness!” I trust no other reviewer to tell me the straight dope on the silicone for sale.

  • Michael

    What a surprise.
    Thanks for another great, witty review. Love that you recommended an alternative.

  • http://ashrussell.com ash

    duuuuuuuude, i think you’re a champ for even trying. i feel like the PICTURES are trying to poke my eyes out, i’d cower irl!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    You should’ve seen one of the photos I didn’t use. It was like staring down the barrel of a gun.

  • http://twitter.com/trinityromance trinityromance

    Nice descrip.. Sad to hear it wasn’t all that. Kind of had the feeling it was going to go that way. Regardless always love your reviews.

  • http://ashrussell.com ash

    oh god! i can’t believe you didn’t use it, haha

  • cara

    honestly I knew from the get go I wouldn’t be able to use the whole thing I mean 9 INCHES REALLY??? so I had prepared myself for that. still bought it. used it(well part of it haha). I’m satisfied…

  • Insane Hussein

    I kinda feel like I need to take the size challenge cuz I’m a size queen but leery about the bleeding on the PVC part. *skeered*

  • Sarah @ Marvelous-Darling

    When I got the email “New snark on Hey Epiphora!” and saw that you were on the James Deen dildos, I actually audibly said, “OH FUCK YES.” And now, after reading… “Oh fuck. No.” I’m so sad! I had such high hopes! I mean, I knew they’d never grace my vagina, because sometimes my slightly-above-average boyfriend makes me sore, but still. I thought, “I’ll live vicariously through Piph!” Le sigh.

  • Sex Toy Review Land

    So, now we just need to convince Vixen Creations to make an awesome James Deen dildo…

  • http://twitter.com/IncendiaireRevs Incendiaire

    I ordered a silicone James Deen dildo last week and a neon green
    VixSkin Maverick, so I’ll take your Coke/Pepsi challenge with them when they arrive.

    It’s such a shame that these dildos didn’t live up to your expectations though. I mean, you have two of them, that could have resulted in Deen-Peen double penetration if they’d been up to par.

  • http://twitter.com/kiraskink Kira

    I agree with pretty much all of this. Except I don’t have the PVC version, but man does it ever look creepy.

    It’s such a shame these aren’t AWESOME. I still say Vixen should give it a second shot. Now that would be one hell of a dildo.

  • http://twitter.com/faithlessjuliet faithlessjuliet

    Sad that these aren’t awesome. I’m not really into HUGE dildos though. It took me forever for my vagina to accept the Cush, and I still haven’t conquered my neon green Maverick. I doubt my vagina could put up with this–James Deen or no James Deen.

  • Beth

    great, now what am i supposed to put on my christmas wishlist? i’m so disappointed :(

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    As adorable as James Deen is (god, that dirty lip bite–who wouldn’t swoon?), I was never too interested in the toy line.Your review was still very entertaining and I learned a thing or two (i.e flame testing)–I think it’s your funniest and maybe your best. I like the “What you should get instead” part, because if I were saving my pennies to get this dildo, I’d want an alternative suggestion. I also can’t help but think that if you’re only 26 and this in tune with your sexuality, there’s just nothing but good things ahead for you! How’d the cookies come out?

  • Frankie

    While I don’t need a giant dildo, I would not turn down actual fucking with James Deen, enormous girth or no enormous girth. Taking those big boys is much more fun when it’s flesh and blood rather than a hunk of molded ..something.

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    The eyelashes. The cultural references. The snark of it all. What a long, strange trip the creation of this review has been. Now please, go fuck something that you enjoy to make up for this. I feel like your vagina is owed an apology card.

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    Oh and your comment about riding the toy- I’m legitimately curious how many people do that. The prevalence of suction cups would have me think that I’m weird in NOT riding toys, but then I think about the physics of trying to get my vagina onto a toy suction-cupped to the wall or the floor and I think that there is no way that’s the prevailing means of dildoage. Hmm.

  • http://twitter.com/StabbinRobots Stabbin Robots

    I am disappoint. He deserves better.

  • http://twitter.com/StabbinRobots Stabbin Robots

    *Than Doc Johnson, I mean

  • Jane Blow

    my thoughts exactly. #sigh

  • michele

    oops now i feel weird for liking it lol. maybe I’m letting the fantasy get to my head. or maybe I just have a really big vagina. idk lol. I pretty much thoroughly enjoyed the vibrating one though.

  • http://twitter.com/ExploringMOS ExploringMyOtherSide

    I KNOW how much you love James Deen (and I understand that love completely). And you didn’t let that stop you from bringing on the apparently much deserved snark. I was waiting for this review before making the purchase. Now I know not to bother.

  • Britni

    I still want to have sex with James Deen.

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    I often wonder about this myself. I wonder why more toys don’t have ergonomic handles on the end–instead we’re stuck (pun intended) with suction cups or strapon harness bases, as if those are the prevalent means for holding toys. Unless you get a Feeldoe or one of the handled toys by Tantus http://tantusinc.com/catalog/Dildos/Echo-Handle, there really are few non-vibrating dildos that give you much to hold, to my awareness anyway!

  • L.

    JAYSUS those things are ginormous and ditto the sighs.
    all. of. the. sighs.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Dude, a VixSkin dildo!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I tried to ride the PVC cock after suctioning it to the side of the tub. I lasted about three strokes before the sensation of doing squats got to me. I am extremely puzzled by suction cups also.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    OH MY GOODNESS YOU HAVE TO. YES YES YES.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    No no no, you misunderstood. I was on my period, not bleeding due to overexertion!

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    It’s like the worst parts of exercise AND shitty sex, combined!

  • http://twitter.com/trinityromance trinityromance

    the funfactory dills have a good suction cup base that does provide quiet a bit of material to grip on to, and acts as a good platform in a harness for thrusting.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000223728491 Deborah Zarett

    Really? You never noticed his penis size/shape? It’s pretty noticeable……anyway, as for your comment that the dildos have taught you that you wouldn’t want to fuck the actual James Deen due to you not having a desire to have a bruised cervix, i’m sure if you asked him, he’d go easy on you.

  • Anna

    Oh! Thank you for adding extra photos in this post! And for helping me narrow my dildo wishlist to the Vixskin line. And PS: I’m sure you’re already aware of the movie James Deen made with Lindsay Lohan? I recall seeing the trailer and wanting to email it to you, but I figured you already knew about it.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Oooh yes, it’s been all around the internetz.

  • Insane Hussein

    I missed the footnote, DERPPPPPPPPP

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    No, I added the footnote after you left your comment. :)

  • Insane Hussein

    Ohhh ok. So it was not a derp on my part. Thank Jesus, or rather, thank the Virgin Mary, since you have prayer candles in this post. :)

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  • Passerby

    When I saw the dimensions of this monster, I wondered if any reviewer would be brave enough to write that it’s just too big. And I knew you would really really want to have a happy experience with it. So – thank you for your honesty, even though this probably means James Deen will never call you to deliver a pizza to his house.

    How do you figure his actual penis has fit inside thousands of vaginas — isn’t that kind of amazing? You’d think actresses would have run out of the room screaming! There must be something about human flesh, you think?

    Also, a question for you Epiphora, approximately how many pageviews did this post get? I think a lot of people were watching for this one.
    PB

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Considering how little give the silicone and PVC have, yeah, they’re just too damn big. I like big, but I like big in softer materials most of the time.

    I think actual penises feel much different from most dildos, but I do fear for womens’ cervixes. I don’t know how they handle that LENGTH!

    This post is up to about 1,000 pageviews so far.

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  • http://twitter.com/IncendiaireRevs Incendiaire

    So, the results are in, and I have to say that I entirely share your views on this product.

    I made the mistake of using the Maverick first, and after a good while of amazing squishy and realistic sensations I moved onto the James Deen, only to recoil and ask the question “what is this hard knobbly thing presently impaling me?” It didn’t improve with subsequent testing either, and once it is reviewed it shall be forever returned to its box.

    I’m slightly surprised at how badly it actually turned out. You’d think it would be common sense that you can’t have a dildo that size and that shape, and use a silicone that’s that firm. I have other silicone dildos moulded from porn actors, made by Fleshjack, and they’re a pleasure to use because they’re so much softer. Don’t even get me started on the balls; whose idea was it to strap a counterweight to the bottom of a dildo and then make consumers pay extra for all that wasted material?

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I FEEL SO VINDICATED.

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  • randy taker

    Got the James Deen for my birthday and wow, could almost blow it! Felt very moist as it came (no pun intended) out the box and couldn’t wait to get going and boy I wasn’t disappointed. Once the head was inside me the extra girth of James cock really felt good, didn’t take long with a good motion to get right up to the balls and get them hitting on me, vibrations only on low the first time and didn’t take long to bring me to a creamy climax.I rested a while, relaxed a little with the cock vibrator off till I felt horny again.
    On the second go I experimented with long steady thrusts once I had the beast inserted, pulling out till just the head was inside me and this produced another huge climax – just got worried in case the batteries went flat! If only all my guys were that good at satisfying my ass then I’d me a happy guy.

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  • automidnight

    I bought the pvc toy, The smell doesn’t bother my wife or I. My wife thought she would have trouble with the girth but ended up loving it. The giant balls make a great handle while I fuck her with it while licking her clit. The suction cup works great for fucking myself up the ass with it in the shower, which i will admit takes some effort and a ton of lube. I like your witty review but I disagree. But then again I haven’t experienced 100+ dildos. I too will buy the vixskin and take the pepsi coke challenge.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I’m glad you’re enjoying it, but please, if you are using it anally put a condom on it. The PVC one is porous. If you don’t, you could transfer bacteria to your wife and give her an infection. This is why I prefer non-porous dildos.

  • MattnLinda98

    I appreciate you review but just to say that a dildo or vibe is 2 inches of girth is not nearly as helpful as mentioning the true circumference. I have found that going from 6″ to 6.25″ is a big jump and then to 6.5″ even more so. So knowing the exact circumference is nice to know to help us make up our mind on the correct toy for us. Thank you!!

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    It is common practice in the sex toy industry to list the diameter, not the circumference, of toys. In any case, you can always use a calculator to convert diameter to circumference. In this case, you’re looking at 6.28″ in circumference.

  • bdsm<3smm

    i turn over and ride my toys on the bed all the time, its the only
    way i can orgasm from them, they dont have suction cups though, if im using my hands i cant cum cause i know im doing it, doesnt feel real enough. why dont you try suction cupping it to the floor, thats what i would do if i had a suction cup one, seems a lot more natural

  • TJtheMadHatter

    I’m going to be steering away from these dildos. This review and the Dildo War that is going on, Dildology vs. Doc Johnson, have made it an easy decision. It was because of this review, that I learned the term “Deenager”. I honestly didn’t know who he was before I read it. I’m eternally grateful for my James Deen education. Thanks, Epiphora.

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  • Anole Dora

    Those calculations assume that you’re looking for the circumference of a perfect circle. Most realistic dildos are nowhere near perfectly circular, so there’s really no way to calculate an accurate circumference when you’re only given the diameter.

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  • Victoria Reuveni

    I’m just glad I didn’t shell out money for this toy, but just won it from a contest-y thing. That scent was seriously offputting, concerning actually. I don’t really have words. I appreciate the review! Thanks!

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  • Gabriel Clark

    Does Vixen Creation sponsor this blog? You talk about them ad nauseam. It makes me take everything you say with a grain of salt, even though I’m no dildo expert.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Seriously? No. I just love their dildos. And I am a dildo expert.

  • Gabriel Clark

    Yeah…okay…

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Yes, challenge the woman who owns over 400 sex toys. Do that.

  • Gabriel Clark

    Seems like you’re grown pretty tired of them….

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    First you say that I love certain dildos too much, and now that I hate all sex toys? Get your argument straight.

  • Rayne Millaray

    Not to be an ass, but isn’t it the same size/shape as Deen’s cock? So wouldn’t making it smaller kinda defeat the purpose of it being a mold of his penis? I’m all for the softer material, though. Wonder why DJ’s silicone is so hard.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I’m not seeing where I said it should be smaller, necessarily, but it really really needs to be softer. The balls also contribute to how enormous (and difficult to maneuver) it is.

  • Rayne Millaray

    You said “it’s fatter than a lot of people can manage.” In any case, I wasn’t snarking. Just thinking aloud, really. :)

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Mostly I’m just concerned that people will buy it solely because it’s James Deen’s dick, without realizing just how huge it is, and then feel guilty that they can’t use it. Don’t want that to happen!

  • Rayne Millaray

    That makes total sense.