Jul 092012
 

My blender has 9 more speeds than the Jimmyjane Little Chroma. It also cost 50% less and makes delicious smoothies.The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your friend emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London. Not like replying to a Craigslist post about an apartment only to have the nice folks offer to mail you the key from West Africa. Not like someone making nasty things about you on Twitter.

But in the simple, old school way: Jimmyjane tries to swindle you into buying the Little Chroma. And I want to intervene. No, need to intervene. I really can’t stand this shit anymore.

Jimmyjane knows the importance of marketing, and they use it to make the Little Chroma look mighty tasty. It’s made of aluminum — shiny and smooth and shaped like a luxury tampon. It comes with a replaceable motor, so the vibrator can never die (…as long as you keep buying replaceable motors). And, of course, it comes in a multitude of styles, from your average black and magenta to designer looks and insanely overpriced materials with embedded diamonds. Jimmyjane throws around the word “everlasting,” as though you can take the Little Chroma into your next life when you die.

Then they toss the $125 price tag at you (that’s just the cheapest one), and you’re already justifying it to yourself. Well, it’s shiny aluminum… it will last forever

But you see, the Little Chroma needs this marketing; it requires it. Jimmyjane has to put this toy in extravagant celebrity gift bags and swanky hotels and hope for an unintentional celebrity endorsement (’cause celebs can’t resist 24K gold vibrators!). Without deft marketing, nobody would give one fuck about this toy. Because — and they hide this truth exceedingly well — it is only luxurious if you have really low standards when it comes to sex toys.

The Little Chroma has one speed. And it’s no stronger than your average cheapo bullet. Actually, it’s pretty damn mild, and a chore to reach orgasm with. ONE SPEED FOR $125. You know what’s also one speed? Watch battery bullets — the dinky things that come free with your silicone dildos. Hell, Jimmyjane’s own $16 Iconic Bullet has three speeds!

And that’s irritating as fuck, but what I find nearly as irritating is how you turn the Little Chroma on and off. Is it via a button or a dial like almost every vibrator on earth? No, the Little Chroma is special — you have to screw the cap on and off to control it. If the cap is completely screwed on, it takes me eight finger-and-thumb twists to turn the thing off. This takes 5-6 seconds, which I timed because I want you to understand how fucking ridiculous this is. Not that I really need to explain why having to unscrew a tiny cap is not conducive to stress-free jacking off; it’s PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY.

This issue also renders the Little Chroma basically not waterproof. Because if you want to take it in the bath, it has to be on the entire time. And if you want to warm it up or cool it down in water before use (an oft-touted feature, since aluminum is very receptive), it has to be buzzing away. Yeah, that’s not a recipe for disaster or anything.

If you consider that the Little Chroma was actually more of a precursor to rechargeable toys, that explains why it’s powered by one AA battery and one battery-shaped replaceable motor. Of course they try to spin this as a great feature, but let me tell you, there is nothing comforting about taking the batteries/motor out of your $125 vibrator, peering into the abyss, and realizing just how unsophisticated the technology behind the toy is. There is nothing to see. It’s an empty shell. As empty as your pockets. As empty as your soul.

I’m sure you can sense my rage. I just consider the Little Chroma one of the most overrated vibes of all time. Whenever I see a glowing review of it, a part of me dies. I get actually enraged, because people seem so willing to overlook everything that makes this toy stupid. I just read one review calling the $325 Little Gold “an affordable luxury toy.” I WANTED TO SCREAM.

There are three positive points to the Little Chroma: it’s quiet, enjoyable to the touch, and comes with a three year limited warranty. But: it doesn’t have any vibration patterns. It’s not rechargeable. It’s not actually waterproof. It doesn’t come with a storage pouch. It’s expensive. YOU HAVE TO SCREW THE CAP ON AND OFF TO CONTROL IT. And I’ve seen way too many toys that are better than this thing, so I am not fooled. For example:

  • Turbo Glider ($24). It’s a thousand times stronger, with a variable speed dial, at a fifth of the price.
  • LELO Mia ($64) and We-Vibe Tango ($79). Small, rechargeable, and much more stimulating.
  • Eroscillator ($140-250). Oscillations that feel amazing and, because they cannot be found in any other toy, are worth the money.
  • Tantus’ Alumina dildos ($100). No vibrations, but the solid (that’s right; not hollowed out!) aluminum feels weighty and fabulous.
  • Pipedream’s Pure Aluminium line ($32-42). If you must have vibrating aluminum, at least these have more than one speed.

Honestly, you’d be better off looking up bullet vibrators under $25 and choosing one randomly. It would probably be better than the Little Chroma. At least, it wouldn’t be like flushing money down the toilet.

To conclude this screed, do not buy the Jimmyjane Little Chroma or any iteration of it. No Little Steels, no Little Golds. Please. I fucking beg you. Save yourself the hundred bucks, or get a pair of anti-gravity chairs or something. Just not this. We live in the future; we don’t have to deal with one-speed vibrating tampons anymore.

Bonus! Epiphora’s Near-Perfect Most Favorite Smoothie

  • One big-ass banana, frozen if possible
  • One heaping cup of strawberries, frozen if possible
  • 1/4 cup dry oats
  • 1 1/2 tbsp peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup milk of any sort

Blend until awesome.

  • Navigator

    Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting for someone to call Jimmyjane out on their shit with this one. Jesus lord, I have had ten-dollar bullets from a dimly-lit sex store that were stronger (and easier to use) than this piece of tripe.

  • http://girlyjuice.tumblr.com/ Girly Juice

    Before I really got interested in sex toys, I wanted a Little Chroma so bad. But that was because I thought it had variable speeds, which I flat-out REQUIRE in order to reach orgasm. There’s no mention on Jimmyjane’s website that this toy has only one speed; I had to find it out by reading reviews. OH, the RAGE! I’m just glad that my young, inexperienced self decided to choose Lelo over Jimmyjane, because it would have been such a waste of money for me to buy this.

  • Skyclad

    Thank you! I was almost seduced into buying one of these because it was beautiful, had good reviews, and seemed so awesome. Thank god I was too frickin’ broke at the time and was forced to “settle” with the Wahl and a Tantus dildo. A friend bought one and after looking it over I was horrified by it’s level of pure fail. One of the few times being a poor college student has paid off. Jimmyjane needs to get their act together or just quit. My Wahl might not be as glamorous or portable but it gives fantastic orgasms for $20. Thanks again for pulling their bs out in the open. As always, a great review. Now time to shop for the Tango!

  • http://twitter.com/faithlessjuliet faithlessjuliet

    I remember considering this when I was looking for my first “real” sex toy (something that was not a silver bullet). So glad I didn’t.

    Also this when you said “luxury tampon,” I almost wet my pants from laughing so hard.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    There’s no mention on Jimmyjane’s website that this toy has only one speed

    I KNOW. IT’S INFURIATING.

  • http://twitter.com/mistressoftheob Mama K

    I do not contest anything you say here. I do think it’s funny that I still use my little chroma on occasion and I actually kinda like it. I also frikin’ love my hitachi tho. I just can’t take it everywhere and it’s not red and fancy… I also kinda like the crave duet but I’m not completely head over heels in love as far as fancy, silent and tiny vibes go. Do you have an alternative reco I might not have seen yet? Love your work always! <3 K

  • http://twitter.com/faithlessjuliet faithlessjuliet

    Also I cannot wait to try that smoothie recipe! :)

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  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    My favorite rechargeable clit toys are the We-Vibe Touch, LELO Siri, Leaf Life, and LELO Mia. I’m still kinda looking for one that is so amazing I want to shout from the rooftops, though, because I’m so particular.

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  • http://twitter.com/marvydarling sarah

    My assistant manager theorizes that your smoothie would be excellent for your (and your partner’s) sex life. Allegedly, bananas are good for semen load size, peanut butter is arousing, and if you threw pineapple in, you’d be tasty as well. This is all conjecture. And yes, we’re reading your blog at work.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Of course peanut butter is arousing.

  • Charlotte

    Such a true review! You couldn’t have said it better!

  • http://rollinthehay.blogspot.com/ rollinginthehay

    Oh, this makes me so sad. It was supposed to be awesome. But really, other than it being pretty, I never saw the appeal. And, wait, did you say one speed and *not* rechargeable? Oh, no. Nuh-uh. Nope.

  • conte.de.fees

    I really appreciate this. I bought a Little Chroma as my first vibrator and felt pretty lame when I couldn’t orgasm from it. I hd multiple issues with it, but liked it because it didn’t really look like a sex toy. Now I know I can find something like that… but that’s actually functional.

  • TJtheMadHatter

    I first read this review when you linked in a tumblr post. You were telling people where to get a great vibrator and avoid this one. I think. Anyways, I read this review, and realized, “Shit just got real. She’s not fucking around when she doesn’t like a toy.” From there I was hooked. I know it sounds hokey, but it’s the truth. Your pure loathing of this toy, is what really drew me to your reviews. By the way, favorite line, “As empty as your soul”. Gets me every time. Needless to say, I’ve never given this toy a second glance.

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  • Rin

    I remember discussing this toy on Eden’s (ugh) forums, and how a lot of folks were gushing about it. I stated that one speed seemed like a waste of money, and someone else piped up that I could use different areas of the vibe to simulate different speeds. I just remember thinking, “Or or or or OR… I could buy a vibrator with different speeds! My god, I gotta be some kind of genius!”

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