I've been a sex toy fiend for over 5 years. Since I can't put "exhaustive sex toy knowledge" on a resume, I put it in a blog. My reviews are snarky, honest, and delightfully void of euphemisms.
Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over.
There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp [...]
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised [...]
[Guys! This dildo is 15% off at SheVibe through May 28th. That means it's only $55. Get it, yo.] The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a Nickelodeon awards show, it’d be grinning and taking it like a champ. Because life is good for [...]
THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.” [...]
The Good Vibes Rippler is like what the Tantus Echo wants to be when it grows up. It is a beast. A glimmering, swirly green beast; a beast that, sadly, promises much more than it delivers. I know. Despite the fact that I love large dildos, textured dildos, and toys that come in green, and despite [...]
You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twists? The answer is: you can’t. Sure, you can’t eat this dildo, but it will provide an everlasting pleasure that deep-fried, cinnamon-sugar-dusted dough simply cannot. I mean it. I don’t throw around the word [...]
The Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish is a magical sea creature. Yes, I just wrote that sentence. And I’m keeping it. Because despite the fact that this dildo is basically a conglomeration of veins topped with a jellyfish-shaped head… I fucking love it. Usually I have to choose between G-spotting and texture. Texture can be so overwhelming that G-spot [...]
The .GIFs did me in. The mesmerizing, neverending .GIFs. I stared at them in a trance, focusing my attention on the PS-spot, thinking of what it would be like to discover something else as amazing as my G-spot. The .GIFs promised so much glorious stimulation. I wanted it all! And then suddenly the Split Dildo [...]
