You know those butt-ugly animals, like hairless cats and shivery Chinese Cresteds, that instinctively disgust you — until you fall in love with one, and then you want to bitch out anyone who dares judge your snookum-wookum on its external appearance? That’s how I’ve become, very quickly, with the Eroscillator. It is my darling, my little copper-colored sweet.
And you can have it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Because this is the best sex toy I’ve ever tried. Full stop, end of discussion.
True to its name, the Eroscillator oscillates rather than producing regular up and down vibrations. That may not sound amazing to you, and I understand. I used to wonder what oscillating even meant. Was the attachment going to spin in circles crazily? Was it going to assault my clit? How could oscillations feel better than vibrations? Oh, it’s hilarious to think about now…
I. Examining the contents
I was sent the Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo, which is the ultimate package of all things Eroscillator. It includes the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe (which has 35% more power than the Eroscillator 2 Plus) and all seven available attachments. (Update: I’ve now tried both Eroscillators!) The combo also includes a plastic storage bag1, a manual, a DVD, and a delicious one-year warranty. There’s even a 30-day refund policy for used Eroscillators, if you decide you just don’t like yours. Which would never happen, but still.
The Eroscillator is the only sex toy ever endorsed by Dr. Ruth, which probably would mean more to my mom, but I’ll take it. The 12-minute DVD is mostly an advertisement, but it keeps me laughing all the way from excited hetero guy to to slow motion peach massage.
As an “already orgasmic” woman, the manual presents me with a list of ways to “create a sensual mood” for myself: take a bubble bath, lie down on “dark satin sheets,” drink wine/eat chocolate, listen to music. Rebel that I am, I usually eschew all of this advice and opt for some good ol’ pornographic material instead.2 Unsurprisingly, a sensual mood is completely unnecessary. What is necessary: a socket, a hand, a clitoris.
II. Material-sniffing and initial awesomeness
The Eroscillator is not small; 10″ long and 1 3/8″ in diameter, with a shaft weight of 8 ounces. Snapping an attachment onto it adds an inch or two to its length. The attachments lock into place easily, although removing them can be slippery if they are covered in lube. The cord, with its incredibly generous length of 12 feet (twice the length of the Hitachi’s cord), plugs into the bottom of the Eroscillator, then threads through a notch in the base so that the shaft stands up securely. I love being able to stand the Eroscillator up on my desk when I take a break from jacking off to tweet or take notes on the porn I’m watching.
The AC power is great, too. I’ve never had trouble with the cord, and I very much appreciate knowing my Eroscillator is never performing at less than 100%, as is apt to happen with slowly draining batteries. And the shaft doesn’t overheat — ever. Let’s be honest: this beast is going to last a hell of a lot longer than a battery-powered or rechargeable vibrator. And it better, because if it ever dies on me, I’ll cry. Cry and become murderous.
The body of the Eroscillator is plastic and covered in easy-to-grip ribs. To access the three oscillation levels, there is a long strip of plastic with a lip. Clicking it forward once reveals the number 1 branded on the shaft, then 2 and 3 with subsequent clicks, so that the current level is obvious with a quick glance. This feature rocks.
Eroscillator’s website claims this toy is “completely waterproof.” This is true in that you can clean it under running water without a problem, but it’s not submersible. I asked Eroscillator and they clarified:
The Eroscillator is water resistant and the insides are hermetically sealed and tested with compressed air for water tightness. However, it should not be used underwater. The connector will corrode. Also, it may create a short in the power supply.
Now, the attachments. The Seven Pearls of the Orient is made of PVC, the Ultra-Soft Finger Tip is made of silicone elastomer, and the rest of the attachments are made of… well, I’m not sure. I asked the Eroscillator people, and they told me the following: all the attachments are RoHS3, and the others are made of TPE with a silicone coating. In terms of the coating, I’m not convinced it’s pure silicone, because the texture is slightly tacky and the smell is reminiscent of plastic.4
The attachment names crack me up, especially the Seven Pearls of the Orient and the French Legionnaire’s Moustache. Untapped awesomeness: you can purr, “oh, I’m feeling like the French Legionnaire’s Moustache today,” whilst lying back in your chaise lounge and stroking your jewels. Wow, that sounds far more erotic than I meant it to be. The point is, I enjoy saying the luxurious attachment names.
III. Attachment utilization and peculiarities
So what do oscillations look like, feel like, and why are they the shit? Well, oscillations make the attachments look like they’re shivering. The attachments move at a speed of 3,600 back-and-forth oscillations per minute, or 60 per second. So, obviously, the back and forth motion isn’t discernible to the naked eye — nor is it discernible to the naked clit.
The sensation of oscillation is hard to describe, especially in a way that will accurately convince you of its majesty, but here goes: oscillations feel a lot deeper than regular vibrations. When I use a regular ol’ vibrator on my clit now, the vibrations feel very surface-level, and thus not as stimulating. Oscillations also don’t numb, and with oscillations, it’s not necessary to use pressure. Really, pressing the attachment harder doesn’t accomplish much at all, other than soreness in the hand.
It has taken some time and much experimenting, but I’m finally semi-prepared to order the attachments from my favorite to my least favorite. Refer to the photo for the corresponding attachment shapes.
- Seven Pearls of the Orient. I really like pinpoint clitoral stimulation, but I had no idea I’d want to marry this attachment. The tip is very small, so it nestles between my labia wonderfully. In use, it almost feels like I’m not using a sex toy at all, and more like an invisible force is stimulating my clit. The best part, though, is the orgasms with this particular attachment. They feel like a combination of clitoral and G-spot orgasms — clitoral for sure, but I always get the sensation of almost squirting. It’s amazing.
- G-Point. The G-Point wins second place based almost purely on strength, although the curved shape is nice and ergonomic. I have no idea why, but certain attachments conduct the oscillations better than others, and the G-Point does it the best. It’s the best choice for a strong finish.
- Ultra-Soft Finger Tip (or as I like to call it, the marshmallow). One of the mildest in terms of strength, but it’s absolutely perfect for warm-up. The marshmallow is large, squishy, and wonderful for applying lube. It’s the most gentle of all the attachments, and I love it for that. Also, it brings me the most tactile pleasure, as it really does feel like poking a marshmallow.
- French Legionnaire’s Moustache. I’m grossed out by facial hair of all kinds, so I did not expect to like this one. But it’s actually quite fun, and feels very unique. It can be used straight on, with the two bristles stimulating the labia, or sideways with one of the bristles stimulating the clit. Watch out, though: the bristles spew lube.
- Grapes and Cockscomb. Texture, ahoy! The amount of texture is a little much for me, but I still enjoy it from time to time. This attachment also has an interesting semi-circle side.
- Ball and Cup. Good for cupping my clit, as is the Golden Spoon, but not as exciting as the others.
- Golden Spoon. I’m just not big on the shape of this one.
But everyone’s different, so my seventh favorite could very well be your most favorite. None of them suck, and rest assured that any attachment will result in orgasm. It’s the oscillating function that matters in the orgasmic end, not the shape of the attachment.
The attachments can be used internally, but most of them aren’t made for the purpose. I tentatively used the Seven Pearls in my ass (with a condom pulled over it, of course), but didn’t care for it much, perhaps because I don’t have a prostate. Nonetheless, I don’t recommend using any attachment anally, because it could come loose and snap off.
I did introduce the G-Point attachment to my G-spot, but it wasn’t a match made in heaven. The oscillations feel interesting internally, but I’d never use any attachment as a makeshift dildo. Besides, then what would I use on my clit?! Catastrophe!
I’ve found the three oscillation levels to be nearly perfect, and only rarely do I ever wish there was a higher level. I sometimes find myself getting off without going past the first level, because the oscillations just feel that good. These aren’t power tool levels, though, so don’t expect anything crazy.
Strangely, different attachments result in different sound levels. The Moustache, Grapes and Cockscomb, and Golden Spoon are the quietest, followed by the Ball and Cup and Seven Pearls. The “marshmallow” is where things start to rattle a bit, and the G-Point’s noise on the highest level is comparable to a fairly noisy vibrator. So the Eroscillator’s claims of silence aren’t quite correct, but most of the attachments are very quiet.
IV. Orgasmic utopia and the shunning of old friends
I was never in the business of comparing orgasms, and am normally opposed to the idea that any toy, in an of itself, can give different or better orgasms. But after spending weeks and weeks with the Eroscillator, I’m ready to say it: my orgasms with the Eroscillator are different. And yes, they are better. They’re longer and deeper. That university study that found the Eroscillator most likely to produce high intensity orgasms? It’s accurate. Com’n, people, it’s science!
I’ve also noticed that the Eroscillator makes me come faster than I usually do. Before the Eroscillator, I was able to resist the nearing-orgasm urges. But now, the oscillations feel so good that I have had several instances of thinking fuck it and letting myself come, even though I wanted to continue jacking off for one reason or another.
To explain my love for the Eroscillator in terms that longtime readers of this blog will understand: I haven’t used my (ex-) beloved Xtreme Pack G-spot bullet (which I once dubbed “the bullet to end all bullets”) since I received the Eroscillator. I’ve tried, and it just doesn’t feel good anymore. Yeah, the clitorial stimulator that I used almost exclusively for over a year and a half doesn’t do it for me now. Basically, I’m ruined.
I’d also like to say goodbye to concave toys, flickery sleeves, too small bullets, too weak vibrators, and flapping tongues. Goodbye to practically anything that has ever brought me to clitoral orgasm before this. Sorry, y’all, but I honestly can’t see myself using any of you ever again.
V. A couple negatives before you assume I’m on uppers
Mainly, the Eroscillator is expensive. The Ultimate Combo (the big kahuna) is priced at a hefty $255. The Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe by itself is around $195. The Eroscillator 2 Plus is the cheapest, at $140. Sadly, the least expensive ones don’t include my favorite attachments (the attachments are sold separately, but they’re overpriced).
Although it’s quite a chunk of money no matter which version/package you choose (I reviewed both versions here), consider that it goes toward an oscillating function that cannot be found in most other toys (and when it is, it’s usually in an offensively rudimentary form). It also goes toward what will most likely become the only clitoral stimulator you will ever need.
But back to the quibbles:
- It’s difficult to focus on the stimulation of the Eroscillator while using a vibrator internally, so if you’re an avid vibrator-in-vagina person, be prepared for the Eroscillator’s specific and somewhat delicate oscillations.
- The Eroscillator is a bit heavier than most toys, especially clit toys, so it takes some getting used to.
- The attachments are riddled with nooks and crannies, so you’ll need to bust out your old toothbrush during cleaning time, lest those crevasses become filled with dried lube and juices.
I would comment on the Eroscillator’s unfortunate color and odd appearance, which deterred me from caring about its existence for far too long, but its appearance is actually an asset. I leave the unadorned shaft sitting out beside my desk, so that it’s always plugged in and ready for me. As it should be.
VI. Just buy one. Seriously.
I’m being dramatic, I know, but if there ever was a sex toy to be dramatic over… it’s this one. If my apartment was burning down and I had already saved my cats, I’d probably try to grab my Eroscillator.
You may not fully understand the majesty of the Eroscillator if you are not yet jaded by the same-old same-old plastic vibes and “innovative” clit stimulators — but I am jaded, and the Eroscillator is the antidote. Now I know that I don’t have to settle for the often loud thrum of regular ol’ vibrations. I don’t have to settle for surface-level stimulation. I just don’t have to settle, because the Eroscillator blows everything else out of the water — er, toy drawer.
Everyone with a clitoris should own the Eroscillator. Hell, everyone with a soul should own it. And if you’re going to pull the “it looks like an electric toothbrush” excuse, then I implore you to consider how much a toy’s resemblance to a toothbrush matters when you are experiencing some of the most unique and stimulating clitoral pleasure of your existence.
There are a lot of Eroscillator packages to choose from. Let me break them down for you.
The Eroscillator 2 Plus is the regular one; the Top Deluxe has 35% more power. I reviewed both here.
- Eroscillator 2 Plus — $140, three attachments
- Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo — $175, four attachments
- Eroscillator Top Deluxe — $195, five attachments
- Eroscillator Top Deluxe Soft Finger Combo — $230, six attachments
- Eroscillator Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo — $255, seven attachments
Thank you, folks of Eroscillator, for sending me your glorious device!
- It doesn’t even close, though, so I’m on the hunt for something far cuter and more secure. [↩]
- Hilariously, the renting of an “adult movie” is recommended for anorgasmic women, but not for me. [↩]
- Which is really just a fancy way of saying, “woohoo! No lead!”, so.. yeah. I would hope so. [↩]
- For this reason, I would not recommend sharing the Eroscillator with a non-fluid-bonded partner unless you use a condom, since the attachments can’t be sterilized. [↩]
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