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The Leaf Life looks like something you’d pick up along a nature trail. Colored a cheery green and shaped like a fat leaf or a pointy slug, the Life comes from a line of vibes inspired by nature that I found too intriguing to ignore. And I’m glad I tried one (the right one, perhaps), because… I really like it.

The Life comes in a brown cardboard box that looks all eco-schmancy, but there’s nothing that makes this toy more eco-friendly than any other rechargeable vibe. It does come with a sweet storage bag. It does not charge magnetically, but instead one must impale the toy with a jack in the same way as with the Jopen Vanity vibes. You’d think this would make the toy far from waterproof, but no — somehow this thing is totally submersible. I don’t know how, but it is.

The vibe itself is not as uniform and sleek as press photos make it look. It does, in fact, have a seam that runs all the way around it (noticeable with the fingertip but not with the clit), and its underside is brandished with a slew of small symbols, such as the PowerBullet logo and the “don’t throw me away” trashcan. Leaf acknowledges this fact, as its manual reads,

Unfortunately we are forced to put them on due to international laws, so please do not be mad at us. Look on the bright side through, we made them very smooth and the same color as the rest of your toy so you more than likely will not really notice them anyway.

(Anyone else get the sense this is directed toward cranky reviewers like myself?) But they’re right — the symbols are all on the non-business end of the toy, on the underside, so they’re easily forgotten. Still, all of this cheapens the overall feel of the design, and makes the price tag ($130) harder to swallow.

Yeah, so, that’s the thing. This toy has several failings that it’s my duty as a reviewer to impress upon you. It’s overpriced, it has seams, its controls are confusing at first, and it’s not very quiet. The rational part of me understands these facts and wants you to know them too, but the emotional part of me — and my clit — would rather just say, “IT’S GREEN AND PRETTY AND IT FEELS GOOD AND DOES GOOD IN THE WORLD.”

So I’m gonna try to explain both sides.

The Life is controlled by a single button that illuminates when pressed. You press it once to turn it on, hold it down to turn it up, and press it quickly to turn it off — which is basically the opposite of what we, toy users, have been conditioned to do. It takes some adjustment, and I still find myself accidentally turning it off when I mean to increase the power, but actually… it’s a decent system once you get used to it. Even if there’s no way to know which level you’re on, and the toy doesn’t remember after a reboot.

The Life doesn’t have any vibration patterns. Not a deal-breaker for me, but if it is for you, don’t plop down the money. Plenty of other vibes have ‘em.

I find the Life very ergonomic. I have no trouble holding it or accessing its button in use. It feels natural and unobtrusive. Like… like it was created by nature! Ugh, ignore me.

Like every other rechargeable clit toy in the history of ever, the Life is not insanely powerful. It is nowhere near the Wahl, Mystic Wand, or Hitachi. But it’s not a weakling either, and it’s definitely enough for me. I’d say it’s on par with the We-Vibe Touch, one of my favorite rechargeable clit toys, but there’s a big difference in how the toys feel.

The Touch is a toy that I press into myself a bit; it has a wider tip, and the vibrations are reverberating and somewhat deep. The Life… it kind-of… writhes at the tip. Do not picture a tongue when I say this, but it flicks a very small amount because the tip is so small and the silicone has some give. Too much pressure dampens the sensation, but I’m fine with a moderate amount of pressure.

This flicking thing, this extremely pinpoint stimulation, really does it for me. Actually, this toy’s tip is so tiny that it made me realize how much of a lefty my clit is! That’s how hard it is to come by targeted stimulation like this. The Form 3 tried to do it and failed. I can’t think of another toy that feels like this one does, and that’s saying something.

So I struggle. Because I like the Life a lot — the stimulation is unique and delicious, the color is badass, and it’s rechargeable. But you should only buy it if you like super pinpoint stimulation, and only if you can get a good deal, and only if you are okay with some noise. Which doesn’t sound like the ringing endorsement my clit wants me to give, but I gotta keep it real.

Thanks, Babeland! Babeland also carries the Bloom and Vitality from the Leaf line.

Have you been jonesing for a deep look into the female psyche? Then What Girls Like is the porno for you!

Seriously, it’s uncanny how much this film understands womankind. Case in point: the painting scene. I have learned much from this scene, like that paint fumes are an aphrodisiac. And that girls like getting ass-fucked by paintbrush handles while contorting their bodies into pretzel shapes.

To my surprise, I learned that girls HATE happiness. And subtlety.

To nobody’s surprise, girls like purple! A lot of it. In sopping wet toxic paint form.

Girls like humping canvases. Girls like making art.

Pretty good, pretty good! I find this to be an intriguing representation of female desire. I like the mood, and the unique texture the artist has achieved. Slightly animalistic. Of course, it’s no pussy doodles, but what is?

Someone help these women apply to be on Work of Art, stat. They’re certainly on par with the guy who made cement anuses.

Thanks again, porn. If not for you, I would never have a clue about teh ladiez.

I’ll admit I scoffed at Real Housewife of Atlanta Kandi Burruss’ new line of sex toys, Bedroom Kandi. Look, I’m not into so-called “girly” things… like make-up. I haven’t owned mascara since high school. I’ve never bought a tube of lipstick. However! I do own my fair share of vag balls. And Hold On To Me (kind-of a dumb name… no, really a dumb name) is a set of four vag balls that, surprisingly, are not shaped like some cosmetic item.

Bedroom Kandi toys are manufactured by OhMiBod, so my vag balls came in a cardboard box with both BK and OhMiBod on it. Inside was a more heavy-duty black box that opens up to reveal a bed of black satin upon which the four balls rest. Also included is a small satin drawstring pouch.

At 1.25″ in diameter each, these things are downright puny compared to my favorite vag balls, the LELO Luna Beads. I thought these balls, if they worked, would be a good recommendation for folks who think other vag balls are too big. But no — although the Hold On To Me balls are comfortable, they fail in every other respect.

Each ball, which is made of clear plastic with a pink inner ball, is brandished with a golden dot or dots to denote its weight. There is a .9-ounce ball, a 1.1-ounce ball, a 1.2-ounce ball, and a 1.4-ounce ball. There are two black holster choices — a single-ball holster and a double-ball holster — which may or may not be pure silicone.

More things that are wrong: the golden dots rub off really easily and the holsters are thin and near-impossible to wrangle the balls into. Theoretically, you can create any combo of ball weights that you desire… but you won’t want to, because the process of holstering them is so heinous — and the payoff is so non-existent.

Yes, the sad truth is that the Hold On To Me balls are absolutely no fun at all to wear. I cannot feel a thing once they are inserted. The outer balls are not big enough to feel when I clench, and the inner balls don’t have enough space to roll around in. Once, I almost took a nap before remembering they were inside of me.

This becomes a problem when you think about the purpose of vag balls in the first place. You are supposed to use them to keep your PC muscles in shape. To keep your PC muscles in shape, you must do kegels. To do kegels, you must clench your PC muscles. And guess what? In order to remember to clench your PC muscles, you have to periodically remember that there is something in your vagina.

None of this, though, is as bad as the retrieval cords. They are the thinnest, flimsiest cords I’ve ever seen on vag balls, and they’re stretchy as fuck. HOW IS A REALLY STRETCHY RETRIEVAL CORD USEFUL? Seriously, I don’t get how this happens. Repeatedly. I even pulled on the cord while the balls were in my vagina, stretching it to its limit, cringing. Then I grabbed the tape measure. ELEVEN INCHES. And of course, the balls don’t budge until I actually start pushing with my PC muscles, which begs the question: what happens to people who don’t have developed PC muscles? I guess they risk the rubber band effect even more.

Stupid-ass design flaws aside, how are you going to tone your PC muscles if you don’t even remember to clench around the toy? You’re not. The Luna Beads and even the horribly-named (and disturbingly cheap) L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System are both more noticeable and more pleasurable, because they are bigger and the inner balls have more space in which to roll, tremble, and party.

Much respect, Kandi Burruss, for writing “No Scrubs” and “Bug a Boo,” but maybe instead of designing sex toys, you should’ve stuck to writing R&B classics.

Thanks, Babeland!

Sometimes I wait an embarrassingly long time to clean my sex toys. But that’s the beauty of non-porous toys — they clean up beautifully no matter what. And just look at this awesome array of colors! I’m so proud of myself for not having a pink and purple smorgasbord. Clearly, though, I need to invest in better paper towels.

It’s hard to make an ordered list of these toys, but I’ll try: NobEssence Seduction, Fun Factory Big Boss, njoy Fun Wand, pink attachment for the Rock Box, Tantus O2 Rascal, Leaf Life, attachments for the Eroscillator, Vixen Creations Maverick, njoy Pure Wand, Vibratex Mystic Wand, Fun Factory G-Twist.

The Jopen Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen women’s pelvic floor muscles and treat incontinence. When product testers began experiencing an “unexpected” side effect — intense orgasms — the medical peeps contacted Jopen. Jopen knew just how to turn the thing into a true blue sex toy: they stuck a clit stimulator on it. And kept its original color of pukey pink-purple, because we all know women won’t touch anything outside of those shades.

So the toy was released, Jopen started throwing out phrases like “game-changer,” sex bloggers gawked at the toy’s hideousness, Jopen released a weird-ass video testimonial starring your friend’s mom who drank too much peppermint schnapps, and I had to have one. The Intensity is awkward, weird, and ugly… all reasons I needed to put it in my vagina. Besides, anything with the astronomical price tag of $250 needs to be thoroughly investigated. As someone said to me on Twitter, “Does it make your coffee?” To which I replied, “NOPE, JUST SHOCKS YOUR VAGINA.”

Because yes, the Intensity is actually an electrostim toy. They’re not marketing it as a BDSM device, of course, but that’s essentially what it is. It features two silver electrodes, one on each side of its shaft, that emit electric currents. At a certain level, these currents induce vaginal contractions.

In life, the Intensity does not look nearly as polished as it does in the computer-rendered publicity photos; it has seams, and the silicone surrounding the electrodes is iffy. It also does not come with the 4 AAAs required to run the thing, which is just ridiculous for a $250 toy (but so is the fact that it’s not rechargeable). It comes with a 2-ounce tube of electrode gel, which proudly proclaims itself “salt-free”… in case you keep a pet slug in your vagina.

The manual instructs, “apply a reasonable amount of water based lubricant to the tip of the insertable portion of the device.” Yeah, be reasonable about it! Don’t go all haywire! But when applying the electrode gel, use a “moderate amount.” God, this is hard.

And you’d think that for $250 you wouldn’t have to manually inflate this toy, but you’d be wrong. That’s why the base is so goddamn huge. You have to squeeze it until the shaft reaches the girth of your liking. It begins at 1.4″ in diameter and inflates up to 2″ or so, which takes 20 exhausting squeezes. Also, you’re supposed to inflate it “to desired comfort” before turning it on. There is a very particular order of things. And you aren’t supposed to remove the toy while the electrostim is going, which makes me paranoid about burning my vaginal walls or something.

After all of the manual-memorizing and goo application, though, it’s not difficult to operate. It has 5 vibration intensities and 10 electro levels, all controlled separately.

I’ve never experienced electrostimulation before, which perhaps makes me ill-equipped to handle internal electro-stim. Still, I think I did pretty well. I was able to conquer the 10 settings in just a few sessions with the Intensity. But I did it for bragging rights, not because it was pleasurable.

The electrostim starts out as a tingling sensation, but it turns into a weird pulse that, as promised, makes my vaginal muscles contract involuntarily. I can just barely perceive the electrostim on level 3. It starts to feel weird and cause contractions around level 6. 8 is a little scary. 9 starts to hurt. But after I’ve made it to 10 and hung out there for a while, 8 feels way gentle, and the pulsations are barely perceptible to me at level 7.

The electric pulses are a second long, with a half-second gap between them. This may not sound slow, but it is.

And then there’s this stupid bump on the shaft, right under the clit stimulator, that is home to another motor. I want to kill this thing. It is in the worst possible spot and it fucking hurts. I’m told this is supposed to be a G-spotting bump, which does not make any goddamn sense as it rests just inside my vagina.

Actually, let’s talk about the whole G-spotting aspect of this toy, because of course that is promised in the promotional materials. The Intensity’s shaft is completely straight, and that bump is in the wrong spot entirely. I can’t thrust with this toy, and I can’t clench around it on my own — the two ways I experience G-spot stimulation. The electricity does not feel concentrated on my G-spot, and the involuntary clenching does not feel remotely the same as my own, voluntary clenching. Therefore, this is not a G-spot toy in the slightest. So stop lying.

Then there’s the three-pronged clitoral stimulator. Its vibration levels are buzzy and acceptable, but the shape is not. It pokes. It pokes my clit in surround sound. As if this toy wasn’t uncomfortable enough already.

But the key thing to realize is how damn distracting the electrostim is. I really cannot think about my clit when my vag is pulsing… pulsing… pulsing. And by the time I’m finally able to concentrate on my clit enough to have an orgasm, the orgasm feels completely out of my control. The pulses just go on their slow and merry way, doing whatevs they want to do, and my body doesn’t know how to process that amidst an orgasm.

This is perhaps the most egregious thing about the Intensity. This machine will decide how your muscles contract when you orgasm. If it is out of sync with what feels natural to you (hint: it will be), too bad. You will have to ride it out. And feel cheated at the end. Worth $250? I think not.

There are people in the wild world of the internet who claim this toy gives them “instant orgasms” that last as long as they want. How can I put this gently… um, I don’t know what these people are snorting. I seriously do not understand how this could be. Vaginal contractions are not orgasms. I just… I can’t.

I suppose the Intensity could work as BDSM device if you like the sensation of involuntary vaginal contractions. And I would almost recommend it for people who need serious kegel help, because it definitely induces kegels. But then, buried in the manual, among other warnings, is this one:

This product is intended for use as an adult novelty product only. For external use only. Any product use for medical purposes or for a use that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited.

This is a very common warning on sex toy packaging, but in this context, it is a especially ironic. Remember, although the Intensity was once a medical device, it is now a questionable sex toy manufactured by a huge company. If you want to improve your PC muscles, I recommend the archaic vag balls, which not only cost 80% less, but are under your vagina’s control.

Besides, the moment they put rabbit ears on this thing, they made it into a sex toy, therefore implying that I am supposed to enjoy using it. And I really, really don’t. I don’t know what’s worse: the upsetting electro pulses, the painful “G-spot” bump, the poketastic clitoral stimulator, or the shitty orgasms. The phrase “waste of time and money” doesn’t quite capture the essence or true absurdity of this product, so I hope these 1,300 words have.

Use code HEY10 to get 10% off the Intensity.