dildos

Gah, how I love them.

Review: Downunder Toys

Review: Downunder Toys

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA.

Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked.

Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this:

I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life? . . . read the rest

Review: Bouncer

Review: Bouncer

Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy who slices up fake IDs in vodka commercials. The guy who tells you your slacks are not appropriate for the sex club. The guy whose existence you begrudgingly accept because he might protect you from peril at some point, but who is mostly just macho and huge and ridiculous.

It’s true that the Bouncer needs a technical name, though, since simply meandering across its shape would not grab your attention. You’d never know without reading a description or holding this dildo in your hands that each ripple contains a free-moving ball, ready to roll around when the toy is jostled. . . . read the rest

Review: Joyful Pleasure glass dildos

Review: Joyful Pleasure glass dildos

These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel frustrated if I can’t conquer them. Whether it’s sheer size, extreme heftrepetitive bloops, every imaginable electrostim setting, or simply a bulge just out of reach, I feel the uncontrollable urge to experience all that a toy has to offer.

Combine this with the fact that I’m a texture slut, and you have a recipe for vaginal disaster. When presented with the opportunity to review dildos from Joyful Pleasure, I of course ignored anything smooth and went straight for dildos with bumps, swirls, bloops, and, unbeknownst to me, challenging lengths. . . . read the rest

Review: Ceramix No. 4

Review: Ceramix No. 4

I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting a Magic 8 Ball. The Ceramix No. 4 doesn’t feel like that, which is one reason you shouldn’t buy it. But it’s not the main one.

The other reason is that it’s made by Pipedream. I hate this company and want to burn it to the ground. They have violently sexist and racist marketing, which they defend with statements about how men are basically pigs anyway. They write upsetting press releases and send repulsive emails. . . . read the rest

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2014

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2014

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!]

Oh hey, remember 2014? It was the year I was a guest on Sex Out Loud Radio, I taught a sex blogging class, I fell in love with someone new, and I bought a house. This year I coined a new catchphrase, “that’s not where my clit is,” which can be applied to any unsatisfactory experience. I shook my head in disgust at the LELO PinoTeddy Love, and shitty G-spot articles. I hung out with my friends, bid farewell to the makers of fantastical dildos, and said hello to my new sponsors. . . . read the rest

Review: The Ash Girl

Review: The Ash Girl

I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else.

Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest most high-quality glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them. . . . read the rest

Review: Wild Stripes dildo

Review: Wild Stripes dildo

Finally, a manufacturer is going balls-to-the-wall with their silicone sex toy designs — and I love how flamboyant and playful they are. Spanish company BS Atelier makes a dildo for everyone: one for vegans and/or those who miss Gateway computer boxes, one for horror fans, another for people who like to splatter paint, and even one for that dude who keeps his socks on during sex.

I chose none of those dildos. I chose the uncategorizable Wild Stripes, which is striped diagonally with black, white, orange, pink, purple, red, and grey. I chose it solely based on how attractive it was. . . . read the rest

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker.

Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious.

The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. . . . read the rest

Review: G-Spoon

Review: G-Spoon

I promptly asked for the biggest size available, because of course I did. That was my mistake.

The dildo comes, of course, in other sizes manageable to the average vagina, but mine is not the average vagina. I use my vaginal distinction as justification for choosing THE HUGEST OF THE HUGE at all times. Sometimes to my glory, sometimes to my detriment.

The detriment is not, as you might assume, because it is too large to insert. Oh, that’s a breeze — 1.75″ in diameter of solid glass? No big deal. The detriment is that the G-Spoon is too damn heavy. . . . read the rest

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