May 072010

Sex toy party! Illustration by Bleached Whale

My mom is having a sex toy party.

I knew the moment I read the email that I wanted to go. I poked around the company’s website, relieved to find their store not completely dependent on shitty jelly toys. Then I tweeted. “My mom does not know I review,” I wrote, “so I will have to pretend I know nothing. It may be very difficult, but I still want to go.” I was surprised that this lead to several tweets urging me to tell her.

maybe it would serve as a good opportunity to come out to her?

Tell her. You might be surprised. My mom tests some things for me once in a while :)

Maybe the party is the time to tell her you review?

I know these things were all said with the best of intentions, but I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to prod me about “coming out” to anyone. You are not me; you do not know my situation; and most importantly, you don’t know my parents. It’s one thing to say “mom and dad, I’m down with sex toys” (which I will be saying well enough with my presence at the party) — it’s another to say, “mom and dad, I run a public blog where I frequently post personal descriptions of using sex toys and watching porn.”

I know what will happen when I tell my mom: she’ll want to read the blog. She will pester me for the URL. Who knows — she might even go searching for it. And the knowledge of her reading this could really, really damage my desire to keep writing, and my love for this blog. I’m just not comfortable with her reading it (and no, telling her that would not be enough to keep her from snooping).

And I’m especially not comfortable with my dad knowing. My dad will start worrying about me. Worrying that I could amass creepy fans, be harassed. I don’t want him to worry or feel weird.

The way I see it, this sex toy party is not an opportunity for me to “come out.” It’s just an opportunity to feel a little better about eventually, eventually telling my parents, and that’s really good enough for me.

I envy those of you who are “out” to your moms/parents/families. I think it’s awesome, and I would love to one day be completely open with my parents about my blogging. But it’s not the right choice for me right now. I will know when it is.

In the meantime, I’ll be attending this party, biting my tongue, laughing on the inside, and fiddling with the toys with a fake sense of wonderment.

  • Amelia G

    I told my parents the moment I had any project coming out, whether it was adult-oriented or not. There have just been some I asked them not to read. Of course, this piqued their curiosity and they did exactly that. And it did impact my ability to write on certain topics. So I give you a thumbs up for sticking to your guns and doing what is best for your own creative process and not somebody else’s idea of how out you should be.

  • Britni TheVadgeWig

    I’m lucky that my mom doesn’t read, and I appreciate her giving me my privacy. It’s more that she doesn’t want to read about my sex life, and sees it as TMI. Understandably so. I’ve considered making a blog with no sex-related content for my mom to read, because I know she really does want to read my writing. If I can figure out an easy way to do it, I will.

  • aisforalisha

    yes, see i’m in the closet too. my mum knows i do reviews for a specific site because i gave her and her friends a discount code, but for instance, they don’t know about how kinky i am.. they don’t know about the whips and floggers and choking and all that.. and one of the reasons i’m stifled a lot in my life is that i can’t be true to myself.. i keep hiding.

    i’m not saying this is you at all.. you have a different life. i’m just saying i can totally relate to just not wanting to get into it all and also, having nosy parents where when you give an inch, they’ll take 3948574 miles.. :P

  • Ashley Avard

    I totally understand; my mom knows that I’m into sex toys and respects my privacy enough to let a lone package outside the house unopened until I get to it; she even responds positively when I tell her I win contests. And I know that she would even respect my privacy enough to not read anything I didn’t want her to read online (her lack of an online presence is a hardcore peace of mind). BUT I know other parents who would be 1. snoopy about the situation 2. flip their shit about it or 3. any combination of bad, do-not-want reactions. I think that if I had a blog like this, that was pretty well known amongst the sex-blogging community and pretty much entirely devoted to sex toys and porn reviewing I’d be way more cautious with what I tell my parents. So go you; you come out when you’re damn ready.

  • Missy

    I have told my mom I am writing reviews. I didn’t tell her what exactly the reviews were about.

    All she had to say was that I don’t have time for that and should be doing other things. Ok mom , whatever you say. I guess I should just clean all day and not do anything I actually enjoy ?

    I have told one Aunt that I do reviews for sex toys , but that is because we are starting plans for her daughters bachelorette party and I will be helping sponsor it though reviews :)

    Been thinking about having one of those parties , but my house isn’t big enough to have a bunch of guests at once !

  • Gardenvy

    Totally understandable… my moms pretty chill, so is my dad really… but I just don’t want them to read about how this is my new squirting toy or whatever other shi+ I would write.

  • Kayla

    I feel the same way you do. if I told, I know my parents would go looking. And the fact that they *might* be reading it is enough for me to want to completely seal up writing about anything about the use of sex toys or about Jor and I. I wish I could tell her sometimes, but it just makes me more nervous than it’s worth.

  • sophie2229

    What are you going to do when they break out the jelly? And not the kind that goes on toast.

  • Epiphora

    @sophie2229: Absolutely nothing.

  • Backseat Boohoo

    My parents know that I get things and write reviews. They do not know that I maintain a blog, post HNTs, or do video reviews. And they make it a point to avoid seeing my stuff at all costs; my dad awkwardly refers to my Liberator stuff as the “sex pillow” and “sex mattress” because they can’t be hidden and it’s easiest for him to just make it a joke. My parents respect that I’m an adult, but that doesn’t mean I should disclose my whole life to them, and honestly, they’re more comfortably with me keeping certain things to myself.

  • Beautiful Dreamer

    My parents know I review. BUT I realize I probably am the exception. We’ve always been a very open family, yet they totally respect my privacy and I know they’d never ask (or want to ask) to see my website. I respect for your decision, as you said, we don’t all know your personal situation.
    Either way, I hope you have a blast at the party. And good luck keeping your mouth shut when they whip out a giant jelly cock. :-p

  • Cooper

    This is something we’ve been dealing with ever since we began our site. We write and review under pseudonyms, because not only are we detailing how we use toys, but also details about our life as swingers. It’s a conscious decision (and Herculean effort) to keep our two worlds as separate as can be…

    And as someone who’s been told by other “out” people: “Who cares?” I’ll reiterate your comments, they’re not us. We’ve told most of our friends (even lost a couple because of it), but when it comes to family, we’re staying firmly in the swinger closet.

  • Selective Sensualist

    I can’t blame you for wanting to be able to discuss your sex life without your mom’s snooping! Totally understandable, hon. I can see how knowing she reads what you write could hamper your style and even your desire to write.

  • namelesschaos

    “I envy those of you who are “out” to your moms/parents/families. I think it’s awesome, and I would love to one day be completely open with my parents about my blogging.”

    I wish i could be open with my mom but it never going to happen because my mom is
    1) a very conservative catholic that made me write this post:
    2) Apprenitly out of her mind: she is positivity convinced I have a fake bust in my room, problem is I own no such toy or anything that even resemble a fake pair of tits.
    3) She doesn’t get the internet I’ve explained various times where the boxes and affiliate checks are coming from (with out mentioning it involves sex toys)…long story short she doesn’t get it.

    Actually looking back on these it more of a case of I’ve tried to come “out”; my mother just lacks the ability to comprehend what I’m telling her.

  • Sarah Marlatt

    Good idea. My mom stalks me regularly. So does my sister. I don’t give a shit about either, but it’s hard being honest about my fantasies and fetishes on my blog when I’m not sure when the next time they’re going to read it is.

  • Oddkin

    My mother probably knows I have sex toys. I once couldn’t contain my joy at finding REALLY FUCKING CHEAP NobEssence swag, so I told her that I found a really cheap deal on ‘wooden sculptures’. Thing is, I couldn’t help blushing thinking to myself “yeah right, sculptures,” and she could totally tell. Kept poking until she asked if it was a rabbit, to which I replied: “similar product, yeah.”

    She’s fine with it, but I would totally not be comfortable discussing the fine details of what I own and how I use them, so I get the difference, even though I don’t blog or review myself.