Dec 172009
 

There are only a few truly great dildo-making instructional videos on YouTube. And by truly great I mean truly horrifying.

Things of note:

  • “A broken wrench here… soon to be a dildo of some sort. Good use for recyclin’.”
  • He is running out of flesh-colored paint.
  • Caulking looks like really thick male ejaculate.
  • The wimpy patting at the end. It gets me every time.

I couldn’t say it better than this commenter: “Is this guy making a video on how to kill women? Seriously…”

Now, if you’re looking to make dildos that are a bit more, uh, frozen, then this video should do the trick (just in time for winter!):

Things you will learn from this video:

  • A new use for toilet paper rolls.
  • How very creepy the term “anal beads” can sound when applied to frozen water.
  • A quite compelling argument for why making ice dildos for your lady is super-duper chivalrous.
  • “Spice is the, uh, variety of life.”
  • What will easily become your new mantra: “wet ‘em before you use ‘em.”

Ugh, my teeth hurt just watching that video. Let’s not even talk about my vagina. But hey, at least I know what’s in those dildos.

  • http://dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    thoughts as I’m watching:

    I don’t think this is what the sex toy industry has in mind for a “silicone dildo”

    Safety goggles. Maybe, just maybe, if the splash needs safety goggles, it isn’t a material that should be shoved inside your body???

    He’s single. He’s gotta be.

    makeyourownsextoys.com clearly needs to be shut down via Dept of Insanity.

    and i can’t even watch the second one. I’m too horrified.

  • http://mendthiscrack.wordpress.com/ Ashley Avard

    Bwhahahahaha, I remember when you tweeted about the ice video months ago. So hilarious and horrifying. That first one….shudder. Like…seriously, I feel like no one should/should want to put that in their body. Just…no. NO.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Dangerous Lilly: “You might wanna put some safety goggles on, if you’re into safety…”

    @Ashley Avard: Yeah, I discovered the ice one a while back, and then Carnivalesq showed me the first one. I knew immediately that it needed to be in an “Um, No” post.

  • Sarahbear

    Bwahahahaha.

    With the first one I was thinking ‘Paint thinner? In my vagina?! I don’t think that’s safe….’

    also…funny both of them had country backwoods accents. (was it the same guy?)

    Then when the guy got all indignant like ‘you’re closed minded if you think I’m gay for this’ cause it’s totally awful to think he’s gay

    and he had a George W. Bush moment when he said ‘Spice is the variety of life.’ I fell over right then and there.

    Thank you so much for these videos. =p

  • http://mendthiscrack.wordpress.com/ Ashley Avard

    And something else that really confuses me: if you’re going to go to all the trouble to buying all these ingredients and shit like in the first video (I don’t know about you but I don’t have spare wrench parts or silicone caulk sitting around) why don’t you just go buy a 20 dollar sex toy or something? I know you can find something decent that is a hell of a lot more safe than that. There are certain things in life where homemade charm is not so fucking charming: this is one of them.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Sarahbear: OH MY GOD, how did I miss that quote? I had to add it to my post, as it is the single most enlightening thing the ice dildo man says!

    @Ashley Avard: Yeah, it confuses me too. I get the sense that these guys realize they could go out and buy dildos for a decent price, but they’re just too enthralled with the idea of concocting a homemade technique and then making a video about it for YouTube. They want to feel innovative, or something.

  • ThatToyChick

    I facepalmed so hard I might have broken my glasses.

    Notice the distinct absence of dildo guy making toys to use on HIMSELF. Yeah, it’s okay for ya to cobble together a phallic Frankenstein out of tetanus-laden odds and ends in your garage…as long as it’s going in a presumably-non-existent partner and not YOU.

    And…paint thinner aside…what is IN that paint? A buck fifty? I guarantee you it is NOT intended NOR safe for this purpose. At all. Ever. In fact, I might have contracted sympathetic vaginal chemical burns just from watching this video.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Britni TheVadgeWig: Hahahaha. Yes. These guys are my heroes (as far as I know, they are two different people…?).

  • http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com Britni TheVadgeWig

    YES. I LOVE this guy. I saw the first video and thought, “I wonder if she saw the ice dildo with the paper towel roll.” Then I scrolled down.

    This man? Fantastic.

  • http://heartbreaknympho.com Wilhelmina

    WHAT.

    i noticed the safety goggles thing too and was similarly horrified

    as for the second video… screw dildoes. just add some fruit syrup and…POPSICLES. they’d be a hit at parties.

  • http://www.undressedreviews.com Mimi

    Yikes. These videos should be shown to young men as things NOT to do. This = no real sex. Unless you pay for it. And even then…

    Wow. Goggles?

  • Vanilla Kinks

    Watching the first video, I had this thought:

    By the sounds his bottle of paint is making when he squeezes it, something tells me he has made many “flesh” colored dildos before, and that is just frightening.

  • RaDD678

    Yeah the goggle comment caught my attention. I don’t think anyone who is ACTUALLY making these things are big into safety… else they would NOT be shoving something made from craft supplies up their vag!! Just wating for the “String your own anal beads” video and the “15 random things in your garage that can be used as a buttplug” video.

    I shouldn’t joke about those. If these trainwrecks are out there those videos PROBABLY are too… I am cringing for the mythical women that these creepers are using these dildos on…

  • FlySaab

    The first video is horrifying, that silicone caulk smells awful when I use it on my bathtub, I wouldn’t even consider it for a sex toy!

    I’ve made ice dildos by filling up a standard vibrator sleeve and putting it in the freezer.

  • Caryn

    I love love love that the second dude brought up that part in A Christmas Story, you know what I’m talking about. The poor little kid gets his tongue stuck to an icy pole… Because honestly, that’s all I was thinking about while I watched the video.

  • Polly Vincere

    “This one has a string attached to it so it’ll have a place to hang once it’s covered in gook.”
    Yum.
    I can think of a couple of companies that would LOVE to have these guys on board.
    Yes, that was entirely bitchy and snarky.
    Yes, I don’t care! =D

  • http://duskinchains.wordpress.com Dusk

    That first one was just scary, but the second one? I’m an ice fan, so I thought it was kinda cool :)

    Love the person above who mentioned making dildo-popsicles! Lol.

  • Selective Sensualist

    OMG. The first video was especially terrifying and creepy.

    I about fell out of my chair when he said: “You might want to put on safety goggles if you’re into safety.” Seriously? If you’re into safety, you would never consider using PAINT THINNER, PAINT, and freaking INDUSTRIAL GRADE silicone CAULK to make a dildo that will LEAK TOXIC CHEMICALS INTO HUMAN MUCOUS MEMBRANES! (Sorry to yell . . . just couldn’t help myself. I am so horrifyingly appalled.)

    The second video seemed tame, by comparison.

  • http://www.namelesschaos.com namelesschaos

    To compare crazy guy on you tube: “no real science to this.” to reputable sex toy manufacturer’s tag line “the science of sensation”. I’d go with the one that think there should be a little science to it.

  • http://sugarcuntwrites.com Eusi Mto

    Once you mentioned this, I just had to see it.

    I’m kind of disappointed that YouTube has removed the first video, because I can’t watch it, but I’m pleased that it is gone for the sake of hundreds (maybe thousands) of unfortunate vaginas. However, if you haven’t seen it yet, I would call your attention to the “Fuc Saw,” which is the most recent invention on his Youtube page. It makes me want to curl up in the fetal position.

    As for video number two…

    Watching him try to lift the dildos off the towel right there at the end? That pretty much tells me everything I need to know about the viability of this idea.

    Things you will not learn from this video:
    Appropriate knife safety.

    My best friend and I are watching this, and he’s cutting the condoms open, and I’m like, “…That does NOT look safe.” And she’s like, “…Are his hands made of metal? How is it that he hasn’t cut himself yet?” And I have decided that what he’s really teaching us is that the best way to say “I love you” is to give your favorite female-bodied person an ice dildo covered in your blood.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Eusi Mto: I FOUND THE VIDEO UPLOADED VIA ANOTHER ACCOUNT. I should not be as excited as I am. At all.

  • http://sugarcuntwrites.com Eusi Mto

    @Epiphora:

    Oh my god, Epiphora. PAINT THINNER IS THE SECRET INGREDIENT. I AM SHITTING EVERYWHERE.

    “Good use for recyclin’.” The environment thanks you. Your wife’s prospective cancer diagnosis does not.

    I hate this man. He must be stopped.

    Thank you for finding this. I need to go pull an Oedipus Rex now.
    Comment spammer, over and out.