[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But . . .
Vibratex has been around since 1983, and you can kinda tell in their designs. They make a lot of rabbit vibrators, particularly the popular Rabbit Habit, but my favorite thing they make is the Mystic Wand. They are also the distributor of the Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Vibratex Tulip is really bizarre. It looks like a rocket ship puking a flower, like some combination of a character from David Lanham’s work and a beast from the Oddworld games. Figuring it would fit right in, I decided to photograph it among my old Littlest Pet Shop toys. I’m not easily swayed by sex toy . . .
[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] Ahhh, yearly traditions! As 2012 comes to a close (how did that happen, though, seriously?!), the time has come for me to recount my most loved and most hated sex toys that I tried this year. As in 2011 and 2010, I’ll first list the best/worst . . .
The Vibratex Mystic Wand is a damn good sex toy. No caveats, no horror stories. It just gets things right. Replace the entire text of this review with “IT RULES,” and that would sum up my feelings about the Mystic Wand. Where so many other toys fail, the Mystic Wand succeeds. Batteries are a breeze . . .
[Oh hey! I have reviewed the updated (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original and it’s a much better review. Read that instead, yeah?] Hello, hello, the reigning champ of vibes! Pleased to meet you. I thought I never would, as I was always put off by your grandma-esque appearance. But, presented with the offer to review you . . .
My boyfriend is very, very attached to his hand. He has perfected his method of masturbation: five minutes or so, a fluid squeezing motion that I have yet to replicate, and coming into a square of toilet paper. I bought him a cheap-o masturbation sleeve a while back, and needless to say, it did not . . .