Many sex toys now charge via USB port.

Review: Womanizer

Review: Womanizer

Why isn’t this sex toy wearing a wife beater?
Why isn’t it blasting Eminem?
Why isn’t it friends with OJ?
Why doesn’t it endorse Robin Thicke?
Why doesn’t the spout emit AXE body spray?

I feel these are legitimate questions to ask of a sex toy named the Womanizer. I know it was designed by Germans, but guys, it’s 2015, you need to nary lift an ass cheek off your chair to find the answer to any imaginable question. For instance, I recently Googled “do cats go through menopause” and “can guitar face be controlled.” You are capable of Googling “womanizer.” You’re not naming your external hard drive; you’re naming a product, which presumably you plan to market in the US. . . . read the rest

Review: kGoal

Review: kGoal

Recently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina?

So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them.

Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s heads. I dunno.

This is to say that I’m not the prime candidate for the Minna kGoal,1 a pelvic floor strengthening vibrator with corresponding phone app and kegel workouts. . . . read the rest

Video review: Princessa

Video review: Princessa

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.]

In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments.

But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review.

I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. . . . read the rest

Review: Afterglow

Review: Afterglow

I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars, and this is not what a good sex toy is. Not even close. Not even in the same hemisphere. (Tegan & Sara, if you’re reading this, I will personally buy each of you a Pure Wand to make up for this travesty.)

It’s a gimmick: the Afterglow stimulates with vibration and light energy. That’s as simply as I can put it. If you want to thoroughly roll your eyes, here’s a video about the “science,” but the bottom line is, light energy. . . . read the rest

Review: Limon

Review: Limon

I have now formed a conditioned response whenever I hover over a link and see the URL It’s a mixture of terror, disgust, and exasperation, which, upon clicking, either bubbles into rage or fizzles into mild interest, depending on the product advertised.

The Minna Limon fell into the latter camp, but my initial thoughts were still mostly negative:

  • Are we going to have to crowdfund all our vibrators now? Goddamn.
  • “No cumbersome speed settings” — OH, OKAY.
  • Is there some sort of rule that if you have a crowdfunding campaign for a vibrator, you must show it in a glass of water?
  • . . . read the rest
    Review: Sqweel Go

    Review: Sqweel Go

    “IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens.

    There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009:

    . . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy. . . . read the rest

    Review: Lovelife Adventure, Smile, Discover, and Cuddle

    Review: Lovelife Adventure, Smile, Discover, and Cuddle

    OhMiBod is commonly known as the sex toy company that makes music– and app-responsive vibrators, but their Lovelife line is a departure, and a valiant effort. It’s a line of less expensive rechargeable toys that do not care whether you’re blasting Meatloaf.

    Usually, for a rechargeable vibrator, you’ll spend at least $90, and up to $200 depending on size, functionality, and arrogance of the brand. In the Lovelife line, you can get a rechargeable vibe for as low as $59. Which is not to say that you should — each toy falls in a very different place on the scale of “trash” to “treasure.”

    There are seven toys in the Lovelife line, all named after the things that OhMiBod co-founders Suki and Brian believe are important to a lasting relationship: Smile, Discover, Dream, Cuddle, Share, Adventure, and Flex. . . . read the rest

    Review: G-Vibe

    Review: G-Vibe

    There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back.

    Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe.

    Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula:

    • Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes”
    • A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for it… VISITING A SINGLE SEX SHOP (serious R&D is serious)
    • Sprinkle on some disdain for the sex toy industry, bemoaning that all toys are horrible, which the creator now knows because he VISITED A SINGLE SEX SHOP
    • Exclaim how innovative!
    . . . read the rest
    Hell Yes: kGoal

    Hell Yes: kGoal

    [Hoorah! This toy is now a reality and I tried it!]

    Everyone pause and bask in this moment.

    I have found a sex toy crowdfunding campaign that isn’t shitty.

    It’s a squeezable silicone bulb — er, they’re calling it a pillow — that measures the clenching of your pelvic floor muscles, and it’s called the kGoal (get it? Sounds like “kegel”? If you pronounce “kegel” that way?). It charges via USB and wirelessly communicates with an app on your phone, which serves up your exercise history, suggested workouts, and “max squeeze.” I see a community scoreboard coming on.

    As added incentive, the kGoal’s motor offers vibrational biofeedback as you do your exercises, while the outer arm is equipped with a status light and second motor. . . . read the rest