plastic

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Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August.

Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff.

Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. . . . read the rest

Review: Magic Banana

Review: Magic Banana

Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lockthighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be good in my vagina”?

Yeah, me either.

And so, I was prepared to hate the Magic Banana, because:

1. Just look at it.
2. It’s called the Magic Banana.
3. Just look at it.
4. It came with a “note on empowerment.”
5. Just look at it.

COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER!

Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.”

Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is simultaneously hokey and woo-woo. . . . read the rest

Review: Tango

Review: Tango

[What’s my favorite way to use the Tango? Like this for hands-free orgasms!]

Dude, man, guys, shit, dawg. Everyone loves the We-Vibe Tango. I’m totally late to the party. Then again, I was also late to anal beads, smartphones, and liking the Hitachi, so it’s not as if you should trust my timing on anything (except having an orgasm right when the corn dog timer goes off — I’m great at that.)

Other contenders have come and gone, but the fact remains: the We-Vibe Tango — and its sibling the Touch — are the strongest, rumbliest rechargeable vibrators out there for their size.  . . . read the rest

Review: iGino One

Review: iGino One

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ

Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER.

The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it would spook every human and animal within a 50-foot radius, and potentially get you arrested for disturbing the peace. . . . read the rest

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

[Wondering how I feel about the rechargeable version of this toy? I LOVE IT.]

I finally get the Hitachi.

I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a place of understanding with the bumbling, imprecise beast that is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps that is how it was meant to be.

But there should be laws forbidding newbie reviewers from trying it. I received my first one a mere month after launching my blog, and I ended my almost-entirely-useless review with, “I know eventually I will sing your praises just as everyone else has. . . . read the rest

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

The LELO Mia and I go way back. Almost to the beginning of this blog. A lot of things have changed since then — for instance, I am now a hardcore Google Chrome fan, and the clunky Compaq laptop pictured in my original Mia review has been replaced by a sleek white Sony Vaio1. With the times, Mia has evolved as well.

But “second generation” is a confusing thing to say, since technically Mia is in its third generation. I tried the original back in 2008, then another version in early 2011, when the toy was updated with a new (and quite pleasing) motor. . . . read the rest

Review: Luna Beads Mini

Review: Luna Beads Mini

This is so disappointing, you guys. And a sex toy reviewer’s nightmare. But I just cannot feel the LELO Luna Beads Mini in my vagina.

I really really love the original Luna Beads. They are my favorite vag balls. They make me want to dance, and I don’t dance. I never had an issue with their size. But if the Luna Beads Mini packed the same stimulation in a smaller package, I wanted to know, because some folks do not have cavernous vaginas like me.

The Luna Beads Mini are 3″ insertable and each ball is 1.23″ in diameter, versus the original Luna Beads’ 3.5″ insertable and 1.43″ in diameter. . . . read the rest

Review: Lyla

Review: Lyla

[Thankfully, the Lyla is now in its second generation: Lyla 2.
LELO also makes the rotating Hula Beads.]

Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in the vagina and fun on the town (bars! concerts! wherever sexy people go!). Every single other wireless egg ever created has been a horrible failure. But in the capable hands of a high-end company like LELO — makers of the lovely Siri, Luna Beads, and Ella — I expected, at the very least, for it to work as intended. . . . read the rest

Review: Y-Bullet

Review: Y-Bullet

The Lady Calston Y-Bullet is a HIGH-TECH device. It plugs into your USB PORT. It runs off PURE USB ADRENALINE. Its plastic box reads, Make Your Next MSN Web Cam Chat… A Y-Bullet Sexperience.

When I plug the Y-Bullet into my desktop computer, both my monitors go black and fall into a deep sleep, not to be woken again until I turn the computer off and back on. This horrifying phenomenon doesn’t take place on my laptop or my boyfriend’s computer, but the fact that it is a possibility should be enough to deter you.

If not, here’s the rest: it has one speed. . . . read the rest

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