Nov 232015
7-year blogiversary giveaway winners

The biggest giveaway of the year on this here blog has officially closed, and what a giveaway it was! There were over 4,800 individual entrants vying for 30 fantastic sex toy prizes. As always, I loved being a sex toy santa for a day and emailing all the winners! If you didn’t win this time around, I have two pieces of news to lift your spirits. One, this week is Thanksgiving and therefore Black Friday and therefore the most hardcore discounts on sex . . . read more

Nov 122015
Review: Bouncer

Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy who slices up fake IDs in vodka commercials. The guy who tells you your slacks are not appropriate for the sex club. The guy whose existence you begrudgingly accept because he might protect you from peril at some point, but who is mostly just macho and huge and ridiculous. It’s true that the Bouncer needs a technical name, though, since simply meandering . . . read more

Oct 222015
7-year blogiversary giveaway -- win one of 30 rad sex toys!

I am a bit concerned about you, peeps. Nary a whisper has been uttered to remind me that it’s October and therefore time for me to give away a pile of sex toys in celebration of my blogging anniversary. Have you forgotten? Or are you just patiently waiting for this post? WELL, IT IS HERE. [Bless Aerie for making these graphics! Hire them for any and all projects!] Each year, I refine this giveaway, and each year I ask myself, “how can . . . read more

Oct 052015
Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of human needs? Why do they fail to improve upon anything, to move forward in any meaningful way? Why do they insist upon peddling $4,000 bouncy . . . read more

Sep 192015
Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

It’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2. The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are . . . read more

Sep 032015
Review: kGoal

Recently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina? So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them. Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s . . . read more

Aug 222015
Orgasm giveaway winners!

DING — orgasm delivery! That pile of vibrators over there is soon to be distributed to five lucky winners: Elsie, Angel, Elizabeth, Alice, and Jane! I hope all of you enjoy your Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeables as much as I enjoy mine! This giveaway was a celebration of my 600th post on this blog, and also an opportunity for you to discuss which household objects you wish would become cordless and rechargeable. By far the most popular responses were vacuums and hair dryers. The . . . read more

Aug 082015
Jack-off Journal #19

February 11, 2015 META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Aerie to read in the other room and thrust myself into my office for two quick orgasms with the Hitachi, which I desperately needed after a day of nonchalantly skipping through porn files and editing screenshots. February 28, 2015 Please, god, let this be the last time my vagina experiences the Afterglow and its laser light “technology.” Let this rabbit-infested masturbation nightmare end. Determined to definitively . . . read more

Jul 312015
600 posts = orgasm giveaway!

This is the 600th post on this blog. I got all sentimental when I hit 500 posts, so this time I’m going to put the champagne down, hold back my tears, and give you something better: orgasms. Some may doubt that I can give away orgasms. Orgasms aren’t for sale and don’t come in a box… usually. But the recently-released Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable is an exception. I feel confident that most people who touch this vibrator to their genitals will have an orgasm. It . . . read more