Hi, I’m Piph, and I have a very discerning vagina.

Not something you hear often, is it? But it’s true: for over 18 years, I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet. Highly trusted and well-known for my snarky yet authentic sex toy reviews, I’ve been called “the Samantha Bee of our nether regions.” Welcome to Hey Epiphora, where the lube flows like wine, the G-spot isn’t a mystery, and masturbation sessions frequently end with me wondering, “did humans even test this?!”

Not sure where to begin?

Dive into my sex toy reviews or my greatest posts, visit my 900+ sex toy collection, skip straight to my all-time faves, peruse my FAQ, or go shopping.

The best sex toys in existence

njoy Pure Wand stainless steel G-spot dildo on a painting of the ocean waves.

My love, the Pure Wand (+ a few tips!)

You have come here wondering if the njoy Pure Wand is deserving of its legendary status. If this parenthesis-shaped pound and a half of medical-grade stainless steel can indeed change your — and your G-spot’s — life. The answer is yes. Holy fuck, yes. Your G-spot will never be the same. You don’t even know. You can’t comprehend. Buckets of ejaculate. A...

Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator on a zig-zag-patterned rainbow crocheted blanket.

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes, it is. The time has come, my friends. The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, now comes in a rechargeable version. It can finally be there for you during power outages. While camping. On your porch....

BMS Factory Pillow Talk Sassy rechargeable G-spot vibrator lying on some soft grey fur.

Review: Sassy

I have some big news I’ve been dying to share. No, no, I’m not pregnant. Not getting married. Moving? Uh, why would I leave a city where I can get legal weed and open-air vulvas in my face at the strip club?! Nah, it’s more mundane than any of that. And yet, it isn’t. Not for a person like me. I have...

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Is it a sign things are finally looking up? Fuck, I’ll take anything. A pair of legendary vibrators, cult classics, revamped and enhanced 10 years after their initial release. They were already in the mail to me; I didn’t even have to ask. When I opened the PDF with the details, I got that rush — the rare jolt of serotonin we...

Vixen Creations Buck dildo with a bunch of bananas. Accordingly, the dildo has a Chiquita sticker on it that says NATURAL NUTRITION.

Review: Buck

Is there a VixSkin oversaturation point? I now own seven things made out of this dual-density silicone, yet I’m still impressed by its ability to make every shape of dildo...

njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.

Review: Pure Plugs

I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of course, I would never do such a thing. And sometimes,...

Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness as modeled by the lovely Penny and Bex.

Review: Joque harness

In many ways, the glory of the Spareparts Hardwear Joque lies in what it is not. It’s not a re-hashing of the usual harness style. There is no other harness...

The Eroscillator standing proudly on a table, with the Ultra Soft Fingertip attachment (marshmallow) on it.

Review: Eroscillator

You know those butt-ugly animals, like hairless cats and shivery Chinese Cresteds, that instinctively disgust you — until you fall in love with one, and then you want to bitch...

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Greatest hits

I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist hedonism. I’ve been reaching for comfort sex toys, proven winners,...

Review: OhMyG

It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options has become so vast, it is no longer enough to...

Vintage vibrators: the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator (top), Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager.

Review: Vintage vibrators

The inventor of the first electrical vibrator, doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville, called his device “Granville’s Hammer” — and if that’s not obviously named by a man, I don’t know what...

The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, a white plastic toilet-looking chair with a grey vibrating bump on top, standing in front of my sex toy closet.

Review: Rumble Seat

When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want the response to be “that looks like a toilet.” But...

A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

There’s a glimmer of recognition that crosses someone’s face when I ask, “have you ever encountered a sex toy that smelled like a new shower curtain?” The widening of the...

Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.

Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness, I have well-loved strap-on dildos, and I am comfortable combining...

Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy. Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame....

September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

So I was interviewed for a piece about female ejaculation/squirting for Fusion recently. The article finally went live, and lo and behold, I’m not mentioned at all because some new bullshit study...

The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

You always remember your first. And I’m proud to say that the LELO Ella is mine — the first toy to give me a G-spot orgasm. I have long since gotten...

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Latest posts

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Taylor Swift had two albums to her name. Instagram didn’t exist. We had yet to name our roman empires, show off our fits, or be...

A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

The world wants to know which household objects can be used as dildos. Pervs have been googling that, pants around their ankles, since the internet...

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

We shivered in our seductive outfits. It was October, two days before my birthday, in a damp backyard. Party attendees were trickling in, dodging the...

more latest posts

Daily dose of snark

When you just need some righteous rage. So, every day?

Lovehoney Flash USB rechargeable vibrator on top of a dictionary, open to the definition of "buzzy."

Review: Flash

Review: OhMyG

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

LELO PicoBong Kiki vibrator (photo by Mandi at EROntric, used with permission)

Review: Kiki

gimmie more snark

Ancient Post Randomizer™

I can’t be held responsible for what you find here. I’ve been blogging for over 15 years, yo.

Wobbling Willy, a magenta dildo with a bobble head attached.

What, you don’t want a dildo with your boyfriend’s face on it?

A dude’s solution to the problem of phthalates

LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Um, No: Pino

Revel Body sonic vibrator... plus jump drive and "competitor model."

Review: Revel Body