California Exotic Novelties

Cal Exotic is one of the big four sex toy manufacturers, in addition to Doc Johnson, Topco, and Pipedream. In my opinion, they are one of the better ones, although that’s not a huge compliment. They have a luxury-focused division called Jopen.

Review: Ceres Lace

Review: Ceres Lace

I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more.

This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo).  . . . read the rest

Review: Comet II Wand

Review: Comet II Wand

Bloggers created a wave of hysteria following the release of the Jopen Key Comet G Wand.

“It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina,” Girly Juice raved.

“I was 38 years old and found my G-spot for the first time in my life with the Key Comet and the blended orgasms I can get with it completely blow my mind,” Dizzygirl wrote.

I ranked it as the #1 sex toy I tried in 2013 and explained, “this is simply a toy that comes very, very, disturbingly close to usurping one of the greatest G-spot dildos of all time . . . . read the rest

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply.

They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t.

This is an affront to my vagina and its power.

Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty.

It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. . . . read the rest

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything.

Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. . . read the rest

Postcards from the Peanut Gallery: Comet G Wand

Postcards from the Peanut Gallery: Comet G Wand

Usually it takes a bit of time for my screaming endorsements to seep into the consciousness of my readers. Especially when the toys I love cost a pretty penny. But not this time. I flailed about the Jopen Comet G Wand less than two months ago, and I’m already getting reports back that peeps have bought and loved it.

A reader named Alex sent me the sweetest, ego-stroking email thanking me for alerting her to toxic sex toy materials and iffy lube ingredients, the existence of good porn, and glass dildos. She bought the Crystal Delights Star Delight and Comet G Wand based on my reviews, and confessed, in perhaps the greatest compliment ever given to me, “my vagina thanks you from the bottom of its (our?) heart.”

Intrigued, I asked her to elaborate. . . . read the rest

Review: Comet G Wand

Review: Comet G Wand

[Wondering what I think of the vibrating, second generation Comet II? It is ALSO AWESOME.]

It’s only February, and the Jopen Key Comet G Wand has a very good chance of being the best sex toy I try all year.

I am, I must say, flabbergasted. I mean, this is Jopen we’re talking about. Jopen, creators of the what-the-fuck that is the Intensity. Jopen, whose parent company is California Exotic. Jopen, who must think they are naming perfumes rather than vibrator lines (KeyEgo, Vanity). They’re not always the sharpest tool in the shed… but this is a motherfucking home run. . . . read the rest

Legend for my header

Legend for my header

Click to embiggen.

Yes, my friends! The time has come! No longer will you have to slave away on the internets trying to figure out WTF that-one-toy-in-Epiphora’s-header is. No longer will you have to sheepishly email/tweet me and awkwardly try to describe the location of the toy you need identified.

I took the picture that became my header image in fall of 2008, when I bought, so these toys are all from that time. Some of them are a bit embarrassing…

  • Evolved Symphony Rhapsody
  • Hitachi Magic Wand — I received my first one a little too early in my reviewing career.
  • . . . read the rest
    Review: Vanity by Jopen Vr9

    Review: Vanity by Jopen Vr9

    This vibrator is not purple. It is fuchsia. Let it be known. Despite every product photo ever depicting it as a nice, moderate color of purple, it is instead a bright fuchsia that made me gasp when I opened the package. I’ll survive, but I just wanted you to know.

    The Vanity by Jopen line is a mysterious line of luxury-style sex toys made by big-wigs California Exotic Novelties. Actually, I found out, the line was originally invented by BMS Enterprises and named Swan, but Cal Exotics bought the rights to it for North American distribution. To distance themselves from their sleazy reputation (for reference, they make things like this and this), Cal Exotics created a faux-company named Jopen, and each toy in the Vanity line is named Vr1, Vr2, etc. . . . read the rest

    Love letter to the Turbo Glider

    Love letter to the Turbo Glider

    Dearest Turbo Glider,

    Hello, my dear. It’s been a while, I know. A few trysts here and there, but things between us are nothing like they used to be. I understand if you feel neglected; I barely get you out from the drawer at all. The truth is, my clit now prefers less buzzy, more unique toys. But don’t cry; you will always be in my heart. I will always remember you fondly as my first true sex toy love.

    It was February of 2007, and I was in search of something cheap to get me off. I picked you up from the mail room at college and for a solid year afterward, you were my only sex toy. . . . read the rest

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