Apr 112012
 

The Jopen Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen women’s pelvic floor muscles and treat incontinence. When product testers began experiencing an “unexpected” side effect — intense orgasms — the medical peeps contacted Jopen. Jopen knew just how to turn the thing into a true blue sex toy: they stuck a clit stimulator on it. And kept its original color of pukey pink-purple, because we all know women won’t touch anything outside of those shades.

So the toy was released, Jopen started throwing out phrases like “game-changer,” sex bloggers gawked at the toy’s hideousness, Jopen released a weird-ass video testimonial starring your friend’s mom who drank too much peppermint schnapps, and I had to have one. The Intensity is awkward, weird, and ugly… all reasons I needed to put it in my vagina. Besides, anything with the astronomical price tag of $250 needs to be thoroughly investigated. As someone said to me on Twitter, “Does it make your coffee?” To which I replied, “NOPE, JUST SHOCKS YOUR VAGINA.”

Because yes, the Intensity is actually an electrostim toy. They’re not marketing it as a BDSM device, of course, but that’s essentially what it is. It features two silver electrodes, one on each side of its shaft, that emit electric currents. At a certain level, these currents induce vaginal contractions.

In life, the Intensity does not look nearly as polished as it does in the computer-rendered publicity photos; it has seams, and the silicone surrounding the electrodes is iffy. It also does not come with the 4 AAAs required to run the thing, which is just ridiculous for a $250 toy (but so is the fact that it’s not rechargeable). It comes with a 2-ounce tube of electrode gel, which proudly proclaims itself “salt-free”… in case you keep a pet slug in your vagina.

The manual instructs, “apply a reasonable amount of water based lubricant to the tip of the insertable portion of the device.” Yeah, be reasonable about it! Don’t go all haywire! But when applying the electrode gel, use a “moderate amount.” God, this is hard.

And you’d think that for $250 you wouldn’t have to manually inflate this toy, but you’d be wrong. That’s why the base is so goddamn huge. You have to squeeze it until the shaft reaches the girth of your liking. It begins at 1.4″ in diameter and inflates up to 2″ or so, which takes 20 exhausting squeezes. Also, you’re supposed to inflate it “to desired comfort” before turning it on. There is a very particular order of things. And you aren’t supposed to remove the toy while the electrostim is going, which makes me paranoid about burning my vaginal walls or something.

After all of the manual-memorizing and goo application, though, it’s not difficult to operate. It has 5 vibration intensities and 10 electro levels, all controlled separately.

I’ve never experienced electrostimulation before, which perhaps makes me ill-equipped to handle internal electro-stim. Still, I think I did pretty well. I was able to conquer the 10 settings in just a few sessions with the Intensity. But I did it for bragging rights, not because it was pleasurable.

The electrostim starts out as a tingling sensation, but it turns into a weird pulse that, as promised, makes my vaginal muscles contract involuntarily. I can just barely perceive the electrostim on level 3. It starts to feel weird and cause contractions around level 6. 8 is a little scary. 9 starts to hurt. But after I’ve made it to 10 and hung out there for a while, 8 feels way gentle, and the pulsations are barely perceptible to me at level 7.

The electric pulses are a second long, with a half-second gap between them. This may not sound slow, but it is.

And then there’s this stupid bump on the shaft, right under the clit stimulator, that is home to another motor. I want to kill this thing. It is in the worst possible spot and it fucking hurts. I’m told this is supposed to be a G-spotting bump, which does not make any goddamn sense as it rests just inside my vagina.

Actually, let’s talk about the whole G-spotting aspect of this toy, because of course that is promised in the promotional materials. The Intensity’s shaft is completely straight, and that bump is in the wrong spot entirely. I can’t thrust with this toy, and I can’t clench around it on my own — the two ways I experience G-spot stimulation. The electricity does not feel concentrated on my G-spot, and the involuntary clenching does not feel remotely the same as my own, voluntary clenching. Therefore, this is not a G-spot toy in the slightest. So stop lying.

Then there’s the three-pronged clitoral stimulator. Its vibration levels are buzzy and acceptable, but the shape is not. It pokes. It pokes my clit in surround sound. As if this toy wasn’t uncomfortable enough already.

But the key thing to realize is how damn distracting the electrostim is. I really cannot think about my clit when my vag is pulsing… pulsing… pulsing. And by the time I’m finally able to concentrate on my clit enough to have an orgasm, the orgasm feels completely out of my control. The pulses just go on their slow and merry way, doing whatevs they want to do, and my body doesn’t know how to process that amidst an orgasm.

This is perhaps the most egregious thing about the Intensity. This machine will decide how your muscles contract when you orgasm. If it is out of sync with what feels natural to you (hint: it will be), too bad. You will have to ride it out. And feel cheated at the end. Worth $250? I think not.

There are people in the wild world of the internet who claim this toy gives them “instant orgasms” that last as long as they want. How can I put this gently… um, I don’t know what these people are snorting. I seriously do not understand how this could be. Vaginal contractions are not orgasms. I just… I can’t.

I suppose the Intensity could work as BDSM device if you like the sensation of involuntary vaginal contractions. And I would almost recommend it for people who need serious kegel help, because it definitely induces kegels. But then, buried in the manual, among other warnings, is this one:

This product is intended for use as an adult novelty product only. For external use only. Any product use for medical purposes or for a use that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited.

This is a very common warning on sex toy packaging, but in this context, it is especially ironic. Remember, although the Intensity was once a medical device, it is now a questionable sex toy manufactured by a huge company. If you want to improve your PC muscles, I recommend the archaic vag balls, which not only cost 80% less, but are under your vagina’s control.

Besides, the moment they put rabbit ears on this thing, they made it into a sex toy, therefore implying that I am supposed to enjoy using it. And I really, really don’t. I don’t know what’s worse: the upsetting electro pulses, the painful “G-spot” bump, the poketastic clitoral stimulator, or the shitty orgasms. The phrase “waste of time and money” doesn’t quite capture the essence or true absurdity of this product, so I hope these 1,300 words have.

Use code HEY10 to get 10% off the Intensity.

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  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com nilla

    OMFG…

    made me snort tea out my nose… (good thing it wasn’t projectile snorting or my keyboard would have been fried…)

    “just in case you keep a slug in your vagina”

    gross. grossly hysterically funny.

    omfg.

    You are da Awesome.

    nilla

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    All of this, and I STILL think it’s right up my alley. Seriously. I do. I still want to put this thing in my cunt and give it a go. I’m probably crazy, but I do. I also wanna compare this with electrosex vaginal probes. See how it stacks up.

    I too was slain by the “in case you keep a pet slug in your vagina”. I love you.

  • Dolly

    $250 for a toy that takes batteries, not to mention looks cheap.

    The thought of using the electro stimulation internally never really bothered me, but I could only imagine what a sexual sadist would do if they got ahold of it and cranked it up without using gel… the first time I touched the Intensity the shock zipped up my arm and stayed up there for about fifteen minutes.

    However it’s fun to turn on the shock and get unsuspecting people to grab the shaft of the toy!

  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    I love the irony of the discount code offered after your scathing review, as if someone might actually consider purchasing the toy after reading that!

    And my favorite line in the review was “I don’t know what these people are snorting.”

  • http://early2bed.com searah

    Have I told you lately that I love you.

  • Naomi

    This made me laugh and laugh. Well written and very true.

  • ladyastolat

    Someone should give you a medal for this review.

    Like the sex toy reviewer equivalent to a purple heart, since I feel like you jumped in front of a bullet on behalf of the entire internet for this one.

    <3

  • Ivan

    Being male, I will obviously never have first-hand opinions on this particular toy. However I do enjoy me some electrostim. There’s a great community of helpful folks over at SmartStim that will help you figure out how to enjoy e-stim for yourself, and the consensus over there seems to be that this thing stinks.

    I’m honestly not surprised. e-stim is very personal in how it needs to be tuned for enjoyment. You need to be able to set the frequency and the pulse rates just so in order for them to do exactly what you want. This thing doesn’t have any of the right knobs to be enjoyable. You can get enjoyable, safe, commercial devices that will feel better than something like this for way under $100.

  • Kat Smith

    I already had one of these, so I had to read your review. Honestly, I have to say I really disagree with pretty much everything you said.

    I will say that the rabbit is a little too much for me if I start off with it on — to get everything situated in the right place for inflation, it presses against my clit a little harder than I need, which is too much until I really get going.

    But the thing that makes this thing worth the money to me is what happens AFTER I use it. I’m not going to say that the orgasm it gives me is the end-all be-all — it isn’t. But after using it, all my nerve endings are super excited. And that means we can use it as a warm-up toy. After using it, every single touch from my S.O. seems 1000 times more intense.

    Nothing in your review said anything about the after-effects. Maybe you might want to try it again, because I can tell you that the after-effects are what makes this thing so amazing.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Kat Smith: Clearly we have had very opposite experiences with this toy. I almost always had to use another toy after the Intensity because I was so pissed off about the horrible orgasm I received from it, and all I found was that I couldn’t feel the next toy as much because my vagina felt… kind-of numb. It was certainly not a heightened sensation.

  • http://nymphomaniacness.blogspot.com/ Nymphomaniac Ness

    @Kat Smith:
    Hey Kat,

    I own an Intensity rabbit and I found the after effects to be very similar to how my body can feel after most mild orgasms. I am more aware of my pelvic floor muscles and sensations, but this isn’t any more than when using other weaker vibes, or even my hands.

    For me to experience what you seem to be claiming I need to use a toy which stimulates my G-spot firmly, such as my njoy Pure Wand. The vibrations and electro stim on the Intensity are really lacking… so much I prefer to use a more manual toy. Which will quickly make me climax multiple times, where as the Intensity had trouble getting me past round one. Though I guess you may be extremely sensitive.

    I too found the toy, bulky, took time to use, and really didn’t like the clit stim ears. However, I did like the inflatable shaft, and the only reason I liked it was because it’s the first toy I’ve found with this function which doesn’t contain latex.

    I tested mine often throughout the course of 2 months, and I never experienced any of the sensations it claimed. I also found that it didn’t help strengthen my pelvic floor muscles… though maybe I have very well developed pelvic floors muscles and control over them compared to some – My OH has even compared them to the strength of some comic book hero’s *cough* he’s such a geek.

    While I didn’t have all the problems Epiphora experienced with the toy, I did experience most of them, and I think her reviews very good. We both have very different vaginas and experience orgasms very differently… just like everyone really. But, it wouldn’t make me disagree with her review and say it’s wrong, as what works for some may not for others. I think this is something people have to understand when writing a review and reading one.

    Also, if you found the clit stim a ‘little harder’ at first, until your body was aroused, to me this shows you probably experienced a similar problem with the clit stim. You shouldn’t have to become aroused for the external stim to feel comfortable, that’s just your brain covering up the discomfort with ‘happy’ chemicals. For the price of the toy, it should’ve had a lot more thought put into how comfortable the clit stim is for women, especially as this is what makes the toy a pleasure object rather than medical implement.

    Anyway, I’m rambling now as I’m rather tired. I’ll come back to this discussion at some other point and maybe add more.

  • http://kinktasticsada.blogspot.com Sada

    If kegels were orgasms, I’d be coming all the damn time. Bored in class? Oops, orgasm! Long bus ride? Jizzing everywhere! Waiting in line would become better than the best sex.

    Unfortunately, that’s not how things actually work. Pity.

  • Debbie

    I had to post only because I want to let women know that I had a great experience with the device. I won’t call it a toy because it was actually recommended to my by my gyno. She said it would help me orgasm easier because the stimulation was designed to make my pelvic floor tighter. I have used it for a little over 2 weeks and my partner has told me he can tell a difference in how I feel and I can feel a lot more during sex too. I am able to orgasm consistently when I use it and I am getting there easier with sex now too. I appreciate your honesty on the review, but want to make sure that it doesn’t turn women off from the product before they have a chance to try it themselves.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Debbie: Your success is not unique to the Intensity, though. Those are results that can come from doing kegels on a regular basis. Kegels do not require a $250 toy, just persistence.

  • http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com Tess Danesi

    I love you too!

    The “just in case you keep a pet slug in your vagina” is my favorite line of all time.

    I saw this toy at AVN 2 years ago and it is fugly as hell. Reading your review just confirms what I already figured, it sucks. Glad to see some people saying they feel they got their money’s worth with this toy but the disclaimer is particularly idiotic when they want docs to recommend it. God, I hate these companies and their novelty shit.

    Thanks for my AM laughter.

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  • http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/ Joan Price

    Great review, Epiphora! I also tried the Intensity and decided not to review it because the electrical stimulation just hurt, nothing to do with orgasms. When I read other (positive) reviews and discussed my experience with the Intensity folks, I decided it was just wrong for my body and I couldn’t give it a fair or useful review. But maybe I jumped too quickly into don’t-review status.

    I love your review, and the variety of comments show (we knew this, of course) that our mileage may vary.

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  • Trina

    oh god, my eyes are welling with tears, you are so damn funny… it pokes my clit in surround sound”??? BAHAHAHAHA.. woooo.. hehehe, surround sound.. titter giggle laugh..

    Thanks!!

  • Chad

    Almost pulled the trigger on this before I found your review. Thanks for saving me from another bad decision. I’ll have to try harder to convince her to use her Luna beads.

  • Olive O’Sudden

    I just tried this for the first time and I agree with you completely. I wasn’t expecting much in the way of orgasms from this, and I was not disappointed: The shape is wrong, the rabbit bit is annoying, the vibration is uninteresting, the handle is rather too long to manipulate easily. I have zero troubles with orgasms; I bought this primarily so I could tighten up the PC muscles without effort. I would much prefer if this were just a PC-stim item consisting of just the short end of the shaft that I could insert and use while sitting up and typing. The other thing is that I have a very sensitive cervix, so I have to keep the insertion shallow, otherwise the electric pulses are painful, as they are if the shaft isn’t inserted deep enough (I did have a small orgasm whilst using it and I tend to push items out of my vagina during orgasm, so I did feel the electro-pulse at the entrance of my vagina, which was not pleasant).

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  • TJtheMadHatter

    Turned upside down it reminds me of a space gun, or a curling iron. I love your reviews because I can read them, and laugh while saying, “Fuck That Noise” in regards to the toy at hand. And that’s what this review had me doing.

  • Ian Smith

    “in case you keep a pet slug in your vagina” oh my god i love you. Lauren

  • shels

    Oh, yes, what everyone said about how flipping funny you are. I was already cracking up, but when I got to the balls being “under your vagina’s control,” I just lost it.

    If it doesn’t work as a sex toy, at least we can be amused!

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