LELO

Swedish luxury sex toy brand LELO makes some fantastic toys. My favorites: Mona 2, MiaElla, and the Luna Beads. They come with great warranties, and their rechargeables tend to hold their charges FOREVER.

However, they’ve had their share of fuck-ups: Pino, Ida, Ora, and SmartWands.

Review: Mona Wave

Review: Mona Wave

The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly planning out the toppings on the pizza they’re going to order after I finally fucking come. I know that isn’t what you want me to say. You want me to say that the Mona Wave is like being fingered by the devil, or that it’s the . . .

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2014

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2014

Oh hey, remember 2014? It was the year I was a guest on Sex Out Loud Radio, I taught a sex blogging class, I fell in love with someone new, and I bought a house. This year I coined a new catchphrase, “that’s not where my clit is,” which can be applied to any unsatisfactory . . .

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a . . .

Um, No: Pino

Um, No: Pino

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail . . .

Review: Hula Beads

Review: Hula Beads

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that . . .

The great Mona summer party winners

The great Mona summer party winners

It wouldn’t be enough to call my great Mona summer party giveaway a success. Over 1,000 humans entered via the widget, with even more reblogging, posting in the comments section, and joining the Twitter party, for well over 10,000 individual entries. This giveaway was a whirlwind — and rightfully so. I asked for the unthinkable: to give . . .

Giveaway: the great Mona summer party!

Giveaway: the great Mona summer party!

Put on your sunhats, make your best lemonade, and fill up the pool, because the time has come for the greatest party of the summer. It involves ORGASMS. This is the party I’ve been wanting to throw ever since I fell in love with the LELO Mona 2 vibrator years ago. I am bringing Mona to the masses and giving . . .

I got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and life is perfect

I got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and life is perfect

[But what about the Mona Wave, you ask? It’s a half-assed imposter.] I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So . . .