not for the faint of vagina

Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over.

Dec 072013
 
Today in my life... a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this toy, because I still don’t believe that someone would send this to me, ever, let alone for free… But there it is. A Sybian. In all its hulking glory. Safe and sound, with the grotesque attachments neatly [...]

Dec 032013
 
Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a place of understanding with the bumbling, imprecise beast that is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps that is how it was meant to be. But there should be laws forbidding newbie reviewers from trying it. I received [...]

Apr 242013
 
Review: Stronic Eins

There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp [...]

Dec 042012
 
My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised [...]

Nov 202012
 
Review: Splash

The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a Nickelodeon awards show, it’d be grinning and taking it like a champ. Because life is good for the Splash. It is a dildo that stands out aesthetically, but also succeeds internally. It doesn’t have to worry [...]

Oct 152012
 
Review: James Deen dildos

THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.” [...]

Mar 172012
 
Review: Rippler

The Good Vibes Rippler is like what the Tantus Echo wants to be when it grows up. It is a beast. A glimmering, swirly green beast; a beast that, sadly, promises much more than it delivers. I know. Despite the fact that I love large dildos, textured dildos, and toys that come in green, and despite [...]

Jan 172012
 
Review: Crystal Twist

You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twists? The answer is: you can’t. Sure, you can’t eat this dildo, but it will provide an everlasting pleasure that deep-fried, cinnamon-sugar-dusted dough simply cannot. I mean it. I don’t throw around the word [...]