Apr 232016
 

Tiny dildo mock-up photos, before dusting my shelf, obviously

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section:

Oh, Marcus. Oh, you.

(Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.)

First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas.

But I also want to set the record straight about something: I did, in fact, do all the things I wrote about in my review, including inserting the tiny dildos one by one into my vagina (on two occasions, for some godforsaken reason). I definitely did not enjoy it, but I did it anyway because… and here’s the funny/sad thing…  it never occurred to me that I could just not actually use the toys.

I was legitimately surprised when the post went up and folks seemed to think I’d made up my experiences. Perplexed, I called my boyfriend into my office and told him about the reaction. Faking it would have felt “disingenuous,” I told him.

“Well, I’m glad you’re so worried about your integrity!” he replied, and I laughed for hours.

Without experiencing it firsthand, though, how would I conjure such similes as “like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood”? The answer is, I wouldn’t. I’m just not that clever. I need to experience things to have any handle on writing about them.

Tiny dildo mock-up photos

These are my mock-up photos, because of course I took mock-up photos to make sure my visions were going according to plan. I didn’t like how the photo with the water fountain looked, so I scrapped it. But tiny dildos do make excellent replacements for rocks.

There are 342 days until April 1, 2017. Somehow, that seems like barely enough time.

Want your own tiny dildos? You can still get a free pack of Vamp weenies
with orders over $75 at SheVibe. Just use code WEENIE.

Apr 092016
 

Review: Hole Punch Toys

Get 10% off anything in Hole Punch’s Toy Box section with code EPIPHORA.

There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst.

Well.

The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.”

His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped butt[. . . read more]

Apr 012016
 

Review: Tiny Dildos

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am
very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.]

Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged.

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from TantusBad DragonFun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my[. . . read more]

Mar 222016
 

Sex toy news: squirting dildos and flapping tongues for your dick

Welcome to “sex toy news,” a new feature culled from my email newsletter, Epiphora’s Snark Digest. My thoughts here are brief, so you can learn the news on the street and get on your way.

Share your initial impressions and speculations in the comments section!

Vixen has released a peculiar dildo called the VixenAire Mustang. It inflates when you apply pressure to the base. I love my Mustang, but the VixenAire only inflates near the base of the toy, which I find weird???

For ages, I’ve hoped a company aside from Bad Dragon would invent a silicone squirting dildo. It has become so with the Pop!

A SQWEEL[. . . read more]

Mar 142016
 

Ask Piph #8

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here.

I’ve been on the search for a gold silicone dildo for a while and I can’t seem to find one. I just wanna pretend I’m getting plowed by Apollo, is that so much to ask?
Oh, they are hard to come by! I’m only aware of two that come pre-made: the special edition gold Vixen Leo which is sold only at Babeland (I liiiike the Leo), and the Godemiche Adam.

Otherwise, Vamp makes custom designs, including glittery toys, and there are dildo-makers on Etsy who could probably mix you the gold of your dreams.
What would you say were the biggest eureka moments you had on[. . . read more]

Mar 052016
 

Review: Boosty When I saw the Fun Factory Boosty for the first time, I murmured, “I need it in my soul.” 80% of that reaction was in response to the turquoise color option, but it’s not only that — this butt plug just has a cheerful, persuasive aura about it.

However, now that I’ve had it in my soul, and vis-à-vis in my butt, I am stumped on how to describe the sensation it creates. With those ripples, you’d think it would be a pronounced, observable feeling — but my butt registers it mostly as size. (I can’t feel the color. Damnit.)

The Boosty is the sequel to Fun Factory’s Bootie, which is my favorite silicone butt plug and part of my holy trinity of [. . . read more]

Feb 162016
 

Hell Yes: SelfDelve produce-shaped sex toys

These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, cornbananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS.

I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote:

I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe

[. . . read more]

Feb 022016
 

Review: Downunder Toys

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA.

Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked.

Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this:

I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life?

So,[. . . read more]

Jan 142016
 

Learn The Business of Blogging About Sex -- on your schedule! What’s that, you say? You wanna be a badass sex blogger and pay the bills? Uncover my blogging secrets? Find out all my strange productivity techniques and social media philosophies?


Now you can, anytime you want! The Business of Blogging About Sex, the intensive online class I run with JoEllen Notte (Redhead Bedhead), is officially back and better than ever! Months in the making, now there are even more ways to learn to accommodate different schedules, learning styles, and needs! One thing remains the same, though: you can (and should) stay in your pajamas as you learn.

I’m kind of really proud.

The various lessons, which you can purchase individually or in packages, cover everything JoEllen and I have learned in our decade of combined experience sex[. . . read more]