Dec 282011
 

[Thankfully, the Lyla is now in its second generation: Lyla 2.]

Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in the vagina and fun on the town (bars! concerts! wherever sexy people go!). Every single other wireless egg ever created has been a horrible failure. But in the capable hands of a high-end company like LELO — makers of the lovely Siri, Luna Beads, and Ella — I expected, at the very least, for it to work as intended.

Not for it to only work when the remote was pointed directly at my vulva like a goddamn TV remote.

On the upside, this bullet has a lovely shape. It’s thin, ergonomic, and slides into my vag easily. On the downside… everything else. Seriously, there are so many components and instructions to this toy that I get depressed just thinking about explaining them.

Lyla has a “new” technology that LELO is calling SenseMotion. Picture a Wii remote that, rather than controlling Sonic the Hedgehog, controls a vibrating bullet. Most of the SenseMotion modes are far too blatant to be used in public; my favorite one is where you have to shake the remote really hard, as if you’re angry with the world — which I often am when using this toy, so that’s easy.

I’ve done a bunch of tests all across the apartment with my boyfriend, and I always end up huffing and puffing, pissed off at how fickle this stupid toy is. Sometimes, with the egg inserted and the retrieval cord stationed at the front of my body, the egg will respond to the remote (delayed, of course) at a range of approximately 12 feet. But if things are not exactly perfect, like if I dare to sit down, the egg will stop vibrating completely.

At least with shitty wireless eggs, when you walked out of range with the remote, the egg would keep buzzing along, blissfully ignorant. This one just stops cold turkey.

When I put the Lyla in my underwear instead of in my vagina, it responds to the remote all the way across our apartment (30 feet or so). I can only conclude that my vaginal walls are thicker than physical walls, which is badass, but holy shit — did anyone at LELO put this in their vagina? Anyone?

This is even more disturbing knowing that the Tiani has the same problem — and that’s a toy that has to be worn internally.

I know what you’re thinking. “You don’t have to insert it, ‘Piph!” Yeah, yeah, but I wanted to insert it. I wanted it to be the first ever actually good wireless egg that I could recommend to people who email me. It’s no secret this thing is meant to be inserted: it has a retrieval cord and the manual encourages internal use.

Even if I wanted to play with the Lyla, you know what stops me every time? The prep. I have to charge the egg, find AAAs that aren’t dead, put the AAAs in the remote and deal with the stupid backplate/key (SUPER ANNOYING), then remember how the fuck to control the thing, and/or dig in my drawers to find the manual, and finally relay those instructions to my boyfriend. Sorry, but I’m just not willing to work that hard. As AAG wrote,

I appreciate a vibrator that’s like a good book — intriguing, engaging, powerful, moving, with hidden depths that become more apparent with each use. Lyla is not that book. Instead it is an untranslated Russian novel which is so complex, so convoluted, and so utterly inaccessible that you end up using it as a fucking doorstop because the very idea of dragging out the goddamn dictionary for such a comparatively small payout is just too painful to bear.

Listen, I’m a simple woman with simple tastes. My vibrator needs to turn on, turn up, get me off, and then go away. I don’t want batteries and rechargers and fancy boxes and plastic inserts and storage bags and motherfucking stupid fucking plastic opening keys.

Yes, Lyla could be used with a partner as a clitoral toy. But unless your fetish involves having your partner stand across the room from you, guess what also can be used with a partner as a clitoral toy? A $30 wired bullet with intuitive controls, vibration patterns up the wazoo, and corresponding lights that mimic the patterns. No, the control pack doesn’t vibrate or respond to flicks of the wrist, but it’s a lot easier to use and costs $110 less.

Oh yeah. Lyla costs $140. It should do what I say. But it doesn’t. SenseMotion may be fun the first couple times you play with it, but then the novelty wears off and you’re stuck with an unpredictable toy that causes headaches, not orgasms. I’m sorry, friends, but if you want a remote-controlled egg and you want it to be awesome, you’re still shit outta luck.

Because this is not even remotely good.

Pun fucking intended.

[Update: LELO has updated their SenseMotion remotes, and the reception is vastly improved.
The second-generation Lyla 2 should be better in that regard.]

  • http://www.dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    I could be wrong (because I’m using logic here and it seems that LELO stopped using logic after their second round of toys) but I believe that the portion of Tiani that houses the “receiver” is actually the portion that is outside your body. The internal arm’s only purpose is to keep it in place, hugging your vulva and clit (which that doesn’t happen, either). I twisted and prodded that internal arm. I covered it up and left the external portion unhindered and it still worked.

    But yes. Walls, good. Flesh, bad.
    Whiskey Tango FOXTROT, Lelo!!!!!!

  • http://www.kateanon.com kateanon

    I had such high hopes for this, given my love of LELO. I’m so crushed to read all these bad reviews, I can only hope they revamp it for the better.

  • Dolly

    I get less and less impressed with Lelo’s products as time goes by and they keep adding more to their collection… The original toys were and still are great, the first Insignia toys failed to impress me, and now the Lyla/Oden/Tiani make me irate. I hate the remote too, and noticed the vibrations stopped working when you turn their remotes upside down? Did you notice that too? I work in an adult shop in Canada and got randomly picked for the Tiani in a christmas gift draw, and now it’s just lying in the box under my dresser. I’ll never use it!

  • http://www.namelesschaos.com namelesschaos

    You know I once referred to the Picobong toys as where Lelo proper sends their half baked ideas. Since it is become increasingly clear that Lelo proper toys aren’t fully baked anymore my disappointment in their Picobong line is making even more sense (which I guess would now have to be referred to as only quarter-baked ideas).

    Please Lelo, stop putting random shit in with the toys and actually make a good toy.

  • http://askgarnet.com Garnet Joyce

    “Not for it to only work when the remote was pointed directly at my vulva like a goddamn TV remote.”

    Dude I can totally bounce that signal off the walls and it still changes the channels. TV remotes are better.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Dolly: I didn’t notice that, but I’d rather take your word for it than haul out my toy again to try it. :)

    @Garnet Joyce: GOOD POINT.

  • http://karasutra.blog.com Kara_Sutra

    With the amazing products they’ve created (Ella, Luna Beads and Ina – with or without the flexible clitoral arm) you’d think they’d have the know how to keep hitting it out of the park… instead it seems like they’re continually dropping the ball. (no pun intended, I think). It honestly makes me wonder if there’s been a change in ‘management’.

    I wish they’d just focus their energy on going back to what they’re known for, rather than trying to create something ‘new’. None of this shit is really new anyways, it’s just a rehashed version of something that already exists with some crappy handy-dandy remotes thrown in. *sigh*

    Once again you’ve left me very happy to have not agreed to review a product. Thanks!

  • http://www.screaming-violet.com Violet

    I’m surprised to hear that you got it to work at all internally – If I dare to close my legs with the Tiani it cuts out. The signal is pathetic and according to a friend who is an electrical engineer the issue is one they could have easily fixed.

    I swear they never even bothered to test them, it’s such a major fault that I can’t believe they sent them to market.

    By far the biggest disappointing sex toy of the year.

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com nilla

    Not only are your review refreshingly honest and sincere (which is so so so appreciated when one has not got tons of free money to spend on shitty products!)…but you are one amazingly funny woman.

    Gods…every review makes me laugh…

    Thanks epiphora…you’re one in a million!

    nilla

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  • Dennis

    From a technical point of view: indeed radio waves travel incredibly bad through flesh or anything that is mostly or completely water. When completely within the body, this will remain a hard thing to tackle for companies while staying within legal regulations.

    We own the Lyla, my partner adores the sensation within her, but indeed the remote stops working mostly when more than 2 feet away… This kills the out of the bedroom fun.

    As an engineer I understand why this happen and apparently forgive the manufacturer, my partner does not.

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  • TJtheMadHatter

    Grrr. I wish I had read this review before getting the Tiani 2. I haven’t tried it yet, and I got it over a month ago. I was excited, I got it all charged up and ready to go…then I turned it on. Weak. Just weak. I almost broke the damn thing with that key thing (I probably would have had better luck with using a quarter). I honestly don’t get the purpose of it. *sigh* Your review made me laugh though. Especially the part about having to point it at your vag like a tv remote. Not because of the pointing, but because of the scowl that usually goes with a failing tv remote. I think it’s bad ass your vaginal walls are thicker than physical walls. You should you list that as one of your super powers. :)