I can’t get this website out of my head when I think about the Fleshlight Vibro. Granted, who hasn’t taken the “Sex Toy or Baby Toy?” quiz (I got 11/15, by the way), and what isn’t amazing about the page on dollar store sex toys? But I should not be thinking of DIY sex toys when looking at a $77, profesh sex toy. Yet I am.

Because the Fleshlight Vibro is basically a nice masturbation sleeve cobbled together with shitty, cheap, annoying little bullet vibrators. This enables it to vibrate, yes, but is the effort worth it? My penis-wielding counterpart says no. Not quite.

The Fleshlight Vibro comes in two orifice choices — Lady (vulva) and Butt. Both are made of pink Superskin. Both have the same inner texture: Touch, a series of nubs that is exclusive to the Vibro (but not particularly unique — it’s similar to the Speed Bump). The toy comes with three single-speed watch battery bullets, a sample of Fleshlube, sufficient batteries, and a 10-pack of extra batteries.

My boyfriend is down with the Fleshlube because he is not discerning. It has glycerin in it, so do not use it in biological vaginas — only those made of Superskin. (For biological vaginas, use Sliquid.)

My boyfriend is also a total fan of vibration. Whenever I use a vibrator during sex, he enjoys the residual vibration. So the Fleshlight Vibro certainly ticks that box and feels good to him in that sense. But it’s the build-up and ramifications he doesn’t like.

Using the Vibro is a production. First, the bullets must be turned on and stuffed into their holes. Then the sleeve must be shoved into its case. Then, of course, lube and fucking, and worrying about whether the bullets are going to die on you (he felt the bullets losing power after only a couple uses). After orgasm, the bullets are still buzzing away, which might be a little disconcerting if you’re full of Catholic guilt.

All of that, my boyfriend reports, is the nail in the coffin. It’s too much work.

But there’s one other thing. The bullets cause an unwanted narrowing of the passage. With all three bullets in place, there’s more resistance and his penis wants to pop out. It feels like the inner sides are stiff rather than fleshy (“like a Fleshlight is supposed to be”). One bullet on top is best — non-intrusive and his penis glides easily. Of course, that’s also the least amount of vibration. Thankfully, this can be rectified with a better bullet — like the We-Vibe Tango, which provides vibrations that are both stronger and deeper than three shitty bullets combined.

The Touch texture is a hit, though. The bumps are rounded and have a lot of give, so they get flattened when a penis is thrusting against them. This is a relief, considering his distaste for the fang texture of the Succu Dry and the ridges of the Tera Patrick Twista. He likes his Fleshlight textures minimal and subtle, and this one is.

If it wasn’t so annoying to set up, my boyfriend would use it over his original Fleshlight. But he is a lazy masturbator (not gonna lie, I used that phrase solely so that it can be the fourth time I’ve used it on this blog) like me — unwilling to exert even the smallest amount of effort at jack-off time — and therefore the Vibro will probably fall by the wayside.

It’s not bad. It’s just a bit of a gimmick. A bit of a half-assed attempt at making the Fleshlight vibrate. Something I’d expect to see on Tumblr — like some dude duct-taping bullet vibes to his Fleshlight sleeve or something. And it feels suspiciously like a marketing scheme. Wouldn’t it take all of two seconds for Fleshlight to add bullet cavities to all of their sleeves? Yet only the Vibro has them.

Should you get the Fleshlight Vibro just in case you ever want your Fleshlight to vibrate? If you like the nubby Touch texture and have an extra $16 to spare beyond the usual build-your-own Fleshlight, sure. It doesn’t change anything about the structure of the toy until you put the bullets in it. If you calculate what the bullets would cost separately ($24 or so altogether) plus what the batch of included batteries would cost ($20 on a good day), it’s a good deal. It’s better than hacking your Fleshlight… but I feel like maybe that shouldn’t be where the bar is set.

You can thank Lorax Of Sex for roping me into this one! Time was running out on the speaking deadline for CatalystCon West, and I thought there was no way we could submit anything, but (in just one night, no less) they pumped me full of confidence and convinced me otherwise. Yes, after just one conference attendance, I thought I could speak at one. Marginally crazy? Probably.

But I do have THOUGHTS. Sex toy reviewer thoughts. Specifically, thoughts about how reviewers can work harmoniously with sex toy companies. So Lorax and I reached out to Jenna, marketing coordinator at Tantus, and Krista, social media marketing executive at Lovehoney US, hoping they’d join us on a panel on the topic.

Somehow, they both said yes. Somehow, we came up with a title and description. And somehow, our panel was accepted?!

So on the weekend of September 27-29 (let’s be real, I’ll probably arrive on Wednesday), I will be in Woodland Hills, California, presenting “Will Write For Dildos: How and Why Companies and Reviewers Should Work Together.” The description, meticulously crafted by Lorax and I (the most anal of the group), is as follows:

“Is it true that I can make $39,000 a year reviewing sex toys?” is not the way to start an email to a sex toy company. But what is? In this panel, two toy reviewers and two adult company reps converge to discuss the challenges and rewards of joining forces. If handled correctly, a partnership between reviewer and company can yield valuable results. But the process involves care, commitment, and respect on both sides. It also requires realistic expectations. (Hint: it’s not all free sex toys and overnight reviews.)

We’ll discuss how to network and communicate tactfully, set reasonable expectations, write reviews satisfactory to both parties (…that may even generate a sale or two!), and foster a working relationship that is both harmonious and mutually beneficial. We’ll also talk about the purpose, pitfalls, and rewards of affiliate programs — and how they play into the reviewing process.

Together we’ll mull over polarizing issues such as: should companies pre-screen negative reviews? Are sponsored posts a viable content option? When should readers trust a review in which the product was supplied for free? And ultimately, why established businesses should be working with “lowly” bloggers.

We still have a lot of prep to do, and I am still scared out of my mind that I’m gonna be inarticulate, but I’m tempering my fear with all of my giddiness over hanging out with my peeps again and attending other amazing sessions such as “Toxic Toys: Beyond Phthalates,” “Talkin’ About a Revolution: Partnership Between Sex Educators and Adult Retailers,” and “Moral Panic.”

ALSO, DANNY WYLDE IS GOING TO BE THERE. And I may or may not have literally leapt out of my seat in disbelief when I saw that.¹

The point is, YOU SHOULD COME. Registration is $110 through June 20th, and you can even get $10 off with code EPIPHORA. After June 20th, tickets go up to $150. If you can’t be there, we hope to audio record and potentially transcribe the panel. But really, YOU SHOULD COME.

Have you seen panels at conferences before? Any tips or faux pas you can pass on to me?

1. And subsequently panicked when I realized I’m going to have to stay hot 24/7 in case he sees me… [↩]

This is the 500th post on this here blog. I felt like it needed some sort of commemoration, so I spent far too much time assembling a hokey 500 made up of sex toys. Shut up.

I feel like this is important, though. Bloggers — perhaps more so sex bloggers — change with the seasons. Sex blogs are constantly dropping dead. From when I started in 2008, there are only a small handful of my friends still blogging (shout-out to Adriana, Lilly, and Kara Sutra!). To some, 500 posts may sound like child’s play. But to me, a freak for whom every post is a carefully-crafted piece of writing, it is an accomplishment.

Here’s a little breakdown of those 500 posts:

258 have been reviews.
97 have been categorized as “banter,” a term I stole from Tegan & Sara. My favorite sub-category is probably “Disingenuous Assholes.”
52 have been giveaways.
25 have been Hell Yes and Um, No.
16 have been Jack-off Journals.
7 have been April Fool’s jokes.
The rest have been guides, lists, Ask Piphs, Pornfails, PPGs, and other miscellany.

I’ve chronicled the evolution of my toybox from one small toybox all the way to plastic drawers. Obvs, I’ve grown as a sexual being throughout the course of this blog, from someone who could barely handle a finger-sized vibrator to a badass who ejaculates, has dual orgasms, and can fit anything in her vagina.

I’ve enjoyed taking down mansplainers, unethical sex toy companies, disturbing porn directors, pompous “authors,” the lamestream media, and even random people who write articles about vibrators yet know nothing about vibrators. Also, “a touch of whimsy.” I’ll never get over it.

And I can finally say that all the sex toy reviews that are rightfully mine have been added to my archives here, flawed as they are. So if you go to 2007, you’ll see reviews from before the blog actually began. Weird, but worth it. That shit is mine.

There have been creepers and a bit of drama along the way, but it has dissipated over time, and I’ve learned how to better cope with haters (disengage, block, and forget they exist). I’ve made many more friends than enemies; I’ve even made friends with my enemies, as I quickly found that Laura is a lovable curmudgeon.

Blogging is funny. Everything is learned as you go along. True, I already knew how to write, and I knew enough CSS to survive. But a lot of it was blindly feeling my way through the dark. Evidence: my first blog post is just about the worst thing ever. Thankfully, this thing happens when you do something over and over: you improve. You stop sucking. You become, even, almost good.

Last January, I crunched the numbers and realized I was making enough money from this blog to live on — an accomplishment I never set out to achieve. But now, as the years and posts go by, the more steadfastly I cling to this blog of mine. My own little piece of the internet where all my passions collide. That something so enjoyable can also be profit-generating is a fucking triumph… and the income enables me to continue doing it, and doing it well.

Which brings me to you. (You knew this was coming, right? If I can’t be mushy now, WHEN CAN I?) You, peeps, are my reason for all of this. The success of this blog has allowed me to do something I love. Few people get such a privilege. I imagined one day I’d find myself confined to a tiny cubicle, soullessly typing into a spreadsheet, staring down the barrel of the rest of my life. Instead I am in my pajamas, at my big desk, knocking cats away 24/7, tidying up my spreadsheet of all the sex toys I own. And typing into this box, always. This comforting, freeing little box. I much prefer this life.

Oh jeez. I am getting far too sentimental now. Better stop before I tarnish my image completely. So I will leave you with some questions, peeps: when and how did you find my blog? Why did you stay? What can I do better in the next 500 posts?

(And since I’ve been around the block enough times to know that people are gonna ask: the 5 is crafted from a Tantus Meteorite, We-Vibe Tango, NobEssence Dare, Wake-Up Vibe, and Doc Johnson Reflections Serenity wand. The first 0 is a Whipspider Tentacle, Inside Out Spiral Rib Double Dong, Fun Factory Smartballs, and NobEssence Linger. The second zero is an njoy Pure Wand, Jollies Bubbles, LELO Gigi, and Leaf Life.)

January 24th, 2013

I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana Dearmond. At one point I minimized it, and suddenly it sounded like a tiger tearing flesh. APPARENTLY THIS WAS HAPPENING:

Something similar took place earlier in the month when I was watching Kristina Rose: Unfiltered. Is this a hot new ~thing~? Please say no. It hurts my skin.

Throughout all of this, one of my cats kept insistently yowling at me. So I got up and shuffled into the kitchen, pajama pants around my ankles, to give her some treats. “I’m glad you don’t understand how ridiculous I look right now,” I said to her. Then I returned to my post at the desk and finished jacking off.

February 14th, 2013

For the first time in months after getting the Nexplanon in my arm, I was bleeding. Fairly heavily. Most of it was just chilling in my vagina, though, waiting to be carved out with a toy. So I did that with the best possible object: the Jopen Key Comet G Wand. I also tried this new lube, Please Cream from Good Vibes. Boy is it white!

You’d think a movie called Anal Plungers would have nothing of substance, but then… James Deen happens. In a scene with Lily LaBeau and this camera angle…

He stops thrusting and just watches her get herself off — a quiet, nearly silent orgasm punctuated only by him growling “oh my god” as he watches.

UGH, JAMES DEEN, YOU’RE TOO MUCH ALWAYS.

March 1st, 2013

As I was masturbating, the cat came and LAID BETWEEN MY ANKLES, on top of my dropped pajama pants. Motherfucker is clueless.

When I was done, I instant messaged my boyfriend.

Epiphora: okay i am done and all obscene objects have been removed from my orifices
Epiphora: you are free to roam

March 23rd, 2013

Morning. I woke up from an actual nightmare in which I was super horny but every toy I reached for had no charge¹, so I uncharacteristically wanted to jack off before even leaving bed. Since I’m a freak and none of my toys are in the bedroom, I had to go get one out of my drawers in the living room. I grabbed the Leaf Life because in the dream it was the dead, distressing one. Jacked off with a snoozing cat in bed next to me.

April 11th, 2013

Ready to get shit done, the sex toys of this masturbation session were entirely determined by reader emails. People often ask me things that I can’t answer until I jack off — a funny predicament to have. And so I lugged out the LELO SmartWands and several Vixen dildos for the purpose of definitively answering questions.

But the SmartWands were dead, drained of a charge, and my self-control is disgustingly bad. This is the session I called “a disastrous failure on several reviewer-levels” because, despite three orgasms (one on each setting of Britni’s Eroscillator — no joke), I repeatedly came too soon and didn’t gather nearly enough information. This is my life.

April 19th, 2013

I sat down with the Eroscillators and the Fun Factory Stronic Eins once and for all, feasting my eyes on Code of Honor. Watching James Deen and Stoya ooze cuteness all over each other, I tweeted, “Testing sex toys that are good while watching @JamesDeen and @Stoya is a recipe for disaster.”

AND THEN STOYA REPLIED.

The whole time I was like PLAY IT COOL, EPIPHORA, PLAY IT COOL. I wasn’t always sold on her, but now I’m officially ruling her adorable. What do you guys say — I should definitely add “and Stoya replied to me on Twitter once” to my about page, right?

I had four fucking orgasms by the end of this session. Told you so.

May 3rd, 2013

Picking up where I left off on April 11th, I laid out a smorgasbord of sex toys for comparison. Yet I remained doubtful that I’d use all of them, because, uh, there were NINE.

 Left to right: Eroscillators, LELO Smart Wands, Hathor lube, Vixen Johnny,
Vixen Outlaw, Vixen Maverick, Vixen Buck, Vixen Mustang.

I watched Allie Haze: I Love Sex, in a scene which did not include Allie Haze but rather Sasha Sweet. Chosen, of course, for the Deen. But what I got instead was a PORN BOMB.

When it was all said and done (and all toys had been placed in/on me at various points), I had around five orgasms. Because apparently I’d rather just have more orgasms than exercise some self-control.

May 7th, 2013

Called an emergency porn-watching party with my mates so we could consume Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. I tried to persuade the others not to read the numerous articles about the video so as to avoid spoilers. Such as: Farrah doesn’t know how to unbutton a man’s jeans. Farrah uses the same tone of voice with James Deen as she does with her 4-year-old daughter. And most distressingly of all… Farrah squirts.

All-out pandemonium set in when we saw the squirting. It was unequivocal. I was thinking it might be a dribble, but it was definitely a gush. Still, it seemed more like a physiological reaction than an orgasmic moment. Afterward, she responded in her usual way — “I never squirt, beebee. That’s weird. You’re sexy” — in precisely same fashion that my boyfriend said the other day, while dabbing at his nostrils, “this is weird. I never get nosebleeds.”

Real talk: there were things about this porno that made me (and my cohorts) genuinely sad. The Redhead Bedhead said it best: “I think I could successfully argue that abstinence-only education is responsible for this monstrosity.” There was very little joy in the video. She didn’t even kiss him with any passion. I was highly bothered by her inability to pleasure herself; she literally rubbed everything except her clit.

And she wanted to rush through everything. Bless his heart, James Deen tried to implement safer sex practices such as warming up before anal. He made jokes, whispered in her ear, and did his best to play along with the “sex tape” facade, but quickly and palpably realized his efforts were moot. He tried to hide it, but you could tell that he — the man who tweets things like “grapes are pretty cool” — was embarrassed to be having sex with such a soulless, inarticulate human being. You could read it all over his penis.

And she wasn’t doing so hot either. Her moans sounded like “ow” more than “oh.” She complained about her ass being in pain. She eyed the camera disconcertingly, as if she could will time to pass quicker. After the sex, the way she covered her face with a pillow and murmured “I’m embarassed” was truly brutal.

Sugarcunt managed to sum up the experience gloriously, but I’ll just say this: all of it was an insult to people everywhere who would give anything to fuck James Deen.

1. First-world problems to the MAX. [↩]

You’ve all been waiting with baited breath, I’m sure, to find out who won my Stronic Eins giveaway. So I will torture you no further. The winner is Natty!

Only a few entrants took my challenge to make a GIF or Vine of themselves using a household object to imitate the movement of the Stronic Eins, but they all amused me greatly. I mean, look at the resemblance between the Stronic Eins and this GIF from Sexxxay:

Of course, I was hoping for a cat, but if it had to be a canine dog, a pug is a good choice. I love the attention to detail, with the Fun Factory logo and plus and minus buttons. Very nice.

Much thanks again to SheVibe for furnishing the toy for this giveaway. If you find my argument about the Stronic Eins compelling, definitely buy your Stronic Eins from them. They’re the shit.

And as always, I’m open to other giveaway ideas. What do you want to win next, peeps?

Everyone knows regulation in the sex toy industry is practically nonexistent, right? We all accept that as fact. We have to do all the material-sniffing and toy-burning for ourselves. We have to use condoms on things because we quite literally have no idea what they contain. Is this how things are destined to be forever? I used to think so, but not anymore.

Dildology is a brand new non-profit organization run by Dangerous Lilly, Crista Anne, and Val Orenda that will send sex toys to labs to have them independently tested. With this, there will finally be some accountability within the industry, and we’ll have a much better idea which manufacturers to trust — and which to side-eye.

Unfortunately, testing is not cheap. To the tune of $200-450 per toy. To remain unaffiliated and unbiased, Dildology won’t be able to sell advertising space, so they’re relying on donations.

I avoid sketchy sex toy materials like the plague, but that doesn’t stop them from being out there and tainting consumers constantly. Here’s what Crista experienced when she worked as a manager and buyer for a chain of adult stores in the south:

Battery testing thousands toys before they were sold, my hands and arms were constantly covered in mysterious rashes. The fumes off shipments of cheap toys gave me migraines. My customers would bring back toys they had just opened that had an intense odor, akin to opening a dozen shower curtains. Tell me horror stories of toys that caused a burning sensation when used, breakouts, battling chronic yeast infections from subpar toys and lubricants.

This is much more common than people realize, and it’s not going to stop unless we take the initiative. So, peeps, raise your glass dollars and donate in memory of:

• Packaging that lies to our faces, calling things “high grade silicone” and “medical grade material” when they are not
• That time one of my old cock rings bled THROUGH A PLASTIC BAG and onto a Jimmyjane cord
• Having to crowdsource to figure out what a material even is
• All the times a reviewer has accepted as fact that sex toys stink, taste gross, and cause a burning sensation
• All the times a reviewer has called a material “silicone-feeling jelly”
• Companies making 100% silicone lines, with names like “Couture,” “Platinum,” and “Elite” — because who wants to use pure silicone all the time?
• Companies coming up with freakish names for mystery meat materials: Crystalessence, UR3, Jel-Lee, Superskin, Futurotic, Senso…
• Manufacturers who come out with two versions of the same toy just so they can sell a cheaper, smellier, porous one
• This story from the owner of the Smitten Kitten — “they were leaking, oozing… it reeked”
• The little finger sleeve I got at a sex toy party, which melted immediately when exposed to a flame
• The unsettling knowledge that the flame test can sometimes fail us
• When a reader emailed me with a horrific story of an allergic reaction to a toy and I had to gather tips on how to treat it
• The toy that smelled like “a really grimy, disgusting auto repair shop, where a guy with a mullet has been smoking too much weed out back” (I can still conjure the smell, it was so pungent, so horribly memorable)

Different donation amounts come with perks, such as discount codes, “Dildologist” merch, and the honor to choose the next test product.

Donate ahorita and read the other blog carnival posts here (there’ll be tons more as the month progresses). Donate because they’re testing the PVC Deen Peen next. And I can’t wait to find out what the fuck is in that thing.

For years, literally, ever since I dubbed the Eroscillator “the best sex toy I’ve ever tried,” people have been asking me whether it’s worth the extra cash to get the Top Deluxe version of the toy. I’ve always had to say “I don’t know; mine is the more powerful one and I’ve never tried the regular version,” which pained me because I hate not having an answer to anything sex toy-related. I’m cool with feeling like a failure in some respects (I can’t do a crossword to save my life), but not that one.

So finally, my online amiga of many years, Britni, agreed to loan me her Eroscillator 2 Plus for comparison purposes. This is a true friend. And now I have all the T, and not much of the shade. Because the Eroscillator 2 Plus is surprisingly great, and not at all a sad shadow of its mightier counterpart. Good news for wallets everywhere.

A little background, if you’re unaware: the Eroscillator is something of a cult classic sex toy, much like the Pure Wand, only it’s not blessed with good looks and is often overlooked and berated. It changed my masturbating life with its deep, penetrating oscillations. It helped me achieve dual orgasms. It has figured prominently in many of my Jack-Off Journals, and it has its own tag on this here blog. For a good solid year after I reviewed it, I uncontrollably compared all clitoral vibrators to it. I’ve now accepted that no vibrator will feel like the Eroscillator, and I still use it just about as much as I did when I got it in 2009.

So, the Eroscillator and I, we’ve been places. In fact, Britni’s Eroscillator is pristine and the base of mine is broken from a highly unfortunate fall off my desk when a cat decided to brush against it. I “repaired” it with duct tape, and I try to tell myself that it has character now, but my soul will never fully recover.¹

Both Eroscillators have three power levels, but the Top Deluxe is said to have a stronger motor and therefore 35% more power. Expectedly, the 2 Plus is quieter; top Deluxe has a lower, more ominous timbre to it. And the 2 Plus definitely starts out at a lower level — its first setting is pretty light, and if you’re not sensitive, could be a waste of your time. But its second setting is stronger than the Top Deluxe’s first, and its third setting continues this trend. Here, let me mansplain it to you with a drawing:

Any discrepancy in spacing between the levels is a result of my terrible drawing skills, not the knowledge of my clitoris. My clit is a perceptive little thing, yes, but not that perceptive. I was surprised by how subtle the differences really were. It is not a stark contrast that would cause one to bolt up in bed and scoff at the nearest cat.

Instead, I have determined that if my Eroscillator ever dies, I will probably replace it with the cheaper 2 Plus. Because the answer to the ultimate question is no, I don’t believe the Top Deluxe is worth $55 more — not for me, and not for most people. That last setting on the Top Deluxe is nice, but not necessary to life.

UNLESS: you’re coming from the land of Hitachi or Wahl; you like a lot of clitoral pressure; you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you’re gonna need the most power you can get; you use a lot of vibrators internally (and therefore require more clitoral oomph); you can’t stand not having the tip-top model of things; and/or you absolutely must experience the marshmallow Ultra Soft Finger Tip attachment in all its glory.

Because the marshmallow dulls the oscillation the most. It does its best work perched on the Top Deluxe. Which sucks, because it’s my favorite attachment these days. The three attachments that come with the 2 Plus are acceptable — they’re just not squishy.

The point remains that everyone with a clitoris should own the Eroscillator. But now, I can definitively say that the least expensive package also brings the oscillating goodness. $140 is still a lot of money, but the Eroscillator is a sex toy that repays you not just in orgasms, but in good orgasms. Deep ones. Ones the resonate through the legs of the clitoris. Ones that make you forget that you’re using a sex toy that looks like it was designed in 1998 (because it was).

The depth of its ugliness is matched only by the depth of the pleasure it brings. Get one, get one soon.

• Eroscillator 2 Plus — $140, three attachments
• Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo — $175, four attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe — $195, five attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe Soft Finger Combo — $230, six attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo — $255, seven attachments
• Separate attachments: Ultra Soft Finger Tip ($36), G-Point ($28), Seven Pearls and French Legionnaire’s Moustache ($50)
• And let’s not discuss the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Gold Edition — $466

1. Also, I was super paranoid about breaking the base of Britni’s Eroscillator. That would’ve been NO BUENO. [↩]

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here.

I was wondering if you’ve ever had an allergic reaction to any of your toys, or what you might suggest someone do if they did? (Other than buying 100% silicone/using a condom/etc. What if it’s too late, and they realize they’re having a reaction, what should they do?)

I’ve never experienced any sort of reaction to a toy, so I had to phone friends on this one. Thanks to Metis Black, InsatiablyTaken, beck42069, Lorax of Sex, Dangerous Lilly, septicidal, and many others on Facebook for their enormous help. Also, please remember that I am nowhere near a doctor.

If you have washed the toy before use, what you will most likely be experiencing is an allergic reaction and inflammation from the chemicals in the toy coming into contact with the skin. If this appears to be the case, here are some steps you can take immediately upon experiencing the reaction:

• Take a shower ASAP and rinse the inflamed area as much as you can with water only. If you don’t have access to a shower, try to find a baby wipe.
• Pee, to further flush stuff out of your urethra.
• Take Benadryl. The pill, not the cream.
• Call a nurse helpline and ask which additional steps you should take. Be honest and tell them that you believe an icky sex toy is the cause, since most will assume you have an STI or infection without additional info. Many do not know that sex toys are unregulated and can contain chemicals.
• Go without underwear for a while, or at least wear loose boxers to allow your skin to breathe. Don’t scratch the area.
• If you have trouble breathing or suspect your symptoms are worsening, go to the ER.

Other tips for temporarily relieving your symptoms:

• Take a sitz bath, perhaps with baking soda.
• Apply a cold compress.

If you have not washed a porous toy before use, it is possible (though not likely) that you have a yeast infection, UTI, or STI rather than an allergic reaction, in which case there would be different steps you’d need to take.

And just to reiterate, THROW OUT THE OFFENDING SEX TOY IMMEDIATELY. Replace it with something non-porous: silicone, glass, metal, or sealed wood. You having a reaction to the toy means that you absolutely cannot use porous (usually jelly) sex toys in the future, so please, spend a bit more money for something that’s not crap. Visit The Coalition Against Toxic Toys for more info.

Have you ever thought about reviewing one of the “adult” subscription boxes? Some of them are pricey, but it could be hilarious.

I’ve received an AVALANCHE of emails about these. For a while there, I felt like I was getting a new offer every week.

So far I know of Boink Box ($25-50/month or $85/quarter), Spicy Subscriptions ($25-35/month), LuvMyBox ($35/month), BlushBox ($50-100/quarter), Unbound Box ($45-65/box), Déjàmor ($35/month), SecretSexBox ($20/month), Bonr Box ($15/month), and Kissalo (£25+/month).

Each service, more or less, follows the same (often hetero-focused) pattern: cheap body products, dubious lube samples, some shitty “romance” item like a heart-shaped warmer, and maybe, if you’re lucky, a sex toy you could buy for under $15, but wouldn’t want to (seriously, two different boxes I read about contained cock rings that retail for under $5).

Sugarcunt reviewed LuvMyBox, pointing out, “you pretty much have to use [everything in the box] if you don’t want to have burned $35.” I suggest using your brain and buying sex products you actually want that are actually body-safe.

I said no to every offer I received because, while I’ve been known to review things solely to massacre them, lickable body butter and dust and glycerin-filled lube and gross sex toys are where I draw the line.

How far up are vaginal balls supposed to be inserted? I have the Je Joue Ami set, and I tend to insert them like an o.b. tampon, but I’m wondering if that’s too far up for their purpose. I haven’t found anything that says “this is how they should be inserted; if you feel this, you’ve gone too far.”

I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule about this. It’s basically what feels comfortable to you. I always push them past my pubic bone, then stop when I feel them pressing into my cervix. They feel weird to me if I don’t push them all the way up like that; plus, if they’re inserted too shallowly, they can worm their way out.

I looked it up, and apparently the PC muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone. So it sounds like nestling them past the pubic bone is the perfect spot anyway.

I’m looking for a comfy butt plug. A butt plug that I can wear for hours without everyone knowing I am wearing something in my ass. I should be able to walk around a lot, sit down, wear clothes that don’t reveal the toy, and not be worried that I could drop it. Do you know any kind of butt plug on the market like that?

Yes! I have high standards for my butt plugs that play into your needs. I don’t appreciate uncomfortable bases, and I get really annoyed when plugs either slide out or feel like they’re about to. Basically what you want is a plug with a comfortable and low-profile base, plus a narrow neck that will keep it securely in your ass.

Here are my recommendations:

• Fun Factory Bootie or Boosty
• Tantus Neo, Juice, or Ryder
• NobEssence Romp
• Whipspider Rubberworks The Screw
• Doc Johnson Mood Naughty
• njoy Pure Plug*

It just depends on which size/shape you want.

*The Pure Plug I’m not 100% sure about recommending for your situation, since it could be uncomfortable if you sit down on a hard chair. But stainless steel will probably be the least chafing of all the materials you could use anally and for extended wear.

I was reading about the Mr. Man dildo from Jollies on your site, and was incredibly disappointed to discover that it’s been discontinued. After doing a bit of searching, I came across this site that appears to sell them… but it looks a little sketchy. I was just wondering if you knew anything about it before I blindly throw my money at them. I REALLY want this product, but I don’t want to be out $65.

I’m glad you asked, because I do know. The site is run by the original creator of Mr. Man, Stacey. But Jollies is no longer involved, and the toy is being produced in PVC, NOT silicone (despite the fact that the website uses old photos of the silicone Mr. Man).

A friend of mine had the displeasure of smelling the new Mr. Man, and she said it smells horrible, which is a problem for a toy that is specifically meant to be sucked on. Stacey told me that she plans to make it in silicone once it “takes off,” but to be honest, I get a strong sense that she is nowhere near organized/smart enough to make that happen. I mean, look at that website. It’s a travesty.

I hate to say it, but I really think you should pass on this one.