Oct 292014
 

Lovehoney Sqweel Go oral sex toy in a tiny casserole dish“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens.

There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009:

. . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy.

When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be:

Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall.

But lo, here it is. The Sqweel Go is literally 1/4 the size of the Sqweel 2; it fits in the palm of your hand and you will want to hug it. It makes the other Sqweels look like the vulva-hogging monsters they definitely are. And it’s USB rechargeable!

The Sqweel Go comes with unmemorable packaging, a USB cord, and a manual — no storage bag. It’s $60, the same price as the Sqweel 2, which isn’t bad at all for a rechargeable toy. It’s listed as “submersible.” Cleaning is kind of a pain because the tongues don’t move when the toy is off, and they can’t be dismantled like in previous generations.

And there is a flaw in the “shrink the Sqweel” plan that I had not anticipated. By shrinking the tongues, the breadth of the stimulation is lessened to an almost upsetting degree. It’s now more of an undulating sensation than a flapping sensation. Girly Juice described it as “like receiving cunnilingus from a pixie,” and I cannot improve upon that description. (I’d rather receive cunnilingus from a manic pixie dream girl, myself.)

Although this wouldn’t be a proper review of an “oral sex” toy without me taking a moment to stress that cunnilingus does not feel like a mechanical wheel of tongues. You have no idea how many times I have said a variation of that sentence in my lifetime.

The noise level has not been improved. According to an app on my boyfriend’s phone, both the Sqweel 2 and Sqweel Go clock in at 66 dB. The mechanical sound remains; perhaps it is inherent in having a wheel that turns. However, the Sqweel 2 is much more high-pitched. It’s no Beatles concert, but it’s not pleasant either.

The Sqweel Go’s motor is also puny, wimpy. The first two steady speeds are too weak, and the three patterns have too many drops in speed and movement to feel good. Only the top steady speed is acceptable as a pleasurable sensation, and the sensation is dampened considerably the closer I press the tongues into my clit. Sqweel Go orgasms are a disappointment, because the stimulation gets me to the orgasm, but the peak is bungled if I involuntarily press the toy into my body at all.

By comparison, the enormous Sqweel 2 feels much more intense, even on its lowest setting, and does not cause unsatisfactory orgasms. I may have to wrangle any dildo I use with it, pressing the dildo awkwardly toward the floor to make room for the bumbling Sqweel, but at least the pleasure is more consistent.

So either way, I’m giving something up. With the Sqweel Go, I’m giving up power. With the Sqweel 2, I’m giving up a sensible size. Choosing between them, though, I’d have to go with the toy that gets me off without incident: the Sqweel 2.

The Sqweel Commandments remain unchanged. Observe them always.

  • Thou shalt not use the Sqweel when not aroused
  • Thou shalt use tons of lube
  • Thou shalt wear headphones
  • Thou shalt let go of any illusion that the Sqweel will feel anything like cunnilingus

Slap me upside the head all you want, Lovehoney, because I deserve it, but I’m going to ask for at least one more generation of this crazy contraption. I’ll let you off the hook on the noise thing, and feel free to make it slightly bigger than a gerbil, but I want more speeds, (much) more power behind the movements, and a return to larger tongues. I’m insatiable. I’m sorry.

Thank you, Lovehoney!

See Epiphora's favorite toys and get 10% off at Lovehoney!

See all my favorite toys at Lovehoney and get 10% off your order!

Oct 212014
 

October is the month when the leaves start turning, my sweaters finally get put to good use, and I celebrate that one time 6 years ago I thought it might be fun to start a blog.

As has become tradition, I launch an epic blogiversary giveaway each October. Each year I have outdone myself, and last year I gave away 18 prizes. Naturally, this year, I’m giving away 37… 52 if you count all the bottles of lube. Because that’s not setting myself up for failure next year or anything. So quoth my friend, “one of these days you’ll just give away a whole store.”

Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!

[Everyone bow down to the freakishly talented Aerie for creating the graphics
for this giveaway. If you ever need someone to make you graphics, HIRE AERIE.]

As per usual, I am only giving away toys I’ve tried and loved — because my readers deserve only the best. But this time, rather than single prizes, I’ve created swanky prize packs. This is some high-end shit, yo, and almost all of them come with a bottle of water-based lube from my favorite lube makersSliquid. Plus, half the prize packs are available to my international readers!

How to enter: Read about each of the prize packs below, choose your very favorite (carefully — you can’t change your pick after you’ve entered), then enter using the widget. Entry techniques range from drop-dead simple (following me on Twitter, which you likely already do since I’m a hoot) to in-depth (filling out a survey about my blog).

This giveaway ends on Monday, November 10th at 11:59 pm PST.

Forever thankful to the companies who donated: LELOSheVibeLovehoneyTantus, EroscillatorWe-Vibe, Fun FactoryFleshlight, SliquidVixen Creations, OhMiBodCrystal DelightsBabelandNobEssence, njoyEarly to BedGood Vibrations, and Vibratex!

Open to everyone / international readers

Sex toy prize pack: Ryder butt plug + LELO Mona 2+ Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case + Sliquid lube

The Ryder butt plug, donated by Tantus, the LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Ryder is a wonderfully filling silicone butt plug that is also incredibly comfortable. The rechargeable Mona 2 is basically the vibrator of the decade. Versatile as fuck, with a range of vibrations that could suit almost anyone. Store them in the toy case and you’re good to go!

Sex toy prize pack: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original + njoy Pure Plug + Sliquid lube

The (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original, donated by Vibratex, and the njoy Pure Plug in your choice of size, donated by njoy. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Magic Wand (formerly known as the Hitachi) is one of the strongest vibrators ever — loved by those with clits and those with penises. Meanwhile, your butt can delight in the unprecedented weight and shape of the Pure Plug. Stainless steel is officially THE BEST anal toy material around.

International winner of this pack agrees to pay customs/duties fees if applicable.

Sex toy prize pack: LELO Ella + LELO Mia 2 + LELO Luna Beads + Sliquid lube

The LELO EllaLELO Mia 2, and LELO Luna Beads, all donated by the fantastic LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

A veritable smorgasbord of adorable and effective sex toys! The Ella is an awesome G-spot dildo, the Mia 2 is a discreet little USB-rechargeable vibe, and the Luna Beads are my favorite way to do kegel exercises. BAM.

Sex toy prize pack: SheVibe $100 gift card
A $100 gift card to SheVibe!

If you read this list and aren’t feeling any of the prize packs, I suggest this gift card instead! SheVibe stocks pretty much every good sex toy on earth, including some obscure yet awesome brands. They are great so you’re sure to find just what you want there.

Sex toy prize pack: NYTC dildo, Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness, Sliquid lube
The New York Toy Collective dildo of your choice, donated by SheVibe, and the Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

New York Toy Collective makes two dildos — the Shilo and Mason — with bendable inner cores. This means you can pack and play with them. And what better harness to use when you play than the Spareparts Joque? Aside from being super comfortable and adjustable, the Joque is also machine-washable.

Open to winners in the US, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Sex toy prize pack: OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle, We-Vibe Touch, Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case, Sliquid lube
The OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle, donated by OhMiBod, the We-Vibe Touch, donated by We-Vibe, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Vibes, vibes, vibes, plus a place to store them! The Cuddle is a highly-adjustable rechargeable vibe in a manageable size. The We-Vibe Touch is a petite rechargeable vibe small enough to nestle in the palm, but equipped with enough oomph to satisfy. I thought they needed a case, so there.

Sex toy prize pack: $150 Tantus gift card
A $150 gift card to Tantus!

Oh dang, what will you get in their awesome online shop? The Splash? The Cush O2? Or perhaps the awesome Juice, Rocket, or Duke? So many possibilities! If you’re in need of the high-quality silicone dildos and butt plugs (and who isn’t?), this gift card is for you.

Sex toy prize pack: Fleshlight + Shower Mount + Sliquid lube
Fleshlight of the winner’s choice, plus a Shower Mount for it, donated by Fleshlight. Plus a bottle of water-based Sliquid Organics lube!

The years go by, and the Fleshlight remains the gold standard for my most treasured penis owner (my boyfriend). With this prize pack, you have your pick of the litter — any Fleshlight you desire — plus a Shower Mount so you can go to town while singing “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Sex toy prize pack: njoy Pure Wand + njoy Pure Plug + Sliquid lube
The njoy Pure Wand and njoy Pure Plug, in your choice of size, donated by njoy. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

njoy offered more prizes than what I originally asked for, and who am I to say no? So, if you want all stainless steel all the time (and I don’t blame you), this is your prize pack. Your G-spot and your butt will sing like a choir of angels.

International winner of this pack agrees to pay customs/duties fees if applicable.

Open to U.S. readers only

Sex toy prize pack: Fun Factory Stronic Eins + PicoBong Ako + Sliquid lube
The Fun Factory Stronic Eins, donated by Fun Factory, and the PicoBong Ako, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Stronic Eins does not vibrate; it THRUSTS. And if you prop it up against a pillow, you don’t even have to hold it. I often crave it specifically — a sure sign of excellence in my household. I’ve paired it here with a small but mighty battery-operated vibe that looks like a bean.

Sex toy prize pack: njoy Pure Wand + Liberator Throe + Sliquid lube
The njoy Pure Wand, donated by njoy, and the Liberator Throe, donated by Babeland. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

No big deal, guys, just one of the greatest G-spotting dildos of all time plus the most water-resistant sex blanket available today. Only the toy that has taught millions1 of vaginas to squirt. And you can, too, with the peace of mind that comes with having a Throe under your butt.

Sex toy prize pack: Fun Factory Bootie + NobEssence Romp + Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case + Sliquid lube
The Fun Factory Bootie, donated by Fun Factory, the NobEssence Romp, donated by NobEssence, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Butt plugs ahoy, plus a place to keep ‘em! These plugs are two of my all-time favorites. The Bootie is the perfect plug for anyone and everyone with a butt, while the Romp is a gorgeous, sculpted wooden plug that will make you believe in heaven. OK, maybe I’m getting out of hand. Or maybe not…

Sex toy prize pack: Vixen VixSkin dildo of choice + Aslan Jaguar harness + Sliquid lube
A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations, and the Aslan Jaguar harness, donated by Early to Bed. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Ooh, friend, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. It will spoil you for life. Choose from any of Vixen’s amazing designs — my favorites are the Buck, Mustang, and Maverick — and then strap it into the legendary Aslan Jaguar harness (available in leather or vegan faux leather), because the softness of VixSkin is made for strap-on play.

Sex toy prize pack: Eroscillator Top Deluxe / Soft Finger Combo + Sliquid lube
The Eroscillator Top Deluxe / Soft Finger Combo, donated by Eroscillator. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

This one has stood the test of time, holding up as one of the greatest clitoral stimulators I’ve ever tried. As always, look past its fugly exterior to the toy within — a toy that oscillates, and feels different and deeper than a traditional vibrator. It’s not a cheap toy, which is why it sits alone in this pack save for lube, but it’s so good.

Sex toy prize pack: Crystal Delights Ash Girl + LELO Mona 2 + Sliquid lube
The Crystal Delights Ash Girl, donated by Crystal Delights, and the LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

A highly-textured glass dildo with sparkling Swarovski crystal base, the Ash Girl is yet another home run for Crystal Delights. Pair it with the unstoppable Mona 2 vibrator and you have a winning combination for sure.

Sex toy prize pack: NobEssence Seduction + LELO Siri + Sliquid lube
The NobEssence Seduction, donated by NobEssence, and the LELO Siri, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Seduction is one of my top 3 G-spot dildos of all time. I love how lightweight the wood is, and the both ends are epic G-spotters. I’ve teamed the Seduction up with the LELO Siri vibe because the Siri is the perfect size for using during crazy G-spot times.

Sex toy prize pack: Jopen Comet II Wand + We-Vibe Tango + Sliquid lube
The Jopen Comet II Wand, donated by Good Vibrations, and the We-Vibe Tango, donated by We-Vibe. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

This silicone-dipped vibrator is disgustingly good at G-spotting. The drag of the silicone is amazing at replicating the “come hither” motion that G-spots love. And in case you need more stimulation, the We-Vibe Tango will rattle your clit into oblivion. Subtlety will not be involved.

Sex toy prize pack: Vixen VixSkin dildo of choice + Vibratex Mystic Wand + Sliquid lube
A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations, and the Vibratex Mystic Wand, donated by Vibratex. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Ooh, friend, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. It will spoil you for life. Choose from any of Vixen’s amazing designs — my favorites are the Buck, Mustang, and Maverick — and you’ll also get my favorite battery-operated wand vibrator, the mighty Mystic Wand.


Ready to enter? Excellent!

6-year blogiversary giveaway

Deadline: Monday, November 10th, 2014 at 11:59 p.m. PST.

Restrictions:

  • All winners must be 18+.
  • If you enter for a prize that cannot be shipped to your country, I will have to choose a new winner.
  • Winners will have 48 hours to respond to emails, or their prize will be forfeited.
  1. rough estimate []
Oct 112014
 

Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet

Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the G-spot doesn’t exist, and here we are again, with yet another news source “reporting” (I use that word quite loosely) on yet another “study” “proving” that the G-spot is a “myth” and EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND TOUCH YOUR CLITORIS.

It’s not the first, and it will never be the last, but it’s the one that broke me.

My soul has been cracking, little by little, each time this happens. Like that time a sex educator drew a question mark on an anatomy chart in place of a G-spot. That time a guy dared to write a book called What Do Women Want? and then went on Tristan Taormino’s radio show and claimed that “science hasn’t settled these questions” about the G-spot. And my personal favorite: that time over 1,000 people reported that they have G-spots and the media distilled that study into the headline “the G-spot doesn’t exist,” while a single solitary dude dissected a cadaver and the media piped up helpfully, “G-spot found.”

It wasn’t the “study” itself that broke me, although it is highly problematic too, but the “reporting” surrounding it. Folks are glancing at these scare-tactic headlines — “We Have Some Bad News About The G-Spot,” really? Like parents announcing a divorce? — and never reading beyond them. Or, worse, taking the time to read the articles only to be inculcated with false information.

There is much lazy reporting. With no compass for decoding it… until now.

Let’s begin with the headline.

The G-Spot And ‘Vaginal Orgasm’ Are Myths, According To New Clinical Review

As always, it is bold. It is definitive. It is clickbait. There is always a stock photo — of a woman moaning in faux-pleasure, a woman grasping a dude’s back like a cat climbing a curtain, or a tangle of four feet in dire need of someone to tuck them in. When posted on Facebook, the headline changes to the even more clickbaity “There’s A Reason You Can’t Find Your G-Spot.” Oh yeah. Reel ‘em in.

Now, how does one start an article about the G-spot when so much has been said about the G-spot? By stating that much has been said about the G-spot.

The struggle to find the G-spot and achieve the mythical “vaginal orgasm” is real. Books have been written on it; sex therapists have explained how to stimulate it; even Cosmopolitan magazine has tried to instruct dutiful readers how to find it.

Benign, yes? No. It calls the vaginal orgasm “mythical.” It states that “even Cosmopolitan magazine has tried to instruct dutiful readers how to find it” — in other words, even the lowly Cosmo has jumped on the bandwagon, trying (bless their hearts) to instruct dutiful (read: clueless) readers how to find the G-spot. They might as well be fumbling around in the dark for their contact lenses, am I right?!

This is a good time to gaze upon the address bar of your browser, at which point you may find the URL to begin with huffingtonpost.com. Ah yes, the place where all the regurgitated non-news is published. Who is this author, Rebecca Adams? I don’t know, but she seems to like elephants and has also written “Study Finds That ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’ Is Pretty Dead On.”

But a review published this week in the journal Clinical Anatomy may just halt all of these fruitless quests with the conclusion that neither the elusive G-spot nor the vaginal orgasm exist.

Very important distinction, here: a literature review has been published — not a study. Nothing has actually been studied. The researchers have simply rounded up other studies and projected their insecurities and biases upon them come to a conclusion. For a moment I want to quote the actual literature review in question (which I read in its pedantic, exclamation-point-ridden entirety) because this pretty much says it all:

The vaginal orgasm does not exist, so the duration of penile–vaginal intercourse is not important for a woman’s orgasm. Many men think long intercourse is the key to having orgasms during intercourse, but long intercourse is not helpful to women and some females may be grateful to get it over with quickly.

Take a deep breath.

Back to the HuffPo article.

“Like most things that are about sex, people get very hot and bothered on either end of this, but I really can’t say from my clinical practice that I’m at all convinced that there is a G-spot,” Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital and author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life (who was not involved in the new review), told The Huffington Post. “I think that a lot of women are very frustrated trying to attain something that may not be attainable.”

Behold the magical bait-and-switch: we are suddenly introduced to a professional of some sort who… had absolutely nothing to do with the literature review in question. NOTHING. The writer at HuffPo must’ve been like, “okay, so there’s this new thing about the G-spot, and I want to write about it because page hitz, but it’s kinda dry if I simply report the facts. Let me call someone and get some QUOTES!”

Of course, they needed someone to support the review’s “findings,” so it’s not like they could ask Tristan Taormino or Beverly Whipple. So they got Dr. Gail Saltz, who is neither a sex researcher nor a sex therapist nor anything beginning with “sex.” Yes, she’s written one book about sex (which has 7 reviews on Amazon despite being out since 2009), but that’s it. By her own description, she is a psychiatrist, columnist, and TV commentator.

She also has less followers than I do on Twitter. Yes, I just went there. #noregrets

In their Clinical Anatomy article, Italian researchers Vincenzo Puppo and Giulia Puppo stress the importance of using the correct terminology when discussing female sexual organs and women’s capacity for orgasm. They write that the so-called G-spot, a term that refers to a pleasurable spot located inside the vagina in the pelvic urethra, doesn’t exist — rather, every woman has the capacity to orgasm if her clitoris is stimulated. As such, the term “vaginal orgasm” is incorrect and “female orgasm” should be used instead, they argue.

Note the names of the researchers. Often it’s a dude parade. This one’s unusual because it seems to be a man and a woman (although I can’t find barely any information about them aside from this recent rash of news articles, which is… suspicious).

Also, if you look closely you’ll realize that HuffPo is actually revealing the true content of Puppo and Puppo’s review: an argument about semantics. The Puppos argue that tons of anatomical terms have no “scientific bias,” and therefore female ejacuation should really be called “female emission,” etc. etc. etc.

But that’s boring! Let’s move on!

The original research on G-spots, led by Addiego, who coined the term after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg in 1981, was based on a woman who “identified an erotically sensitive spot, palpable through the anterior wall of her vagina.” When the area was touched, it became larger and the woman reported increased sensitivity, pleasure and a desire to urinate — all of which led Addiego to conclude “the orgasms she experienced in response to the Gräfenberg stimulation felt much the same.”

However, the new review points out that the woman also reported that, at the time of testing, she had been diagnosed with a grade one cystocele, a condition in which “the supportive tissue between a woman’s bladder and vaginal wall weakens and stretches, allowing the bladder to bulge into the vagina.” The resulting side effects of cystocele, the authors argue, make the woman a poor candidate for the basis of a sexual theory with flimsy subsequent medical proof.

One woman one time had a condition that could have skewed stuff and therefore NO G-SPOT. HAHAHA, GOTCHU.

Among other highly unconvincing arguments for the G-spot’s non-existence, the literature review also argues that a certain “thick, detailed book” only makes “a passing mention of the G-spot” and therefore “one can only infer that the G-spot, if it does indeed exist, is devoid of importance in the female orgasm.” One can only infer. Meanwhile, HuffPo is making some rad blanket statements…

Neglecting the clitoris and emphasizing the G-spot may be why so many women don’t orgasm.

This sounds like a thing you should nod in agreement about, but please don’t. Yes, the G-spot is sometimes put on a pedestal. Yes, some people believe that vaginal orgasms should be easy and therefore don’t focus on exploring clitoral ones. But there are about a thousand other reasons “many women don’t orgasm,” including moronic sex partners having no goddamn patience, or sex ed never mentioning any sort of pleasure anatomy. To continually push the G-spot as the cause of all our sexual shortcomings is ludicrous.

Despite previous studies, the researchers say the vagina has no anatomical relationship with the clitoris. They write: “The correct and simple anatomical term to describe the cluster of erectile tissues (i.e. clitoris, vestibular bulbs and pars intermedia, labia minora, and corpus spongiosum of the female urethra) responsible for female orgasm, is ‘female penis.'”

This is the precise moment that broke me. The sentence that so infuriated me I opened the WordPress dashboard and started verbally ejaculating this post. Female penis?! FEMALE PENIS. I can’t. Defining vulvar anatomy in relation to penises: STOP. The literature review also reads: “Moreover, the ‘clitoral complex’ cannot be analogous to the male penis: there is no vagina in the male penis!” Exclamation points!

While the concept of a “female penis” may sound strange, the clitoris and penis have quite a few similarities when it comes to sexual pleasure, starting with their shape (see the illustration above), and that increased blood flow causes their spongy tissues to engorge as orgasm approaches. The problem is, much of the unerect clitoris isn’t visible — it may be up to 9 centimeters long, according to a seminal paper on the clitoris published by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell in 1998.

The inclusion of this tidbit of fairly-well-agreed-upon science, that of the internal clitoris, is particularly hilarious because if you read the actual literature review this article is based on? The researchers claim, IN THE FOURTH SENTENCE OF THE ABSTRACT, that “the internal/inner clitoris does not exist: the entire clitoris is an external organ.” Again, because semantics. But I guess that didn’t fit the narrative HuffPo wanted.

We’re nearing the end of the article and yet somehow a factoid about G-spot-enhancing medical procedures has not been included, so com’n, author, shove one in wherever you want.

Doctors offer G-spot-enhancing procedures, a practice Jeffrey Spike, a bioethicist at Florida State University’s College of Medicine, equated with “medical fraud” in a 2007 interview, adding that “the G-spot belongs in the same category as angels and unicorns.” (The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists also called out these procedures for the lack of data on efficacy and safety.)

Apparently the G-spot cannot exist if we are to shun the medical enhancement of it. Or something. I don’t know. Also the sensation of my G-spot being stimulated is kinda like angels singing.

The end of the article is near, and the author hunts for a fitting conclusion. The literature review, again, is too dry, not punchy enough, and reading it for quotes would take too long. Anti-G-spot advocate from TV? Play us out!

As for the women who do claim to achieve orgasm from “G-spot” stimulation? More power to you, Saltz said (well, in a nutshell). But she also said that being so singularly goal-oriented toward orgasm may not be the most direct route to pleasure.

“The way that we talk about it in society, many women feel that [orgasm] is what they’re supposed to do and that that would be the supreme success of the encounter,” Saltz said. “But most women do report that it’s the closeness; it’s the shared intimacy; and, of course, the physical arousal is pleasurable by itself.”

. . .”The G-spot is an issue and there are definitely people who feel strongly that it’s real,” Saltz said. “But I think that women who are fairly sexually educated know that their clitoris is where it’s at, so to speak.”

Let’s all start a slow clap for Miss Saltz. She literally just tried to argue that folks should not prioritize a specific type of pleasure, yet here she is, telling us that anyone who prioritizes the G-spot is sexually uneducated, because the “clitoris is where it’s at.” I expect nothing less from a person who has authored books entitled Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back and Anatomy of a Secret Life: Are the People in Your Life Hiding Something You Should Know?. This lady is really into lies, so it only makes sense that she loves the lie of the mythological G-spot.

And she’s great at spouting conclusive-sounding quotes. So HuffPo is happy.

So what have we learned, class?

  • Don’t believe the panicked headlines. The G-spot is alive and well.
  • The author of the article likely has never done any significant research into the history of the G-spot and studies about it until 6 hours ago. But as media consumers in our culture, they know the narrative they should follow — and by god, they’re gonna follow it.
  • Consider the source and read closely to uncover biases, particular wording, and distracting quotes from only marginally-related sources.
  • If you don’t have time to read the study itself, do not share the article or absorb it into your consciousness.
  • If you do have time to read the study itself, remember that researchers have biases too — and literature reviews love to cherry-pick data.
  • Most G-spot studies nowadays are arguing semantics.
  • Any study disregarding the actual sexual experiences of people with vaginas is bullshit.

And fuck, if you have a vagina, trust your body above all. Unlike most researchers, I come from the place of having actual physical experience with the G-spot. Until about age 20, I had no opinion about it whatsoever. When I discovered sex toys, I leisurely looked for it. Then I felt the rumblings of G-spot stimulation, so I thrusted faster, and I squirted. I’ve loved G-spot stimulation ever since, and routinely insist that my sex toys stroke the fuck out of my G-spot.

And I’ve felt the G-spot of someone else. Fingers in their vagina, I’ve felt the unique corrugated texture and listened as they instructed me to press harder, curl my fingers more. I’ve witnessed the pleasure wash over their body, and it is familiar to me, because I’ve felt it myself — almost every time I use an insertable sex toy.

That is not a bias. It’s not a delusion. That is a fact.

The G-spot is not a hoax invented by heathens to shame people for the kind of pleasure they experience. It is an actual area in the vagina (commonly known as the urethral sponge) that causes sensation when touched a certain way. Some people like the sensation, some hate it, some are indifferent. People vary. Responses vary. Responses vary over time, in different situations, with different toys and techniques. People are, if you can believe it, nuanced.

But not enjoying G-spot stimulation, not liking the word G-spot, or not believing in the G-spot does not will it out of existence. Nor does writing clickbaity headlines.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have a great need to squirt all over the floor.

Sep 302014
 

OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure, Smile, Discover, and CuddleOhMiBod is commonly known as the sex toy company that makes music- and app-responsive vibrators, but their Lovelife line is a departure, and a valiant effort. It’s a line of less expensive rechargeable toys that do not care whether you’re blasting Meatloaf.

Usually, for a rechargeable vibrator, you’ll spend at least $90, and up to $200 depending on size, functionality, and arrogance of the brand. In the Lovelife line, you can get a rechargeable vibe for as low as $59. Which is not to say that you should — each toy falls in a very different place on the scale of “trash” to “treasure.”

There are seven toys in the Lovelife line, all named after the things that OhMiBod co-founders Suki and Brian believe are important to a lasting relationship: Smile, Discover, Dream, Cuddle, Share, Adventure, and Flex. Hold back your vomit. I settled on four out of seven: Adventure (the triple stimulator), Smile (the little clitoral vibe), Discover (the stout slimline vibe), and Cuddle (the small insertable G-spotter).

I face a conundrum in wanting to critique the ALL PINK ALL THE TIME mantra of this line, which is that there are good acceptable passable reasons for it: it’s Suki’s favorite color, it’s the number one seller according to “market research,” and OhMiBod didn’t have enough money to make the line in more than one color. So, let your eyes adjust to the dusty pink silicone and accept your fate as I have.

Many things in the Lovelife line are proportional: the boxes1, the manuals, the white satin storage bags, and most significantly — the motors. The small toys have surface-level buzz while the larger ones have deeper vibrations. You can hear the difference when you turn them on — the Smile sounds high-pitched and whiny, while the Adventure has a lower, rumblier tone.

But the toys are still identical in several respects. They each charge via USB cord (2.5 hours), feature 6 intensity levels and 7 scalable pulsation patterns (a few patterns are likeable, but have too many gaps — why would I want the vibration to ever stop?), are brandished on the base with the embossed word OhMiBod, and come with a 1 year warranty.

The heart-shaped control pad on each toy has three buttons: plus, minus, and squiggle, which together resemble “a person who’s been hurt in the eye,” according to my friend who I swear is an adult and can normally formulate sentences. The buttons feel cheap and make a chintzy clacking sound when pressed, and they don’t behave the way you’d expect: the squiggle (not the plus) must be held to turn the toy on, and the plus/minus buttons have to be clicked briefly (not held down) to increase/decrease intensity. It took a bit for my brain to adjust appropriately.

One point of contention among reviewers is that the entire line is splashproof only — not waterproof like most rechargeable toys. Again, this was a price point decision,2 and one that in my opinion pays off, because we need more high-quality silicone toys in this price bracket. Obviously, these toys cannot be submerged, but I clean mine under running water (avoiding the charging port) and have had no issues.

The white plastic handles do tend to stain, though. I clean and dry my toys in the kitchen, and a couple of the Lovelife toys have spots on them — maybe from grease? So now the person who was hurt in the eye has a bruise.

Smile ($59)

OhMiBod Lovelife Smile vibrator

I’m a freak and so the Smile is the one that intrigued me the most at first. I don’t know why. It looks like a tiny butt crack. I mean heart.

But it’s the worst of the entire batch. The shape is pinpoint and interesting, but it vibrates in a shallow, one-dimensional way, which newbies may not understand but seasoned vets will immediately recognize. The thing is, newbies deserve deeper vibrations, lest they think all sex toys feel like Rich Cronin’s girlfriend buzzing like a hornet.

The moment I touch this toy to my clit, I think, “how much longer must I endure this?” The answer is always: “not long.” I love you guys, but I can spot a bad orgasm a mile away.

Discover ($59)

OhMiBod Lovelife Discover vibrator

This short, unassuming slimline vibe would be great if it had any power beyond the buzz. It does not. Its motor is similar to the Smile’s: weak, buzzy, and sad, although marginally stronger.

Again, I’m not quite dedicated enough to my craft to bring myself to orgasm with this. I could do it, but I would be perturbed the entire way.

Cuddle ($69)

OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle vibrator

Here’s where things get interesting. I really really like the Cuddle. It has the power, adjustability, variety, and shape that folks deserve — at a pretty unbeatable price.

Primarily, its vibrations are deeper and stronger than the smaller Lovelife toys. Cuddle is also a lot stronger than both the LELO Gigi 2 ($119) and the battery-operated PicoBong Moka/Zizo ($47/$40). Most disturbingly, it’s about 75% as strong as my favorite vibrator the LELO Mona 2 ($139), just more buzzy. For literally half the price. HALF.

And let us not forget the sheer number of vibration intensity settings: 6! That’s right, biches, no more 3 “I hope you like all of them” settings. We deserve better, and that is what Cuddle gives us. (So do the other toys in the Lovelife line, but the Cuddle has the motor to back them up.)

The Cuddle is fairly petite but wonderfully curved, which makes it an excellent clitoral vibrator as well as a manageable insertable. Its subtle head makes for effortless insertion, and as I slide it in further it gently hooks up against my G-spot. It’s too small to blow my G-spot’s mind, but it’s ergonomic and hard to mess up.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and call this toy the best thing OhMiBod has ever made. I haven’t tried everything, but I can extrapolate based on past experiences. The Cuddle is the simple, effective vibrator the brand — and the world — needed. Good work, team.

Adventure ($99)

OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure vibrator

Aptly named, the Adventure is the biggest gamble in the Lovelife line. It has three motors, and it vibrates at the lowest pitch, so it’s certainly strong and stimulating. But it’s also oddly-shaped and extremely rigid — so it’s the most anatomy-specific, with some reviewers hailing it as the next messiah while others decry its incompatibility with their genitals. I’m somewhere in between.

The Adventure fits my anatomy well. The shaft is not G-spotty or particularly noticeable, but it locks into place smoothly. The clitoral prong is pointy, so the stimulation feels sort of forceful, which I like, but others definitely won’t. The anal part just barely touches me, but it is pleasant.

This toy stays in place remarkably well, and if I were really determined it could provide a hands-free orgasm, but I like to wrangle it and give it that extra oomph of pressure. I basically settle the clitoral prong into the left side of my clit and hold it there. There is no way to turn off vibration in the insertable part, or adjust the motors separately, but the vibration is strongest in the prongs. As it should be.

And it’s fucking strong. And rumbly.

So while I don’t tend to care for dual/rabbit vibes in the first place, the Adventure is probably my favorite one to date. The vibrations aren’t paltry and I don’t have to finagle it to achieve contact with my clit, so I’m happy. At $99, it’s priced very well — but it’s a hard toy to recommend due to all the different locations of clits in the world. (I’ve heard it’s excellent on the prostate, though.)

———

I’m firmly half and half with the Lovelife line. The smaller toys, with their buzzy-ass motors, are a flop no matter how you price them. But the larger ones represent an intriguing — and mostly successful — foray into less expensive rechargeables. (And I’ve never seen OhMiBod implement stupid marketing tactics, which helps tremendously.)

Keeping my absurd love for the LELO Mona 2 in mind, you will understand the enormity of the compliment when I say that the Cuddle is like the Mona Lite — a bit less luxurious, a little less strong/rumbly, and not waterproof, but nearly as versatile and astronomically cheaper. I almost, momentarily, can forget that it only comes in pink. OhMiBod, what have you done to me.

Find the Lovelife line at SheVibe, Good Vibes, Babeland, and Early to Bed.

  1. A lot has been said about how sturdy and reusable the boxes are… which is true, except the boxes are SO ANNOYING to pull apart. I sat on the floor pondering whether I needed to keep any of them. []
  2. “We decided against full waterproof because of overall end consumer price trade off. The costs for the initial molds are much higher and the per product cost increase significantly enough to change the price point — with Lovelife we made this tradeoff so we could keep the price point in the mid range level.” []
Sep 222014
 

Fun Toys G-Vibe creepin' on the neighborsThere are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back.

Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe.

Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula:

  • Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes”
  • A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for it… VISITING A SINGLE SEX SHOP (serious R&D is serious)
  • Sprinkle on some disdain for the sex toy industry, bemoaning that all toys are horrible, which the creator now knows because he VISITED A SINGLE SEX SHOP
  • Exclaim how innovative! revolutionary! unique! this new toy is, it has NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, EVER (nevermind the Split Dildo, Leaf Vitality, or LELO’s entire Insignia line)
  • List the toy’s assets which just happen to be features that many sex toys today have: body-safe materials, rechargeable batteries, cute packaging
  • Toss in some bullshit about WOMEN and what women want because women are obvs all the same
  • Life-changing

That story certainly did not convince me to try the G-Vibe, but then Lorax gave me the idea for this photo of it creeping on the neighbors, at which point I just had to say yes. Other photo ideas included opening a jar with it, putting pressure on the eyelids, and using it as tongs to pick up hot food. Photo options should always be why a reviewer requests a toy, right?

That and masochism. Obviously.

The G-Vibe comes with a white drawstring bag, a USB charging cord, and a manual that is little more than drawings. The prongs are about 3″ insertable and 1″ in diameter each when split, 6″ insertable and 1.35″ in diameter when held together. This toy has 3 buttons (plus, minus, mode) that function exactly like those in the LELO Insignia line. It is not waterproof.

According to the creators, the G-Vibe is so versatile you can use it at least 8 different ways. Sorry, but I’m not going to use it like tweezers on my clit, and the only nipples it would be able to stimulate at the same time would be those of a child. So that leaves me with still too many a few options: insert the whole shebang, use it vaginally and clitorally simultaneously, or use it vaginally and anally simultaneously.

Using it vaginally and anally was the worst mistake of my life and I never want to talk about it ever again. It fucking poked my ass and I was sore for a whole day afterward.

Entirely inserted vaginally, the G-Vibe thankfully feels nowhere near as awful as the Split Dildo. It’s not as rigid, so it’s not as difficult to insert, it doesn’t inflict pain, and it doesn’t feel like it’s pulling my insides out when I remove it.

But it doesn’t feel good. With both prongs inserted, button side up, it is vaguely pointy. It’s supposed to stimulate my G-spot and my perineal sponge (also called the PS-spot by idiots), but doesn’t do either. If I turn it sideways, it’s more comfortable and provides more of a stretching sensation — but the prongs literally open away from my G-spot, which, no. This toy hits exactly zero spots in my vag. A cardinal sin for a toy which claims it will hit so many spots.

And I keep thinking this is what it would be like to be fingered by Salad Fingers.

The prongs are, according to the inventor, supposed to “spread apart once inside the vagina to create a sensation of fullness without actually stretching the labia.” But a lot of the joy of stretching comes from fullness at the vaginal opening and just inside the vagina. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, dude who seemingly wants to keep his woman’s labia taut.

I’ll give the G-Vibe one thing: used as a dual vibe, with one prong in my vag and the other against my clit, the clitoral portion makes a lot of sense. The length of the upper prong ensures it will hit most clits and also allows me to thrust a bit. But the internal part feels like nothing, and the vibrations are… unfortunate. They feel okay on lower settings, but the higher you go, the more it feels like a bug zapper.

Therefore, I feel no desire to keep the G-Vibe in my vicinity.

There’s a newer version, the G-Vibe Noir, which is waterproof, more expensive, and has a third motor in the least helpful location. Also, it’s limited edition, because companies should always only produce 10,000 units of upgraded versions of their toys. Totally.

There’s a reason the G-Vibe is only available on Amazon.
I’ve heard the Leaf Vitality is good if you want a dual vibe.

Sep 092014
 

Giveaway: the great Mona summer party!It wouldn’t be enough to call my great Mona summer party giveaway a success. Over 1,000 humans entered via the widget, with even more reblogging, posting in the comments section, and joining the Twitter party, for well over 10,000 individual entries. This giveaway was a whirlwind — and rightfully so.

I asked for the unthinkable: to give away 10 of my favorite vibrator, the LELO Mona 2, open to international readers. Generously, LELO said yes. Then it got better. When the giveaway wrapped, I found myself at an impasse trying to choose just one winner for “best artistic representation of Mona” and two for “best sob stories.” I emailed LELO about my plight, and they floored me by agreeing to five winners for each of those categories.

Yes, a total of seventeen winners.

For the past month, I’ve been very busy packing and hauling boxes into my new house. But when I did have a moment to relax, I thoroughly enjoyed thumbing through the giveaway entries. Thank you all for bringing joy to my stressful times; now it is time to announce all the winners!

If you did not win, I highly suggest you go purchase a Mona 2 (or whatever else) through LELO directly to thank them for their generosity. They donated over $2,300 in product for this giveaway. That’s outrageous.

Best artistic representation of Mona

I learned something important with this giveaway: y’all are willing to go to extreme lengths to win an amazing sex toy.

Three people made physical art that blew me away: Snark IsRequired made MONApoly, Mandi painted a “Dump Him, Buy A Mona” watercolor, and Coryphelle put together a sex toy shadowbox:

Artistic representation winners: MONApoly by Snark IsRequired, watercolor by Mandi, shadowbox by Coryphelle

In MONApoly, jail is “Watch Battery Vibe Cove,” Water Works is the “Sliquid Lube Tap,” the railroads are “Mona Chargin’ Stations,” Luxury Tax is “Coffee Tax,” and Chance is “Truth and Sweet Justice,” named after the two cats in my superhero persona. The game pieces are tiny clay Monas, and there’s a card which reads “Your Mona is charging. Miss a turn until the charge is full.” I AM LIVING FOR THIS GAME.

The Mona is depicted with the elegance it deserves in “Dump Him, Buy A Mona,” a glorious watercolor rendition of my favorite hashtag. Best of all, this art represents Mandi getting her hands dirty after not touching her art supplies for two years. Yes!

It is a true testament to Coryphelle’s skill that each of the toys she sculpted for her shadowbox is immediately recognizable. I mean, look at those wands! Sex toys should always be sculpted out of clay and pinned to corkboard. Way better than butterflies.

THEN, there were the songs. Two of them so good that both had to win. Eva Gantz sang a beautiful rendition of CeeLo’s “Fuck You” and WARNING IT WILL GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOREVER:

I see you all over town in the shops I love
Wish I could fuck you
I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough
For me to fuck you
If I was richer, you know I’d get you
You’re on my wishlist
It’s nothing more than a dream
But a wet one it seems
Wish I could fuck you

Ashes, who picked up on the fact that I shamelessly love Eve 6, covered “Inside Out” and re-wrote the lyrics. I have no idea what a “vaginal epiphora” is, but I think I want one.

 

I would swallow my pride, I would buy it online
But the lack of funds would leave me empty inside
Sit here and pout, I don’t wanna go out
Do nothin’ but watch some nuttin’
Want to put my tenders on a Lelo-bender
Swoosh it all around, make a vaginal epiphora
Rendezvous with a Mona 2

I burn, burn like a jelly dildo, chock full of chemicals
I see my vag has gotten burned
A quick shock from a cock is painful
I should’ve bought a Wahl, I want to throw it at the wall
I hear words and clips and phrases
Like “revolutionize
My stomach turns, I roll my eyes

The caliber of art submitted to this giveaway was amazing. It was tremendously difficult to choose just five winners for this category. Here’s some of the other awesome art that was submitted.

Artistic representations of the LELO Mona 2

Art by Kaguya, thelesserunknown, Catarina D, Alyssa Ilene, BlabberBits, and Mr. Will.

Best tweet

My favorite tweets about the giveaway came from @martinskeez. The very best was this one:

So, 140-character master of words, Mona for you!

Best sob stories

This was the hardest bit of all. I asked for you guys to give me a reason you should win a Mona beyond “I like orgasms.” I was not asking for the saddest depths of human despair, but… that’s sort of what I got. I truly wish I could give you all Monas, but here are the five that I chose.

Elle Marie, who was suffering through timed intercourse to prove her infertility to her insurance company. Thankfully, she tells me that she has finally received a fertility services referral, but there is still a long road ahead.

Amanda, whose guide dog got sick — to the tune of an $1,800 operation.

Two brave anonymous folks who are each working to take back their sex lives: one was abducted and tortured for a year, the other is recovering from an abusive relationship. My heart goes out to you both, and I hope the Mona is just a small step in the right direction.

Jim Platt, who recently reconnected with a former flame from 50 years ago after the deaths of both their spouses. Her birthday is in a few months — I think the Mona will make a perfect early birthday present!

Twitter trivia party winner

The Twitter party on August 13th was an enormous success! We used #monaparty and I asked trivia questions culled from LELO’s site, my Mona review, and my back-up Mona post. Folks shared Mona memories and photos of their cats with their Monas.

I thought I was being crafty with my trivia questions, but you guys were ON TOP OF THINGS. So many quick, correct answers. My mind was boggled. Ultimately, when all the names were put into the virtual hat, @Celevon came out on top. And it’s no wonder, considering their technique:

Random winners

Last but not least, five entrants from the giveaway widget were chosen randomly. Those winners are Imogen, HRH Alicia, Emily Panda, Khadeja, and Alyssa!

———

Congratulations to all seventeen winners. May your Monas bring you great happiness!

Now I must begin planning my annual blogiversary giveaway. Oh god. It never ends. Which toys do you want to win in October, peeps?

Aug 012014
 

Put on your sunhats, make your best lemonade, and fill up the pool, because the time has come for the greatest party of the summer. It involves ORGASMS.

Giveaway: the great LELO Mona 2 vibrator summer party!

This is the party I’ve been wanting to throw ever since I fell in love with the LELO Mona 2 vibrator years ago. I am bringing Mona to the masses and giving away ten of them, thanks to the amazing generosity of LELO. Not only is the Mona 2 the best vibrator on earth, but this giveaway is open to everyone on earth. Yes, my dear international readers! You too!

The Mona 2 is a deceptively simple-looking toy, but it succeeds precisely because it gets everything right: it’s rechargeable, it’s strong and rumbly, it’s waterproof, and its shape is awesome both internally and externally. Perfect for Mona parties and orgies, or just getting yourself off in the most streamlined, glorious way imaginable, it’s a toy I wish everyone owned.

The best thing about the Mona is how versatile it is, so I’ve designed a giveaway with entry methods that will appeal to many different tastes. You can go all-out and try to win with every method imaginable, or focus on just a few. Here’s how the winners will break down:

5 random winners

Right off the top, half the winners will be chosen randomly by a computer based on entries in the widget below (the widget also has a landing page if that’s easier). Entry methods include following me on every social media channel in existence, referring your friends to this giveaway, blogging about the giveaway, subscribing to my newsletter, etc.

1 winner for best artistic representation of Mona

Are you the creative type? Concoct a song, poem, drawing, painting, sculpture, or whatever dedicated to Mona (be inspired by Lunabelle’s Mona made from fondant). According to my friend JoEllen, “if someone doesn’t sing a song to the tune of ‘My Sharona,’ I’m gonna be really mad.”1 You must post a photo or link to your art in the comments section of this post.

2 winners for best sob stories

Better at words than art? Me too. Leave a comment on this post about why you need a Mona and my two favorites will each win one. “Sob story” is a bit misleading — you don’t have to make me cry or grovel at my feet, but maybe a reason besides “I like orgasms” would be good.

1 Twitter trivia party winner

Mark your calendars for Wednesday, August 13th at 4 p.m. Pacific and join me for an hour-long Twitter trivia party (#monaparty). I’ll be asking questions about the Mona and LELO, and those who answer correctly will be entered to win one at the end of the party. (Hint: trivia questions will be culled from LELO’s site, my Mona review, and my back-up Mona post, so study up!)

1 winner for best tweet

If you’ve mastered the art of 140-character cleverness, this is your rodeo. Of course, you can use the giveaway widget and send out the usual stock tweet, but if you get more creative you could win this. You must use the hashtag #monaparty and include a link to the giveaway (http://bit.ly/monaparty).

———

I’m using a different giveaway widget this time (shout-out to Adriana for making me aware of it!), with a couple new options. Let me know if you have any trouble.

Deadline: Monday, August 25th at 11:59 p.m. PST


Giveaway: the great Mona summer party!

  1. This does not mean that if you do this you will automatically win. If, however, you have picked up on my favorite band and use one of their songs to praise the Mona, you have a very good chance. []
Jul 302014
 

Stone eggThe stone egg of my dreams showed up at work the other day.

I’ve been waiting patiently for it, ogling the eggs with each new shipment. But I knew this egg was the one the moment I laid eyes on it.

Buying a house is not like that. No matter what those delusional (and/or extremely lucky) people say, you will not know a house is “the one” when you see it. You will not be filled with immense, undeniable joy. You will, instead, look around, nod, and say, “yeah, this could work.” Then spend the next week wondering if you’ve made a grave error in submitting an offer — an offer which was accepted.

In the past three months we’ve seen a lot of houses and eaten a lot of donuts, but the neurotic part of me will perhaps never feel like I saw enough to make an educated decision. I’ve seen houses with stairs leading nowhere, suffocatingly small kitchens, terrifying wall art, and more basement “kill rooms” than I can count. But I’ve also seen gorgeous yards, amazing hardwood floors, and adorable kitties. All aspects must be weighed.

I don’t know why this one is the one. It doesn’t have the enormous office I thought I required — just a humble bedroom. But it has a beautiful kitchen, and a completely finished basement, and there’s a big porch overlooking the quiet neighborhood. I’ve spent 7 years listening to cars drive by outside my apartment, and I cannot wait for the sound of silence.

Also, no more skittering about outside to take photos quickly so I don’t offend any of my neighbors’ delicate sensibilities.

I am in a weird state: simultaneously thrilled that I’m going to have an actual office with an actual door, and terrified because this is the biggest sum of cash I will ever spend at once. Also, did you know that hoses cost a lot? Yeah, I might be broke before I can even water my lawn.

So if I’m scarce here for the next month or so, it’s because I’m busy packing, getting rid of everything I own, launching my next giveaway, painting, masturbating, rearranging, preparing for my upcoming online class, and decking out my new office (I still need someone to embroider me something that says “I Think You Hate Sex“).

Turns out, the stone egg isn’t anything special. It’s not a challenge for my vag — it doesn’t want to escape on its own. It’s not as stimulating as the LELO Luna Beads. Gorgeous as it is, it isn’t perfect. Nothing truly is.

Jul 212014
 

Everyone pause and bask in this moment.

I have found a sex toy crowdfunding campaign that isn’t shitty.

kGoal kegel trainer exerciser sex toy

It’s a squeezable silicone bulb — er, they’re calling it a pillow — that measures the clenching of your pelvic floor muscles, and it’s called the kGoal (get it? Sounds like “kegel”? If you pronounce “kegel” that way?). It charges via USB and wirelessly communicates with an app on your phone, which serves up your exercise history, suggested workouts, and “max squeeze.” I see a community scoreboard coming on.

As added incentive, the kGoal’s motor offers vibrational biofeedback as you do your exercises, while the outer arm is equipped with a status light and second motor. So, you might be able to get off with it. Which would be a great bonus.

I’ll proudly admit that prior to a recent planned orgy, I researched options for kegel strength testing devices in hopes of having an epic kegel-off. But everything seemed really primitive and medicinal — dubious white plastic devices with sketchy pump bulbs — or too difficult to actually acquire, as in the case of the Airbee and Kegel8.

The kGoal, while not exactly the most attractive or ergonomic of sex toys (let’s be real: it looks like a potato with a growth), is at least technologically advanced, body-safe, and rechargeable. Plus, if anyone’s going to utilize squeeze technology, I trust Minna the most, since they’ve already used it in their Ola and Limon.

Still, I have some fears:

  • It could turn out like the vagina-offending Jopen Vanity Vr1 and I’d be so mad.
  • The lack of a smaller neck makes me fear it might be uncomfortable and/or difficult to keep in place.
  • “Splash resistant”? Bitch plz.
  • Nobody has $175, especially when actual kegel exercises are free, and cheap yet effective kegel balls exist.

But, for once, I choose to remain optimistic. As of this writing, people have pledged $222,725 of the original $90,000 goal, which means the kGoal will definitely will become A Thing. But if you contribute even $1, you get to vote on which color the toy should come in. So. LET’S MAKE ORANGE HAPPEN.