January 24th, 2013

I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana Dearmond. At one point I minimized it, and suddenly it sounded like a tiger tearing flesh. APPARENTLY THIS WAS HAPPENING:

Something similar took place earlier in the month when I was watching Kristina Rose: Unfiltered. Is this a hot new ~thing~? Please say no. It hurts my skin.

Throughout all of this, one of my cats kept insistently yowling at me. So I got up and shuffled into the kitchen, pajama pants around my ankles, to give her some treats. “I’m glad you don’t understand how ridiculous I look right now,” I said to her. Then I returned to my post at the desk and finished jacking off.

February 14th, 2013

For the first time in months after getting the Nexplanon in my arm, I was bleeding. Fairly heavily. Most of it was just chilling in my vagina, though, waiting to be carved out with a toy. So I did that with the best possible object: the Jopen Key Comet G Wand. I also tried this new lube, Please Cream from Good Vibes. Boy is it white!

You’d think a movie called Anal Plungers would have nothing of substance, but then… James Deen happens. In a scene with Lily LaBeau and this camera angle…

He stops thrusting and just watches her get herself off — a quiet, nearly silent orgasm punctuated only by him growling “oh my god” as he watches.

UGH, JAMES DEEN, YOU’RE TOO MUCH ALWAYS.

March 1st, 2013

As I was masturbating, the cat came and LAID BETWEEN MY ANKLES, on top of my dropped pajama pants. Motherfucker is clueless.

When I was done, I instant messaged my boyfriend.

Epiphora: okay i am done and all obscene objects have been removed from my orifices
Epiphora: you are free to roam

March 23rd, 2013

Morning. I woke up from an actual nightmare in which I was super horny but every toy I reached for had no charge¹, so I uncharacteristically wanted to jack off before even leaving bed. Since I’m a freak and none of my toys are in the bedroom, I had to go get one out of my drawers in the living room. I grabbed the Leaf Life because in the dream it was the dead, distressing one. Jacked off with a snoozing cat in bed next to me.

April 11th, 2013

Ready to get shit done, the sex toys of this masturbation session were entirely determined by reader emails. People often ask me things that I can’t answer until I jack off — a funny predicament to have. And so I lugged out the LELO SmartWands and several Vixen dildos for the purpose of definitively answering questions.

But the SmartWands were dead, drained of a charge, and my self-control is disgustingly bad. This is the session I called “a disastrous failure on several reviewer-levels” because, despite three orgasms (one on each setting of Britni’s Eroscillator — no joke), I repeatedly came too soon and didn’t gather nearly enough information. This is my life.

April 19th, 2013

I sat down with the Eroscillators and the Fun Factory Stronic Eins once and for all, feasting my eyes on Code of Honor. Watching James Deen and Stoya ooze cuteness all over each other, I tweeted, “Testing sex toys that are good while watching @JamesDeen and @Stoya is a recipe for disaster.”

AND THEN STOYA REPLIED.

The whole time I was like PLAY IT COOL, EPIPHORA, PLAY IT COOL. I wasn’t always sold on her, but now I’m officially ruling her adorable. What do you guys say — I should definitely add “and Stoya replied to me on Twitter once” to my about page, right?

I had four fucking orgasms by the end of this session. Told you so.

May 3rd, 2013

Picking up where I left off on April 11th, I laid out a smorgasbord of sex toys for comparison. Yet I remained doubtful that I’d use all of them, because, uh, there were NINE.

 Left to right: Eroscillators, LELO Smart Wands, Hathor lube, Vixen Johnny,
Vixen Outlaw, Vixen Maverick, Vixen Buck, Vixen Mustang.

I watched Allie Haze: I Love Sex, in a scene which did not include Allie Haze but rather Sasha Sweet. Chosen, of course, for the Deen. But what I got instead was a PORN BOMB.

When it was all said and done (and all toys had been placed in/on me at various points), I had around five orgasms. Because apparently I’d rather just have more orgasms than exercise some self-control.

May 7th, 2013

Called an emergency porn-watching party with my mates so we could consume Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. I tried to persuade the others not to read the numerous articles about the video so as to avoid spoilers. Such as: Farrah doesn’t know how to unbutton a man’s jeans. Farrah uses the same tone of voice with James Deen as she does with her 4-year-old daughter. And most distressingly of all… Farrah squirts.

All-out pandemonium set in when we saw the squirting. It was unequivocal. I was thinking it might be a dribble, but it was definitely a gush. Still, it seemed more like a physiological reaction than an orgasmic moment. Afterward, she responded in her usual way — “I never squirt, beebee. That’s weird. You’re sexy” — in precisely same fashion that my boyfriend said the other day, while dabbing at his nostrils, “this is weird. I never get nosebleeds.”

Real talk: there were things about this porno that made me (and my cohorts) genuinely sad. The Redhead Bedhead said it best: “I think I could successfully argue that abstinence-only education is responsible for this monstrosity.” There was very little joy in the video. She didn’t even kiss him with any passion. I was highly bothered by her inability to pleasure herself; she literally rubbed everything except her clit.

And she wanted to rush through everything. Bless his heart, James Deen tried to implement safer sex practices such as warming up before anal. He made jokes, whispered in her ear, and did his best to play along with the “sex tape” facade, but quickly and palpably realized his efforts were moot. He tried to hide it, but you could tell that he — the man who tweets things like “grapes are pretty cool” — was embarrassed to be having sex with such a soulless, inarticulate human being. You could read it all over his penis.

And she wasn’t doing so hot either. Her moans sounded like “ow” more than “oh.” She complained about her ass being in pain. She eyed the camera disconcertingly, as if she could will time to pass quicker. After the sex, the way she covered her face with a pillow and murmured “I’m embarassed” was truly brutal.

Sugarcunt managed to sum up the experience gloriously, but I’ll just say this: all of it was an insult to people everywhere who would give anything to fuck James Deen.

1. First-world problems to the MAX. [↩]

You’ve all been waiting with baited breath, I’m sure, to find out who won my Stronic Eins giveaway. So I will torture you no further. The winner is Natty!

Only a few entrants took my challenge to make a GIF or Vine of themselves using a household object to imitate the movement of the Stronic Eins, but they all amused me greatly. I mean, look at the resemblance between the Stronic Eins and this GIF from Sexxxay:

Of course, I was hoping for a cat, but if it had to be a canine dog, a pug is a good choice. I love the attention to detail, with the Fun Factory logo and plus and minus buttons. Very nice.

Much thanks again to SheVibe for furnishing the toy for this giveaway. If you find my argument about the Stronic Eins compelling, definitely buy your Stronic Eins from them. They’re the shit.

And as always, I’m open to other giveaway ideas. What do you want to win next, peeps?

Everyone knows regulation in the sex toy industry is practically nonexistent, right? We all accept that as fact. We have to do all the material-sniffing and toy-burning for ourselves. We have to use condoms on things because we quite literally have no idea what they contain. Is this how things are destined to be forever? I used to think so, but not anymore.

Dildology is a brand new non-profit organization run by Dangerous Lilly, Crista Anne, and Val Orenda that will send sex toys to labs to have them independently tested. With this, there will finally be some accountability within the industry, and we’ll have a much better idea which manufacturers to trust — and which to side-eye.

Unfortunately, testing is not cheap. To the tune of $200-450 per toy. To remain unaffiliated and unbiased, Dildology won’t be able to sell advertising space, so they’re relying on donations.

I avoid sketchy sex toy materials like the plague, but that doesn’t stop them from being out there and tainting consumers constantly. Here’s what Crista experienced when she worked as a manager and buyer for a chain of adult stores in the south:

Battery testing thousands toys before they were sold, my hands and arms were constantly covered in mysterious rashes. The fumes off shipments of cheap toys gave me migraines. My customers would bring back toys they had just opened that had an intense odor, akin to opening a dozen shower curtains. Tell me horror stories of toys that caused a burning sensation when used, breakouts, battling chronic yeast infections from subpar toys and lubricants.

This is much more common than people realize, and it’s not going to stop unless we take the initiative. So, peeps, raise your glass dollars and donate in memory of:

• Packaging that lies to our faces, calling things “high grade silicone” and “medical grade material” when they are not
• That time one of my old cock rings bled THROUGH A PLASTIC BAG and onto a Jimmyjane cord
• Having to crowdsource to figure out what a material even is
• All the times a reviewer has accepted as fact that sex toys stink, taste gross, and cause a burning sensation
• All the times a reviewer has called a material “silicone-feeling jelly”
• Companies making 100% silicone lines, with names like “Couture,” “Platinum,” and “Elite” — because who wants to use pure silicone all the time?
• Companies coming up with freakish names for mystery meat materials: Crystalessence, UR3, Jel-Lee, Superskin, Futurotic, Senso…
• Manufacturers who come out with two versions of the same toy just so they can sell a cheaper, smellier, porous one
• This story from the owner of the Smitten Kitten — “they were leaking, oozing… it reeked”
• The little finger sleeve I got at a sex toy party, which melted immediately when exposed to a flame
• The unsettling knowledge that the flame test can sometimes fail us
• When a reader emailed me with a horrific story of an allergic reaction to a toy and I had to gather tips on how to treat it
• The toy that smelled like “a really grimy, disgusting auto repair shop, where a guy with a mullet has been smoking too much weed out back” (I can still conjure the smell, it was so pungent, so horribly memorable)

Different donation amounts come with perks, such as discount codes, “Dildologist” merch, and the honor to choose the next test product.

Donate ahorita and read the other blog carnival posts here (there’ll be tons more as the month progresses). Donate because they’re testing the PVC Deen Peen next. And I can’t wait to find out what the fuck is in that thing.

For years, literally, ever since I dubbed the Eroscillator “the best sex toy I’ve ever tried,” people have been asking me whether it’s worth the extra cash to get the Top Deluxe version of the toy. I’ve always had to say “I don’t know; mine is the more powerful one and I’ve never tried the regular version,” which pained me because I hate not having an answer to anything sex toy-related. I’m cool with feeling like a failure in some respects (I can’t do a crossword to save my life), but not that one.

So finally, my online amiga of many years, Britni, agreed to loan me her Eroscillator 2 Plus for comparison purposes. This is a true friend. And now I have all the T, and not much of the shade. Because the Eroscillator 2 Plus is surprisingly great, and not at all a sad shadow of its mightier counterpart. Good news for wallets everywhere.

A little background, if you’re unaware: the Eroscillator is something of a cult classic sex toy, much like the Pure Wand, only it’s not blessed with good looks and is often overlooked and berated. It changed my masturbating life with its deep, penetrating oscillations. It helped me achieve dual orgasms. It has figured prominently in many of my Jack-Off Journals, and it has its own tag on this here blog. For a good solid year after I reviewed it, I uncontrollably compared all clitoral vibrators to it. I’ve now accepted that no vibrator will feel like the Eroscillator, and I still use it just about as much as I did when I got it in 2009.

So, the Eroscillator and I, we’ve been places. In fact, Britni’s Eroscillator is pristine and the base of mine is broken from a highly unfortunate fall off my desk when a cat decided to brush against it. I “repaired” it with duct tape, and I try to tell myself that it has character now, but my soul will never fully recover.¹

Both Eroscillators have three power levels, but the Top Deluxe is said to have a stronger motor and therefore 35% more power. Expectedly, the 2 Plus is quieter; top Deluxe has a lower, more ominous timbre to it. And the 2 Plus definitely starts out at a lower level — its first setting is pretty light, and if you’re not sensitive, could be a waste of your time. But its second setting is stronger than the Top Deluxe’s first, and its third setting continues this trend. Here, let me mansplain it to you with a drawing:

Any discrepancy in spacing between the levels is a result of my terrible drawing skills, not the knowledge of my clitoris. My clit is a perceptive little thing, yes, but not that perceptive. I was surprised by how subtle the differences really were. It is not a stark contrast that would cause one to bolt up in bed and scoff at the nearest cat.

Instead, I have determined that if my Eroscillator ever dies, I will probably replace it with the cheaper 2 Plus. Because the answer to the ultimate question is no, I don’t believe the Top Deluxe is worth $55 more — not for me, and not for most people. That last setting on the Top Deluxe is nice, but not necessary to life.

UNLESS: you’re coming from the land of Hitachi or Wahl; you like a lot of clitoral pressure; you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you’re gonna need the most power you can get; you use a lot of vibrators internally (and therefore require more clitoral oomph); you can’t stand not having the tip-top model of things; and/or you absolutely must experience the marshmallow Ultra Soft Finger Tip attachment in all its glory.

Because the marshmallow dulls the oscillation the most. It does its best work perched on the Top Deluxe. Which sucks, because it’s my favorite attachment these days. The three attachments that come with the 2 Plus are acceptable — they’re just not squishy.

The point remains that everyone with a clitoris should own the Eroscillator. But now, I can definitively say that the least expensive package also brings the oscillating goodness. $140 is still a lot of money, but the Eroscillator is a sex toy that repays you not just in orgasms, but in good orgasms. Deep ones. Ones the resonate through the legs of the clitoris. Ones that make you forget that you’re using a sex toy that looks like it was designed in 1998 (because it was).

The depth of its ugliness is matched only by the depth of the pleasure it brings. Get one, get one soon.

• Eroscillator 2 Plus — $140, three attachments
• Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo — $175, four attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe — $195, five attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe Soft Finger Combo — $230, six attachments
• Eroscillator Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo — $255, seven attachments
• Separate attachments: Ultra Soft Finger Tip ($36), G-Point ($28), Seven Pearls and French Legionnaire’s Moustache ($50)
• And let’s not discuss the Eroscillator Top Deluxe Gold Edition — $466

1. Also, I was super paranoid about breaking the base of Britni’s Eroscillator. That would’ve been NO BUENO. [↩]

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here.

I was wondering if you’ve ever had an allergic reaction to any of your toys, or what you might suggest someone do if they did? (Other than buying 100% silicone/using a condom/etc. What if it’s too late, and they realize they’re having a reaction, what should they do?)

I’ve never experienced any sort of reaction to a toy, so I had to phone friends on this one. Thanks to Metis Black, InsatiablyTaken, beck42069, Lorax of Sex, Dangerous Lilly, septicidal, and many others on Facebook for their enormous help. Also, please remember that I am nowhere near a doctor.

If you have washed the toy before use, what you will most likely be experiencing is an allergic reaction and inflammation from the chemicals in the toy coming into contact with the skin. If this appears to be the case, here are some steps you can take immediately upon experiencing the reaction:

• Take a shower ASAP and rinse the inflamed area as much as you can with water only. If you don’t have access to a shower, try to find a baby wipe.
• Pee, to further flush stuff out of your urethra.
• Take Benadryl. The pill, not the cream.
• Call a nurse helpline and ask which additional steps you should take. Be honest and tell them that you believe an icky sex toy is the cause, since most will assume you have an STI or infection without additional info. Many do not know that sex toys are unregulated and can contain chemicals.
• Go without underwear for a while, or at least wear loose boxers to allow your skin to breathe. Don’t scratch the area.
• If you have trouble breathing or suspect your symptoms are worsening, go to the ER.

Other tips for temporarily relieving your symptoms:

• Take a sitz bath, perhaps with baking soda.
• Apply a cold compress.

If you have not washed a porous toy before use, it is possible (though not likely) that you have a yeast infection, UTI, or STI rather than an allergic reaction, in which case there would be different steps you’d need to take.

And just to reiterate, THROW OUT THE OFFENDING SEX TOY IMMEDIATELY. Replace it with something non-porous: silicone, glass, metal, or sealed wood. You having a reaction to the toy means that you absolutely cannot use porous (usually jelly) sex toys in the future, so please, spend a bit more money for something that’s not crap. Visit The Coalition Against Toxic Toys for more info.

Have you ever thought about reviewing one of the “adult” subscription boxes? Some of them are pricey, but it could be hilarious.

I’ve received an AVALANCHE of emails about these. For a while there, I felt like I was getting a new offer every week.

So far I know of Boink Box ($25-50/month or $85/quarter), Spicy Subscriptions ($25-35/month), LuvMyBox ($35/month), BlushBox ($50-100/quarter), Unbound Box ($45-65/box), Déjàmor ($35/month), SecretSexBox ($20/month), and Kissalo (£25+/month).

Each service, more or less, follows the same (often hetero-focused) pattern: cheap body products, dubious lube samples, some shitty “romance” item like a heart-shaped warmer, and maybe, if you’re lucky, a sex toy you could buy for under $15, but wouldn’t want to (seriously, two different boxes I read about contained cock rings that retail for under $5).

Sugarcunt reviewed LuvMyBox, pointing out, “you pretty much have to use [everything in the box] if you don’t want to have burned $35.” I suggest using your brain and buying sex products you actually want that are actually body-safe.

I said no to every offer I received because, while I’ve been known to review things solely to massacre them, lickable body butter and dust and glycerin-filled lube and gross sex toys are where I draw the line.

How far up are vaginal balls supposed to be inserted? I have the Je Joue Ami set, and I tend to insert them like an o.b. tampon, but I’m wondering if that’s too far up for their purpose. I haven’t found anything that says “this is how they should be inserted; if you feel this, you’ve gone too far.”

I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule about this. It’s basically what feels comfortable to you. I always push them past my pubic bone, then stop when I feel them pressing into my cervix. They feel weird to me if I don’t push them all the way up like that; plus, if they’re inserted too shallowly, they can worm their way out.

I looked it up, and apparently the PC muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone. So it sounds like nestling them past the pubic bone is the perfect spot anyway.

I’m looking for a comfy butt plug. A butt plug that I can wear for hours without everyone knowing I am wearing something in my ass. I should be able to walk around a lot, sit down, wear clothes that don’t reveal the toy, and not be worried that I could drop it. Do you know any kind of butt plug on the market like that?

Yes! I have high standards for my butt plugs that play into your needs. I don’t appreciate uncomfortable bases, and I get really annoyed when plugs either slide out or feel like they’re about to. Basically what you want is a plug with a comfortable and low-profile base, plus a narrow neck that will keep it securely in your ass.

Here are my recommendations:

• Fun Factory Bootie or Boosty
• Tantus Neo, Juice, or Ryder
• NobEssence Romp
• Whipspider Rubberworks The Screw
• Doc Johnson Mood Naughty
• njoy Pure Plug*

It just depends on which size/shape you want.

*The Pure Plug I’m not 100% sure about recommending for your situation, since it could be uncomfortable if you sit down on a hard chair. But stainless steel will probably be the least chafing of all the materials you could use anally and for extended wear.

I was reading about the Mr. Man dildo from Jollies on your site, and was incredibly disappointed to discover that it’s been discontinued. After doing a bit of searching, I came across this site that appears to sell them… but it looks a little sketchy. I was just wondering if you knew anything about it before I blindly throw my money at them. I REALLY want this product, but I don’t want to be out $65.

I’m glad you asked, because I do know. The site is run by the original creator of Mr. Man, Stacey. But Jollies is no longer involved, and the toy is being produced in PVC, NOT silicone (despite the fact that the website uses old photos of the silicone Mr. Man).

A friend of mine had the displeasure of smelling the new Mr. Man, and she said it smells horrible, which is a problem for a toy that is specifically meant to be sucked on. Stacey told me that she plans to make it in silicone once it “takes off,” but to be honest, I get a strong sense that she is nowhere near organized/smart enough to make that happen. I mean, look at that website. It’s a travesty.

I hate to say it, but I really think you should pass on this one.

ALRIGHT PEOPLE. On Wednesday, I gave a sickeningly glowing endorsement to a $200 sex toy, and my reviewer’s guilt is setting in. No matter how epic a sex toy is, I always feel a little uneasy telling people to spend such large chunks of hard-earned money on them.

So I concocted an ingenious plan that both washes away my guilt and makes one of you very happy: give one of the motherfuckers away. SheVibe was happy to agree to my insane demands (and quickly, too, almost as if I was holding a gun to their heads), and so I offer to you, my peeps, a free $200 Stronic Eins thrusting sex toy in the color of your choice. Ahh, I feel better already.

Why is the Stronic Eins such an exciting thing? My review in a very small nutshell:

The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina . . . there’ve been times I’ve been using traditional dildos and yearned for [it]. It’s just such a quick, fulfilling toy. It’s so lazy, and I LOVE IT . . . the Stronic Eins jostles my G-spot into oblivion with very little effort on my part. Quick, disgustingly effortless pleasure.

If that doesn’t make you want it, I mean, JUST LOOK AT IT GO:

Enter using the widget below. The usual social media entry options apply, but with one special addition: you can rack up 5 entries by making a video, GIF, or Vine of yourself using a household object to imitate the movement of the Stronic Eins.

This one’s open to the US and Canada. Giveaway ends on Monday, May 13th at 11:59 p.m. EST.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators.

Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina.

Where vibrators have a rotational motor, the Stronic Eins is hollow-bodied and equipped with a solid metal weight that moves back and forth inside it.¹ The movement reminds everyone of a Shake Weight. As another reviewer put it, the Stronic Eins “shudders like me seeing a jelly toy.” Prior to trying the toy, I declared, “the way this thing writhes, it’s either going to be awesome — or a complete disaster.”

Well, fuck. It’s awesome.

Other toys have vibrated, oscillated, flapped, jackhammered, clamped, flickered, pinched, rolled around, and electroshocked, but the Stronic Eins (which Fun Factory calls a “pulsator”) is the first to use an internal weight to simulate thrusting. Previous “thrusting” toys have been either fucking machines, frankenstein dildo-holders, or rabbits made of dubious materials with shafts that physically jut out and retreat. The Stronic Eins moves to and fro, but not by extending a part of itself. Also, it doesn’t look fucking stupid. That helps.

The Stronic Eins does not normally come with a storage bag, which is pretty shit-tay for a $200 toy, so SheVibe includes a Sugar Sak with every one. It charges for a very long time — up to 16 hours — but holds a charge well. I’ve only had to re-charge mine once² because it seemed like it was beginning to lose steam… and I’ve used it a lot.

Other stuff: the Stronic Eins is waterproof; it can be locked for travel; its three buttons (on/off, + and -) are hard as marbles, pleasing to the touch, and they light up. Yes, good.

The silicone shaft is about 6″ long, but I doubt most people would insert more than 5″. The shaft is 1.5″ in diameter at the part that’ll actually be inside you, and 1.83″ at the nub part. As I always say, Fun Factory’s silicone kinda sucks. It’s too matte, too draggy, and this particular toy has a faint grainy texture to it. I suggest lubing the shit out of it, as it must move freely to succeed.

This is probably the only sex toy I’ve ever used that is actually worthy of the buzzphrase “whisper quiet.” Another reviewer described it as the sound of a distant helicopter, which is about right; I like to pretend I’m on Lost and a Dharma food drop is coming (peanut buttah!).

The Stronic Eins has 10 modes, described uselessly by the manual with names like “Dirty Dancing,” “Roller Ball,” and “Vienna Waltz.” It starts on the fourth setting, “perfect start,” and from there you can hit the minus button to go down into the “algorithmic” modes, or the plus button to go into “constant” and then “dynamic” modes. No, I have no idea why this is how it works.

Normally, I wouldn’t give a single fuck about a toy shaped like this one. Its pathetic little curve and slight nub seem to say “let’s not commit too strongly to G-spot or clitoral stimulation here.” Some Fun Factory documentation will claim, distressingly yet expectedly, that the nub is a clitoral stimulator — but it gets nowhere near my clit. And I’m glad, because pulsations like this aren’t stimulating enough clitorally. At all.

But apparently an extreme G-spotting curve is not necessary when a toy wiggles like this, because as it turns out, the Stronic Eins hits my G-spot absurdly well.

Reviewers pretty universally agree that the Stronic Eins is weird when you first try it. It takes some adjustment for people like us, who are used to death-gripping our insertables, because the tighter the Stronic Eins is held, the less stimulation you’ll feel. The trick is to hold it as loosely as possible without it escaping.

And that’s what I was worried about: that this toy would want to jump out of my hand like a rocket launching. It will slide out if there’s nothing stopping it, but stopping it is not nearly as difficult as I anticipated. I usually hold out one or two of my fingers for it to bump against. Yes, this is kind-of a pain in the ass, and it does make me wish my arms were longer, but I can deal because it does the rest of the work for me.

If you’re highly motivated to be even lazier, you can even brace it against something else, like a pillow, to go hands-free. This actually does work, contrary to how failtastic it sounds.

There’s a lot to explore within the 10 modes. The “algorithmic” modes consist of jerky, punchy pulses; I like “Rattle” because it’s the fastest and feels like it’s manipulating my G-spot. The movement becomes more fluid through the “constant” modes, where the inner weight isn’t felt as easily; my favorite is “Quicky” (once I reach “Roller Ball,” the thrusting is so fast that it begins to feel mundane, like vibrations).

The “dynamic” modes are the most unusual. “Vienna Waltz,” too much of a tease for me, is a quick shiver followed by increasingly slower, weaker, and more drawn-out thrusts. “Rumba” features pulses that become increasingly faster, stronger, and closer together; it is one of the best.

In any mode, though, the Stronic Eins does fucking wonders for my G-spot. My G-spot is notoriously easy to stimulate, yes, but the sensation is so unique and awesome. The thuddy throbs, the back and forth movement… it just strokes my G-spot so consistently. Most toys are not consistent because, you know, I’m behind the wheel. And I’m not a machine.

To be quite honest, there’ve been times I’ve been using traditional dildos and yearned for the Stronic Eins. It’s just such a quick, fulfilling toy. It’s so lazy, and I LOVE IT. Not just because it is lazy, but because it is highly stimulating. I am constantly coming too soon when using this toy³. It is a problem, and also a sign. A sign that this toy actually lives up to the hype.

And unlike with other moving toys, like rabbits with rotating beads, I can clench my PC muscles around the Stronic Eins without stopping its movement. I am highly particular about clenching around toys, both as I use them and as I orgasm, so this is awesome. I actually relax my PC muscles most of the time when using the Stronic Eins, but I do clench when I orgasm, and am relieved to find that the toy does not resist me.

Inevitably, comparisons to penetrative sex (oh, sorry, lovemaking) will be made, so here’s the T. I don’t know if you know this, but penises do not contain weights that move back and forth. I also believe they are attached to humans, who tend to be unpredictable. Still, this is the closest a toy has ever come to mimicking sex for me — especially “Rumba” mode, with its increasingly fast pulses, which are reminiscent of when I’m about to come during sex and I command my boyfriend to thrust faster and harder.

The Stronic Eins doesn’t really slide in and out, though, and it has nowhere near the power of a particularly driven penis, i.e. it cannot slam into me like a cock can. That is one of my grievances — that it does not fuck my brains out even more.

My other grievance is that $200 is a lot of money. I suppress a cringe when I have to say, out loud, “it’s 200 bucks.” But at the same time, there is literally nothing else on the market like this. And fucking machines cost a lot more. Like $500-1,500, with most over a grand. The Stronic Eins is like a fucking machine minus the space consumption, the grody attachments, and 800 bucks.

That doesn’t erase the fact that $200 is more than most people can muster, though. So here are my suggestions.

Number one, you gotta like thrusting. If you’re the kind of person who’d pick this up in a sex shop, feel the movement, and grimace — it’s not for you. If, however, you’d slowly nod your head in understanding, a smile creeping up your lips… then yes. Put it on your wishlist.

Number two, if you have not become BFFs with your G-spot or internal vaginal stimulation, it’s possible the Stronic Eins would just feel like weirdness. But I also know someone who squirted for the first time using this toy, so it’s hard to say.

Number three, the Stronic Eins is not a first toy. It’s not even a second or third toy. It’s a fifth or sixth toy, when you have a decent collection of sex toys already, when you’ve already covered the bases of a good, versatile vibe, an excellent dildo, a butt plug, and another great dildo or vibrator. When you’ve already braved the trenches of actually thrusting your dildos, and you’re itching for something quite different.

It feels a bit fucked up to enjoy this toy as much as I do. As if not having to work for my orgasms is a sin. As if endorsing a $200 toy is a sin. As if I give a shit about sinning. But my vagina is unaware of societal norms or monetary constraints; all it knows is that the Stronic Eins jostles my G-spot into oblivion with very little effort on my part. Quick, disgustingly effortless pleasure. The Stronic Eins is like nothing else in my arsenal, and it has already become a cornerstone.

The Stronic Eins is $200 at SheVibe, but you can get 10% off with code PIPH10.

SheVibe also includes a Sugar Sak with every Stronic Eins.

1. When the toy’s not on, I can feel the weight moving if I shake it. [↩]
2. The charging light was on for over 7 hours; I don’t know the exact amount of time because I went to bed. [↩]
3. And know that when I say this, I mean I am pairing it with a good clitoral vibe. [↩]

I don’t like to clutter my blog and inundate you with information you may or may not want, so I usually confine this info to my sales & deals page… but not today. This sale at SheVibe contains too many good toy purchase opportunities. It will allow you to purchase toys that I adore for 15-20% less than their usual prices. Therefore, I AM TELLING YOU.

All of these deals are through May 7th, except the Tantus one which is through April 30th. There are also some blowout deals of up to 75% off that I’ll link to at the bottom.

Here’s the main freakout-inducer:

15% off rechargeable vibes. Think about that for a moment. Practically all the vibrators I love are rechargeable.

The LELO Mona 2 (review) is my A+++ vibe as of late, with its versatile shape and impressive vibration strength. Clit vibes Leaf Life (review), LELO Mia 2 (review), We-Vibe Touch (review), LELO Siri (review), We-Vibe Salsa, and We-Vibe Tango are also the shit. I consider the Minna Ola (review) a clit vibe as well — just a customize-your-pleasure one.

There’s also the Fun Factory Big Boss (review), one of the only insertable vibrators I enjoy with the vibrations on.

AND THEN, you can pair that with a rad dildo or butt plug from my amigos at Tantus! Oh, this is too good. Dildos I heart include Splash (review), Cush O2 (review), Echo (review), Alumina Motion (review),  O2 Revolution, and Max O2. Butt plug du jour would be Ryder.

Less important but still good is this sale for 10% off BS is Nice silicone toys. Cows! Stripes! Cute butt plugs!

Also, 15% off Fuze by Happy Valley. These are fun little butt plugs with holes designed for bullet vibes. I like ‘em.

And lastly, 15% off Fleshlight Freaks, which includes one Fleshlight sleeve but mostly dildos: aliens, cyborgs, dracula, frankenstein, zombies. Um. I think they covered it.

Anyway, you have until May 7th to take advantage of most of these deals (April 30th for the Tantus one). Hop on it!

SheVibe is also doing a blowout right now, with up to 75% off certain toys while supplies last.

This one includes Fun Factory toys starting at freaking $7.75, with some rechargeables at just $25. The LELO Isla and Soraya are $64 and $80. The Happy Valley Deep Secret for $9.50. Vibratex starting at $20. Glass anal plugs for $16. And wooden dildos starting at freaking $33.