May 212016

LELO Siri 2 vibratorFINALLY. Fucking finally.

I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade.

The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof and have more power.”

Siri is finally fulfilling the destiny I always envisioned for it. It is now waterproof and indeed, it is more powerful. But because this is LELO in 2016, there must be an added “feature” nobody asked for: sound sensitivity. Thanks, guys, for giving me something to bitch about! Wouldn’t be right to go an entire review without yelling about some dumb gimmick, eh?

Aside from that music mode (which I will properly address in a bit), Siri 2 is almost exactly what I hoped it would be. Within just a few uses, this vibrator earned its place in the top drawer of my desk, along with my three Monas and Pure Wand — the upper echelon of my sex toy collection. It truly is a versatile and stimulating little bugger.

But I was crotchety, at first. Siri’s buttons used to be effortless to press, and now they’re recessed and require a much more concerted effort. I’m an old person and I hate change, so I was disproportionately angry about this. But like that time Burger King replaced their chicken tenders with nuggets, time passed and I begrudgingly accepted my new reality. I just have to brace the toy against my hand to change settings. It’s not the worst.

At 4″ long, Siri 2 is small enough to nuzzle into my vulva, but not so tiny that it leaps out of my fingers. It’s perfect for some quick hand-down-the-pajama-pants action, but equally excellent for longer masturbation sessions.1 I tend to hold it sideways against my clit so it’s more pinpoint, but it can also be positioned straight on for more broad stimulation.

If you’ve come to distrust LELO’s claims that a second generation toy will be “100% more powerful,” I don’t blame you. But in this case, it’s thankfully true. Siri 2 has several strength settings beyond the original Siri’s, and its vibrations are stronger than almost all its competitors. Hell yes.

In addition to its power and the rumbly nature of its vibrations, Siri 2’s biggest asset is its wide range of intensity settings — a continuum, if you will, rather than a couple pre-programmed speeds. It also lasts an admirable 2 hours and 9 minutes on a charge on high, and it comes in glorious, glorious black. (And some other shades called “pink” and “purple” or something?)

Although Siri 2 is a couple notches weaker than LELO’s Mona 2, it’s basically a mini Mona. And you know how strongly I feel about my Mona: that vibrator excites me more than seeing “totchos” listed on a bar menu. Which is a lot.

So, when sex time is imminent and I must choose between Siri and Mona, it’s like picking Burger King or McDonald’s. They both satisfy the same need in roughly the same fashion, but there are reasons I might prefer one over the other — proximity, perhaps, or which sweet and sour sauce I’m craving, or whether I’m masturbating or having partnered sex. I’m more likely to use the classic and dependable Mona, but sometimes you’re just in the mood for onion rings, and that’s when I’d bust out Siri.

I swear, this is a high compliment.

But it’s not all sunshine and fast food. There are issues, like the Siri 2’s excessive price: $159. There are the reports of Siri 2s going berserk, and one strange instance of discolored buttons. There’s the fact that my first Siri 2 died after I tested it underwater, and my second wouldn’t hold a charge longer than a week. LELO have been champs about replacing them for me, and their toys come with 1-year warranties (and 10-year quality guarantees), but I still feel a little disenchanted.

Then… THEN… there’s the miserable music mode.

Like any red-blooded American, I like to listen to Taylor Swift very loudly all the time — whether I’m cleaning, driving, showering, or having a threesome. On one occasion, even that volume level was not enough to get the Siri 2 to vibrate to the music. It wasn’t until I blasted it to an uncomfortably loud level and held Siri close to my computer speakers that it responded. This was obviously incompatible with jacking off, so I grabbed my Oontz speaker, balanced it precariously on my keyboard tray, and played more Taylor off my iPod. I had to turn the volume all the way up — to the point of distortion — before Siri, which was literally inches away, would react.

I wanted to get off to “Welcome to New York,” but it was not to be.

It wasn’t always that bad. But even at its “best,” the music mode is glitchy and useless. There’s a pretty substantial delay between the music and Siri’s vibrations, enough of one that I question whether the toy is accurately reacting to the beat at all. When I turn off the music, sometimes the vibe stops, other times it keeps pulsing needlessly for several more seconds… so I can’t tell if it’s lagging behind on the music or if it thinks it hears shit in the silence or what the hell is going on.

In its music mode, Siri 2 seems to operate only in quick pulses, at its highest intensity, no matter which song you introduce (Siri’s reactions to Enya would make you think you were listening to “Last Friday Night”), and it doesn’t understand nuance — so any lull in the song will be registered as no vibration whatsoever. It’ll pulse to one measure of a song and then shut up for a subsequent, identical measure. When Joni Mitchell hits the high note “flyyyyy” in “River,” Siri doesn’t hold steady vibration — it pulses. When I sing or SCREAM into it, it fucking pulses. And I think we can all agree that when listening to “Scentless Apprentice” it shouldn’t ever stop vibrating, but it totally does. Whenever it feels like it.

LELO, listen: you are not OhMiBod. You did not pioneer vibrators that respond to music, that is not your life’s work, AND THAT’S OKAY. At least the OhMiBod Club Vibe responds immediately to sound, and the Freestyle G detects actual subtleties in the songs. I could never, ever achieve orgasm in Siri’s sporadic music mode, but with the Freestyle G I actually can, even with its subpar, buzzier vibrations.

Epiphora: i just got off w freestyle and porn
Epiphora: i put music on too so it would vibrate more consistently
Epiphora: however it did respond to fingers in pussy and that was awesome
Epiphora: siri, which apparently was still on, pulsed a single time when someone moaned loudly.
Aerie: siri: “did something happen? *bzzt*”
Epiphora: what an idiot
Aerie: my siri with music is like “uh do a thing? go? yes no? no? no. yes?”
Aerie: it’s like a clueless person who is trying to get down with all the latest technological gadgetry but their phone dings a text message and they’re like “WHAT’S THAT NOISE?!”
Epiphora: hahaha
Aerie: that’s what my grandma yelled out once when we started playing music one christmas
Aerie: poor grandma

The thing is, the Siri 2 does not need this gimmick. It’s a classic design, a relic from a simpler time when LELO released well-executed, effective toys. It can stand on its own vibrational merits, and it shouldn’t be squandered by a misguided attempt at innovation.

You can easily own the Siri 2 and forget its music mode even exists, and that is what I suggest you do. Siri is officially one of my favorite LELO toys, and far and away, it’s LELO’s best external-stimulation-only toy. Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes? Alas, still, not quite. It’s 75% there. But in the realm of palm-sized rechargeable vibrators, it’s closer than most of them have come.

Get the LELO Siri 2 at SheVibe, Babeland, Pleasure Chest, She Bop,
Come As You Are (Canada), Lovehoney (international), or directly from LELO.

  1. There is, however, the inevitable vibration in my hand, which can become annoying. []

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May 102016

Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

The Lovehoney Flash (left) is a buzzy vibrator. The Doxy Skittle (right) is rumbly.

Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy.

Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame. The design is cool, but it’s so fucking buzzy. Nope.

I even met an avid reader of my blog who works for an up-and-coming sex toy manufacturer. Their flagship vibrator intrigued me with its peculiar manta ray flaps and vibrant shade of turquoise silicone. But I turned it on and could not hide my disgust. “It needs a better motor,” I sighed.

“Oh, I know,” she said. “I knew you’d hate it.”

A sex toy could do literally everything else right — ergonomic shape, [. . . read more]

May 022016

Review: Bubble Love I am one of many who grew up getting my orgasms from the bathtub faucet. Legs spread, back against the bottom of the tub, water pouring delightfully over my clit, I’d lay there with my mind split between thrilling newfound pleasure and neurotic calculation of how long I could run the bath before it seemed suspicious. I almost certainly ran up my parents’ water bill from roughly 2000 to 2002. (Sorry, guys. At 14 I was too stupid to even know water bills existed.)

But I later graduated to circling a Sharpie over my clit through my underwear, and after that, vibrators.[. . . read more]

Apr 232016

Yep, I actually put tiny dildos in my vagina

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section:

(Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.)

First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off,[. . . read more]

Apr 092016

Review: Hole Punch Toys

Get 10% off anything in Hole Punch’s Toy Box section with code EPIPHORA.

There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst.


The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.”

His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped butt[. . . read more]

Apr 012016

Review: Tiny Dildos

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am
very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.]

Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged.

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from TantusBad DragonFun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my[. . . read more]

Mar 222016

Sex toy news: squirting dildos and flapping tongues for your dick

Welcome to “sex toy news,” a new feature culled from my email newsletter, Epiphora’s Snark Digest. My thoughts here are brief, so you can learn the news on the street and get on your way.

Share your initial impressions and speculations in the comments section!

Vixen has released a peculiar dildo called the VixenAire Mustang. It inflates when you apply pressure to the base. I love my Mustang, but the VixenAire only inflates near the base of the toy, which I find weird???

For ages, I’ve hoped a company aside from Bad Dragon would invent a silicone squirting dildo. It has become so with the Pop!

A SQWEEL[. . . read more]

Mar 142016

Ask Piph #8

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here.

I’ve been on the search for a gold silicone dildo for a while and I can’t seem to find one. I just wanna pretend I’m getting plowed by Apollo, is that so much to ask?
Oh, they are hard to come by! I’m only aware of two that come pre-made: the special edition gold Vixen Leo which is sold only at Babeland (I liiiike the Leo), and the Godemiche Adam.

Otherwise, Vamp makes custom designs, including glittery toys, and there are dildo-makers on Etsy who could probably mix you the gold of your dreams.
What would you say were the biggest eureka moments you had on[. . . read more]

Mar 052016

Review: Boosty When I saw the Fun Factory Boosty for the first time, I murmured, “I need it in my soul.” 80% of that reaction was in response to the turquoise color option, but it’s not only that — this butt plug just has a cheerful, persuasive aura about it.

However, now that I’ve had it in my soul, and vis-à-vis in my butt, I am stumped on how to describe the sensation it creates. With those ripples, you’d think it would be a pronounced, observable feeling — but my butt registers it mostly as size. (I can’t feel the color. Damnit.)

The Boosty is the sequel to Fun Factory’s Bootie, which is my favorite silicone butt plug and part of my holy trinity of [. . . read more]