On the front of the package, a circle of orange spines say, “Try Me.” You feel them; they are glossy, pointy, somewhat pliable. They remind you of body jewelry, Hot Topic, the 90s. But this tactile experience does not prepare you for the sensation of the spines in your pussy.
And you feel them all. Every row of them as you fight to wriggle the dildo inside yourself. They are not soft, and they are not subtle. They do not “tickle,” as the packaging promises. They poke. They drag. They proclaim, “did you know that I exist?” “And me?” “And me?” “And me?” You drizzle a boatload of lube on the dildo. It has no effect whatsoever.
Perhaps I’m not warmed up enough, you think. You rummage through your stuff to find the biggest dildo you own. You fuck yourself silly with it. After this, you think, the Taffy Tickler will be nothing.
No, it won’t.
It really, really won’t.
What’s that slight burning sensation? Oh, that’s just the inside of your vagina. It wants to know what the hell just happened.
Feeling as though you just had sex with a very spiny animal or sea urchin, you put the Taffy Tickler away — perhaps in a drawer, perhaps out in the open to show off to guests. But one thing’s for sure: that dildo is never coming near your vagina again.
Bonus facts!
- The spines, although phthalate free, are made of TPR silicone — not pure silicone. The rest is made of glass… too bad you can’t feel it.
- Topco makes several atrocities with spines like these. Avoid them like the plague. Really. Unless you have never met a toy textured enough for you, do not even think about buying something with spines like this. Don’t trust me enough? Here, have another opinion.
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June 14th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
This is the best. review. ever.
Please thank your vagina for enduring pain for everybody else’s entertainment. And review more shitty stuff. MORE MORE MORE
June 14th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Oh wow sorry that so sucks I hope your vagina make a full recovery. With the pic on the site don’t see the spines that well.
June 14th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
i used to own a vibrator that was all “taffy tickler”. i tried every damn thing to at least try the thing. Even with a buttload of lube i couldn’t get the damn thing in (probably anatomy). But, you can’t clean the damn “tickler” part to save your soul. They lap up juice and lube and hold onto it. i tried water, soap, scrubbing, everything (despite reviews to the contrary…). Really, they just need to stop making these things.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
oh my god. i’ve seen this before and just *looking* at it makes my vagina cringe in terror. i have to commend you heartily for trying it out.
June 14th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
@Wilhelmina: Usually I give toys the benefit of the doubt and try them at least twice, but that was not gonna happen this time!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:37 am
is it possible to save this toy by removing the offensive spikes? I have this thought of a woman with extensive pubic hair getting tangled into these evil pointy things & it being a double torture device.
Ackkk. It looks like pain. Rescue the glass dildo inside!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:40 am
@wendiana: It’s not worth it. I have plenty of other great glass dildos. It would be a total waste of time.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I had a really bad feeling about these things. Kudos to you though, buy your vagine some chocolates or something and let her know you’re real sorry and it will never happen again…
June 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
@Epiphora: lol, then for all that is holy, don’t waste it, send it to me! LMAOOO.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@wendiana: Dude, no way. You — and every other woman — deserve a normal glass dildo, not a Frankenstein’s monster. There are decent $30 glass dildos out there.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Makes water boarding sound fun.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
You know, I’d heard these things were painful well before your review (which was very funny, btw), but I still can’t help but be curious to try one. How fucked up is that? My masochistic side needs to shut the fuck up. lol
June 15th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@Eliot: I know what you mean. Even after I read Thursday’s Child’s review, I still wanted to try it for myself. But really… I think you would regret it.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
@Eliot and @Epiphora: I have the same reaction, knowing it’s horrible kind of just makes me want to try it for myself so I can know just -how- horrible it is. At the same time, though… ouch.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I saw your review on my feeder and had to make a point to come over and comment. That thing does look like it would hurt but like you and @Eliot I still want to try it for myself. Although, it would be a waste of time and money.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
@Scarlet Lotus @Alpine Subdreams: YOU GUYS. DON’T. I’M BEGGING YOU!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
WTF, what is the point of making something out of glass if you’re going to use a material that isn’t 100% sanitary like TPR, and mold that TPR in to something that sucks at life?
This is a waste of my favorite color. >=(
June 15th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
So the ticklers are STUCK? I thought they were maybe some sort of sleeve.
Seriously, though, you made me laugh. And it’s not just cause I’m super effing tired.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
@Adriana: Oh yes, they’re stuck. Individually. Like someone made them with an icing tube or something.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Omg I tested a vibrator made entirely of those spikes. It was horrible, I got it in my vagina(which was hard enough) and wanted to die. It feels kind of nice vibe-ing on my clit but those “Taffy ticklers” should not be used in insertion.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I’ve tried a “taffy tickler”, too. Nice on the clit. Not on the inside. Thanks for the hilarious review!
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I was at a shop yesterday and saw something very similar to this and thought ‘oh my god… WHY? And how NASTY would that get??’ and my husband just picked it up, shook his head, looked at me, put it back and just walked away, shaking his head. Your review just confirmed everything we both thought about that evil, nasty (and not in a good way!) little thing.
August 26th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I have been thinking “that has to hurt” every single time I see this ‘feature’ on a toy. I can’t help but also think how hellish it must be to clean. The only thing I could imagine it being useful for is on a clit toy, but I think even that would be too scratchy and rough. Why can’t they just do bumps instead, or that grippy texture Big Tease Toys uses on it’s toy line on the grip-band? That’d be awesome paired with glass for insertion rather than just as a grip.
October 24th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Hey- is there something up with your wordpress? this is showing up as the best of the best on top of the page… but you didnt seem to like it? Weird..
October 24th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@Darling Dove: “The Best of the Best” is a section for my favorite reviews/posts I’ve written, not my favorite toys.