Feb 202012
 

[Update: The Kiki sucks, but the Ako doesn't. 1 AAA makes all the difference.]

I was going to ignore PicoBong altogether. Although I was initially drawn to the brand because, well, LELO invented it and some of the toys come in turquoise, I quickly found out that some of the toys were about as stimulating as rubbing a rock on your genitals. Besides, I give the side eye to anything that takes a mere one AAA.

But a rep from PicoBong emailed me, and despite my prediction that I’d hate anything in the entire line, they sent me the Kiki. Which is good, I guess, because y’all deserve to know just how much of a waste of time this toy is.

The Kiki is really weak. If not for that disturbing iPhone app (which probably shouldn’t count), it would be the weakest vibrator I’ve tried in quite a while. Watch battery bullets are stronger. Kiki’s feeble, buzzy vibrations are buried so deep within the toy that they barely feel like anything when the toy is held against my clit. It’s paltry. It’s sad. It’s… precisely what I expected.

The rep told me that PicoBong toys are geared toward people who have “not yet mastered the art of self-loving.” And sex toy apologists tend to veil the truth by saying Kiki is “great for warm-up” or “good for beginners.”

All of this is patently FALSE. You know what’s actually great for warm-up and good for beginners? Other vibrators that will actually get you off. It’s more than a little insulting to assume that beginners require only the faintest of vibrations. They need to have an orgasm, not feel a very slight tingle between their legs. And don’t listen to the reviewers that spout sugar-coated nonsense; they are grasping at straws, plain and simple.

I cannot write a positive review of Kiki because the good things about it (shape, color… uh… maybe those are the only things) are wholly overshadowed by the shitty things about it. Like, it has 12 vibration patterns, apparently. That’s nice. I can barely feel them.

This is not to mention all the absurd and infuriating marketing strategies PicoBong has employed. Such as naming their company PicoBong.

Laura: wtf is a Picobong
Laura: why did they choose that name
Laura: I keep picturing a 1:16 scale pot-smoking device

And of course, the godawful “C-Spot” thing. PicoBong has made much ado about the fact that the brand is for hip, inexperienced youngins. In keeping with this, or something, they continually call the clitoris the “C-Spot.” Jesus fucking christ. Cosmo and Oprah do a good enough job forcing disgusting lingo into the American vernacular without your help, PicoBong. PLEASE. What did the word “clitoris” ever do to you?

The PicoBong Kiki is 100 times more irritating when you consider its ridiculous price tag of $39. What the fuck am I paying for? No. Don’t even swindle me like that. Because rather than including a storage bag or battery, PicoBong thought it a better use of their resources to produce a six-sided die with silhouettes of their toys on it. Yeah, that’s not pretentious or anything.

Anyway, the LELO Mia is a few bucks more, and it’s USB-rechargeable and much stronger. Awkward that I’m recommending a toy from virtually the same company, but there you have it. Further, I can almost guarantee you that any inexpensive bullet that takes 2+ AAs (such as the Babeland Silver Bullet or Superbullet) is gonna be stronger than the Kiki.

Other gems in the PicoBong line include a harmful butt plug with buttons ON THE INSERTABLE PART, an insertable egg with buttons ON THE INSERTABLE PART, a painful C-shaped vibe, and a terrifying looking cock ring.

What a sad state of affairs. I get the nagging feeling that PicoBong spent a lot more time on marketing than they did on making quality products. Maybe, instead of hiring a video game designer to create a shitty Pac-Man knock-off on their site, they should’ve paid some people to give feedback on their toys. Now, it feels far too late.

Update! Some PicoBong toys are actually not worthless.
The secret is to get one that takes 2 AAAs. I’m a fan of the Moka and Ako.

  • http://www.dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    Lelo needs to stop riding the coattails of their flagship line and GET THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR ASSES. Clearly, Lelo is very limber, because their heads are so far up their collective asses that fear it will require surgery to extract them.

    With the exception of the Picobong horror, every successive generation of Lelo has gotten more expensive. And starting with Insignia, weaker and more annoying.

    Who is their test market? Do they have a test market? Are there any humans there, at all?

    Regrettably I’m getting their re-worked cock-ring …someday. Because yeah, I’m totally a cock-ring kinda girl. I think they’re just asking for negative reviews at this point. And no, my “fixed” SenseMotion remote hasn’t arrived yet.

  • http://www.kiraskink.com Kira

    Ugh. PicoBong. What a waste of silicone, plastic, and manpower this line is. I have the Honi (you know, with the buttons on the insertable part). Literally forgot it was inside me the vibrations were so weak. The whole “C-spot” thing is as irritating as the products themselves.

    “Those who have not yet mastered the art of self loving”? Well they won’t get any further in the process with these, will they?

    Now worked up again thinking about this ridiculous line.

  • http://cand86.tumblr.com Cand86

     

    And sex toy apologists tend to veil the truth by saying it’s “great for warm-up” or “good for beginners.” All of this is patently FALSE. You know what’s actually great for warm-up and good for beginners? Other vibrators that will actually get you off. It’s more than a little insulting to assume that beginners require only the faintest of vibrations. They need to have an orgasm, not feel a very slight tingle between their legs.

    I have nothing to say other than “YES!”.

  • http://thesensualscholar.blogspot.com BashfulBabe

    I saw someone reviewing the Tano who said that sandpaper would fix the sharp parts that were causing stabbing pains in his rectum. No foolin’ sandpaper.

    It’s one thing to recommend lube to help out with a very large/textured/friction-y toy; It’s another to tell them to nip down B&Q and get the sander out! These are “luxury toys,” not a bloody miniatures kit from the local hobby store!

  • http://www.ScarlettSeraph.com ScarlettSeraph

    Awesome. Just awesome. I have Mahana, and it SUCKS. It hurts, it doesn’t work, it’s hard to clean… and you can’t fucking feel the vibrations. I also have the Obsession bullet and cannot recommend it enough. If you want a reasonably priced bullet, that’s where you should be headed. Anyone who would like to, can find the review on my site, or just go buy the damn thing through Epiphora’s above link.

    Picobong can suck it.

  • Navigator

    I feel fucking honored that you linked to my Koa review and very glad that you gave this thing the breakdown it deserves. I have felt N-cell bullets stronger than this waste of resources.

    I remember the toys coming with a one-year warranty, but it hardly makes sense to include that when you can barely tell if the toy is on to begin with. Jesus, did they test these on actual humans before they released them?

  • http://www.bzzingbee.com Bzzingbee

    Ugh. They really should just pull this line and start from scratch.

  • Insane Hussein

    YES THANK GOD! I couldn’t believe the Kiki sucked that badly when I got it. My second reviewer, ShortNSexy and her boyfriend couldn’t stand the Koa. Awful stuff.

  • Pos

    GOD C-SPOT WHYYYYYY? Clearly the best way to help people explore “self-loving” is to suggest that the clitoris is too obscene to name directly AND THEN to suggest that their awful unnameable bodies shouldn’t be too stimulated, lest they have… an O-event.

  • the bedroom blogger

    I’m fond of the term “sex toy apologists”.

    This line of toys, though… fuck this shit.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @the bedroom blogger: Glad you like it. I’m pretty fond of it myself.

  • Dolly

    We sell this at the store I work at, and people FLOCK to it. At $69 a pop. It’s disappointing because they are cute and the colors are so nice. But it’s true they have no power.

  • http://theworldaccordingtowoman.wordpress.com Woman

    I’ve seen these around the toys shops and it shocks me that Lelo would be associated with this line of terrible toys. I wonder if they are embarrassed about this line???

    I almost get the feeling that Lelo might have peaked as a sex toy manufacturer.

    Thank you for sharing this!

  • LinVenatoria

    I’m flattered that you link my tweets everytime my toys do something freaky. XD

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com nilla

    OMG I love you.

    Like, seriously? I love you.

    Funny, clearcut, to the point…Thank you for helping budget challenged people like me make wise choices. That would piss me the holy fuck off to buy a vibe that didn’t, really. Vibe, I mean.

    Like newbies don’t want to feel anything on their clits? uh. no. That wasn’t my goal when I started out.

    Maybe they’re making them for smurfs?

    Thanks, Epiphora. You are the best reviewer ever!!!

    nilla

  • http://www.redsneakerdiaries.com Red

    I gotta be honest, I played that pac man game for a good hour the first time I saw it…

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  • http://troublenmischief.blogspot.com Trouble

    I received the Picobong Koa cock ring in a blog giveaway and I have to say… I would never actually use it as a cock ring (on a human or on toys) just because I don’t trust it. I’ve never had a toy take me so long to even find the ‘+’ and ‘-’ buttons on it, even AFTER reading the manual, but I think it took me about twenty minutes. And then it wasn’t even worth the effort of finding the on/off buttons.

    Hell, I say I wouldn’t use it as a cock ring, but I don’t even bother using it as a fricking vibrator. I’d rather use a one speed $3 bullet.

    Just… no. All of this Picobong line says no.

  • http://barenakedlady.wordpress.com Jilly

    I came *THIS* close to getting this for my birthday. Needless to say, I am very grateful that I didn’t. On a sidenote, I am getting the Lelo Ella in the mail next week. Because sometimes, they do it right, you know.

    Also: C-SPOT? What in the fucking fuck is wrong with “clitoris”?

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  • http://twitter.com/maggiemunkee Maggie Deegan

    i went to a sex toy party to support a friend. they sold almost exclusively jelly toys, and used the words c-spot, innie, and outie. i am pretty sure they have since gone out of business. perhaps because they were ridiculous and awful.

    lelo, i have to wonder who is in charge over there. i seem to read more bad reviews lately (picobong excluded because, let’s face it, they’re all bad reviews) than good. stop it.

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  • Destiny Cat

    ok ok look, the picobong AKO Outie Vibe is actually pretty strong.has 12 vibe modes, and at least 5 intensities, takes 2 AAA, annnnnd the buttons are easily placed to amp up the vibe when used one-handed so i can handle a dong with my other hand.

    this kiki sounds like shit though

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  • Em

    I bought the picobong honi and feel I have been seriously ripped off. The vibrations are so pathetically weak as to make me feel extremely frustrated. I threw it in the bin. How could this get anyone off is beyond me. They are not cheap either. Never buying lelo again

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Don’t write off LELO. Much of their stuff is fine, and sometimes really great (Mona 2, Luna Beads, Ella, Mia 2). Even a few of the PicoBong toys are somewhat redeeming (Moka and Zizo), but yeah, the ones that take one AAA like the Kiki are worthless.

  • Odd

    Weird, I’m a self-proclaimed “beginner” who has never had an orgasm manually, but the highest vibration setting on the kiki is enough to make me come, albeit not multiple times likes my siri could.

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