Feb 122017


This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600.

How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I changed my tactic completely: I switched to plastic drawers. Several of them. I loved the organization they afforded me, but my “office,” which was literally just a corner of my apartment’s living room at the time, was becoming cramped.

A video posted by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

When I bought my house, I was most excited to finally have a real office, a place to stow my sex toys without subjecting every visitor to their presence. There was no question which room would be my office: the one with the larger, walk-in closet. Clothing could go wherever, elsewhere. This closet was a toy shrine waiting to happen. My mom insisted we paint the closet chartreuse, to match the rest of the room. The joy I felt on moving day, when I planted my drawers in the closet and stepped back and saw how much space was still left… it was exquisite.

Several months later, my dad came over and helped me add shelves to the closet. We arranged them meticulously to accommodate the drawers I already had. The lights — a mix of thrift store string lights and theater-like strips from IKEA — were the finishing touch that brought everything together. They not only cast helpful light on drawer contents, they’re also romantic as fuck. My first thought: I want someone to come make out with me in my closet. (#goals.)

You’re entranced, I know, by my over-the-door shoe organizer. This is where I keep toys I’m currently reviewing or have obtained recently. I chose that particular organizer because the pockets were mesh instead of sticky plastic. Each slot actually has two pockets — useful for separating toys from their manuals and chargers. On the doorknobs I hang nipple clamps, ’cause why not, and tote bags from Smitten Kitten (“This Bag is Full of Sex Toys”), Early to Bed, and New York Toy Collective.

A herd of plastic storage drawers. Perfect depth for sex toys.

The over-the-door organizer is great, but the true crux of my sex toy storage remains my beloved Iris 6-drawer cart. Inexpensive and perfectly-sized, each drawer is deep enough to hold 1-2 layers of toys, so nothing gets terribly buried. I separate toys by type, material, and sometimes company, but I also group less satisfactory toys together (“meh dildos”) and have designated drawers for toys that haven’t seen enough action (“vibes to try”).

The cart with the three deeper drawers has a unique origin story. One July evening in 2013, I was walking back to my apartment and spied a plastic storage cart on the sidewalk with a FREE sign on it. As a descendant of my thrifty1 grandpa, I could not resist. I hauled the cart back to my apartment, hoisted it into my shower, and started washing it out… where I was spooked half to death several times by spiders crawling out of its depths.

Dildo drawers in my sex toy closet.

It was all worth it, though, because those drawers are deep enough to allow me to store many of my Vixen dildos upright,2 and to easily stash my obscene number of Tantus toys. As you see here, my drawers conveniently demonstrate the fact that 100% silicone toys do not melt when stored together. That is a myth, no matter what you read on Tumblr.

Tucked just inside the closet, in the corner, is the behemoth that is the Sybian, collecting dust until a new friend wishes to experience it and be disappointed. On top of the carts on the floor there’s a box full of manuals, my “come rag” towel, and two Liberator Throes.

Top shelves in my sex toy closet.

On the very tip-top shelf, I keep miscellaneous sex toy packaging (always telling myself I’ll find a use for it, yet never finding a use for it), paperwork and fan mail, books and magazines, my heavy-duty Tunti Toybox, and of course, my original For Your Nymphomation cases, which have seen better days at this point but serve as out-of-sight-out-of-mind repositories for crappy toys (“exiled vibes”) and unneeded chargers.

Chargers I actually use, dutifully tagged with masking tape and secured with twisty ties, live in the stack of drawers on the right (not pictured). This unit also contains extra storage bags (which I generally don’t use), my business cards, lube samples, and other swag — such ridiculous branded items as Fun Factory purse hooks and Christmas ornaments, glow-in-the-dark LELO slap bracelets, AVN condoms, and tiny tubes of bubbles from Bubble Love. ~Marketing~.

Along with the sex toy reviewer’s requisite baby wipes and sturdy paper towels, there’s my swap box — toys I want to get rid of. I also have my friend’s old Pleasure Purse, perfect for sex dates as it holds a massive amount of toys, and my safer sex kit in this excellent “evidence” pouch.

Main shelf of my sex toy closet, complete with knitted vulva.

My favorite spot in the closet is the main shelf. I have all kinds of cute objects here: a NYTC patch, bouquet from Aerie, books I’m in, extra lube on top of a Fun Factory Toybox, coaster from Penny, knitted vulvatiny strap-on, Early to Bed vinyl bag. I display a few weird sex toys, such as the Pretty Kitty, cupcake butt plug, and the worst dildo I’ve ever used. I also have a pile of tiny dildos and other mini sex toy doodads, and a few dildos in their original tubes.3

The rest of my office is still a work in a progress, but this closet has finally become what I always envisioned: my own little sex toy museum.

You may be wondering, hey, isn’t it inconvenient to have all your sex toys in a room that isn’t your bedroom? Sometimes, yeah. It’s not fun hustling half-naked from my bedroom to my office to acquire the necessary toys mid-sex. But most of my sex toy use is done in my office anyway, sitting at my desk watching porn and jacking off. I still keep my very favorite toys in my desk, in the compartment where the computer brain is supposed to go, so they’re close at hand.

Welcome. Please step inside my sex toy closet.

Theoretically, I can close the closet door and quickly sanitize the room if, say, a dude has to come install new internet in my office. This only works if all my toys are put away, though, with none on my desk itself, none charging on my charging station, and none left dirty or clean in the dish rack. It’s unlikely, but it’s possible.

Most of the time, though, I don’t want to hide anything away. Now that my sex toys are not strewn about my living room, now that they’re contained, I want to show them off. It seems like whenever we hold a party at my house, a small group of attendees will ask if we can steal away to my office and ogle my collection. It’s an unusual use for a closet, and my job is an unusual one, but after a few minutes of explanation, most people can see it for what it is: something I love, something I’m proud of, and something I want to share with the world.

  1. That’s putting it nicely considering he used to swipe towels and boxes of Kleenex from my great-grandma’s nursing home… []
  2. This is recommended to prevent the bases from warping over time, which has happened to my poor Outlaw. []
  3. Leo, Mustang, and Maverick. []
Jan 282017
Review: Mystic Wand Rechargeable

It’s a let-down, but not in the “my clit is screaming” way. Not in the “orgasm seems like an impassable river” way, or even in the “these vibrations feel like death” way. But in the manageably sad way, like your car stereo breaking right before a big road trip. Not apocalyptic, but less than ideal. I expected to love this vibrator, but you know what happens when your hopes are high: they get dashed.

The Vibratex Mystic Wand Rechargeable weakens under the weight of comparison. It cannot outshine its competitors or its predecessor. Its shape bears similarities to other sex toys that surpass it; its name sets up promises it cannot keep. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 162017
A trans woman's orgasm savior: the (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, with its robust vibrations and large head, is known as an effective vibrator for all sorts of genital configurations. The release of a rechargeable version was met with much (deserved) fanfare, which only bolstered my desire for more people to experience this fantastic toy. So I reached out to Zinnia Jones, trans activist, writer, sex toy user, and creator of Gender Analysis, to see if she wanted to try it. Zinnia was already a fan of the original Magic Wand, so SheVibe graciously sent her the Magic Wand Rechargeable[. . . read the rest]

Dec 312016
Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2016

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older lists!]

2016 has been a trying, infuriating, exhausting year, and it seems trivial to jump straight to sex toys without acknowledging that. But this is also a year in which we’ve needed to learn how to remain resolute amidst unbelievable pain. To laugh at the absurdity of our world. And if you want absurdity, oh, look no further than my life.

This was my ninth year reviewing sex toys for all the internet to see. This year, among other things, I perverted a soap dispenser into a lube dispenser, let other people control my vibrator over the internet, and played vaginal Chubby Bunny with tiny silicone dildos. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 172016
Review: Eva

I’ve never told you much about my labia, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I’d describe my outer labia as puffy, yet unobtrusive. My inner labia? Visible but modest. Usually, my labia don’t cross my mind often… but then the Dame Eva came along, and suddenly I was digging around in there like a raccoon foraging through the garbage.

Engineered with the wishful thinking that the vulva is merely a puzzle to be solved, Eva is a rechargeable vibrator with flexible arms that tuck under the labia to secure the toy to one’s vulva, against the clitoris. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 232016
Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Some people might argue that mashed potatoes and gravy are the best thing about this time of year, but I’d argue that freakishly good sex toy deals win out. You can put both in your orifices, yes, but food is temporary, and high-quality dildos are forever. Also, I don’t recommend gravy as a lubricant. In case your mind was going there. Mine was.

The point is that if you have been waiting for a good price on the sex toy of your dreams, now is when you should bite the bullet. I watch sales and deals all year long, but this is when retailers tend to pull out all the stops. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 232016
Sex toys for all giveaway winners

I’m exhausted, y’all. Turns out, awarding over 50 sex toy prizes to over 50 different people is tiring! But I’m also stunned and humbled: over 5,000 individual human beings entered my huge annual giveaway. Thank you, all of you, especially those who left sappy comments on the post. I know I bribed you into saying nice things, but every nice thing still means a lot to me.

I wish I could give all of you the sex toys of your dreams, but at least Black Friday is this week, and I vow to faithfully keep you updated on the best sex toy deals in all the land. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 182016
Review: Rave

It was 10:15 am, just a bit before I needed to leave for work, when the We-Vibe Rave arrived in the mail. I was already dressed — pants, shirt, shoes. My hair was wet from a shower. I’d already had one orgasm that morning, in bed with my fingers after a hot dream, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t have my glasses on yet, but there was no time for that. Nor was there time to give the vibrator an initial charge.

I took the Rave straight out of its packaging, turned it on, and unbuttoned my pants. I pulled up some porn on my laptop, shoved my underwear to the side, and pressed the vibrator against my clit in a blurry-eyed haze. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 062016
Sex toy news: a blowjob dildo and biodegradable vibrators (?!)

Let’s start with the most amazing news in recent history: THERE IS FINALLY A NEW BLOWJOB DILDO. Some of you might remember Mr. Man, which has been out of production for ~7 years. This new take is similar: hollow in the middle, with an opening on each end to transfer suction from the head to the wearer’s genitals. Right now it can be found at Early to Bed and She Bop. I’ll also be reviewing it, once I put it through its paces.

I’m notoriously Not That Into “couples” toys like the We-Vibe, but even this jaded bitch over here can appreciate the changes they’ve made in the We-Vibe Sync. [. . . read the rest]