[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review. I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. For this video review, I . . . read more
This is a condition I coined to describe vibrations that don’t seem to reach the surface of a toy. Many Fun Factory toys suffer from this ailment, since they have more silicone cushion to them than most. Clitoral toys with buried vibration syndrome suck. For insertable toys, buried vibration syndrome can actually be an asset, because it prevents the toy from numbing my vagina. The best way I’ve seen this explained was in this article.
Power affects the pitch and noise level of a vibrator. The reason this can be a factor is because often manufacturers will do everything they can to make a vibrator quiet as that is how most customers prefer it. However, in doing so they must often add sound barriers that keep the vibrator from having the internal components vibrate. This will impact the level of sensation that one can feel on the surface of the vibrator and may reduce the power. However, one of the most powerful vibrators on the market (Wahl) is so quiet that you can barely tell it is on, so it really is in how a vibrator is designed that will affect its noise and power.
This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more
The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust. Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death. Buzzy vibrations can . . . read more
You might stumble across the Lovehoney Mini Magic Wand while shopping for the legendary Mystic Wand and think to yourself, “oh! It’s 30% cheaper than the Mystic Wand and virtually the same! Nailed it!” But you would not, in fact, have nailed it. The second time I went to try the Mini Magic Wand, I actually said out loud, “oh, I have to use that fucking piece of shit again.” Nobody was in the room. Just a cat snoozing on my desk. The Mini Magic Wand takes four AAs, the same type and number as the Mystic Wand, yet it uses them for evil. Loud and obnoxious and incredibly buzzy evil. Also, the batteries must be inserted into a stupid plastic contraption that . . . read more
[My new Big Boss G5, with much-improved buttons. Sadly, it no longer comes in orange.] The Fun Factory Big Boss is seriously orange. Across the room, day-glo, Manic Panic, atomic, toxic waste orange. Of course, that was a big reason I wanted it. I love that Fun Factory d-d-d-does have the guts to make their toys in off-beat, unpopular colors. But it was the combination of the orange + the girth + the G-spotting head that really called out to me. Yes, the Big Boss is also a vibrator, but vibrations never “call out to me,” likely because I can’t feel them through the internet (OH MAN WHAT IF?). I acquired the Big Boss assuming I’d prefer it with the vibrations off. Internal vibrations don’t . . . read more
They’ve figured us out, guys. THEY KNOW. People… actually… use… vibrators. The newest model on the shelves is the Tri-Phoria, created by the condom company Trojan after a study the company conducted in 2008 in partnership with the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University revealed that over half of American women had used vibrators, and of that group, nearly 80 percent had shared them with their partners. James Daniels, vice president for marketing at Trojan, said: “The idea really came from consumers. They kept telling us vibrators, vibrators. And we just laughed. And then we realized they were serious.” How could I resist trying the device born of such a revelation? And while I was at it, I thought, . . . read more
[Update: The Kiki sucks, but the Ako doesn’t. 1 AAA makes all the difference.] I was going to ignore PicoBong altogether. Although I was initially drawn to the brand because, well, LELO invented it and some of the toys come in turquoise, I quickly found out that some of the toys were about as stimulating as rubbing a rock on your genitals. Besides, I give the side eye to anything that takes a mere one AAA. But a rep from PicoBong emailed me, and despite my prediction that I’d hate anything in the entire line, they sent me the Kiki. Which is good, I guess, because y’all deserve to know just how much of a waste of time this toy is. The Kiki . . . read more
The Fun Factory MiniVibe Spring is a little pipsqueak of a vibrator in the same family as Fun Factory’s Bubbles, Ocean, and Flash — all smallish, rechargeable, fully waterproof silicone vibrators that charge magnetically. Of those options, I chose the Spring because IT COMES IN GREEN. Yeah, I’m easily swayed. So what? Not sure whether it wants to be a clit vibe or an insertable, the Spring is a confusing 3.25″ long and 1.25″ wide. Unlike some other silicone vibrators that are hard as rocks, the Spring definitely has some cushion to it — a layer of soft, matte silicone over the mechanical parts. If I squeeze the center of the vibe, it makes a slightly worrisome popping sound (which is . . . read more