vibrators

All posts tagged “vibrators.” Usually, reviews of vibrators.

Review: Womanizer

Review: Womanizer

Why isn’t this sex toy wearing a wife beater?
Why isn’t it blasting Eminem?
Why isn’t it friends with OJ?
Why doesn’t it endorse Robin Thicke?
Why doesn’t the spout emit AXE body spray?

I feel these are legitimate questions to ask of a sex toy named the Womanizer. I know it was designed by Germans, but guys, it’s 2015, you need to nary lift an ass cheek off your chair to find the answer to any imaginable question. For instance, I recently Googled “do cats go through menopause” and “can guitar face be controlled.” You are capable of Googling “womanizer.” You’re not naming your external hard drive; you’re naming a product, which presumably you plan to market in the US. . . . read the rest

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

It’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2.

The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough,1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. . . . read the rest

Review: kGoal

Review: kGoal

Recently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina?

So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them.

Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s heads. I dunno.

This is to say that I’m not the prime candidate for the Minna kGoal,1 a pelvic floor strengthening vibrator with corresponding phone app and kegel workouts. . . . read the rest

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI?????

—everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable

Yes. Yes, it is. The time has come, my friends. The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, now comes in a rechargeable version. It can finally be there for you during power outages. While camping. On your porch. In your treehouse. On your top bunk. Or simply when you’re too damn lazy to get up and plug something in. (Me, all the time.)

The world has been holding its breath, as have I, because there are many ways this new version could have gone terribly wrong. . . . read the rest

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring?

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says his new sex toy business concept is a bit different from others because the company doesn’t just market a product, it provides a service as well.

“At BlissMe Vibrators we wanted to encompass the idea of infidelity being an option through our vibrators,” Mederos said. “So what we have created is a service where consumers buy our products and we provide them with an e-mail from our list of vibrators since each of our five vibrators have personalities.”

Those personalities include Mr. . . . read the rest

Review: Afterglow

Review: Afterglow

I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars, and this is not what a good sex toy is. Not even close. Not even in the same hemisphere. (Tegan & Sara, if you’re reading this, I will personally buy each of you a Pure Wand to make up for this travesty.)

It’s a gimmick: the Afterglow stimulates with vibration and light energy. That’s as simply as I can put it. If you want to thoroughly roll your eyes, here’s a video about the “science,” but the bottom line is, light energy. . . . read the rest

Review: Mona Wave

Review: Mona Wave

The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly planning out the toppings on the pizza they’re going to order after I finally fucking come.

I know that isn’t what you want me to say. You want me to say that either the Mona Wave is like being fingered by the devil, or that it’s the sexual equivalent of getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is not, and my feelings are not that extreme. But the Mona Wave does make me fucking crazy most of the time.

I don’t blame you, internet. . . . read the rest

Review: Limon

Review: Limon

I have now formed a conditioned response whenever I hover over a link and see the URL indiegogo.com. It’s a mixture of terror, disgust, and exasperation, which, upon clicking, either bubbles into rage or fizzles into mild interest, depending on the product advertised.

The Minna Limon fell into the latter camp, but my initial thoughts were still mostly negative:

  • Are we going to have to crowdfund all our vibrators now? Goddamn.
  • “No cumbersome speed settings” — OH, OKAY.
  • Is there some sort of rule that if you have a crowdfunding campaign for a vibrator, you must show it in a glass of water?
  • . . . read the rest
    Review: Ceres Lace

    Review: Ceres Lace

    I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more.

    This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo).  . . . read the rest

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