Jan 072015
 

Jopen Key Ceres Lace Massager vibratorI believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more.

This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres Original, Ceres G-Spot, and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for instance, looks pretty similar to the Ceres G-Spot — for $25 less.

But Jopen is LUXURY! Or so they think.

The Ceres Lace takes 2 AAs. There’s a thin plastic sheath inside the toy that you have to remove and insert the batteries tightly into. Printed on the sheath: Noise-proof tube. Do not discard. It’s kind of upsetting when you realize all that’s keeping your “luxury” vibrator from buzzing like a household appliance is a thin ribbon of plastic. Like, that’s where your $65 went?

The Ceres Lace has 7 settings, all of which are strongish and buzzy. Since it only has one steady setting, the chances of me using it for clitoral stimulation are 0.000001%. It would get me off, but let’s be real — I’ve got better things to hold against my clitoris. The 6 patterns are what you’d expect: a combination of pulsation and escalation.

The “stainless alloy” button is easy to push theoretically, but in use the angle is a bit wrong. It doesn’t ruin my life, but it can be hard to press in the right spot.

The Ceres Lace would be awesome if made with squishier silicone, or just more silicone, like Fun Factory does with their vibes. As is, it’s so rigid it may as well be plastic. Well, plastic with drag to it. It feels scratchy and not fun at first, as extremely textured toys tend to, but becomes more pleasurable as I become more aroused and keep adding MORE LUBE. When I’m near orgasm I can twist it to and fro and my G-spot likes it, but my G-spot is a crazy bitch who likes everything. Especially close to orgasm.

This toy did spur me to create new texture-related blog categories — bumps, ridges, swirls, and bloops — and it doesn’t really fit into any of them, which is commendable. But most days, the Ceres Lace is too much texture and not enough G-spot stimulation. Its buzzy vibrations, while great for diluting the craziness of the texture, can’t propel it to stardom.

The Ceres Lace is like a movie I’d rate 6 or 7 on IMDB. It’s enjoyable, momentarily, and like Lovelace fulfilled its role of keeping me occupied for its duration, the Ceres Lace does its job of being something that hangs out in my vagina while I get off. It works. But I’d never seek it out again, and I’ll probably forget its name — because I can do without it.

Another issue is that those “cute” little thatches collect every bit of vag crust imaginable. While I dream of hiring someone to clean my sex toys on a regular basis, even the most skilled professional would not be able to eradicate every bit of it. Sad but true: the thought of having to clean the Ceres Lace outweighs any desire I might have to use it. The cleaning is that annoying, and the toy is that unexceptional. I prefer the Splash, Ash Girl, or Star Delight.

You may be an ideal candidate for this vibrator if a) you LOVE extreme textures, b) you love buzzy internal vibrations, c) you don’t desperately need G-spot stimulation, and d) you’re not a whiner and can handle the clean-up involved. I am not the ideal candidate. I only fulfill a), and sometimes b). Never d) — I’ll always be a whiner.

Thanks, SheVibe!

Dec 302014
 

Oh hey, remember 2014? It was the year I was a guest on Sex Out Loud Radio, I taught a sex blogging class, I fell in love with someone new, and I bought a house. This year I coined a new catchphrase, “that’s not where my clit is,” which can be applied to any unsatisfactory experience. I shook my head in disgust at the LELO PinoTeddy Love, and shitty G-spot articles. I hung out with my friends, bid farewell to the makers of fantastical dildos, and said hello to my new sponsors. I conducted several hugely successful giveaways, one of which netted some of the most creative entries I’ve ever seen. I also got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and wouldn’t shut up about it.

Through it all, though, I did what I do best: I put a bunch of new stuff in/around my vagina. Now, I will use my discernment to tell you which toys sucked the most and which toys sucked the least (err, ruled the most) this year.

As in 201320122011, and 2010 (jesus, I’ve been doing this a long time), I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out awards such as “Biggest Disappointment” and “When I Use This Toy, My Desire to Throw It Across Room Rises Exponentially With Each Passing Minute.”

Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year!

Best sex toys of 2014

Epiphora's best sex toys of 2014

  1. We-Vibe Pleasure Mate Dusk  Sneaking in at the final hour, this surprising product quickly became a staple in my vagina. No, uh, it became my laziest masturbation tool. It’s meant to go in your butt, but I wear it vaginally at my desk and the vibrator hugs my clit, turning me into a useless blob of arousal and hands-free orgasms.
  2. Jopen Comet II Wand — An expected but nonetheless formidable addition to the list, the Comet II Wand continues right where the original Comet left off and relentlessly targets my G-spot with very little effort on my part. As I wrote, “I literally did not want to go a few seconds without [the Comet] inside of me.”
  3. OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle — I’m still so excited about the Cuddle. It’s only $69, which is a steal for a rechargeable, and it’s really good. It has the versatility, both in vibrations and shape, that is the hallmark of a well-thought-out sex toy. It’s like my beloved Mona 2 (which I almost added to this list for the third year in a row; please congratulate me on my restraint), but $70 cheaper.
  4. Crystal Delights Ash Girl — The second dildo of the year to blow my mind. I am a texture slut and because of that, this toy is everything. Also, it’s incredibly attractive.
  5. We-Vibe Tango — Best enjoyed as a companion for the Dusk, the We-Vibe Tango is a very mighty toy in its own right. Any company that can pack that level of power into a toy the size of a Nerf dart gets my accolades.
  6. PicoBong Moka and Ako — Although I haven’t reviewed these two battery-operated vibes, they are quite good. Moka is, honestly, better than all its flat tip competition, and Ako is an inexpensive little clitoral vibe that I am now constantly recommending to vibe newbies. Also, it’s shaped like a bean.
  7. OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure — Me, enjoying a triple stimulator? It seemed implausible, and yet the Adventure did it for me. Somehow, it just hit me in the right spots. Unfortunately, it’s last on the list because it’s hard to know if it will hit others in the same spots.

Worst sex toys of 2014

Epiphora's worst sex toys of 2014

  1. Fun Toys G-Vibe — Am I more offended by the idea of this toy, or the actual sensations it produces? Probably the former, but I don’t care — I’m putting it at number one anyway. The world does not need another sex toy in the shape of a Y. This is not the solution to vaginas everywhere, and Fun Toys needs to stop acting like it is. (Also, it’s SO FUCKING BUZZY.)
  2. LELO Hula Beads  Why the Hula Beads exist at all is still a mystery to me. They rotate, and they’re supposedly for on-the-go pleasure or something, but they feel like they are making ice cream in my vagina. I wrote, “I legitimately thought I was inducing my period one time by wearing them.” I shudder just remembering.
  3. LELO Ora 2 — I feel confident saying that nobody is surprised by the failure of the Ora, but that doesn’t make it any less upsetting. A toy claiming to feel like oral sex should, at the very least, offer a variety of unique and pleasurable sensations — not a single lone setting that only feels good when I hold the toy just right. Also, I haven’t been to hell, but I can only assume it consists of perpetually cleaning vag gunk out of the crevasse of the Ora.
  4. OhMiBod Lovelife Discover and Smile — In a strange plot twist, the smaller toys in OhMiBod’s Lovelife line are absolutely worthless. They’re so buzzy it scares me.
  5. OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls  These mostly-forgettable kegel balls would not have made it onto either list, except for the fact that the silver paint on some of them started FLAKING OFF after normal wear and tear. I took a hammer to the silver balls because that’s how much I hate toxic toys.
  6. Unique Condom (not pictured) — I, myself, never actually tried this strange iteration of everyone’s favorite contraceptive (it wouldn’t unroll onto my boyfriend’s penis), but 16 of my amigos did. The reports were lousy, including one particularly apt comparison to a Crunchwrap Supreme. Also, while writing this list I mentioned the Unique Condom to my boyfriend, and he carped, “god, that thing sucked.” It was somehow burned into his memory even though it barely touched his penis and probably ruined only about 3 minutes of his life.

The Ends Justify the Means

(My favorite review of the year.)

The Magic Banana

It was a narrow race, but due to overall content and also that amazing photo (single best use for Bananagrams in my household since I can never beat my crossword-obsessed boyfriend), I’m giving this to the Magic Banana. I was prepared for the sensation of being “gently disemboweled” by this toy, but actually found it to feel oddly mundane.

The Magic Banana did, however, come with a “note on empowerment” and silly manual which I could not resist riffing on:

COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER!

Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.”

Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is simultaneously hokey and woo-woo. Like, the manual actually has a section entitled “Getting to Know Your Magic Banana.” The creator of this toy is Janeson Rayne, a “yoga educator, veggie chef, fine artist, and mom,” and her face is splashed all over everything, in a way that kinda starts to feel like your mom is watching you masturbate and giving you disturbingly specific G-spot tips.

Also, I’ll never not be proud of using the Magic Banana to remove vaginal clogs.

Honorable mention: The Fun Toys G-Vibe is likely my second best review this year, particularly for its takedown of the creators’ stupid origin story and for lines such as “the only nipples it would be able to stimulate at the same time would be those of a child.”

Otherwise, I consider these my best zingers of the year.

Everyone on earth could have told you that the rolly ball on the original Ora didn’t protrude enough. I suffered through that toy, and I can confirm: it was like a ladybug crawling gingerly across my clit.

LELO Ora 2 review

If these toys can be disassembled by a drunk girl fumbling around on Skype, I feel like that’s a bad sign.

Tenga Irohas review

People who enjoyed the condom: 25%
People who likened the condom to a plastic bag or saran wrap: 75%
People who used the word “crinkly”: 44%
People who complained that the pull tabs make it hard to apply when drunk: 13%
People who felt that the existence of this condom proved that the universe and/or a deity hates them: 13%

Unique Condom review

I keep thinking this is what it would be like to be fingered by Salad Fingers.

Fun Toys G-Vibe review

I’m like a dude just waiting for the orgasm I’m certain I will get. The orgasm the world owes me. Like I’m wearing a suit, hands behind my head, self-satisfied smirk on my face, while my secretary blows me under the desk.

We-Vibe Dusk Pleasure Mate review

No matter how you use it, THIS TOY DOES NOT AND WILL NOT STIMULATE THE CLITORIS. Get it out of your head right this instant. This is not a rabbit and it does not vibrate. If anyone on earth can get off from the subtle nudging movements of this toy on their clit, I will be floored. I think it’s about as likely as Apophis crashing into earth…

Okay, hold up. I am being informed, as I write this at a coffee shop with my freak of a friend JoEllen, that she can get off with hers by holding it parallel to her body against her clit and letting it rub back and forth. She is acting it out with her hands, and the bougie moms nearby are none the wiser. I still stand by (most of) my tantrum, though. Clitoral stimulation could be a bonus for a few people, but should not be why you buy a Stronic.

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei and Drei review

I can get off with it — on high. I like the size and shape of the tip against my clit. But the vibration strength is just sad, especially compared to my beloved Mona. It’s pitiful, like an anti-choice legislator admitting he’s “never even thought about” why a woman would get an abortion.

LELO Gigi 2 review

—————

Hardest to Wrangle

(My most difficult review to write.)

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon

I spent a lot of time giving the Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon the benefit of the doubt, feeling puzzled about why I never seemed to like using it. This gorgeous glass dildo should have been a home run, with its enormous size and G-spotting curve. But something about those ridges and the overall weight of the toy, I realized, fucked it up for me. I hated giving a dismal pronouncement about a toy made by such a rad company, but I had to report the vaginal truth.

Honorable mention: In another case of “why oh why don’t I like this,” the BS Atelier Wild Stripes turned out to be far too gentle for me, and I had a hard time articulating any further than that.

—————

I Risked My Life for You; You Are Welcome

(A toy that caused pain, night sweats, disillusionment, etc.)

Fun Toys G-Vibe

Due to its horrifying split shape, the Fun Toys G-Vibe can supposedly be used in a variety of ways. So, of course, I had to try using one prong vaginally and one anally. No. No. No no no no. It hurt. I winced. I endured it longer than I should’ve. My masturbation session was ruined, and I was literally sore the next day.

Unforgivable.

—————

Cats’ Choice

Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildo

The Ash Girl from Crystal Delights came with a CAT BED!!!!!!!!!*

*Actually, it’s just a padded storage bag.

—————

Biggest Disappointment

LELO Gigi 2 rechargeable G-spot vibrator

I am forever sighing about the LELO Gigi 2. Touted as a long-awaited improvement over the original Gigi, it almost entirely wasn’t. The best new feature was that the toy is now waterproof, and I say that as a person who never jacks off in the shower or bathtub. It claimed to have 100% more power, but:

I definitely spent 5 minutes of my life with both my Gigis on high, switching quickly between them on my clit, ignoring the porn, and wholly unable to discern if there was a difference.

Finally I called my boyfriend into the room to resurrect the blind vagina clit test. After much back and forth with my eyes closed and my clit on high alert, I tentatively chose a winner. Then I opened my eyes.

I was wrong. I had chosen the old Gigi as the one that was marginally stronger, if at all.

MY CLIT HAS RENDERED ITS VERDICT.

Honorable mention: After the life-changing thrusting toy that was the Fun Factory Stronic Eins, I expected greatness from the Stronic Zwei and Drei. It was not to be. Both have shapes that are not as conducive to movement, and therefore don’t feel nearly as orgasmic.

—————

When I Use This Toy, My Desire to Throw It Across Room Rises Exponentially With Each Passing Minute

Black LELO Ora (original), blue LELO Ora 2

You do not know the pain of being a sex toy reviewer until you have to sit there, legs spread, forever re-positioning a toy against your genitals to try and squeeze an ounce of pleasure from it. It reminded me of my time with the SaSi, which yes, I dug out of storage just to verify that the Ora is about on the same shitty level. Worst of all, when I finally eked out some pleasure from the second generation Ora, it didn’t feel like a success — it felt like a betrayal.

Honorable mention: I couldn’t have an orgasm with the OhMiBod Lovelife Smile or Discover. Not that I physically wouldn’t be able to, but I refused to because the orgasms would have been so bad.

—————

Most Heinous Controls

LELO Hula Beads

Because LELO keeps insisting on this remote-controlled technology, I feel justified in giving this award to the LELO Hula Beads. The remote control is non-intuitive and the entire process convoluted, but what makes it truly the worst is trying to get the two parts to interact properly. Sometimes the toy responds to the remote; sometimes the toy responds several seconds later; sometimes the toy doesn’t respond at all. Rad.

—————

Stupid Sex Toy Trend of the Year

Sex toy crowdfunding Indiegogo nightmares

Crowdfunding.

I never would have thought, when I “launched” the Joy Ride as an April Fool’s joke in 2013, that the crowdfunding of sex toys would become such a pervasive thing. But it has, and now the campaigns range from the astronomically unsuccessful Lovable Undies ($0 raised — good work, team) all the way through the frightfully successful Eva (1,270% funded). Many of them are downright horrifying, as in the case of the HandieTeddy LoveGlov, and Sex Kitten, or just really dumb, as in the case of the Joyboxx.

What I hate most about crowdfunding, more than the grabby-hands begging and yes, even more than the undue press that all the campaigns seem to get, is the sensationalist claims. Eva, for instance, is apparently “the first truly wearable couples’ vibrator,” as if adding truly in there obliterates all protestation. HUM is “the first artificially intelligent vibrator.” MiaMaxx is “the worlds [sic] longest thrusting pleasure toy.”

I’m not wholly opposed to crowdfunding. But there is reason to be wary considering some scam campaigns with products that are physically impossible to actually produce still receive tons of press and money, with no recourse from Indiegogo.

Unless the company has already legitimately manufactured a sex toy, as in the case of Minna’s kGoal, OhMiBod’s blueMotion, or Orgasmatronics’ Ambrosia Vibe, don’t trust it. Because I guarantee you some of these people don’t know how to fucking make what they are peddling.

—————

Manufacturer of the Year

OhMiBod

I have admired OhMiBod for years, ever since they thanked me for calling their first toy “a shoddy piece of crap.” Okay, they didn’t thank me for that specifically, but for my honest critique. They also appreciated my negative review of their kegel balls. And although I don’t like their new blueMotion as a sex toy, the technology that allows you to control it from LITERALLY ANYWHERE is amazing.

2014 was the year OhMiBod finally came out with something that I love, the Lovelife Cuddle. It’s also the year I met Brian and Suki, the company’s creators. Brian, who was in town for literally one night, somehow made time to buy me a drink. A person with such good ideas who genuinely wants to do right in the industry and isn’t hurt by criticism — actually listens to it — is rare. Brian is that person, and OhMiBod is that company.

—————

There you have it! My favorites and least favorites of the past year. What about you? What was the best toy you discovered in 2014? The worst? Your favorite stupid sex toy trend?

Dec 202014
 

We-Vibe Tango Glow (pink) and Dusk (gray-blue) Pleasure Mate CollectionI’m in love. Its name is the We-Vibe Dusk, and I’m using it all wrong.

This toy is supposed to be a vibrating butt plug. It looks like a butt plug. It functions adequately as a butt plug. But something compelled me to put this toy in my vagina, and it was absolutely one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Like, on par with buying my first mug warmer, or thinking “hm, maybe I’ll start a blog.” Immediately, the Tango vibrator in the base nestled up against my clit, so closely that it seemed there was a chance of bringing myself to orgasm without touching anything. Just sitting there like a blob.

Could I do it?

I gripped the Dusk with my PC muscles, pulling it against my clit even more. I took some deep, shaky, slightly-confused breaths, eyes wandering over my computer screen but not actually reading anything. The rumbly vibrations of the Tango, not even turned up to high, reverberated against my clit. It felt awesome. It didn’t take long.

Afterward, I sat there in awe. It was unreal. And I didn’t have to work for it at all. Like, I rightfully did not deserve that orgasm. Which made it even sweeter.

Before I gush any further, let me clarify everything I’m actually reviewing today, which is not just the Dusk but its companion, the Glow G-spot dildo. They’re sold separately for $50 and $60, but together in the We-Vibe Tango Pleasure Mate Collection ($150), which comes with the glorious Tango vibe that fits in each of their holes. This is a wonderful thing, because We-Vibe has finally realized the true power of the Tango — that it can enhance all manner of other sex toys.

Hilariously enough, I thought for sure I’d prefer the Glow. It has that flat tip shape that many G-spots adore, and it does feel quite nice against mine. But the tip is a bit small, the shaft gets wider in a spot that my vagina doesn’t agree with, and grabbing hold of the base to thrust with the toy is pretty awkward. So using it internally is pleasant, but not as effortless and satisfying as, say, using the LELO Ella or PicoBong Moka.

But the Glow can always be used clitorally — if, for instance, the shape of the Tango alone is too pinpoint for you, or its plastic too harsh against your genitals. The Tango is a ridiculously powerful toy, so its vibrations travel well through the silicone. It’s stronger than the LELO Gigi 2 and rumblier than the PicoBong Moka. The trade-off: it vibrates my hand a lot more than a traditional vibrator, and it’s pretty loud.

BUT CAN WE GET BACK TO THE DUSK, PLZ?

When I use the Dusk vaginally, I position the Tango the same way it’s shown in my photo above, then insert the Dusk so the flat tip of the Tango rests against my clit. That way the sheath for the Tango is angled toward my body rather than away from it, and it really does snuggle right up against my vulva. For less pressure, you could flip the Dusk around. The Tango could also be shifted in the sheath depending on how much you need it to reach upward.

What’s freakish is how terribly normal these hands-free orgasms have now become with the Dusk. I’ve propelled to a new level of lazy masturbation, and you should probably stage an intervention. I sit there at my desk, legs spread, “working” and whimpering like a sad little puppy. I use my PC muscles to pull the Tango even closer against my clit, squeezing and releasing, working myself into a frenzy. (This toy should seriously be marketed as a kegel exerciser because my PC muscles have never been so toned.) The insertable portion doesn’t do a ton for my G-spot, but my clit is in fucking heaven.

I’m like a dude just waiting for the orgasm I’m certain I will get. The orgasm the world owes me. Like I’m wearing a suit, hands behind my head, self-satisfied smirk on my face, while my secretary blows me under the desk.

The Dusk is what every “hands-free” vibe claims to be and never delivers. It’s what the We-Vibe 4 and LELO Hula Beads wish they could be. It’s what the Aneros Evi should have been. When I stand up and walk around, it doesn’t even budge.

We-Vibe Tango Dusk Pleasure Mate chillin' on my dining room tableOne time, I not-so-subtlely put the Dusk out on my dining room table before my girlfriend Aerie arrived. You know, to make a statement. It worked. Aerie tried it vaginally, became horny, and we had sex. The We-Vibe Dusk totally got me laid.

Another time, Aerie wore it while scissoring me, and while it required a lot of adjustment, it was great once positioned correctly. Then, I wore it while wielding Buck in my Joque harness. Not only did it add to my enjoyment of strap-on play, but Aerie could feel the vibrations in the dildo as well.

I even wore the Dusk while writing this review at Aerie’s place, then after I had my obligatory hands-free orgasm I pulled the toy out, raised it to the skies à la The Lion King, and yelled “DUSK!” I don’t know why. It just seemed like the right response. (Also, I’m convinced you could re-write Fleetwood Mac’s “Tusk” to be about jealousy over a partner’s over-zealous relationship with their Dusk.)

I guess I should talk about how it fares in my ass. It’s nice. It’s really comfortable and reminds me a lot of the Fun Factory Bootie, although the Tango makes the base a bit bulky and long. The vibrations do not enhance the experience, though. Even on low, they travel more to my butt cheeks than inside me. It becomes unbearably itchy on high. I prefer it as a non-vibrating plug.

A few details diminish my love for the We-Vibe Dusk, but only slightly.

  • The Tango fits too snugly in its sheath and can be hard to wrest out.
  • It’s kinda difficult to change settings because the controls are at the bottom of the toy.
  • The Tango still only lasts an hour on a charge. Sometimes I end up furtively glancing at the clock trying to calculate how much time I have left before its inevitable death.
  • I have to turn the toy off quickly after orgasm because the intensity becomes overwhelming. So I don’t recommend it for secret office wanking unless you have the freedom to suddenly stick your hand down your pants.
  • It turns me into a unintelligible (you should have seen the way I tried to write the word “dudespread” while wearing it) and sweaty mess. But I guess I can take a shower.

Buying the magic combo of Dusk and Tango separately will set you back $130. The whole collection is $150 and includes the Glow (more of a bonus than a necessity), saving you $40 over buying each component individually.

The We-Vibe Tango Pleasure Mate Collection is an excellent kit for someone wanting to explore G-spot stimulation, anal play, awesome vibrators, and apparently, hands-free orgasms. Just make sure to verbally thank me for each orgasm. I have a copyright on Dusk-induced orgasms, you know.

Get the We-Vibe Pleasure Mate Collection at SheVibe, Babeland, or Lovehoney (international).

Get the Dusk and Glow separately at SheVibe.
Get the Tango at SheVibe, Good Vibes, Early to Bed, Babeland, or Lovehoney (international).

Dec 152014
 

Black LELO Ora (original), blue LELO Ora 2I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no.

I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed.

Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit.

Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year of its initial release, maybe re-think your testing process? Everyone on earth could have told you that the rolly ball on the original Ora didn’t protrude enough. I suffered through that toy, and I can confirm: it was like a ladybug crawling gingerly across my clit. It was like oral sex for someone who just arrived on this planet. At any given moment using it, I could not tell you where the rolly ball was. My orgasms were tortured; one time afterward, I instant messaged a friend: “I’m offended by the lack of pleasure I just experienced. It barely qualifies as an orgasm.”

In the draft of my review I wrote, among other burns,

Someone come take it from me, take it away, take it far far away. I don’t want to look at it, remember it, or experience it anymore. It has been a waste of my clit’s time and I want to block it from my memory.

The Ora 2 is an improvement because I can feel the rolly ball now. I can feel the thing that was promised to us initially. This is no real cause for celebration. The original Ora was worse than the Je Joue SaSi (which was released in 2008), and the Ora 2 is about on par with it — better in some ways, worse in others. There are no huge leaps and bounds being made here.

The original LELO Ora being uselessThe shape and size of this toy make no earthly sense to me. I don’t understand the hole in the middle, and never have. The toy itself is enormous (3″ in diameter) and takes up most of my vulva. I consider myself a very good masturbation multi-tasker, yet I still have trouble holding Ora in the right place while thrusting anything in my vag. Those with more buried clits will likely find it impossible to use Ora without manually spreading their labia to make way for it.

And don’t even try using Ora with an internal vibrator; the movement of the rolly ball will be very much diminished.

The Ora 2 has ten settings. Several are ball movement only (either a complete circle or a portion of one), and several are a mixture of movement and pulsation, which leaves only a couple that aren’t completely useless to me. Like, I am offended by the insinuation that a person with a vulva could come on some of these settings. The ball movement, even on the second generation version, is way too gentle. Any orgasm derived from this toy can be attributed almost entirely to the vibration — not the ball.

So, I’m only willing to chase an orgasm on one setting of this toy — full circle with steady vibration. The chances of my orgasm being ruined are high enough without suffering through one of the other modes.

I would be remiss not to admit that I’ve had a few good times with the Ora 2. On The Only Worthwhile Setting, turned up to “turbo” so the rolly ball’s circle is sort of fast, with the toy positioned just right and no attempts at thrusting anything in my vag, it feels good. The rolly ball maneuvers over my clit in a subtle but pleasurable fashion. With the vibration egging me on, I can come pretty easily.

But for $159? Nope. $159 should buy you refinement, and the Ora 2 is not refined. Sure, it’s rechargeable, waterproof, and made with quality silicone, but it’s such an awkward toy to use. Aside from its bumbling size, the buttons face away from me and the charging port is right by the part that I jam up into my vulva. Because that makes sense.

Can we also talk, again, about the Insignia line as a whole? About this silver plastic shit with a crevasse that is just perfect for vag juices? About how I gave up on ever Photoshopping every bit of my vag gunk out of these photos? LELO still uses this “design” for some of their toys! I don’t know why! I’m not so much concerned about seeing residue on my own toys, because I don’t give a fuck, but it becomes a problem when I pull this toy out to show mock in front of my friends and there’s dried gunk in the crevasse and it makes me look like a goddamn amateur.

LELO’s painful fauxnnovations and upsetting choices in recent years are really starting to worry me. Like Lana Del Rey’s latest album, the company seems to have become too moody and self-aware to be good. They know they can make bombastic claims and their reputation for quality will carry sales — whether those toys ultimately deliver or not. Hey, LELO, stop resting on pretty.

At its best, held correctly and on just the right setting and while holding your breath, the LELO Ora 2 is like a pleasant massage chair for your clit. At its worst, it’s a frustrating, expensive, technological nightmare that makes masturbation harder than it needs to be. A few good orgasms when the stars align are not worth $159.

And if you want oral sex, go find yourself an actual human tongue. No, not a severed one… one attached to a human who can actually respond to your needs and wants, apply pressure where it feels good, create unique movements, and oh yeah — suck. Can we all collectively agree that no sex toy is ever going to be able to do all of that?

The only thing Ora 2 has over a real person is that it vibrates, it doesn’t have a mustache, and you can berate it in disgust without offending it.

Get the LELO Ora 2 at LELO, SheVibe, Babeland, GoodVibes,
Come As You Are (Canada), or Lovehoney (international).

Dec 092014
 

OVO L1 Silicone Love BallsMy rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August.

Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff.

Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they did not stimulate. Several times, I half-assedly considered taking them out, but then went back to whatever I was doing. The only reason I remembered to remove them before I went to bed was because I saw the string dangling out of my vag when I went to pee.

This has not always been my experience. A week ago I wore them all day as I journeyed to the vet, to the recycling center, and to Target, and I did feel them jiggle some of the time. A few days ago, my boyfriend recorded drums while I did the vag ball dance to the beat, and they rolled around in response. I think I can feel the silver balls (which weigh 90 grams) more easily than the blue clear balls (70 grams).

I was starting to feel like maybe I should give the OVO balls an okay review. With a price tag of $17.99, you’d be forgiven for wanting to snatch them up just to try them. But a plot twist was yet to come.

I knew something was amiss when I first took them out of the box and realized they look ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like the digitally-rendered versions of themselves. The silver balls are chintzy, easily scratched, and have visible seams. The white silicone holster seems like an unfinished art project — the retrieval string (which is stupidly stretchy, because of course it is) has jagged edges and a stupid gem tacked onto the end for no apparent reason, all of which irritate my vulva in use.

Chipping silver paint and broken open OVO L1 Silicone Love BallsThen, as I was finishing this review and examining the OVO balls more closely, I noticed that the silver coating was chipping off. A few drags with my thumbnail over the surface and even more started flaking all over my fingers. Um, fuck that shit. Nobody needs a sex toy with gross silver cancer paint — I don’t care how cheap it is.

My vagina is getting tired, y’all. I’ve tried damn near every kegel ball in existence, and few are worthwhile. I couldn’t feel the Hold On To MeLuna Beads Mini, Maia balls, or Toyfriend Trainers. The Key Stella II nudges my cervix too much. The Vanity VR1 promised innovation and did not deliver. Evi is just a rigid blob. The Je Joue Ami set was okay but not at all worth $59. And the OVO balls are really badly constructed at least — harmful at worst.

My advice? Stick to the California Exotic Couture Eclipse for $19.99, made with nothing more than non-porous plastic and pure silicone. The rumbly rolling sensation is very easily felt in that set, similarly to my favorite but more expensive LELO Luna Beads. The Eclipse retrieval string is obnoxiously stretchy, because of course it is, but at least it doesn’t have weird edges and an unnecessary jewel.

And unlike the OVO balls, it won’t shed silver flakes into your vagina.

[I originally received this product from SheVibe, but they
have pulled it from their site due to this review. They rule.]

Dec 032014
 

Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildoI have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else.

Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them.

Therefore, I was not surprised when I loved the Ash Girl.

It’s a modest size, at 6.7″ long, 5.8″ insertable, and 1.4″ in diameter at its widest. It’s delightfully textured, with a slight G-spotting curve and pronounced head. The cherry on top is a unique Light Vitrail Swarovski crystal (a gorgeous conglomeration of pink and yellow) in the base, which serves as an excellent handle.

The Ash Girl comes with a fancy storage bag embroidered with Asian-style dragons and phoenixes, rather than Crystal Delights’ usual black. Just don’t leave the storage bag out on your desk; any nearby cat will find it to be a highly acceptable bed.

The texture on the Ash Girl consists of peculiar-looking raised swirls and curly-Qs, like you might doodle in your notebook in 7th grade. I wasn’t sure how this would feel, and I’m not sure how to describe it. The site’s description calls this dildo “delicately textured,” but I don’t agree. It’s definitely intense — on the verge of abrasive. But I’m weird, and I like that shit.

The Ash Girl is like a glass version of the silicone Jellyfish, about which you may recall me writing:

Usually I have to choose between G-spotting and texture. Texture can be so overwhelming that G-spot stimulation gets drowned out, and vice versa. Not so with the Jellyfish. The Jellyfish has both — and both are overwhelming. In a good way… usually.

Many will find this texture far too abrasive. Like, probably 90% of people with vaginas. I find it abrasive most of the time. But once I get really turned on, when my vagina opens up and I drizzle the lube everywhere, the Jellyfish is amazing. I clench around it and the G-spot stimulation from that is SO GOOD that I come too fast.

The good thing about the Ash Girl is that it isn’t very big. So while the texture is crazy, I don’t have to prepare my vagina in advance for the dildo’s arrival. I can get all of the delicious texture without added girth. And most importantly, there’s a bulbous G-spotting head in the deal, too. SCORE.

The bumpy Star Delight feels gentle in comparison to the Ash Girl. Its rounded bumps are less jarring, and the lack of a curve cuts back somewhat on the G-spot stimulation. The Star Delight, with its straight shaft, is better for spinning. The Ash Girl is better for thrusting, or nudging the head up against my G-spot while I clench around the shaft and relish in the raised swirls.

Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildoThe Ash Girl is touted as being “harnessable,” but I’m not about to try it. I’m enough of an oaf without having to worry about jabbing my partner with unyielding glass, and I wouldn’t want another person to be in charge of how much this toy moves inside of me. I asked my girlfriend about the “harnessable” claim. The response? “I feel concerned.”

Also, this is one of the most difficult toys to clean that I’ve ever owned. Just when I think I’ve toothbrushed off every bit of dried-up vag gunk, the toy dries and more gunk magically appears. What I’m saying is, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing this dildo with anyone I wasn’t fluid-bonded with.

The Ash Girl will never be the most widely enjoyed toy in Crystal Delight’s catalog based solely on how intense its texture is. It’s a very particular toy. At $145, it’s also more spendy than most dildos from Crystal Delights. Before purchasing, ask yourself if you like your vaginal walls to feel vaguely like they’re being scraped. I do, hence why I love it.

Thank you, Crystal Delights!

Nov 272014
 

GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. I’m here to tell you where you can get the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals on sex toys I have meticulously tested and can highly recommend. Best part: you can stay in your pajamas!

If you’ve been waiting to buy something I raved about, now is probably the time. Discounts like these don’t happen on such a grand scale at any other time of the year. Some toys will sell out, too, so if there’s something you want, don’t delay.

Black Friday sex toy deals from Epiphora!

So far I have deals from GoodVibes, Lovehoney, LELO, SheVibe, Tantus, Early to Bed, Fleshlight, Babeland, NobEssence, Sliquid, and JT’s Stockroom, plus porn-tastic sales from Crash Pad Series and Courtney Trouble, a web hosting deal from HostGator, business cards from Moo, and the usual from Amazon. I even have some special coupons you won’t find anywhere but here.

I will be continually updating this post as more sales pop up, so use that refresh button!

My favorite deals (toy name links to my review):

GoodVibes

BEST FOR: orders over $100 and LELO products.

Cyber Monday at GoodVibes, 25% off LELO and more!

Cyber Monday at GoodVibes means getting a $15 gift card with any order over $100, and LELO products continue to be on sale at 25% off! My LELO picks are Mona 2, Siri, and Mia 2.

I also suggest you get something from my favorites page, like anything from Vixen (I love Mustang and Buck), an Eroscillator Top 2 Deluxe,, njoy Pure Wand, Fun Factory Stronic Eins, Comet II WandNobEssence Romp, Vibratex Mystic Wand, We-Vibe TangoWe-Vibe Touch, Liberator Throe, and/or Joque.

Lovehoney

BEST FOR: international purchases over $80 or £50, especially of njoy products, Fun Factory Stronics, We-Vibe toys (I love Touch and Tango), and Vixen Creations toys.

25% off orders over $80 at Lovehoney this Black Friday!

My favorite worldwide sex toy shop, Lovehoney, will be giving a steep 25% off as long as you spend over a certain amount of money, among their other sales and special offers. Lovehoney has sites for UK, US, and Australia. I suggest checking out my landing page for my favorites and going from there.

This sale runs from Friday, November 28th to Monday, December 1st.

LELO

BEST FOR: international purchases of LELO products, especially Ella and the Luna Beads.

20% off and free international shipping at LELO with code PIPH20

Get 20% off everything, free shipping (EVEN ON INTERNATIONAL ORDERS!), and free lube with orders over $100 at LELO. Use code PIPH20. This code will take effect Thursday, November 27th and end on Monday, December 1st.

Do you have a clitoris? You need the Mona 2 (here’s why, and here’s another reason why). I also love the Luna Beads (review here), Mia (review here), Ella (first toy I squired with, yo), and Siri (review here).

SheVibe

BEST FOR: those placing an order over $125, especially for the LELO Mona 2 and more unique lines such as NobEssence wooden toys, Eroscillator, Leaf, and more obscure/fancy Liberator stuff, etc.

Black Friday Blowout at SheVibe!

It’s an escalating sale at SheVibe: the more you buy, the more you save! Get 10% off orders over $75 with code TURKEY10, 15% off orders over $100 with code TURKEY15, and 20% off orders over $125 with code TURKEY20. Check out my favorites for what you should get!

Coupon codes are only valid for countries they ship directly to: US, CA, UK, AUS. This sale runs Friday, November 28th through Monday, December 1st at 11:59 pm EST.

 

Free Sliquid lube with $75 purchase at SheVibe with code SLICKPIPH

Black Friday ONLY, you can get a free bottle of Sliquid lube (my favorite!) with purchase of $75 or more (after other discounts, which are compatible). Use code SLICKPIPH for this one, which ends at 11:59 pm EST on Black Friday. Use the code and SheVibe will add a bottle of Sliquid of their choice when they make your package. No need to add to cart!

Tantus

BEST FOR: those wanting specific Tantus toys, really cheap silicone toys, or toys for harness play, BDSM, prostate play.

tantus-cyber-monday-grab-bag

Cyber Monday at Tantus means 40% off already deeply-discounted Grab Bag sex toysThe Ryder ($11!) and Echo ($20!) are the best. Take advantage — this is a RIDICULOUS deal.

Black Friday steals at Tantus and additional 15% off with code EPIPHORA

Tantus always has epic sales, and their sale this year isn’t any different! They have various bundles of toys with deep discounts, and individual toys are also discounted.

Plus, you can use code EPIPHORA to get an additional 15% off already amazing sale prices. As always, free US shipping with orders over $100, and free international shipping with orders over $200.

Note: The full price will show on the product page as well as on each item in the cart until all items necessary for the bundle are present in the cart. After a few moments, the cart refreshes on its own to reflect the discounted price of each item.

Tantus also has specific products discounted. With the additional 15% off from the EPIPHORA code, you can get these:

This sale runs from Friday, November 28th through Monday, December 1st at 11:59 pm PST.

In addition, there will be 24 hour flash sales each day on a specific product. Watch this space and my Twitter account for info.

Early to Bed

BEST FOR: purchases of less expensive items and rare items from my favorites list, such as cute butt plugs, Vixen Creations single-density dildos, and porn DVDs.

15% off at Early to Bed when you purchase one of Epiphora's faves!

I am madly in love with Early to Bed, especially because they worked with me on a special deal just for my readers this year. Buy at least one product from my favorites page and get 15% off your total order with coupon code EPIPHORA15.

Early to Bed is especially great for non-dual-density dildos from Vixen that I love: Woody, Leo, Randy, and Large Real Bent (Claire). Here, you can also get the best deal on the Thinny MinnieHitachi, Cuddle, Moka, and Bootie.

Although this may not be the steepest discount you can get, Early to Bed is one of the greatest little indie sex shops around, so you should support them!

This coupon is valid Thursday, November 27th through Sunday, November 30th.

Fleshlight

BEST FOR: anyone wanting a Fleshlight, especially if you’re interested in Sex in a Can or the Shower Mount

Fleshlight is having a sweet sale Wednesday, November 26th through Tuesday, December 2nd. Here are the deets:

50% off Sex in a Can Fleshlights this Black Friday!

50% off Sex in a Can/Jack’s Soda products! These Fleshlights are great because they are smaller and more compact than traditional ones. Plus, the Jack’s Soda Fleslights come in the most adorable cans ever made.

Had your eye on something else? How about this:

Buy more, get more free gifts at Fleshlight this Black Friday!

Or were you wanting a Fleshlight Girl specifically? Well, boom:

Buy 2 Fleshlight girls, get one free!

Buy 2 Fleshlight Girls and get one free!

NobEssence

BEST FOR: gorgeous wooden toys straight from the source.

25% off with SAVE25 and free shipping on orders over $100

25% off with code SAVE25 and free shipping over $100 through this weekend only! You can’t go wrong with NobEssence, but I really like the awesome Romp and Seduction.

Babeland

BEST FOR: late shoppers on Cyber Monday.

15% off at Babeland Cyber Monday!

15% off everything at Babeland for Cyber Monday! Use code CYBERSAVE.

My fave vibes are the We-Vibe Tango, We-Vibe TouchLELO Mia 2, LELO Mona 2,  Babeland Silver Bullet, Blueberry Buzz, Picobong Ako, Picobong MokaHitachi Magic Wand, and Vibratex Mystic Wand. When it comes to dildos, you can’t go wrong with the njoy Pure WandFun Factory Stronic Eins, and/or pretty much anything from Vixen Creations. For your butt, get a njoy Pure Plug because they are perfection. Top things off with a Joque harness and Liberator Throe.

Sliquid / Ride Lube

BEST FOR: people who just want some lube, goddamnit, without having to buy other junk!

15% off Sliquid and Ride lube this Black Friday and Cyber Monday

15% off all orders at Sliquid and Ride Lube, from Friday through Monday. Sliquid is my favorite lube ever. The best part about this sale is that you can get an additional 10% off with code EPIPHORA, so bottles of my faves H2O and Sassy are just $10!

JT’s Stockroom

BEST FOR: inexpensive glass toys and bondage gear.

Up to 75% off at JT's Stockroom this Black Friday

Save up to 75% off in this sale from JT’s Stockroom, which runs now through Monday, December 1st. The Blue Ribbon Glass Dildo is only $19, the Bent is only $11, and this glass butt plug is $15.

Other much less tame stuff is on sale, too, such as paddles, gags, cuffs, collars, sounding equipment, anal hooks, and more!

Crash Pad Series and Courtney Trouble

BEST FOR: porn mongers!

10% off the first month at Crash Pad Series

Spanning Black Friday through Cyber Monday, Pink & White Productions will offer 10% off the first month of a level 2 membership to its queer porn site CrashPadSeries.com. Based on Shine Louise Houston’s dyke sex cult classic The Crash Pad, CrashPadSeries.com is a one-of-a-kind membership site, and a virtual hotbed of queer sexuality.

Autumn sale at Courtney Trouble's store!

It’s an autumn sale at Courtney Trouble’s store! Get $30 off the Double Trouble glass dildo toy PLUS a free DVD! The code FUCKFRIDAY will also get you 30% off any full length film in the online store (includes DVDs and downloads). You should buy Trans Grrrls. This sale runs through Sunday night.

HostGator

BEST FOR: budding bloggers needing a kick in the pants to start that blog.

55% off hosting at HostGator this Black Friday!

My awesome host, HostGator, is offering 55% off all new hosting plans from Friday, November 28th at 12 pm CST through Monday, December 1st, at 11:59 pm CST. They will also be running ten one-hour sales at a whopping 75% off. I’ll try to announce those on my Twitter account.

Moo Cards

BEST FOR: the best quality business cards in the land.

moo-cards-cyber-monday-2014

I always wait until Cyber Monday to order more business cards at Moo Cards. They did not disappoint this year, with 25% off business cards, stickers, postcards, and more. Super high quality cards that will impress your business associates (haha)!

This sale ends at 11:59 pm on Tuesday, December 2nd.

Amazon

BEST FOR: your non-sex toy purchases, because you love me.

Black Friday deals week at Amazon

If you’re shopping for non-sex-toys at Amazon this weekend, might I gently nudge you into using my affiliate link to do so?

Nov 242014
 

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO.

For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail at inopportune moments. 2013 brought us Ida, easily the most functionally deficient LELO toy I’ve ever tried (that’s putting it mildly), and the useless Hula Beads. This year, we were blessed with Ora, an “oral sex” simulator, which was a waste of my clit’s time.

And now we have this.

LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Your eyes do not deceive. That is a cock ring with a pinstripe-lined box, LELO-branded cufflinks, and a money clip engraved with the phrase “Always Be Closing.” Its tagline is indeed Exclusively for Bankers.

I’m sure you’re having a visceral reaction to me merely stating these objective facts, but allow me to make it a lot worse by quoting the press release and embedding the accompanying promotional video.

According to the company, the PINO “is the first pleasure object ever created to satisfy the hedonistic sexual cravings and excesses exhibited by members of the financial world, with LELO’s promotional video a testament to the role PINO will play in bankers’ lives.”

Steve Thomson, LELO’s head of marketing said, “PINO is the ultimate stimulus package, the most exclusive couples ring in the world and is aimed at the Wolves of Wall Street and Gordon Gekkos of our communities. They’re rarely satisfied and always looking for new limits to push, so PINO is about meeting those demands and adding a new adventurism to their sex lives.”

. . . “Can you think of a more demanding group to design a sex toy for?” Thomson said. “For most of us, sex is one of the most wonderful, pleasurable experiences in our lives. In the male-dominated, testosterone-drenched context of banking, it’s an obsession, and that perhaps explains the demands LELO receives and delivery to financial institutions. Bankers are both proud of their sex lives but also want to make sure they’re doing it right. PINO is kind of an external consultant in that respect, and as a sex-positive, inclusive brand — LELO creating this product 100% serves a demanding group.”

The new PINO is a premium couples’ ring worn by men during sex, with its stretchy silicone ring accommodating and enhancing men of all sizes. Its vibrating motor brings enhanced pleasure for her, “while ensuring the man will always close the deal with his partner,” the company says.

They’re right! The douchebag market was completely untapped before now! The world definitely needed a product catering to pompous rich asswipes! Those dudes were not taking up enough space to begin with; they needed to add more shit to their penises.

In this techno-saturated nightmare, all bankers are animalistic, unhinged, sex-obsessed men who get wasted, act stupid, objectify women, piss away their money, and get in bar fights… but don’t worry, they wake up just fine the next morning to put on their ties and go to their Important jobs.

Screenshots from LELO's promo video for Pino, the cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Sex positive! Inclusive! I mean, exclusively for bankers, but — somehow inclusive!

When LELO posted this video to their Facebook page, the people told them what they really thought, in potentially the first ever comments section not to disappoint.

Reactions to LELO posting their sexist Pino promo video on Facebook

Whatever happened to the LELO of yore? The LELO that launched toys like the Siri, Ella, and Luna Beads… simple toys with simple aims and great execution? What happened to modest toys like Gigi and effective toys like Mona? What happened to making sex toys that work with actual human anatomy? Or prioritizing the user experience? Or modes that people actually like? Or, god, marketing that doesn’t insult the entire human race?

Let me remind you, LELO, since you seem to have forgotten, about the principle on which your goddamn company was founded.

. . . Leaving their jobs to work on LELO full-time, the trio agreed to base everything on the concept that intimate items designed for women should be designed with women in mind.

Where were women when Pino was conceived? In the constructed reality of Pino, women are just fucktoys that shitty dudes take home after getting wasted. Women are disembodied ankles and bitches who flip men off (but secretly want to fuck them). Women are vessels upon which men project their egos. Women certainly aren’t bankers.

This makes me feel sicker than I did watching that video of people making Girl Scout cookie shots. And that’s saying a lot.

Nov 212014
 

I say this every year, but HOLY FUCK, PEOPLE. You went nuts in my 6-year blogiversary giveaway.

Over 3,600 individual souls entered, 2,200 people reblogged on Tumblr, and I lost count of the number of tweets long ago. Also, 1,900 of you filled out a survey about my blog, which blows my mind. I haven’t had a chance to go through the responses yet, but I’m sure they will be invaluable in my blog’s growth. So thank you!

A lot of you have been asking what the most popular prize packs were. The top three were the Stronic Eins + AkoMagic Wand + Pure Plug, and Ryder + Mona 2 + Lockable Toy Case.

Without further ado, the winners (who have all been contacted)!

Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!

Thanks to ALL OF YOU who entered. I know it sucks not to win, and to have the odds be so stacked against you, but know that I appreciate you as a reader and I wish I could give you all prizes.

As always, big hugs to the awesome companies who donated: LELOSheVibeLovehoneyTantus, EroscillatorWe-Vibe, Fun FactoryFleshlight, SliquidVixen Creations, OhMiBodCrystal DelightsBabelandNobEssence, njoyEarly to BedGood Vibrations, and Vibratex!