Dec 012011
 

I’m always getting emails from people wanting to advertise their shit on my site. Only, they never want to pay to advertise it. In fact, they present it to me like I should feel privileged to host their “informative” (product-peddling) articles. My readers want to read them, they say! It will be “targeted content”!

Well, sometimes. This amazing email was sent to my Who.is privacy email address, which means the author probably noticed that my site has a decent rank and emailed me without ever visiting my site. At least I hope so, because:

Hi,

I’d like to start by saying, I really like your site heyepiphora.com — Its great!

I was wondering if I could contribute a high quality, unique article about decorating a kid’s bedroom to heyepiphora.com in exchange for a link to my site, bunkbeds.net, within the article. I can also write about something of your choosing if you prefer.

If that is not something that interests you, I am also willing to make a one time Paypal donation in exchange for a few lines of text about bunk beds and a link back to my site.

Please let me know if we can work something out for either option.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Thanks,
Rob

It was immediately clear to me that this was a golden opportunity. Channeling AAG to the nth power, I sat down and brainstormed a bit with Sugarcunt. In between giggling fits, I wrote:

Hi Rob,

Thank you for contacting me! If you would like to write about a subject that pertains to my site, that’d be fantastic! I’ve actually been wanting to write my own article about innovative uses for sex toys in decorating and furnishing a child’s bedroom. I know that’s pretty broad, so here are some more specific topics off the top of my head:

  • Homemade modern art pieces made with melted-down jelly dildos. For the girl child, glittery dildos could be used. For boys, cock rings could be hung on the wall in asymmetrical patterns, for a touch of whimsy.
  • Wall sconces re-purposed with butt plugs. The key here would be not to cross the line into too sultry.
  • Rug created from pocket pussies and Fleshlight sleeves. Sleeves could be cut into strips and woven together. Of course, the rug would need to be powdered periodically with cornstarch to ensure maximum softness.
  • Mobile made from particularly floppy dildos, as to create movement. Even realistic dildos would be fine; they could be repainted so as to be child-appropriate.
  • Baby swing fashioned from harnesses. Double-strap style would probably be the most supportive, aside from panty. Ideally the harness would have a pouch for a mini-vibe, which could be used to lull the child to sleep.
  • Really any type of sex toy could be mounted on the wall as part of a charming shadowbox. Go wild with this one.

I can’t really think of any ways that bed coverings could be revamped using sex toys, but perhaps you can. Feel free to run with any of these ideas. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

Best,
Epiphora

Sadly, I never got a reply.


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  • DawnDebauchery

    And THIS is exactly why I love you.

    Not only was this an incredibly witty response, but it was super crafty, too. I wouldn’t be surprised to see some of those things end up on Etsy, and eventually Regretsy.

  • http://nakedconfusion.com Silverdreams

    This made me laugh hysterically!

  • Juliettia

    I’m looking for a mobile for the nursery, maybe I can commission you ;)

  • http://karasutra.blog.com Kara_Sutra

    You. Are. My. New. Hero. *bursts into a fit of giggles*

  • http://www.buzzonvibes.com/ buzzvibe

    Splendid. Best laugh I’ve had all week!

  • Pixel

    Oh gods. I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself.

    You, madam, rock.

  • Insane Hussein

    Bed Covering = Liberator Throe (regular or plush).

    LOVE. THIS.

  • Valentijn

    I literally fell from my chair laughing out loud. Thank you, you made my year. Fucking epic! And those details, like the wall sconces — ROFL!

  • Navigator

    And this is why I keep telling people you’re brilliant.

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com nilla

    OMFG…

    (and i had to retype that three times, coz i was laughing so hard…)

    woo… that was the best thing i’ve read all day… thanks for the giant giggle fits…

    Bravo!

  • Parnisaurus_Rex

    YESSS. This just made my entire week! Epiphora-1, Product Peddlers-0. LMAO!

  • Caroline

    LOVE THIS POST.

    I immediately sent this to the boyfriend and a few other friends. Hilarious!

  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    Love it!

  • Teagan Shepard

    bahahahaha! love this! lol this is great. seriously. love it. so much!