Oct 052015

Jimmyjane Form 5 and Hello Touch X vibrators (plus masking tape labels)Why does Jimmyjane still exist?

That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of human needs? Why do they fail to improve upon anything, to move forward in any meaningful way? Why do they insist upon peddling $4,000 bouncy sex castles and $35,000 private jet rides rather than getting people off?

Take, for instance, the Form 5. This is the fifth vibrator in the Form series, after we’ve been subjected to a glitchy tooth, malformed tongue, bowling pin, and an insertable vibrator with its control buttons on the insertable part. All have been mediocre. Not astronomically bad, but not good. The Form 5 follows a similar trajectory: interestingly shaped, seemingly innovative… not at all logistically functional as a sex toy. And that motor. Oh god, I have thoughts about Jimmyjane’s motors.

Then there’s the Hello Touch X: a rechargeable version of Jimmyjane’s once-promising fingertip vibrator Hello Touch. Great! Maybe it will have more than one speed setting now! But no, it doesn’t. Just one vibration intensity and 10 levels of ELECTROSTIM. And it’s not easier to operate either, because why would they do that! That would be progress!

I feel like in the venn diagram of “people who want fingertip vibrators” and “people who love estim,” there is very little overlap in the middle. But logic is not Jimmyjane’s forte.

Jimmyjane is like that aging, obstinate techie hipster in the room who for years has been standing around with a beer in his hand bragging about his grand idea for a Facebook-killing social media website but has never lifted a goddamn finger to make it happen.

Jimmyjane Form 5 rechargeable vibratorWhen people pick up the Form 5 in the sex shop I work at and ask me what it’s for, I feel at a loss for words. I have no earthly idea what it’s for, and I don’t think Jimmyjane does either. Their tagline for the toy is “for him, for her, for us,” which I imagine being parroted by a gender-binary-loving shrug emoji. Get creative! It can do anything! For the only two genders that exist!

In reality, it can do nothing.

This toy looks like a mouth open in a silent scream of confusion, which is exactly how I feel every time I try to use it. How. Why. What. How do I position. I don’t. I don’t understand at all. At first it seems enticing, like the tips should waft pleasurably against my vulva. But they’re not floppy or flexible enough, so pressing them against my body only makes them jab me. Plus Jimmyjane’s terrible motor means they don’t move a lot — they just sadly buzz.

Using the Form 5 means constantly adjusting it, and never to much satisfaction. Sometimes, I shove both tips to the dominant left side of my clit, but usually I gravitate toward flattening the right tip against my clit, so the other tip just kind of pokes the crease between my vulva and my leg. It’s weird and feels like I’m trying to apply a sticker to my genitals. What is this, a slumber party turned circle jerk?

Never does it make sense to use the toy as “intended,” because that would mean impaling my vulva with the tips as I struggle to access the nub (sorry, Pleasure Dome) buried in the middle. Supposedly Jimmyjane got data on average labia size from the Kinsey Institute to design this toy, which GREATLY CONCERNS ME because I am 150% sure my labia are not abnormal, and in no world can I make this vibrator pleasurably stimulate my labia and clit at the same time.

I can come with the Form 5, sure, but moooom do I have toooo?

In the “for him” part of the equation, I guess you’re supposed to slap your penis down between the flaps like you’re serving up a hot dog? I had my boyfriend try it. It was alright, he reported, but “pretty buzzy… the Hitachi is better.”

And still, still, Jimmyjane doesn’t include a storage bag with their $145 “high end” vibrators. Oh, but they do MANUFACTURE one. You just have to buy it separately. Also, for perhaps the first time, I actually counted the vibration patterns on a Jimmyjane toy and there are THREE? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? Way to cut corners everywhere, Jimmyjane. Oh my god.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch X finger vibrator with electrostimI don’t even know where to begin with the Hello Touch X. First of all, I have to consult the manual every time I go to use this toy, especially in estim mode. And Jimmyjane didn’t deem it important to put symbols on the buttons themselves, instead assuming all customers will tuck the control pack in its totally dorky wrist strap. So… you’re going to look like a dweeb while using this toy. It’s just a fact.

Used solo, the little bastards start cutting off circulation to my (arguably small) fingers the moment I put them on. While the toy does allow me to do movements I wouldn’t normally do with a sex toy, the vibrations are weak and buzzy and could only get me off in times of great need. Having a vag-goo-covered contraption strapped to my fingers also hampers my ability to use my right hand for anything else… and considering my masturbatory MO includes skipping shitty blowjobs in porn and putting everything on hold to compose a brilliant tweet, that’s a problem.

But used with a partner? I hope you’re ready for your relationship to be tested. Literally the first thing my girlfriend said after they started using it on me was “um, I can’t feel your clit. I feel like a teenage boy rubbing through your pants, like, ‘clitoris is between legs right???'”

It was awful. My girlfriend’s manual stimulation skills, which are usually so on point, were severely hindered. Their fingers were awkward and imprecise, with too much added girth to be able to surround my clit even if I told them where it was. We felt farther away from each other instead of closer — as if hipster Jimmyjane was standing in the corner going, “hey. ‘Sup. Enjoying my sweet invention?”

The best part of my girlfriend’s fingers on my vulva is feeling their fingers on my vulva. The best part about rubbing my girlfriend’s vulva is feeling my girlfriend’s vulva. The Hello Touch X deprives us of this joy, substituting instead a singular vibration intensity that doesn’t even remotely make up for it.

If, like me, you had lofty dreams of internal stimulation plus vibration against the G-spot, retire that fantasy. Inside a vagina, with barely any movement from my fingers, the pads threatened to slip off. “It’s like we’re being punished for using lube,” I narrated.

But it was inevitable. When I removed my fingers, the pads went bye bye. Queue simultaneous wincing. Queue me extracting the toy by tugging on its flimsy black cord. Queue fishing in my girlfriend’s vagina.

To reiterate: IT WAS AWFUL.

But once we tossed the Hello Touch X away and touched each other with unaided fingers, we felt closer than ever before. Thanks, Jimmyjane!

As for the electrostim, I’m not a fan. It weirdly pulses, which makes me feel like I’m at a physical therapy appointment. My boyfriend described the sensation as “sharp” and made a face when I tried it on him. We both love the Neon Wand, but the Hello Touch X just feels obnoxiously tiny and prickly. Also the fact that there is no digital readout to tell you which setting you’re on is ridiculous and dangerous. I could be on setting 5, I could be on setting 10, I could not have the estim on at all — who knows!

It feels tolerable on my arms, so I (stupidly) thought I could handle it on my vulva. No. Even on a low setting, I cringed and yelped and jerked my hand away.

This is more than enough suffering for my art.

Here’s the deal: if you want estim, get the Neon Wand. If you want a flapping sensation on your clit, consider the Magic Wand Rechargeable with the Flutter attachment. If you just want a vibrator that works really, really well, get the LELO Mona 2 or We-Vibe Touch. If you want vibrating fingers, I don’t know what to tell you, honestly. It hasn’t been done well yet.

Jimmyjane, I wanted to review these toys because I still have a smidgen of hope for you. I desperately want people to buy your products and not regret it. I want improvements — deeper motors, user-friendly designs, pleasurable shapes. But they never seem to happen. You keep throwing wads of money into PR campaigns instead. You keep releasing toys that don’t actually feel good or work well. Discerning customers know the truth, and I know the truth: you haven’t produced a single amazing toy. Not one, in all your years.

Please do better.

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Sep 192015

L'Amourose Rosa Rouge and Rosa vibratorsIt’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2.

The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough,1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality products or properly addressing support requests, these prices are hard to accept.

But L’Amourose is following the expected fancy sex toy path, almost laughably so: swanky packaging (there’s a ribbon involved), USB charging dock2 with wall adapter, sturdy plastic 18-month warranty card, fully waterproof functionality, quality silicone, packet of branded “intimate moisturizer” (gee, I wonder what they mean by that?), and drawstring storage pouch.

It’s allllllllll there. All the accouterments of luxury.

And I’ve gotta hand it to the internet — the reports are true. The Rosa emits a hefty bit of vibration. It has two motors which chug along in tandem, creating rumbly and impressive vibrations. They’re definitely deeper and stronger than the vibrations of the Mona,3 and the appeal was immediately and abundantly clear, to my clit at least.

It began: my long-standing relationship with my Mona was being tested. Clitorally the Rosa was good, very very good, but I kinda didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want such strife, such conflict. I felt like if I was going to crown the Rosa a superior toy, it needed to be superior on all levels.

But it’s not, and the blame rests solely on that chunky fucking base. Which, by the way, is plastic and beveled on the bottom like the prized jewel in Fireball Island. I mean that as an insult.

I think my hand has formed into the shape of the Mona’s handle, because when I hold the Rosa, it just feels wrong. With Mona my hand is more relaxed, more natural. With Rosa, I have to wrap my whole palm around the base, like I’m about to pitch a baseball or claw someone’s eyes out.

The buttons are also crap. Positioned, as they are, on one side of the base, they’re in the wrong place anytime the toy is held in my left hand. They’re also indistinguishable to my fingers, so I have to glance down at the toy to change settings.

The base is so obnoxiously large because this toy was designed to be a dual vibe. It is an abysmal failure this way, to be clear. I can’t snuggle that base against my clit without poking my cervix with the inserted shaft. And the base is not what my clit wants, anyway. It’s too big and indistinct, and its motor is buzzy and paltry.

It’s also a mess. Lube inevitably finds its way to my hand.

Yet if I try to enjoy only the shaft of the Rosa — which I’d love to do because its shape is extremely good at hitting my G-spot — the base clit-blocks any additional clitoral stimulation. Not cool, man, not cool. My clit should be wild and free.

So I always return to using the Rosa clitorally, loving it, and forgiving all the times it wronged me. Despite the annoying base, the sensation is incredible, and its sheer power is perfect for when I need that final push, or when I’m using a vibrating insertable that’s competing for my genitals’ attention.

The Rosa Rouge differs in only one way: the heating element. It heats up to 104-108 degrees Fahrenheit, or 5-10 degrees above body temperature, and it only takes a few minutes to get there (you can also use the toy sans heat).

Is the warmth groundbreakingly great? No, but it’s nice. It feels more like interacting with another human being, since I associate warmth with human touch (…and heated seats in my girlfriend’s car). But it’s weird sometimes because I also associate warmth in my genital region to overheating sex toys and that one time in college when I got the worst UTI ever.

That was in 2006, but damn — body memory is no joke.

Honestly, I’ve never thought of silicone as particularly cold, so added heat isn’t something that wows me, especially for $60 extra. It’s interesting for temperature play — using the Rosa Rouge externally while I inserted a glass dildo conjured an unusual, icy hot sensation — but not essential.

If a thief made off with one of my Rosas, whichever one, I wouldn’t be gutted — I’d just go on using the remaining one.

Although there is a pretty legit reason to favor the original Rosa. The Rosa Rouge lasts 1.3 hours on high (1.5 with the heat turned off)… and the regular Rosa lasts 3 hours. Yep, longer than Interstellar, longer than Mona. So, really, the Rosa Rouge is too much extra cash and too much sacrificing of battery life.

I also have this concern: L’Amourose as a company is extremely new. We have no evidence of the hardiness of their toys or their ability to support customers. Sex toy companies come and go, I’m afraid, and blindly ignoring that fact would be foolhardy. I can’t act like I trust L’Amourose the same way I trust LELO to, at the very least, produce toys that work for an extended period of time, and replace the ones that go belly up.

The gosh darn down home honest-to-betsy truth, though, is that if the L’Amourose Rosa had a traditional handle, I’d be telling you to buy it right fucking now. The vibrations are undeniably wonderful. The shaft shape is a G-spotting delight. It has the battery life and vibration timbre, range, and power that so many toys lack. In that sense, the Rosa is in a class all its own.

But its base limits its ease of use and versatility, so you must take that into account. Do not buy the Rosa if your aim is dual stimulation, or G-spot stimulation with any space for clitoral stimulation. Buy it if your clit is a power-hungry rumble-lover… with extravagant taste.

Get the Rosa (which comes in green, black, and pink) or Rosa Rouge at SheVibe.

  1. Comparable toys from Fun Factory and LELO cost $130-140. []
  2. The toy stands upright precariously… don’t try to charge it where a cat can swipe it off. []
  3. It has 2-3 settings above the highest level on the Mona. []

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Sep 032015

[Alert! The kGoal is on sale through 9/20 at SheVibe!]

Minn kGoal kegel exerciser vibrator and my Android phoneRecently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina?

So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them.

Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s heads. I dunno.

This is to say that I’m not the prime candidate for the Minna kGoal,1 a pelvic floor strengthening vibrator with corresponding phone app and kegel workouts. However, I’ve always wanted an accurate measure of my vaginal strength to flaunt at the most inopportune moments — and the kGoal, thankfully, gave it to me.

On my first go ’round, I scored 9.8. Out of 10.

Such street cred.

The kGoal is comprised of two parts: an insertable squeeze bulb and a clitoral arm. Each has a motor (toggled on or off with the app), and they vibrate in response to pressure on the bulb — technology that Minna pioneered in their previous toys, the Ola and Limon. The kGoal is made with matte silicone and charges via USB, but it is not waterproof. It retails for $149. (The phone app, at least, is free.)

Over the years, various fauxnnovations have attempted to incentivize and measure kegel exercise, but it has never remotely worked. The VR1 balls were supposed to vibrate when squeezed, but didn’t. The Intensity forced my body into doing kegels by electroshocking my vaginal walls — not pleasurable. I even pounced on a set of old school pressure rods when I encountered them at a sex shop, only to discover that my champion vag couldn’t make the stupid gauge move even a millimeter.

With these as “competition,” the kGoal easily wins. The biofeedback from this toy is a revelation. There is no delay — it responds in real time. A light squeeze produces a low, barely perceptible buzz, and I only get the strongest vibration if I clench as hard as I can. Worn around the house, the kGoal informs me of all the times my PC muscle involuntarily squeezes, like when I laugh, walk up the stairs, or pick up something heavy.

I’m impressed by how much the toy latches onto me — it never budges. And the extended, broad clit arm reaches my clit reasonably well.

So even without the app involved, the kGoal is a powerful tool for measuring progress in real time. There can be no doubt about whether you are doing kegels correctly and effectively. Simply inserting the toy and experiencing the vibrational response is incentive to keep exercising — sort of like the Luna Beads on steroids.

There is much clamoring in the kGoal’s marketing about how the toy can be “customized to fit your body” because you can deflate and inflate the squeeze bulb at will, but that’s a little dramatic. The tip of the bulb is rigid and measures 1.5″ in diameter — there’s no changing that. Plus, deflating the bulb prior to insertion is not necessary for an accurate measurement, and the silver vent button is only easy to access if you don’t have fingernails. So I just keep my kGoal inflated at all times.

What does help with accuracy, though, is setting the baseline. Once it’s inserted and you’re relaxed, you quick-press the button on top of the kGoal’s arm (which should flash green). This calibrates the toy and ensures more precise measurements.

Two workouts on the kGoal app: Moving Target and Shape ShiftThe kGoal app, at least for Android, is veryyy slow to update. It has a grand total of two workouts — and I’ve been waiting for them to add the second for over half a year. The original workout, Moving Target, is a 5-minute regimen of long, intense squeezes, quick successive squeezes, and particularly challenging “controlled squeezes” which require you to follow a moving horizontal bar as it rises and falls. It’s like one of those “love meter” things at carnivals that you hit really hard with a mallet. Only your vagina is the mallet.

This workout is surprisingly difficult… and surprisingly boring. 5 minutes is a long time, it turns out! I find myself glancing at the remaining time often. “Jesus, still 3 minutes left?” “Still 2?” “1?” “45 seconds?”

The second workout, thankfully, does not induce such yawns. In Shape Shift, you open a doorway with your vaginal strength to let a variety of shapes pass through. Rudimentary and Atari-like as it is, Shape Shift is a lot more fun than Moving Target, and offers more bedside manner with encouraging words along the way.

I won’t be truly happy until I can play Pong with my vagina, though.

The app is well-designed, if a bit sterile. I prefer sterility to over-the-top cartoonish bullshit, but a little personality might be nice. Functionality is fairly basic at this point, and it looks like they just added the ability to create reminders (on the iPhone app), so that’s good. Aside from more workouts to prevent monotony, I feel strongly that there should be a social element to this app. There should be a scoreboard where you can compete with your friends, family, and the guy who makes your latte every morning.


Because I’m me, I asked some of my sex blogger friends to try my kGoal too. Aerie got an 8.1, Lorax got a 7.8, and Kate got a 6.2 (“Kate, why was your endurance so terrible?” “I kept laughing”). These are no ordinary civilians, of course, so their scores are probably higher than average. My scores have ranged from 8.6 (a bad day) to 9.9 (after jacking off).

The folks at Minna said I was the first person they’d heard of with scores that high. They tried to calibrate the scoring system so that the average test user — comprised of people at various stages in PC muscle strength — would score 5 out of 10. To increase the difficulty, they suggested I do the workout while standing up or doing squats.

Confirmed. Standing up makes the workout more difficult. But squats? Now you’ve gone too far.

The kGoal is fun, but it’s not without its issues. The toy is only splashproof, which is awkward when I go to clean the vag juice off it, and its battery life seems kind of shitty. The tip measures 1.5″ in diameter, making insertion potentially uncomfortable for the exact people who need this toy the most. It’s loud, so wearing it discreetly at the office is out of the question. The app is buggy.

And if orgasm is high on your priority list, look elsewhere. The kGoal’s vibrations are pleasant and useful, but with no way to manually the control them, they’re not sustained enough for orgasm. I only got off with this toy once, and I had to squeeze at max while pressing down on the clit arm to get pressure. The vibrations didn’t falter, thank gawd, with the death-grip I had on the toy. But a constant squeeze is tiring as fuck, not to mention impossible for a lot of people to achieve. The vibrations in the clitoral arm are buzzy, anyway — not very satisfying.

Even as a person unnaturally obsessed with the goings-on of my vagina, I would never pay $149 for the kGoal. With that price and considering its caveats, this toy is currently only worth it for a limited range of folks. It’s more for people wanting hardcore kegel boot camp — like those on a physical therapy regimen, or those who have found other kegel devices lacking. Vibrational learners. People deeply motivated by scores and progress charts.

To appeal to a wider audience and truly become “a FitBit for your vagina,” as it’s been widely reported, the kGoal needs more social features and motivational tools. For instance, according to a special badge in my girlfriend’s FitBit profile, they’ve taken so many steps they could have walked to Italy by now.

I, too, would like to work toward an achievement. If takes 500 kg of force to fracture someone’s skull, how many years will I need to diligently do kegels to create enough collective vaginal force to crush a single man’s head? Will I go to my grave without reaching this goal? I need to know.

Buy the kGoal at SheVibeGoodVibes, Babeland, Early to BedShe Bop, Come As You Are (Canada),
or directly from Minna with 10% off code EPIPHORA.

  1. I see which side they land on in the “keegul or kaygul” debate. []

Did this review help you? Consider purchasing your future sex toys
from one of my affiliate links to support my work!

Aug 222015

Pile of Hitachi Magic Wand RechargeablesDING — orgasm delivery!

That pile of vibrators over there is soon to be distributed to five lucky winners: Elsie, Angel, Elizabeth, Alice, and Jane! I hope all of you enjoy your Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeables as much as I enjoy mine!

This giveaway was a celebration of my 600th post on this blog, and also an opportunity for you to discuss which household objects you wish would become cordless and rechargeable. By far the most popular responses were vacuums and hair dryers. The most unique ideas were a margarita maker, heating pad, and waffle iron. Another entrant quipped, “this is the only cordless item I need to focus on owning tbh.”

So, if you didn’t win, I encourage you save your pennies and snag your own Magic Wand Rechargeable in the future. It’s a fabulous toy.

Thanks again to Good Vibrations for supplying the prizes, and thanks to everyone who entered!

Aug 082015

February 11, 2015

META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Aerie to read in the other room and thrust myself into my office for two quick orgasms with the Hitachi, which I desperately needed after a day of nonchalantly skipping through porn files and editing screenshots.

February 28, 2015

Left to right: OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure, L'Amourose Denia, Picobong Kaya, LELO Soraya, LELO Ina 2, AfterglowPlease, god, let this be the last time my vagina experiences the Afterglow and its laser light “technology.” Let this rabbit-infested masturbation nightmare end.

Determined to definitively disprove the veracity of the “PulseWave O” program (an 8-minute “journey designed to enhance arousal and help you achieve better and more frequent orgasms”), I endured it three times and paid special attention to my arousal and orgasm quality. Neither were better than I’d experience with any other disappointing rabbit vibe, as I then verified by testing the rest of the ones I own.

P.S. I HATE RABBITS. I kept cheating and pressing the Ina 2 against my clit like it was a Mona.

P.P.S. I got blood all over everything, but that is what the Afterglow deserves.

March 2015

Various attempts this month at testing the astoundingly unpleasurable Vibratex Princessa. Watched James Deen lick a girl’s eyeball. Had one of the worst orgasms of my life but published one of the greatest tweets of my life. I guess it evens out.

April 10, 2015

As part of an elite group of early testers for the Crave Flex and Duet Flex, I was given access to an online interface to adjust each setting on the vibes. NERD STATUS COMMENCE. I enjoyed making the vibes do my bidding, programming the steady mode to begin at 55% power (as it should be), eliminating all the space between pulses (FINALLY), and making the waves move faster and get increasingly stronger.

Programmed wave settings on the Crave Duet Flex vibrator

Putting my customizations on the vibe entailed downloading a VIBES.pat file, plugging the toy into my computer, and replacing the existing VIBES.pat. It took many, many adjustments before I found the winning combination, which I then uploaded for Crave so they could use the data to determine the final settings on the finished products.

April 23, 2015

On this day, I white whined on Twitter about being cold and not wanting to take off my pants to masturbate. A common problem for me, but the internet could not resist presenting me with ideas for rectifying my (not at all a) problem.

Seriously, I can see the vag gunk splattered all over the blanket now.

April 30, 2015

Queued up Cock Happy 3 because I wanted my Belladonna fix and laid out a thousand glass dildos for an afternoon masturbation session to solidify my thoughts on the Joyful Pleasure dildos. Is anyone else perturbed by how badly dudes in straight porn kiss? Seriously, their tongues are like snakes. I still love her scene with Sean Michaels, though. She rubs her vulva on his boots.

I had six orgasms or so. Not exaggerating. I had to work my way through all the dildos, like Jack in Titanic making his way through each piece of silverware around his plate.

May 1, 2015

Do you ever find a part of a porno so hot that you rewind and re-watch it until you come? That was me with this today. The moment was a mere 40 seconds long, which was problematic, but I love when dudes can’t control themselves and leave their pants on.


May 19, 2015

It began simply enough, as a quest to test the vibration longevity of the Magic Wand Rechargeable. I turned the toy on high and propped it up on a chair in my office like a strange puppet. But… the sound of it buzzing was kind of arousing. My clit has developed a Pavlovian response to the sound of a vibrator.

Queen Bee Empire

So I opened Queen Bee Empire. Yes, that is a donut pool floaty. This porno is so twee, so quaint, so queer, so hipster that it makes me feel less cool by the minute. But that’s okay; I appreciate attention to detail, and the people are hot.

Queen Bee Empire

I was really into this solo scene because it was cut with shots of the subject’s fantasies, which included people skateboarding, squirting, buzzing their hair off, and licking popsicles. Also, THAT FRAMING.

Queen Bee Empire


If, like me, you feel great concern over the eventual location of that lollipop, you will be happy to know that a condom was rolled over it before someone used it in another person’s ass.

At this point I’d had two orgasms and I knew the Magic Wand Rechargeable had to be nearing the end of its lifespan, but I tempted fate and kept masturbating anyway. Its light started blinking red at me. That can’t be good, I thought absent-mindedly. About three minutes later as I started to come, NO JOKE, AT EXACTLY THAT MOMENT, the battery died and the toy abruptly stopped vibrating.

I definitely whimpered and whined like a wounded puppy.

June 7, 2015

On vacation with sex blogger friends, we scattered like cockroaches to masturbate in our respective rooms… and continued to chat on the internet the entire time. My Crash Pad stream was buffering really slowly, so I instant messaged them and they graciously closed their porn tabs. True friends!

I was equipped with Penny’s Svakom Siime vibrator, better known as the vagcam because it has a camera on the end of it, and a speculum to help me take a halfway-decent video of the inside of my vagina. I also had Girly Juice’s Womanizer, a toy that’s supposed to mimic sucking on your clit.

Trying all these weirdo things at once was probably a bad idea, plus the mid-day light from the window was coming in RIGHT INTO MY EYE and reflecting off my laptop screen back so I couldn’t see the porn, and the Womanizer sounded like a robotic vacuum, and the speculum felt like a speculum, and the vagcam had to be held still and pointed correctly…

Perhaps needless to say, my orgasm wasn’t very good. And thus, the resulting vagcam video is uninspiring — you can barely see any contractions at all.

June 16, 2015

While masturbating sitting up at my desk, I went to type something and the glass dildo started slipping out of my vag. I caught it quickly between my thighs. Nice save, me.

July 13, 2015

Clockwise from bottom left: Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug, njoy Pure Plug, Fun Factory Boosty, Fun Factory Bootie, Fun Factory B BallsSpent hours with the Fun Factory B Balls in my ass, watching some hot forced cunnilingus in James Deen’s 7 Sins: Envy and testing the Revel Body SOL.

A couple orgasms later, I had a ridiculous idea: to stuff my vagina full of kegel balls, filling both my genital cavities with balls.

I felt so jiggly. Like a horse at Christmas time.

There were people over when I went to empty my orifices, and I had visions of someone walking in on me as I pulled the vag-juice-dripping balls out of my body, so I locked my bathroom door for potentially the first time ever.

Afterward, I felt so blissfully empty.

Jul 312015

This is the 600th post on this blog. I got all sentimental when I hit 500 posts, so this time I’m going to put the champagne down, hold back my tears, and give you something better: orgasms.

Some may doubt that I can give away orgasms. Orgasms aren’t for sale and don’t come in a box… usually. But the recently-released Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable is an exception. I feel confident that most people who touch this vibrator to their genitals will have an orgasm. It is a beast of epic vibrational proportions, so good that when I hang out with sex blogger friends who have yet to experience it, I try to wheedle them into using mine.

Each time, they have fallen in love.

A pile of Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrators, as it should be.

You need one too. This powerful vibrator is a vast improvement over its legendary, and also awesome, predecessor. Great for quick orgasms, as a finisher during a long session, or any time you are feeling lazy — the Magic Wand Rechargeable will have your back. Especially considering it lasts 4.5 hours on a charge.

Because I’m me, I couldn’t just give away one Magic Wand Rechargeable. Oh no. So I reached out to Good Vibrations and they generously agreed to donate FIVE. Yes, five lucky winners will get orgasms delivered straight to their doors! Act now!!!

This will be a simple giveaway, as straightforward as the orgasms you’ll get with this toy. Subscribe to my blog to unlock other modes of entry, such as commenting on this post (which household object do you wish would go cordless and rechargeable?) and following me on various social media.

Enter below or visit the giveaway’s landing page. Thanks again to Good Vibes for donating!

This giveaway is open to entrants in the U.S. and Canada only.
Giveaway ends at 11:59 p.m. PST on Tuesday, August 18th, 2015.

Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable giveaway!

Jul 282015

Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug and Fun Factory B Balls kegel ball anal plugsI can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea first. Rolly kegel balls in a butt plug? Oh yes. Years ago. You can imagine my delight when not one but two companies came out with products closely following my vision.

You can imagine my despair when both of them failed me.

The Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug was the first to let me down. First with the name, because NO. Second with the “diamond” base. Chintzy and laughable, it looks like one of those fake mirrors a Barbie would hold.

But mostly with the sensation. The Geisha Plug’s bulb is smaller than a marshmallow, so it’s easily inserted… but something feels immediately, persistently wrong, because there’s a seam all around the base of the bulb. A fucking SEAM.

Asses are notoriously receptive to the smallest of intricacies, and mine is no different. Some days, the seam is unpleasant but tolerable. Other days, it’s completely insufferable and painful. The cool rolly ball stimulation is present if I move, but it tends to be overshadowed by discomfort. Any time I clench around the Geisha Plug I can feel the seam — not precisely, but it registers as a sensation that has no right to be happening to my ass.

Do not pass my sphincter, do not collect $200.

I’m so mad, because with both these plugs, the feeling of the inner balls rattling around is nice. The copious nerve endings of the butt make it more pronounced than I get with even the jiggliest of vaginal kegel balls. And, ya know, some people don’t have vaginas, and they too deserve options for jiggly goodness and kegel exercise.

But I can’t recommend the Fun Factory B Balls either. With the first ball inserted, I’m happy. It feels great. I’m ready to run a marathon.1 When I maneuver the second ball inside, though, things go south.

It’s a tragic combination of rigidity, texture, and 4.5″ of insertable length. My butt isn’t a fan of length, plus the B Balls are stiff and adorned with raised slivers of plastic. I get it, it’s a design choice, it’s a splash of color… but this is a toy for butts, guys! Crevasses are not your friend! For cleaning as well as sensation!

The inner rolling ball feels awesome. It really does. I do a weird butt wiggle at my desk and I can feel it. Dramatically stomping across the room will do it. When I’m not moving, though? The uncomfortable aspects of the plug creep back into my awareness. Something’s not right. It’s like hearing ominous music in a horror movie, but without any reprieve or payoff. Just a lingering sense of uneasiness.

There’s no way I’d leave the B Balls in for an extended period of time, and they’re not something I can just casually pop in my ass. It takes a lot of work. So much work that, in all of my testing, there have only been a couple times I’ve been able to fully insert the B Balls without wussing out and removing them 30 seconds later. (Seriously, that length fucking ruins me.)

Never one to miss a genital opportunity, though, I stuffed some kegel balls in my vagina when the B Balls were in my ass — just to experience the jiggliest jiggle that ever jiggled. That was pretty epic, feeling like a Thanksgiving turkey, but I was relieved when I availed my orifices of the toys.

That sense of relief, that realization that my ass preferred nothing at all to both of these plugs, tells you everything. But I’ll take a few more questions from the audience.

  • Sure, the base of the B Balls is comfortable, but its short length concerns me — especially for advanced anal players.
  • These plugs are terrible vaginally, so don’t even think about it.
  • There’s not much else on the market like these products, unfortunately.
  • Please don’t put kegel balls in your ass.
  • No. Not even “just to see.”

My dream kegel ball butt plug does not yet exist. The Geisha Plug’s horrible construction causes an aching ass, and another reviewer found that the silicone peeled off after some water got under it. It’s marginally possible that B Balls could work for someone whose ass is accustomed to length and texture, but mine is a delicate flower. It’s not a champion like my vagina.

At this point in time, vaginal kegel balls, like my faves the LELO Luna Beads, are far more comfortable and much more suited to long-term wear than either of these plugs. Vagina-havers win this round. I wish I had better news, butt people.

  1. Okay, maybe walk around the block. []

Did this review help you? Consider purchasing your future sex toys
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Jul 102015

Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce.

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?

The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. The labia loses its turgidity due to reduced elasticity and the colour loses intensity due to alteration of the superficial vascularization and it becomes increasingly dry.

. . . Thanks to the aesthetic treatment it will allow you to forget the passing of the years, rejuvenating the sexual organ and increasing lubrication. Aurora will not show benefits only on the beauty of body but it will ensure better functionality to the vagina.

Damnit, I wanted to watch the video of my 16th birthday party, but I just can’t look at younger me anymore without thinking about my deteriorating vulva! If only she’d known then what I know now! If only she hated herself more!

Just to drill the idea home, another part of their site helpfully reminds us that “from about the age of twenty genital organ begins slow changing process.” Because yes, I should always strive to preserve the same vulva I had when I wore sticky vinyl pants from Hot Topic, spent my time crafting the perfect away message, and constantly used the retort “your mom goes to college.”

I literally have never in my life thought about my labia needing to be “rosy” and “firm.” I’m pretty sure my labia were never “rosy” or “firm.” I’m pretty sure that’s pretty racist. This is what I imagine when I hear about labia being “rosy” and “firm”:

I had to actually hunt for a pocket pussy that had labia as "firm" as this

And regarding the “dry” comment, how about we just use lube, because that’s literally why it exists? How about we stop using the word “functionality,” as if vulvas are motorcycles that we must keep in working order for their cocky male owners? How about we just love our bodies, because that’s what we deserve?

Christ. I thought the faux technology of the Afterglow was bad, but at least that toy combined its useless lasers with vibrations. The Aurora doesn’t. even. fucking. vibrate. AND IT COSTS $850.

For that kind of money, you could buy a veritable bouquet of lifechanging sex toys. Or, you could just cross your fingers and fruitlessly shoot laser beams at your vulva.

You know Lowe’s website was tailor made for “women” because it includes photos of the Aurora next to wine, candles, flowers, make-up, and not-at-all-suggestive clocks. There’s even a “wedding” section which offers color palette inspiration and encourages you to buy the Aurora for a bride-to-be. Because nothing says “your vulva will become a saggy, wrinkly mess in no time and your husband will leave you” like a laser therapy sex toy!

Even better: Lowe’s blog mixes sex education articles (“Sex in the water, is it safe?”) with recipes for “mini cheesecakes” and “asparagus with cupid sauce” (which sounds like a gag-inducing euphemism for jizz). One ominous post title reminds us, in what I imagine to be a creepy whisper, “time is passing… even in intimacy.”

This is some top notch blogging. Here are some more blog post ideas for you, Lowe, free of charge:

  • The Perfect Cake to Bake While Sulking About Your Vaginal Elasticity
  • Why You’ll Only Get the Wedding of Your Dreams If Your Labia are Perky and the Exact Right Shade of Pink
  • 5 Meals to Cook For Your Husband To Make Up For Your Barely-Passable Vulva

What I hate even more than the “your vulva is ugly” bullshit is the way this toy is marketed as a self-love device. “Aurora is an accessory that is wholly dedicated to the woman,” the site explains. “Enjoy yourself. Just for the pleasure of it.”

Wholly dedicated to the woman. Yeah. As if we can’t see right through that shit. As if we’re going to enjoy ourselves while laser beaming our vulvas to make them more socially acceptable.

It reminds me of every Dove campaign ever made. So disingenuous, so obviously false. None of us are born hating our vulvas. Society does that for us. Lowe stands to profit from telling people they are broken — and no amount of staged photos or delicious recipes will cover that up.

Jul 082015

I have a proposition for you, peeps. If you’ve ever wanted to start a sex blog, or take your current sex blog to a higher level of awesome…

The Business of Blogging About Sex

…let me teach you how! This October, I’m teaming up with expert sex writer JoEllen Notte (Redhead Bedhead) for a four-week interactive online class on the business of blogging about sex! We will spill all the insider secrets we’ve amassed in our decade of combined experience sex blogging. Having turned our one-time hobbies into profitable online businesses, we have our share of triumphs and horror stories — and we’re champing at the bit to share them with you.

I taught a version of this class last year with Lauren Marie Fleming, and it was a rousing success. Attendees said very nice things afterward, such as “this course was worth every red cent” and “I learnt more about myself, and my writing, doing this four week course, than I did in my entire first semester of University.” I fucking loved teaching and interacting with the students, and I can’t wait to do it again.

Early bird pricing ($80 off!) ends in just one week, on July 15th, and space is limited, so I suggest you sign up as soon as you can. Payment plans are available through the end of July; email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail.com for details.

We’ll tackle new topics each week, such as how to set up your site, pinpoint your niche, publish captivating content, obtain products for review, build a loyal following, use social media to your advantage, and much more. Since dildos can’t pay your bills, we’ll also spend a week discussing avenues for blog monetization, including affiliate links, banner advertising, and sponsored posts.

30+ guest instructors for The Business of Blogging About Sex!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. In addition to instruction and personalized feedback from JoEllen and I, students will be treated to tidbits of advice from over 30 successful industry leaders, including Tristan Taormino, Erika MoenRachel Kramer Bussel, Jiz Lee, Sunny Megatron, Sinclair Sexsmith, Emily Nagoski, Metis BlackCharlie Glickman, Joan Price, Elle Chase (Lady Cheeky), Cara Sutra, Dangerous Lilly, and Girly Juice. Holy shit. I’m so pumped.

There will also be a photography tutorial and critique from ace blog photographer Penny of Penny For Your (Dirty) Thoughts, plus two private video hangouts with JoEllen and I, where you’ll meet our pets and we’ll answer all your blogging questions with brutal honesty.

It’s going to be the best, okay? You should enroll.

Remember: payment plans are only available through the end of July! Go go go!