09.04.12

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

My doctor was mildly amused when I told her that I run a sex toy review blog. “Some people experience a loss of libido,” she said later, after she’d prodded my cervix, “and in rare cases, inability to orgasm.”

I laughed as I replied, “well, that would be a deal breaker.”

I filled the prescription and nodded politely as the soft-spoken pharmacist smiled and explained that I might have suicidal thoughts. All of this was new to me, but it seemed easy enough.

I thought I was just being paranoid the first time it happened. I was still on just 25 milligrams a day and was having no side effects whatsoever. But as I masturbated, I felt that something was off. It didn’t feel as good as usual. It was probably just a fluke, though. I blamed the porn, then switched to something hotter. It didn’t seem to make a difference, but I told myself it did.

A few more masturbation sessions later, the problem was coming into focus. I noticed that there were no peaks and valleys of pleasure anymore. My G-spot felt non-existent. My clit felt numb. The masturbation didn’t hold my interest, and my mind wandered. More than once, I considered putting the toys down and quitting in the middle of things.

I knew how fucked up that thought was, but instead I turned the Eroscillator up to its top speed. I re-adjusted the Mystic Wand. I squeezed the Minna Ola as hard as I could for as long as I could. I pretended all of this was normal, despite the creeping dread that it was not.

Even worse, my orgasm felt out of reach, like something I had to hunt for and then grasp quickly when it came near, rather than something I could almost fully control — to the point of timing it down to the second.

I eventually did come. Ironically, my orgasms on Zoloft were always intense — probably due to the long-ass build-up.

When I started to believe that what I was experiencing was real, I Googled “Zoloft numb genitals.” I tweeted about my issue. And out of the woodwork, very quickly, I found people with the same problem, and not just that — people with the problem after they stopped taking antidepressants. I’m not a hypochondriac, but that article scared the shit out of me.

“I know my body,” I told my boyfriend. “I know what those toys should feel like. And they don’t.”

Still, I gave it one more chance. I was on 50 milligrams at this point. I whipped out the Crystal Delights Star Delight, hoping it would blow my mind as always. Instead, it didn’t feel like much of anything. It certainly didn’t feel like it was hitting my G-spot.

I knew then, for sure, that I was not hallucinating. No matter what I did, no matter which amazing toy I used, it felt like a chore. An uninspiring, pleasureless chore. That is what my favorite thing, the thing I built my online existence on, was reduced to. I was petrified… and furious.

I emailed my doctor and called this side effect “unacceptable.” Predictably, she pointed out that “sadly this was a known risk.” It had been two weeks. I quit cold turkey and didn’t look back.

I am lucky. I do not need this drug to function.1 I have had mere weeks stolen from me, not years. I’m also lucky that I know my body. I am a person who knows what masturbation feels like, but I still thought I was imagining things at first. I worry about other people who wouldn’t realize these effects until years later, if at all.

I’ve known many people for whom antidepressants have been a godsend. Actually, I know people who would be dead by now without Zoloft specifically. But I will never forget how helpless this made me feel. How broken and insane. Before, I could not conceive of being unable to orgasm, or of feeling no pleasure during masturbation. Now I’ve felt it, and it’s deeply terrifying.

I masturbated last night and it was a fucking triumph. I came close to orgasm many times. Easily. My G-spot responded readily to the Penetralia Number 23. I enjoyed the variations in the vibrations from the Minna Ola on my clit. I never, at any point, wanted to stop jacking off. I was enjoying myself.

The orgasm was nothing special — fairly weak, in fact. It came quicker than I would have liked, before I could use all the toys I’d laid out. And I cannot describe to you how good it felt.

  1. I don’t really want to get into why I started Zoloft, but it’s basically for mild anxiety. I’m considering alternative treatments at the moment. I don’t really need suggestions, although everyone keeps mentioning Wellbutrin. [↩]

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  • R

    Wow, I’m sorry :( I guess I’m really lucky that I’ve never experienced any sexual dysfunction on Zoloft, even though I take an extremely high dose (200 mg). My libido is through the roof and I orgasm just as easily as I always have.

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  • grotesk_faery

    I’ve never taken Zoloft, but I’ve been on multiple antidepressants for the better part of 8 years. I need them to function, and I accept that. I started taking them before I really got into anything sexual, and everything was fine… until about a year or two ago. Sex and masturbation are boring. Orgasm is a chore and I can actually THINK about things while I’m having one, including how weak they are. That shouldn’t happen. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for a couple years now, and exclusively Wellbutrin for about a year. I don’t think it is this drug that has caused it, especially since it is often used to treat this condition (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction). However, it is also a drug used for smoking cessation, and I started smoking while on it, so I’m honestly not sure how well it works for me in that area. However, it’s been a safe and effective antidepressant and I’m terrified to change my meds again. I’m not ashamed to say that the last major medication change led to me almost dying, and I’d much rather be safe and sexually dysfunctional than a completely dysfunctional- or dead- person. I do believe this condition was brought on by years of SSRI use, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. It took years to show up, and treatment for this is relatively poor, so I don’t know exactly how to approach it. All I know is, it’s awful. I want sex and I want orgasms, but they’re just horribly unfulfilling. I am an absolute advocate of antidepressants, and I know there will never be a time when I am not on them. If you need them, you should take them, regardless of things like sexual side effects. But always be aware of the risks, and if you feel comfortable trying an alternative treatment, do it.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree, better to be sexually dysfunctional than dead. Just horrible that you have to make that choice.

  • Cammies on the Floor

    I’ve just started on Zoloft and I’m incredibly worried about this happening. The partner that I have had the most incredible sex in my life with is due to visit next week and I would be devastated if anything were to ruin that experience. For now I suppose I’ll cross my fingers and hope for the best, but if I experience the same the Zoloft will be tossed away faster than my rabbit gets me off!

  • grotesk_faery

    It is, especially since I’m only eighteen… The idea of living like this for the rest of my life is exceedingly depressing; it’s already become almost unbearable. I am actually going to see my primary doctor tomorrow, and I will be plucking up my courage and asking about possibly adding another medication to my regimen that could help with this instead of changing my actual antidepressant. So, wish me luck, I guess. Thank you so much for this post and this blog in general, it’s always a treat ;)

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Do not be afraid to speak up for yourself and your sexual health, my friend. Be your own advocate as much as you can.

  • dizzygirl

    I know this is an older blog entry but I just stumbled across your site (while googling “sex toy reviews”. No, really.) and I’m loving it. Just felt like I wanted to add something to the comments here. Though I probably won’t say anything that hasn’t been said already.

    I have been on meds the better part of my adult life. Not just ADs but two ADs, an antipyshotic, a dash of speed (I have an Rx, I swear), and the very occasional benzodiazepine. I need them to live. And they do fuck with my sex life. But I made the decision a long time ago that I needed to sacrifice my libido and orgasms in order to live a sane life and not hurt the people I love.

    All of the ADs that inhibit serotonin reuptake do the same thing to me. I can’t get off, easily. Pre-meds or off meds, I can have a orgasm almost by just thinking about having one. Now, it can be a chore to reach one.

    I’m shocked that your doctor told you it was a rare side effect. That’s bullshit and s/he knows it. True, not everyone who takes Zoloft, or any in the SSRI/SNRI class, will have sexual side effects but it sure as hell ain’t a rarity if you do.

    So, now I take Effexor (AD in the SNRI class) and that’s the one that kills my orgasms….monkeying with the damn serotonin and all. I am also on Wellbutrin which is often used as an add on med that can help reverse the sexual side effects brought on by other ADs.

    I can’t belive my husband has stuck by me all these years when I didn’t want sex and only forced myself to do so once a week because I felt horrible about it all. He’s a real good guy, that one.

    But what do ya know, very recently my libido has had an awakening. I feel like I want to have sex again. It’s fun. We’ve tried things we never did before and I’m thinking about sex a lot throughout the day. It’s been a complete 180 in a very short amount of time.

    One thing I can attribute it to is that I finally got brave and increased my Wellbutrin dose to the highest prescibed. And it’s like a light went on in my head and my vulva. We’ve also opened up about our sex life and all the problems we’ve been living with all these years. That has helped tremendously as well. So, I guess all this rambling could be summed up by simply saying, “YAY ME!”

    When I was depressed and batshit crazy, I didn’t want sex because I didn’t even want to live and on top of that shit, I took the crazy out on the people I love. Couldn’t do that anymore. So, I went from no libido due to depression right into still no libido…but now is it because I’m still struggling with depression on some level or, is it a side effect of these damn meds that I love to hate?

    The long winded point I’m trying to make is that sometimes, people lose their libido because of depression. If the meds can drag thier ass out of the pit and they start being happy again, the ibido can often return. I think that’s what has been going on with me. It takes a lot more work to get off but at least I want to again. The meds do truly suck and needing them sucks even more but life can get good again.

    I think that if you only had very mild anxiety and it wasn’t to a degree that was effecting your life in a really horrible way (like, I can’t walk out my front door cause the world scares the shit out of me) then you probably didn’t need meds anyway.

    I would suggest maybe a low dose benzodiazepine (like Xanax, Klonopin or Ativan) taken as needed. It’s sounds as though this wans’t a shrink who Rxed the Zoloft because you mention some cervix poking and that would be a really wierd thing to happen in a shrink’s office. That’s part of the problem. I don’t want to say that people shouldn’t see thier GP for depression or anxiety. If they for some reason can’t or don’t want to see a psychiatrist then by all means, don’t suffer go to your GP. But the shrinks are experts with these meds for a reason. They tend to know a lot more about them and they know how to mix the meds (when one just doesn’t quite cut it) to achieve the best results.

    So, in closing, I’d just like to say to you:

    If you have no history of addiction (do the sex toys count?) and the anxiety is really limiting how you live your life, then I suggest seeing a shrink…and not the kind that likes to talk about your feelings, though therapy is helpful. Go to an M.D. and thell them you have an aversion to Zoloft and that you don’t want to go on meds like it. They may go the benzo route.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Thank you for sharing your experience! You’re right that expecting a GP to have all the information was probably a bad idea, especially since I didn’t know what I was doing. I really had no idea sexual side effects were so common; I guess because people don’t want to talk about it.

    I’m glad you are finding a way to work with the meds in a way that allows you to finally enjoy sex. I can’t imagine having to battle that every single day.

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