Apr 052009
 

Impulse ButterflyDon’t ask me why I had to try a strap-on vibrator. I’m ashamed to admit that I ever thought it would work. It’s just that I’m getting so desperate to find something that clearly doesn’t exist — something that can adequately stimulate me hands-free during sex, and bring me to orgasm. Oh, it’s a laugh, I know.

I decided I would give strap-on vibes one chance to wow me, and that chance came in the form of the Impulse Butterfly. It has garnered decent reviews, and is made of TPR (thermoplastic rubber). It looks really stupid, but there’s not much we can do about that — it’s like a rule that all strap-on vibes come in ridiculous shapes. This one happens to be a butterfly, and the most unattractive butterfly I’ve ever seen. It’s like an inversion of a real butterfly — tiny wings, massive (ugly) body. The straps are attached to the TPR of the wings, which doesn’t look good for the long term (not that I’m ever going to find out).

California Exotic did not deem it necessary to include actual instructions for how to put on this thing, and I wasn’t surprised. I used the picture of the woman in a spacesuit on the front of the box as a guide. I determined that there were three loops that needed to go around me: one around my waist, and one around each leg. Just putting this toy on is a real hoot, especially with my horrible sense of balance. It didn’t look exactly like it did on the spacesuit woman, but it was close enough.

How was I supposed to position it? Presumably, the antennae were supposed to stimulate my clit, while the butt of the butterfly was supposed to, um, poke into my vagina, I guess. But that was not at all possible, so I ended up with the butt of the butterfly against (in the loosest sense possible) my clit, and the antennae among my pubic hair. As you might imagine, pain ensued.

And something else ensued too: embarrassment. I am not easily embarrassed when it comes to sex toys, but this one is just demeaning. It says, “hi, I’m a purple gooey butterfly haphazardly strapped around your body. Yes, it has come to this.” Seriously, who wants to be struggling to put this on, especially in front of anyone, especially prior to sex?

But I did it, and I suffered through a few minutes of sex while wearing the Impulse Butterfly. The straps were comfortable enough, but the butterfly continued to pull at my pubic hair and did not even remotely touch my clit unless I pressed on it. The vibrations are fine (the battery pack runs on 3 AAs), but as far as I’m concerned, they don’t matter. What matters is, this toy makes everything it touches 100x more awkward. And it got in the way during missionary.

This is an epic fail of a toy if I ever saw one. By the end of my jaunt with the Impulse Butterfly, the straps were inexorably twisted. Then I had to clean the damn thing, which is really annoying with the straps hanging out everywhere. I see no reason anyone should ever buy this toy, or any other strap-on vibe for that matter. Seriously, they just make you feel like a mega loser.

  • Backseat Boohoo

    I got a similar Cal Ex strap-on vibe from EF and it was just as awful. I think I still have it in a plastic bag in my toy box, even though it’s broken…probably just guilt, cause the toy was free.

    Honestly, strap-on vibes are just doomed to fail. They need to invent a tiny multi-function vibe that’ll just hover over your clit and follow voice commands ASAP.

  • DominaDoll

    I hate strap-on vibes. They are useless and are not even designed to fit a woman’s body. Whoever invented them I wonder????

  • I’ve never understood strap on vibes. Kudos for being brave enough to try one. 🙂

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #23 | Pleasurists()

  • Pingback: Femme Fagette » Pleasurists #23()

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #23 « Erin Leone()

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #24 « Confessions of Promiscuity()

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #23 - Sweltering Celt()

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #23 | A View from the Floor()

  • Aw poo. I’ve always thought about getting a strap on vibrator just in case I broke both my arms in some kind of freak accident… thought I might could wiggle it on & then sit on a dildo or something, but this just sounds awful. I love that you added the embarrassment factor of wearing this stupid looking thing.

  • Pingback: Pleasurists #23 | Sex. Shoes.()

  • Ok, here is my mega question. If these things get good reviews, then are those women lying, or do these things actually work in some way? I have never had one work for me, and OMG the humiliation of wearing one is so not worth the trouble to get the stupid things on. Plus, I have no desire to have a bird or bug buzz at my clit.

  • @Alley: I think the women who positively review these things are just really easily pleased. I don’t think they’re intentionally lying, but they don’t know how much better a regular vibrator could be.

  • I want a strap-on vibe just for the humor value. They sure are ugly though, and this one’s particularly bad.

  • Selective Sensualist

    I wonder why they even keep making these type of strap-ons based upon the same-old, same-old model. If toy manufacturers want to keep producing this style of toy, why don’t they try to design something that actually fits? (A rhetorical question, obviously . . . though if you have any insight, it would be interesting to be enlightened.)

  • Nuala

    Why is it that, given that supposedly over 70% of all women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation, and yet nobody has managed to design a hands free toy for us to use during intercourse that works? Is this really that hard?

  • @Nuala: Apparently so.

  • Pingback: Purveyor of Pleasure | Pleasurists #23()

  • Mad Amrita

    oh my lord i got this attrocity as a free giveaway for my show and it went to my best ex friend as her very first sex toy. FAIL!!!! i laughed so hard readng this Piph. it now resides in a jar of shame melting into a shapeless blob on other toy fails. i use the purple elastic straps mine had as bracelets.i adore you and am learning so much from your posts!

  • Tmcaurinus

    My bet is that people who are fairly new to sex toys continue to discover and purchase these — perhaps especially people who don’t own clits purchasing them for partners who do — and then, well, the retailer and manufacturer have their money, and there’s nothing the purchaser(s) can do when they discover the item is crap. No returns + stigmatization of sex toy information-sharing = a crap toy continuing to sell successfully.

  • Tmcaurinus

    Yep…I once owned the bumble-bee version of this horrid object. In addition to everything you said, the vibrations were super-fast and super-buzzy (appropriately, I guess). Even when my engineer then-boyfriend jimmied with the remote to make it accept fewer batteries, and therefore have a gentler speed, it still didn’t fit well or look sexy or feel arousing in any way.

  • Talia

    Do I get banned from reading this blog when I admit that I love my Venus Butterfly (the one Lovehoney is selling right now)? Yes, it’s ugly, it’s pink, the straps are all wrong, it’s not waterproof and it’s not made from silicone – but I just love the vibrations (they are definitly among the rumblier ones from my toys – don’t have a Mona to compare to, however) and I love the hands-free convenience.

    The trick to having it stay in place is to attach each wing front to back to a thigh, and put not strap around the waist.

  • Tzipora

    This is seriously old school Piph gold in this review. Hahaha. That and while I’ve never been tempted by these (I get off hands free with wands between my legs or on my belly… And the Tango/Dusk combo doesn’t do it for me as not enough pressure) I’m having this reaction of horror and embarrassment because the first time I ever visited a sex shop I somehow got talked into buying an effing $100 (wtf?) Cal Exotics dual stim monstrosity that totally had a very similar butterfly for the clit part. Also it was a girthy motherfucker which honestly with the spinning head kind of rocked (but fullness will rock anyhow so..) But that butterfly. Omfg. It was horrific and I could not fathom why anyone wanted animals on their clits and mine had bigger antennea but still it was a very annoying buzzy tickle awful feeling and yep, watch out for pubes…

    Oh but the best part was somewhere in there I wised up to materials and such so I decided to cover it with a condom. Learned I had a latex allergy that way. Flipping fun times. Fun, fun times. At least I threw that shit away finally after that.

    I still cannot believe they sold me such an overpriced piece of junk though. Probably played off my geeky girl home from college for the weekend and wandering into sleazy shop for the first time to their advantage. I have no idea. Oh and they carded me which I’ve never seen done since even at the same sleazy shop so they knew I was young. But seriously? Seriously? Uggggh. TPR purple butterflies make me sick to my stomach as a result.