Randy Field Diary, Day #1 — Arrival
My pussy is not ready for the brown beast they classify as “Randy.” I’m quite sure of this, pulling its plastic storage tube from the packing peanuts. I don’t own any specimens that even come close to Randy’s girth of 2 3/16″ in diameter. Even with a frugal length of 6″, this is truly an enormous dildo.
My Randy’s silicone is of the VixSkin formulation, so it’s incredibly soft and succulent to the touch, with a firm inner core. The coloration is “chocolate,” a deeper color than my camera is able to capture, although it also comes in “caramel” and “vanilla” (despite these names, I do not think Randy is meant for consumption). I am amused by squeezing and fondling it. Today, that is all I’m willing to do.
Randy Field Diary, Day #2 — Pain
But then the day of reckoning comes. It’s not that I’m scared… okay, yeah, I am. Terrified, actually. And my terror is not unfounded, as I quickly find that even with much warm-up, Randy must be forced into my vagina. And holy crap, it hurts. It hurts badly. The pressure of Randy’s head against my pubic bone is immense, unbearable. The showdown ends before it really begins, with my body pushing Randy away, and my vagina crying to itself.
I feel, suddenly, like I’ve regressed into the Epiphora of yore… the Epiphora who had to clench her teeth and admit that a toy was just too big. Will I be forced to write another not-helpful-at-all review? I refuse to let this happen. Will try again tomorrow.
Randy Field Diary, Day #3 — Breakthrough
At least I’m ready for the pain this time, so I’m not surprised when shoving Randy’s hugeness into myself hurts like a motherfucker. That same pressure on my pubic bone, that same sensation of my body wanting to expel the dildo. But I will not let Randy win, so I take some deep breaths and wait it out.
Slowly, the pain begins to dissolve. I start to feel pressure on my G-spot, and Randy’s enormity begins to feel… yes, pleasurable! With the Eroscillator on my clit, I build up to an orgasm. As I come, I lose control completely — and without warning, Randy shoots out of me, and I squirt onto the floor. How did this happen, with Randy merely inhabiting my vagina, not thrusting against my G-spot? I am baffled, but I also don’t care.
Randy Field Diary, Day #4 — Obsession
As I continue to play and squirt with Randy, I realize I’m becoming obsessed. I start to crave the head-falling-back-in-bliss moment at which Randy causes only pleasure, and no pain. I crave the sensation so badly that I fear I may hurt myself by not properly building up to Randy’s size. But the pain lessens with each passing day, replaced more and more by a glorious, intense fullness that surpasses all other sensations of fullness I’ve ever experienced. I’m especially grateful for Randy’s chunky base, which allows me to grip and thrust easily.
And it is on this day that I begin anthropomorphizing Randy. Normally, I never do this. I consider it unprofessional, plebeian. But there is something about Randy that urges me to call him him.
Randy Field Diary, Day #5 — Near-Death Experience
Well, full-fledged addiction has set in. I never want to remove Randy from my vagina. Thrusting, and feeling Randy’s head stroke my G-spot, is nothing short of sublime. Today I have three orgasms in one sitting, all of them with Randy inside of me. Afterward, I can barely breathe, move, or think.
Will any masturbation session will feel complete without Randy flying out of me as I come? Probably not.
This is some of the most intense research I have ever conducted, but some of the most rewarding. I can conclusively say that Randy is a perfect specimen, as delicious in use as he feels when squeezed. When I began, Randy was a thing to be feared and gawked at from afar. Now, I can’t imagine life without the brown beast.
Thank you, Vixen Creations!
Don't miss a post! Subscribe to Hey Epiphora 
January 9th, 2010 at 11:41 am
LOL love this. Also now have images of projectile dildos. New fetish porn, perhaps?
January 9th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Great job. I honestly thought it was going to be something about chocolate from the Twitter title.
January 9th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
kudos on your perseverance!! I am less inclined to conquer such fears of girth. I am daunted. You win!
January 9th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
You and your vagina continue to be an inspiration to us all. Kudos, E! And happy new year.
January 9th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
wow. for some reason i pictured the dildo in a bow tie, with you holding his “hand” and going on a date… ha!
great review
January 9th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
@Wilhelmina: I’d say it was a little more vulgar than that, heh.
January 9th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Anything that makes you feel like OMG OOH GUH UNF and do ALL THAT SQUIRTING LIKE WOAH should surely have a much sexier name for you to moan aloud than “Randy.”
Just sayin’.
January 9th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
@Jaye of The Shiny Purple Ass-Missile: Yeah, Randy is a somewhat off-putting name. I’ve warmed up to it, though, and kind of like it in some awkward way.
January 9th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
I’m not a fan of large girth because it tends to be more of a hinderer than a helper, but this appears to be a special case. Certainly worth a try! Kudos to your dedication.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
We ‘aim’ to please!
February 28th, 2010 at 11:07 am
You know what, simply reading this review makes me want to abandon the PC and the TV – relaxing after work this weekend – and go grab my favourite dildo and clit toy and have a go at it. I know what you mean about the pressure on the G-spot that you get without even thrusting the dildo. It’s just insane. GUH. Now I want a ‘Randy’ too, LOL.
May 1st, 2010 at 8:37 am
I’ve been drooling over this one, in green, for ever. I held off on getting it because I hadn’t worked up to the girth yet… I was heartbroken to discover that it was discontinued. I’m not as thrilled with the other colors, but I may have to change my mind. Because this? Sounds like it’s made of win.
May 1st, 2010 at 9:08 am
Your ability to take this entire dildo by yourself impresses me to no end. I need tons of warm-up and a partner. On my own it just isn’t happening. However I’m not as obsessive as you, so I probably give up easier than you do.
May 1st, 2010 at 10:12 am
Steve Irwin would be very proud.
May 1st, 2010 at 10:43 am
My moose is a total size queen, and after reading this, I know I have to somehow get this for her! Nice diary.
May 1st, 2010 at 11:02 am
The Randy continues to scare my vagina. I still can’t even use the Candy Stick without some warmup. But of course, then it feels really good and full so maybe one day my vagina will be okay with BIGGER toys.
I love the way this review is formatted; I love anything that is like a log or diary entry, it’s such a good way to show the chronological progression of something and it also makes anything seem truly fucking epic (which this IS). This review is full of win.
May 1st, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Kudos to you. I’m a veryveryveryvery long way away from using anythign like that. I would break in two!
May 1st, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Randy is pretty much the best thing to happen to my vagina so far. Although he has made me think I’m a cavernous pit because I only need around 5-10 minutes of warm-up.
May 1st, 2010 at 3:40 pm
aaand still intimidated. loving the field notes format though, don’t think i mentioned that but it was a fun read.
May 1st, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Love the format. I have been looking at this as my next step up in terms of girth (the biggest I’ve taken so far is 2” in diameter). I’ll probably be getting it in the relatively near future too as I’ve won a couple of 30% off coupons for Eden’s, although I could just buy-out a review this way if my eyes have gotten too big for my ass I won’t have to admit it publicly lol.
May 1st, 2010 at 7:01 pm
I’m awed, inspired, and terrified! *Applauds* Congratulations, I never though I could feel that many emotions simultaneously. The biggest dildo I own is Lucky by Happy Valley, and he is an intimidating 1 3/4″. Yes, I said intimidating, because my vagina is used to toys that are small. 1 1/4″ is comfortable. 1 1/2″ is stretching it. Lucky is like “Oh my god I think my vagina is going to implode!” You are a brave woman. I admit, I’m now officially frightened of you vagina. Kudos! ^_^
May 1st, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I think your experiences with Randy will be similar to mine once I finally get him in my clutches and never let him go. There will be blood, sweat and tears shed over his size, but when I conquer him…I shall be invincible!
RIP Chocolate Randy, ye shall be missedeth. I cannot wait for more pictures of the much lusted after GREEN Randy. I am sure he shall enhance your pleasure even further!
May 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
The size of Randy is terrifying to me, but reading your review makes me want to try it. Although, I think you have more perseverance than I do. Maybe you’re anthropomorphizing him because you had to get to know him over several sessions before he was really pleasurable.
May 3rd, 2010 at 4:26 am
Randy is friggin’ enormous. Huge. HAHA! But I loved how you said that they’re not edible! So many people have said things about the vanilla, caramel, and chocolate references, it’s hilarious. “So…we can eat it?”
May 3rd, 2010 at 7:34 am
did it hurt at all when the randy shot out?
May 3rd, 2010 at 2:46 pm
@earthquakepixie: Nah. I was used to the sensation of hugeness by then, and I was in the middle of glorious squirting.
May 4th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I read this review back when it was originally posted and it made an impression then, as it does again on second reading. I would so totally try this baby on for size. Although, not normally a size queen, there are definitely times where I just want MORE. This would so fit those times. Bring it.
May 5th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Seems too big to me. Just too big!
May 8th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Hahaha, I liked how you wrote your review as a diary. With a toy large like Randy, you sure need to take steps in order to get it all in. The thing is HUGE!!! Seriously, I don’t think I’m ready for something like that anytime soon.
May 8th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Thank you for going through that for us! The Randy sounds incredible but way too much for me. I’m a virgin who has to work to get a Jack Rabbit in! I feel like I’d have to upgrade to a toy file cabinet instead of just a little box if I owned this one.
May 8th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
Can you tell me how the size and feel of Randy compares to Jollies Jollet? The Jollet was painful at first too, and I can’t say I love it, but I’m thinking I could handle Randy. And the fact the Randy is thrustable makes him so much more attractive.
Now I’m very curious. My budget hates you, by the way.
May 9th, 2010 at 1:55 am
@JenB: It’s a similar pain, but the Jollet’s is much more short-lived. Once the Jollet is all the way inside me, I don’t feel pain anymore, whereas Randy will just hurt no matter what, if I’m not properly warmed up. But both are definitely a pain related to the pubic bone.
May 9th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Wow…definitely thought-provoking. As a virgin (who’s small inside to boot) who’s never worked with a dildo larger than 1 1/4″ in girth, I’ve been intimidated by the thickness of lots of the VixSkin dildos when I see them. At the same time, in the heat of the moment, sometimes I have fleeting thoughts of needing a little more girth. Plus, as a gal who loves and craves men, I want to be ready to enjoy hot and thrilling intercourse with my ideal guy once I find him, even if he’s on the larger side. So, I’ve been toying with the idea of transitioning up to something bigger, and I found the progression of your time with Randy very instructive and intriguing. Don’t think I’ll be ready for 2 3/16″ any time soon, but it’s good to know that it can feel good with time and practice.
May 9th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
This review is so epic. It’s like the Odyssey of sex toy reviews. The Randy is so intriguing. I love sex toys that push one’s limits.
May 9th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I love it when you have journal-type blog posts like this. I’m kinda scared of big toys and this didn’t make me any less scared, but it was fun to read anyway.
May 9th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
That may have me convinced to try the large dildo I’ve been saving up. Now to enlist the dude.
May 9th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I re-read your review for inspiration. Right now I’m still on day 2. I think tomorrow will be the sex toy sabbath otherwise known as the day of rest.
May 10th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
You know, it’s not the girth that scares me as much as the pronounced ridge. I can warm up and take a pretty big cock, but toy manufacturers don’t seem to get that on real circumcised cock, that ridge is usually pretty squishy and won’t grind against your cervix/g-spot.
I wonder if you’ve tried putting Randy on a pillow and sitting on top? For some reason I find I only truly enjoy girth when I’m on top (which is strange, because I almost always hate being on top when having sex with a real cock!)
May 10th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
@EmilyC: I never ride toys; I always use them while sitting at the computer. But I’m not sure riding Randy would work out, anyway, since I prefer to thrust him and he is so stocky that riding would probably be more like jiggling.
May 10th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
The diary style is fun!
I have been really wanting to make the Randy my next dildo, but like you I don’t have a similarly girthy dildo and have been waffling between working up to it gradually or just tackling it head-on. Your review gives me a little more courage for the latter. Thanks!
May 11th, 2010 at 5:55 am
Randy was my ex’s alternate cock when I wanted to really feel filled up. I do remember that sense of “hugeness” indeed. In my case, I’m a big fan of being fisted so 2″ girth didn’t really terrify me, however, you really do need to be ready for it and I was always a bit on the raw side afterward. Maybe someday DPR and I will acquire a Randy for ourselves and I can see if that helps in the squirting department (I’m a tad obsessed, I am).
May 12th, 2010 at 5:37 am
This is the review I first read that got me very interested in getting this dildo…and then I’m afraid I went to the store to see it in person, and I may have chickened out. Reading it again makes me want to take the plunge and get one! After all, isn’t it “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!”
May 12th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Wow… anything that can get a person three orgasms in a sitting is impressive. I think I know someone who should try this toy… Persoanlly, it would be way too big for me.
May 12th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Randy interests me, but it is big around for anal use. If it were a little longer I might give it a try, but I think that Maverick’s my toy from this batch.
May 12th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
OOWWWWW.
That’s all I can think of when I see the Randy.
You are a stronger woman than I. I would never let it near me.
May 13th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Wow. This sucker is impressive.
I saw it in person at a local sex-shop as I was browsing with a play-partner (actually, we hadn’t done anything yet…but later that night….
) and my eyes bugged out.
I love the part in this review where the Randy just shoots out. Hilarity!
What lube did you use?
May 13th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
@Aida: At the time of this review, it was probably Intimate Organics Hydra, but I’ve moved on to Pink Water and Sliquid Sassy.
May 13th, 2010 at 4:10 pm
Loved the review. I don’t think I would actually ever use Randy, since I would want it for anal use and, well, I am not to that stage and I don’t know if I want to be. But, I can understand the obsession.
October 5th, 2010 at 9:13 am
LOL — love your very scientific research with Randy! You’re right: he is definitely a beast. I’m still scared of him . . .
October 6th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
So is Randy in your top 10 of toys still? I’m curious which are your top ranked. I’m still fascinated by him, even though he’s ginormous!!!
October 7th, 2010 at 1:50 am
@Bri: Top 10, I’m not sure. Close to it. Definitely unlike any other toy I own, so worth owning for that reason alone.
October 10th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Sweet lord, you are a goddamn hero. That looks like it feels like a small fist being crammed up your vajay. Still, I appreciate the leaps and bounds your vagina is taking for humanity. I salute you.
October 11th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Wow. I was actually wanting one of these until I read this review! It seems way too big for me now.
Does the Vixskin not have any give to it? I remember reading someone’s question once asking if Vixskin products are actually somewhat smaller because of the give… I think I answered that the Goodfella did have some give but it wasn’t enough to make a difference.
October 11th, 2010 at 8:25 pm
@Polly Vincere: It has some give. The head is pretty squishy. The shaft has a thin layer of squish over the hard inner core. I think it feels just as big as the dimensions make it sound, but I haven’t tried the regular silicone Randy either.
October 15th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Haha, the journal format is fantastic. And I’m glad you built up to it, rather than forcing all in one day.
November 2nd, 2011 at 7:21 am
Oh dang… I’m relatively new to the toy scene and I already encountered some problems with my rather dainty Doc Johnson The Reach (the bulby head hurt at first). But when I saw this dildo on another blog I positively fainted. I just cant imagine myself inserting something that big >.<