Ever since the line of Sex in a Can Fleshlights came out, I’ve wanted to snag one for my boyfriend. I figured, since he loves his original Fleshlight, he’d clearly love a shrunken version. With teeth. And pale skin. And a fang-like texture on the inside.

Yeah, I know. I was asking for it.

The Succu Dry is shaped like an energy drink, but it certainly won’t pass for one — it’s bigger and, uh, has an intense vampire woman on the front. It says “1 pint” on it, but if it were actually a drink, it would be more like 20 or 22 ounces. It’s smaller than regular Fleshlights, of course, but due to the label, it’s far more flamboyant. The diameter of the plastic can is 2 3/4 inches, and it stands about 7 3/4″ tall.

The sleeve itself, made of Fleshlight’s signature SuperSkin, is a pale peach color. The lips and teeth are creepily realistic. Sometimes I catch myself wheedling the teeth between my fingers, just because they’re so pliable (and I’m such a creep). When you take the sleeve out of the case and compare it to a regular Fleshlight sleeve, it’s cute in its smallness.

But as it turns out, smaller is not always better — at least for my boyfriend. He contends that there is such a thing as too tight, and the Succu Dry falls into that category.

My boyfriend’s first try with the Succu Dry was a disaster. He couldn’t feel the fangs and couldn’t get any thrusting going at all. He deemed the toy a complete failure. Always the annoying girlfriend, I told him to try again with a different lube. He had used the very thick Maximus the first time, so I gave him the very thin Kama Sutra Love Liquid instead.

Success! He was able to finally thrust into the Succu Dry. It seems that a thinner lube is necessary so that it can ooze between the crevasses.

But still, he doesn’t really care for the sensation. It’s very, very tight (a lot tighter than the original), made especially tight by the fang texture. The fangs don’t feel pointy, he says, because they get flattened by thrusting — they feel more like bumps or nubs. He likes the texture better than the “twista” texture of his Tera Patrick Fleshlight, but he likes Tera Patrick better in general because it’s not as tight as the Succu Dry. Because of the extreme tightness, moving the Succu Dry up and down one’s cock takes a lot of forearm strength, which is annoying.

The suction when the end of the Succu Dry is closed is very intense, almost to the point of rendering the toy inoperative. The boyfriend much prefers to loosen the cap. But sometimes when the cap is loosened or removed, the sleeve will wheeze loudly while being used. This wheezing does not occur with the bigger Fleshlights.

Obviously, cock size will play a role in whether the Succu Dry feels tight, so for the first time, my boyfriend measured his girth. Turns out he is girthier than average, at 5.5″ in circumference (1.75″ in diameter). However, men with long penises could also have trouble, since the can without the top is only about 6 inches long; if you’re 6″ or longer, you’ll be hitting a wall.

One upside to the Succu Dry is that, unlike the bigger Fleshlights, the sleeve can be turned inside out for cleaning. As with any Fleshlight, only water should be used to cleanse your man-juices from the sleeve. To keep the SuperSkin soft, it should be powdered periodically with corn starch.

If your motto is “the tighter the better,” then the Succu Dry will be your dream come true. But of my boyfriend’s three Fleshlights, the Succu Dry is his least favorite. He notes that if the Succu Dry were the only Fleshlight he’d ever tried, “then I would think it was the best sleeve ever” (his Fleshlight-love in general is pretty strong). But since that’s not the case, the original Fleshlight is “so much better that it’s not even funny.”

Thanks, Babeland!

February 9th, 2010

Dear diary, today I learned that masturbation while drunk is really fucking annoying. I spent most of the night in a chatroom with Britni and Carnivalesq, shooting the breeze about Lady Gaga, American Idol, and the mind-blowing pick-up line that Britni got on a dating website: “I want to lay on top of you and pretend that I am flying.” I was drinking peppermint schnapps, but still fantasizing about my new green dildo. So at one point I dropped out of the conversation, turned on PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck, and did what can only be described as a sad attempt to get myself off.

I started out with the Eroscillator, but uncharacteristically went up to level 3 almost immediately. Then I introduced the green dildo, but I couldn’t even discern if it was hitting my G-spot or not. I quickly became dissatisfied with the level of stimulation of the two toys, so I swapped them out for the NobEssence Seduction and the Wahl. Eventually I came — a long, satisfying orgasm after a long, obnoxious masturbatory journey. Jacking off while drunk: never again.

February 12th, 2010

The day of reckoning. Carnivalesq and I both had our hands on River Rock Women’s Prison, and we were poised to watch it simultaneously. We were ready to see mind-blowingly hot prison sex, and acting on par with The Shawshank Redemption. What we got was music video editing, shitty “authentic” prison lighting, and unrealistic prison scenarios (such as painted toenails, nice mattresses, and a cell door opening on its own for one’s lover to walk through it and SEDUCE).

Carnivalesq: WARDEN SEX
Epiphora: the american flag is problematic
Carnivalesq: I cannot haz sex with flags
Epiphora: wait a sec
Epiphora: she was wearing a CORSET to WORK?
Carnivalesq: yes
Epiphora: realistic
Carnivalesq: WHERE DID THAT HITACHI COME FROM
Epiphora: BUSINESS IS MEANT
Epiphora: SHE JUST HAS IT IN HER OFFICE DUH

At one point, we were so bored we started discussing who we would cast in a Lost porn spoof. (Evan Stone as Sawyer? I think so.)

At another point, we were traumatized by the worst sex face to ever be committed to tape.

Epiphora: that just scarred me.
Carnivalesq: SHE IS LIKE ZOMBIE DYKE WTFFF
Carnivalesq: OK, I get if you make that face
Carnivalesq: But someone along the way tells you
Carnivalesq: And you keep your ass outta porn

Seriously, ???????????????????????

February 13th, 2010

I watched the first scenes of Billy Castro Does the Mission. Hot tub sex, hell yes. I used my new Jimmyjane Form 2 for the first time, and the oscillating vibration pattern blew my freaking mind. Normally, vibration patterns do very little for me. Not so with this one. This one changed my mind about what vibration patterns can do.

February 22nd, 2010

Sudden, unplanned, synchronized porn watching! This time with the rest of Billy Castro Does the Mission. It’s kinda creepy, actually, how much Carnivalesq and I agree on what’s hot and what’s not hot in porn. Wrestling: hot. Passivity: not hot.

As weird as it sounds, I really enjoy watching synchronized porn while chatting, because I end up typing a lot more, and thus I am able to watch more of the porn before I come. This time, I was able to try several vibrators — the Jimmyjane Little Chroma, Bswish Bcurious, and Form 2 — to compare vibration strength. The Form 2 won, most definitely.

February 24th, 2010

That G-spot orgasm made my eyes water. Jesus.

February 27th, 2010

That clitoral orgasm caused me to dribble again. Jesus.

So Billy Castro, hottie extraordinaire of Bordello and Speakeasy, now has his own film. It’s called Billy Castro Does the Mission, for obvious reasons. In it, he wanders around the Mission having sex with any woman he can get his hands on. Four, in all.

After a jack-off session on a weightlifting bench, Billy wanders out onto the street, where he finds Dylan Ryan stealing his bike. Obvious answer to this? Follow her and have frantic, slightly angry sex with her in a hot tub. I don’t care if this makes sense — it’s awesome. Billy’s attitude — something along the lines of “you stole my bike; I will cut you. Wait, you are incredibly hot… I will cut you with my dick” — works very well. There is slapping, splashing, squirting, and definite chemistry in this scene, and how can you beat hot tub sex?

Well, maybe by fucking Jiz Lee on a hardwood floor. Billy goes to Jiz’s apartment, where they play Wii. Obvious follow-up to a round of Mario Kart? Wrestling, dry humping, choking, and black gloves. The chemistry between these two is unbeatable. Picture this: puddle of female ejaculate on hardwood floor; Jiz writhing and wriggling in it. Um, yeah. And a finale of Jiz raining down her ejaculate on Billy’s face. Basically, this movie could’ve been called Billy Castro Does the Jiz and consisted of four scenes of Billy and Jiz doin’ it, and I would’ve been way happy.

But that is not to be. There are two more scenes, neither of which live up to the first two. In the third scene, Billy happens upon Akira Raine putting a mattress in a U-Haul, so they close up the U-Haul and fuck inside. And it’s really boring, because Akira does the exact same thing she did in her scene with Puck — she lays there and moans. Granted, if I were being mauled by Billy Castro I’d probably just lay there and bask in it too, but that is why I am not a pornstar. In every other scene in this film, the performers talk to each other. In this scene, not at all. It’s just not fun or arousing.

In the final scene, Billy returns home to his “girlfriend,” Lorelei Lee. The scene begins fabulously, with Lorelei dominating Billy and smothering him with her pussy (one of my favorite porno positions of all time!). But it isn’t long before Lorelei’s monotonous moaning creeps into the picture. At one point, I realized her moaning sounds like neighing. After that, I was finished. And by then, I was sick of seeing fingering anyway.

So, I’m half and half on Billy Castro Does the Mission. Two scenes are amazing, and squirting is abundant, thanks to Billy’s handiwork. But the other two are boring, and I wouldn’t want to watch them again. Also, I have a little request for Billy: tone down the mangrunts and start talking! You have one of the sexiest voices I’ve ever heard; I want — no, need — to hear that voice talking dirty during scenes. Plz and thx.

I think Fun Factory is definitely onto something with the Cobra Libre. I’ve been wondering when someone would harness the power of vibrations in a penis-oriented toy, and here it is, right before my eyes:

The Cobra Libre isn’t meant to envelope the entire cock, but rather to focus on stimulating the head. And with DUAL MOTORS that operate independently, I have no doubt it will do that fantastically. My recent experience with dual motors convinces me of this.

Fun Factory boasts:

Two powerful motors release pulsing vibrations just underneath the sensitive penis glans providing right-on-the-spot stimulation . . . The sporty, ergonomic shape of this exclusive toy for men promises easy handling and thanks to the CLICK ‘N’ CHARGE loading technology, pit stops are short and efficient.

I have seen the future, and it consists of rechargeable, waterproof, non-porous masturbatory cars.

Personally, I think Fun Factory’s taking the car motif a little too far, but at least they didn’t go the predictable route and and make it look like a creepy mouth. That would’ve been so easy to do, but they resisted. Thank goodness.

Reading The Big Book of Sex Toys, I learned that it’s hard to read a book about subject I already know like the back of my hand. Also a subject I’m snooty and picky about. Also a subject that I believe no book could ever adequately cover unless I wrote it myself. And even that is iffy.

The Big Book of Sex Toys is written by Tristan Taormino, a pornographer/sex educator/badass whom I greatly respect and admire. It is meant to introduce the reader to every kind of sex toy, and it does this extremely well. It offers detailed and comprehensive descriptions of toys, all broken down into manageable categories such as “wearable vibrators” and “cock rings.” Tristan does an excellent job of describing how toys work, even when it comes to complicated ones like the SaSi.

The writing style in The Big Book is very straightforward, with no stupid puns or unfunny jokes, but because of this, it lacks pizazz. It’s not boring, but it’s not fascinating or incredibly engaging. There are very few personal anecdotes or references to others’ experiences. Above all, the book’s focus is on describing the different categories of toys. This would be a lot more useful to a person just discovering sex toys; for me, it’s uninteresting.

There were several aspects of the book that I appreciated a lot:

• The ongoing “Perfect Pairing” feature, which lists positions that go well with specific toys (Spoon + Hitachi, Lap Dance Position + Eroscillator, etc).
• Tristan’s answer to the oft-asked, “can I get addicted to my vibrator?”, which is mostly “no,” but includes this excellent point: “sure, you can definitely grow accustomed to climaxing with the help of a vibrator, just as you can get used to coming in a certain position.”
• The general, though not too overt, favoring of non-porous materials, and the contention that toys made of inferior materials should be replaced at least once a year.
• The list “How to Shop with Mother Earth in Mind.”
• The advice that the Hitachi is probably not the best choice for a first vibrator.
• Many little anal safety tips about flared bases and such, and a much-needed tirade about anal numbing agents.

Specific toys are recommended, but not as frequently as I would’ve liked. Some recommendations made me shake my head (a strap-on vibrator? Really?), but most were fine. Often I felt like toys weren’t being recommended, exactly, but merely mentioned as members of whichever category was being discussed. This resulted in a noticeable lack of enthusiasm about particular toys that deserve it, like the Njoy Pure Wand. Which reminds me…

Glaring omissions, from a rabid sex toy reviewer:

• The Pure Wand is given a mere one sentence: “the Pure Wand is thicker than the Fun Wand and has a smooth, curvy U shape.” This does not satisfy me. The Pure Wand is like a G-spot honing missile, and needs to be recognized as such.
• Although the NobEssence Romp is pictured numerous times (and looks stunning), it is never mentioned in the text as the amazing toy it is.
• The Liberator Fascinator Throe, which is a life saver, is not mentioned at all.
• The Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness is never mentioned. This is blasphemous.
• No mention of the Lelo Luna Beads or Fun Factory Smartballs in the short vaginal exercisers section.

There are a couple other things that bothered me more and more as I read: the lack of queer representation in The Big Book, and a definite leaning toward accepted standards of beauty. This isn’t The Big Book of Erotic Photos, yet there are tons of them. There are even some fake boobs to be found, and a distressing ribcage that has no business assaulting me with its presence. The photos remind me of Cosmo spreads. Some of the photos feature sex toys, but some don’t. All of them feature model-skinny people, and whenever there’s a couple — they’re hetero. I’m sorry, but if a person is willing to buy a hardcover book called The Big Book of Sex Toys, I would think he/she/ze can deal with (and probably hopes for) some homo action.

There’s no doubt this book is geared toward straight, cisgendered couples. Although it is mainly written in second-person (“you”), it often implies that the reader is in a straight relationship. The first chapter, on sexual anatomy, covers male and female parts, and this distinction continues throughout the text. Even in the chapter on strap-ons, I was disappointed to see the male/female dynamic continually referenced. I understand that including other sexual orientations and gender identities can be delicate and grammatically difficult, but it would have been nice.

Enough of my bitching, though. The Big Book of Sex Toys sets out to explain sex toys, and that is what it does. It may not be the most interesting read, but it’s fairly comprehensive. I wouldn’t recommend it to those already familiar with the different types of sex toys, nor to those looking for emphatic product recommendations (hey, there are blogs for that!), but it would work well for someone who wants a far-reaching introduction to the land of sex toys — A.K.A. the point of no return.

[This is the second installment of Postcards from the Peanut Gallery! This feature chronicles my readers' experiences with toys I reviewed. If you want to tell me about yours, contact me.]

I’m not surprised that my insanely extensive and enthusiastic review of the Eroscillator resulted in several of my readers lusting after it. Sarahbear took the plunge and actually bought it; here’s what happened!

My husband and I read your review for the Eroscillator together. More than once you had almost convinced me to get the biggest package they offer but I couldn’t resist the coupon at EdenFantasys. It arrived the next day and I ripped open the packaging and shooed the kids out of the room.

It was time for some one on one with my Eroscillator.

I’m not a huge fan of porn, but since you convinced me to buy it I logged into my account on a website and impatiently hunted for something to make me horny. I couldn’t decide which of the attachments to use first. I tried the grapes and cockscomb first. Not quite what I was looking for. Then the fingertip. Ouch! It stuck to my pubes and pulled them. Not that one either. I put in the ball and cup, using the side with the three nubs to rub against my clit. It wasn’t long before I orgasmed. Hard. I was still a little disappointed though. I expected it to be explosive. It wasn’t until I tried to use another one of my clit vibrators that I realized how different and how awesome the Eroscillator was. I’ll be buying the other four attachments soon. I’m hoping they’re as awesome as you say they are.

I do have to disagree with you on one thing. I got the one without the extra power boost and I’m glad I did. I can’t even handle this thing on the second setting, let alone the third. I may have a really sensitive clit because if it had any more power I couldn’t use it at all! I am really glad I bought it and thank you so much for your really informative, honest review. It gave me everything I needed to know to make a decision about such a hefty investment in a sex toy.

Haha — first of all, I love that you had to watch porn because of me. Bad influence?! Secondly, I completely agree that other vibrators feel different in comparison. The more you use the Eroscillator, the more obvious the difference becomes.

I’m glad you didn’t need the power-boosted one. One day I will find an Eroscillator to compare mine to, and the truth about the power difference will be discerned!

The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is all about pomp and bravado. It has a stupidly long name, comes in a large box, and is endorsed by some random psychologist who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. It comes with five attachments, a storage bag, a manual, and a message: Fully Charge 8 Hours Before Initial Use. Excuse me while I go vomit. And… charge it, I guess.

I became interested in the Synergy after I fell in love with the Eroscillator. The Synergy resembles the Eroscillator, both in form (toothbrush) and in function (oscillating). Well, on paper it does. The reality is quite different.

I’m cruel, yes, but guys — I’m already on my second Synergy. The first one died after one 30-minute masturbation session. What’s more terrifying is that I’m not alone; according to reviews I’ve read, the Synergy just has a habit of dying on people. And you know how I feel about toys dying on me; it makes me twitchy and distrustful. But besides that, there are many more things about the Synergy that enrage me.

The first one is the attachments. The attachments are made of porous rubber (ew), yet they are hard as rocks. The biggest hoax is the “Rabbit Flutter” attachment, which is portrayed as similar to the clit stimulators on rabbits; uh, no, since the “ears” don’t actually move. But that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is how the attachments smell out of the box, and this really needs its own explanatory paragraph…

This is not fake cherry jelly dong smell. This is like… this smell should not be anywhere, let alone on a sex toy that is meant to touch genitals. As a snooty sex toy reviewer who avoids shitty materials, I feel ashamed that I have to write about how terrible a toy smells. It smells like a really grimy, disgusting auto repair shop, where a guy with a mullet has been smoking too much weed out back. Honestly, that scenario sounds a lot more pleasant than the smell actually is. It made me say “ugh” aloud when I smelled it. The smell was so repugnant that I still felt gross 10 minutes after smelling it.

Even after several washes, that horrific smell is still faintly noticeable on the attachments. Which leads me to believe that the smell is perhaps an innate part of the rubber. Hooray.

The Synergy is rechargeable, but not in the way you think. It actually comes with two nondescript C batteries in it, and when you plug it into the wall, it charges those batteries. This means that normal C batteries can be used in lieu of the rechargeables. It also means that the unit is fucking heavy. 9.3 ounces, in fact. The 8-ounce Eroscillator feels like a feather compared to the Synergy. That’s an exaggeration, but still — that extra 1.3 ounces makes a big difference.

After that first 8 hour charge, I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to charge it. One part of the manual says the Synergy takes “4-5 hours to fully recharge”; another section encourages me to charge it “6 hours minimum after each use”¹. There is no way of finding out the truth, since there is no charging light or indicator on the Synergy. So I guess I’m supposed to plug it in and take a wild guess at how long to charge it. Sweet!

Since the Synergy runs on batteries, it behaves like a battery-powered vibrator. The entire unit vibrates, so it’s annoying to hold. And this is where I become skeptical about whether it’s even oscillating. The Eroscillator has a little protruding shaft that oscillates — that’s what the attachments snap onto. But the Synergy doesn’t have that; the attachments just snap onto the body of the toy. And the “oscillations” feel very, very suspiciously like vibrations.

I know — you want to know how it feels. I’ll whisper it to you… I just wanted to put it many paragraphs in, because I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I don’t want to give the impression that this toy is worthwhile at all. But yes, it feels good. Irritatingly good. It’s not strong or anything, and all of the six speeds feel stupidly similar, but the rumbly vibrations feel good in their own little way. Rumbly vibrations, however, are nothing to get excited about — and certainly nothing to spend $100+ on. Rumbly vibrations can be found in most bullets/eggs. Yes, the cheap ones.

And oh, switching attachments — that’s sure a doozy! This is another aspect of the Synergy that made me use the verb “enrage” earlier. Removing the attachments requires twisting them and pulling them off at the perfect angle, OR ELSE. (Add some lube to the mix and this task becomes infuriatingly impossible.) If you don’t pull an attachment off at just the right angle, it will break apart. Each attachment’s base has a ring inside of it, and that ring will lodge itself onto the shaft so permanently that you will need pliers to remove it. (See photo.)

What else sucks? The push button controls are on the bottom. Seriously, what the hell is that about? Was this tested in actual human hands? I hold the middle, not the bottom. I should not have to pull the toy away from myself and re-position my hand just to change the vibration strength.

Since this thing bears an uncanny resemblance to the Eroscillator, I wanted to know why. After a little sleuthing (fine, emailing), I quickly found out that the first Eroscillator came out on the market in 1996, whereas the Synergy came out in 2004. Then I asked my contact at Eroscillator about the Synergy, and he confirmed what I had vaguely suspected: “We used to sell the Eroscillator through Adam & Eve (same company as Sinclair) and they decided to stop and create . . . the Synergy.”²

This explains why the Eroscillator is better than the Synergy in every possible way, and the distinction is well-documented. There’s even a side-by-side dissection of the Synergy and Eroscillator that points out the differences. And my theory about the “oscillations” being vibrations is supported by the dissection and this text: “[the Synergy] follows on most points the traditional vibrator concept; that of weight attached to a battery-operated rotational motor.” Uh, yeah, that’s vibrations.

It’s the complete lack of quality that sinks the Synergy. This vibrator is not worth $30, let alone $100+. If you don’t believe me, go poke around the internet. I promise you’ll find quite an array of dissatisfied Synergy users, including this particularly all-up-in-yo’-grill and very [sic] one: “I BELIEVE FOR YOUR MONEY THE EROSCILATOR PLUS IS STILL THE CADILAC OF THE OSCILATING PLEASERS.”

How can you argue with caps lock?

Thanks, Naughty & Discreet!

1. Both of these options are much longer than most high quality rechargeable toys, which usually charge for 2 hours or so. [↩]
2. Still not convinced? Check out this archived version of Adam & Eve’s site, from May of 2001. Right hand column, “Top 10 Best Sellers,” #7. [↩]

stones by Todd V. Wolfson

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

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