Since I can't put "extensive sex toy knowledge" on a resume, I'm putting it in a blog. My reviews are snarky, unflinchingly honest, and delightfully void of the term "battery-operated boyfriend."
Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over.
The LELO Ina is a very divisive toy. Those who love it vehemently love it; those who have trouble with it vehemently bemoan its incompatibility with their anatomy. And while Ina certainly is anatomy-dependent (as most rabbits are), a more apt description would be “pain tolerance dependent.” Which sounds scary, but it’s true. I mean, I really [...]
I used to be frightened of realistic dildos. The flesh tones, the veins, the balls — all of it. It grossed me out. And I know this visceral reaction is shared by many, despite how we may feel about actual cocks. But somewhere, something changed with me. I’m not sure when or what it was. [...]
The Jollies Jollet: it looks so simple, but there is virtually no other dildo like it. And not just because it’s polka-dotted. I mean, that helps quite a bit, but it’s not the main reason the Jollet rocks. Made of 100% silicone, the Jollet is one of the most rigid silicone toys I’ve squeezed. It’s [...]
Randy Field Diary, Day #1 — Arrival My pussy is not ready for the brown beast they classify as “Randy.” I’m quite sure of this, pulling its plastic storage tube from the packing peanuts. I don’t own any specimens that even come close to Randy’s girth of 2 3/16″ in diameter. Even with a frugal [...]
The Jollies Rider is an unusual beast. Part lump of silicone, part vibrator, it is meant to nestle inside the vagina and quietly, secretly, stimulate. While it may look as unassuming as a river rock, it is actually quite large, at 4.5″ long and 1.75″ in diameter. It comes with a one-speed silver (not purple) [...]
On the front of the package, a circle of orange spines say, “Try Me.” You feel them; they are glossy, pointy, somewhat pliable. They remind you of body jewelry, Hot Topic, the 90s. But this tactile experience does not prepare you for the sensation of the spines in your pussy. And you feel them all. [...]
When I began reviewing sex toys, my vagina was the biggest wimp. I was still a virgin, after all, and had only penetrated myself with a tiny toy skinnier than two of my fingers. Of course, I was promptly assigned an insertable toy. It was a rabbit, but the shaft really wasn’t very thick. Nonetheless, [...]
You always remember your first. And I’m proud to say that Ella is mine — the first toy to give me a G-spot orgasm. Now, I have long since gotten over the fact that sex toys are, inherently, foreign objects I’m introducing to the most sensitive parts of my body. And yet, when I slid [...]
