Hello, hello, reigning champ of vibes! Pleased to meet you. I thought I never would, as I was always put off by your grandma-esque appearance. But, presented with the offer to review you, I could not resist. I had to know. What makes you so great? Why do the bloggers shorten your name to the majestic Hitachi? Am I going to shudder and squirt when I orgasm?
You came in a laughable box plastered with photos of dorky people using you on innocent spans of skin: backs, arms, shoulders, legs. But I knew the truth. Babeland’s cute plus and minus logo was taped on the box. I opened the box and flipped through the instruction manual.
I plugged you in and turned you on “low.” Hey, I actually expected you to be louder. I guess all the hype worked in your favor this time. You sounded somewhat like an appliance; a higher-pitched vibration than most battery-operated vibes. I pressed your large head against my vulva through my pajama pants. Even then, the vibration was nearly too much. But I would persevere.
Whenever I was horny, I plugged you in and tried to enjoy you, but it was always too much. Your whirring head made my vulva itch. I tried putting three layers of towel between us; it worked at first, but after not much longer, the itch was back. Four layers of towel was too many, and just felt like a general vibration of towel. Not so fun.
The only time I have been able to handle your intensity has been when I’m about to come anyway. I toss my Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet away and pull you over to me. My orgasms with you have not sent me into orbit yet, but I will be patient. I know eventually I will sing your praises just as everyone else has. I just need time.
from one of my affiliate links to support my work!
Did you like this? Subscribe for more of it!
Get new posts directly in your inbox!
Get my less frequent Snark Digest newsletter with posts + exclusive content!