Feb 062012
 

A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook. We found his promo website, and there were fits of laughter and despair all over Twitter, because, well, look:

The whole site is a condescending, badly-written plea to “girls.” According to all-knowing Jack, our men will leave us solely on the basis of a bad blowjob. That is why we must fork over $47 for his mind-blowing ebook. It is, after all, the only book you need to read this year.

At one point, Jack discovered me and solicited me for a review. I told him he was a douche instead.

Then he started making the rounds again, emailing my friends the same yawn-inducing proposition. Someone got the idea in their head that they were actually going to say yes to him, review the book, and call it out on all its bullshit. Somehow, three more bloggers jumped on board. Then it turned into a fuckin’ game plan in which a new review would be published each day for four straight days, creating a snowball effect of up-yours reviews of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Sugarcunt, Scarlett Seraph, The Bedroom Blogger and Insane Hussein are the bloggers who reviewed Jack’s Blowjob Lessons. These people are my heroes, and they deserve our gratitude. They are brave, honorable souls who sacrificed their sanity so that others would, hopefully, find out the truth when Googling Jack’s abomination. Which is that never, in any universe, should you buy — or agree to review — Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Considering the length of this “book” and the amount of jackassery inside it, each blogger’s review highlights certain points that others do not. Taken together, the reviews represent an epic mockery of every facet of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

The first review published was Insane Hussein’s.

I thought, for sure, there would be something that would show this is just a tasteless joke. But NO! It’s for serious. This dude is straight up, jack-assed serious about his “advice” to “girls”.

. . . the part that really got me was the Public Toilet part. It’s so.. so…. BAD! Public restrooms are disgusting already, so there is no need for me to go give a blowjob in one. I’m not a republican congressman, thank you very much.

Next was The Bedroom Blogger’s review, which includes an Inception-inspired meme and a whole bunch of lovely quotes from the book on topics such as ice cream, feminism, how being a jerk will get you blowjobs, “natural” male dominance, and so much more.

Secondly, Jack is an awful writer. Like…truly horrific. There are a lot of errors in this book. Also, something that annoys the fuck out of me…there are several instances of him saying “I probably should have mentioned this before…” or something along those lines. Dude…you wrote a book. You can edit that shit before you publish it. If you “probably should have mentioned this before”, go back and fucking mention it. You have that power.

. . . But even worse, no matter what question is asked, it’s pretty much the exact same chunk of awful regurgitated over and over again. Oh, and you should do anal.

. . . if you want to give a better blow job, don’t buy this fucking book. Seriously. I’ll fucking stab you.

Then it was Sugarcunt’s turn.

We, two 20somethings having relations with cisgender males, wondered, “Are we supposed to take blowjob advice from a poorly-vectored man with a mullet?”  The answer is the same that it would be if you replaced “blowjob advice” with “candy”: No.

. . . Jack admits that he’s homophobic, sexist, and generally an asshole. (I haven’t even scratched the surface in that list. He’s a bigot in all ways, and this book is one entire cissexist tirade of crap.) He’s actually kind of proud of it. That just makes you want to punch him more.

Sugarcunt’s review also includes a choice quote about “music made by black folks” that must be read to be believed. Do not miss the Jack Hutson Drinking Game she invented, either, and check out the tags at the bottom of the post. They’re incredible.

The final nail in the coffin was Scarlett Seraph’s review, which includes personal info about her male submissive and her former days as a porn star — alongside hardcore debunking of Jack’s “statistics” and “techniques.”

Jack can truly teach you everything you need to know, forget what you learned in school and replace it with this:

  • Math: “slutty plus happy equals — SUPER ORGASM”
  • Phys Ed: “So you’ve got some extra junk in your trunk — go to the gym”
  • Foreign Language: (about the penis) “The shaft is also called “the stick” or fallus in Latin” (Uh, no… no it doesn’t mean that)
  • Statistics: “There are 10 times as many hot girls than great guys”
  • Health: “swallowing (semen) — reduces the chances of getting STD’s (yes, he used the apostrophe) when giving head”

. . . A few more random points, just because

  • You should never tease your man, ever. This is said right at the end of the chapter on how to tease properly.

I love that. I love all these quotes. All of these reviews. Hopefully this will teach Jack to stop indiscriminately emailing bloggers — especially ones that openly state they are feminists.

I repeat, DO NOT buy this ridiculous piece of shit ebook. If you’re looking for guidance on how to give a blowjob, I suggest trusting someone with an actual face (and who isn’t a misogynist). For example, Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex: Fellatio DVD provides both tips and on-screen demonstration, and Violet Blue’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, is $17. WHAT A STEAL!

Or, for $0, you could just ask your partner what they like.

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  • http://www.bzzingbee.com Bri

    Such epic calling out of douche-baggery. Well done ladies!!

  • Insane Hussein

    Hahaha yes it was awesome. We win at life, and I’m a cocksucking feminist — fuck what ya heard!

  • http://www.blacksilk.wordpress.com Blacksilk

    All of you guys rock. I wish I could see his big mullety face when he reads these. :)

  • MerePrototype

    Thanks for the laughs all of the links gave me.

    …and for the new Tumblrs to follow.

  • LinToxic

    Lol, eversince you told me to look him up I was like… WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN. Ugh, his website was just so fucking annoying. @_@

    Good job on all those great reviews!

  • Karen Blue

    Awesome! Thanks for sharing this piece and exposing that piece of shit.

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com nilla

    OH, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I got that email too, a while back. Sent it to my spam folder, i think. My very first thought was “who the fuck asked you for advice, shithead”… My Master tells me exactly what He wants, i don’t give Jack Shit about Jacks ideas.

    Bravo to all the brave reviewers who actually read that crappola… they deserve a great round of applause, a dose of penicillin, and a new dildo.

    nilla

  • http://www.shevibe.com Sandra

    I’ve been following the smack down of this tool and it’s been fantastic. You ladies crushed his stupid ass :)

  • LucyLemonade

    omg, I’m so glad I didn’t take him up on his offer. It would have just pissed me off beyond being funny.

  • http://www.ToyChickBlog.com ThatToyChick

    Just the concept of a $47 ebook would have been enough to put me off my feed. You could get Tristan AND Violet’s astronomically more helpful guides PLUS another 1-2 more from established, mullet-eschewing scribes for that price. And maybe a candy bar.

  • Pingback: Review: Jack’s Blowjob Lessons | ScarlettSeraph()

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  • http://barenakedlady.wordpress.com Jilly

    Can I just say that I now have very warm fuzzy feels for all of you? Seriously, epic take down.

    x

  • http://thedailyslut.blogspot.com/ Mme. Spice

    Um, WTF???… I just read all of these reviews. I’m seriously hoping that someone isn’t that stupid. Is it bad that I’m desperately hoping this is a troll gone amok?

  • ladyastolat

    I wanted to hope this was some kind of trolling, but most trolls don’t attach an absurd price tag to their trolling. It limits the reach and effectiveness of their trolling efforts. ><

  • Insane Hussein

    It’s real. It happened. And our reviews were righteous. SMACK DOWN LIKE THE ROCK AND CAN YOU SMELL WHAT WE COOKED???

  • http://ofsexandlove.com Adriana

    A great post for this dreary morning!

  • Rosie

    Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. You saved me $47 and my dignity!! You and the other bloggers are the best! Much love.

  • http://www.ScarlettSeraph.com ScarlettSeraph

    @Rosie:

    This totally makes my day! If we could only save one then it was all worth it!

  • Ashley

    I was actually so delved into this O.O being a girl who is about to be serious with her boyfriend, who hasn’t had any experience I wanted to wow him and show him I love him and his goods. But I came across this and nearly fell for it until 1) he basically said act sluttish, who cares about being lady like and 2) I found this site which furthered my beliefs. He’s not intimate hes a man whore who wants women to act like a bunch of brainwashed beach bunnies. Im 23 years old and went wtf!