May 122014
 

LELO Mona 2 in all three colors (red, purple, pink AKA cerise)I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So much that I rush to comfort it when it falls off my nightstand.

“Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about that vibrator. The Mona is the only sex toy I take on trips. I force shops to add it to their inventory. I subtly push people toward it in my job on the floor of a sex toy boutique (my current record is within 20 minutes of opening). One time I named a stray cat after it.

Yes, there’s the Eroscillator, Touch, Hitachi, Mystic Wand, and Wahl, and I love all of those too, but none of them offer the versatility that the Mona does. None of them have the tapered tip shape that slides between my labia so perfectly, the range of vibration intensities that suit my clit’s any mood, the charge that… sometimes lasts long enough…

Okay. The word “Mona” is mentioned 261 times in my Twitter archive, and I’m trying to get #DumpHimBuyAMona to catch on, but the fact of my Mona dying in the middle of a jack-off session is definitely A Thing I Tweet About. A Lot. Although my Mona has a run time of 2.5 hours, I forget to charge it in between sessions and then this happens:

Well, peeps, all of that white whining is a thing of the past. Thanks to friends in high places, I now have not one, not two, but THREE Monas. One in each color. I literally own an entire set of one sex toy. 10-year-old My Little Pony collector me is losing her shit right now.

And finally, the dream I penned in my review became a reality: I have double-teamed with one Mona in my vag and one against my clit. I’m pretty sure angels sang.

Lest you deem me a lone lunatic, others also feel quite strongly about their Monas and many have reviewed it VERY favorably. People who are not me have made shrines to it and crafted mini Monas out of fondant. When I hang out with other sex bloggers, we have Mona parties and bring Mona to orgies. (“What color Mona 2 do you want to use?” is now my line.)

I know a few people who don’t love the Mona, but I still find it in my heart to be friends with them.

I’m trying to remember if I own any other “back-up” toys. I have 2+ of the Duet, Ola, Gigi, MiaHitachiTouch, and Tango, because they were each updated. I have two Wahls because people kept telling me their Wahls were loud and I needed to investigate.1 But I believe this is the first time I have owned several of the same toy with the explicit purpose of having back-ups in my times of need. And it is so, so awesome.

The only way this new system can fail is if I use two Monas simultaneously and deplete both of their charges. Then, oh horror of horrors, I will only have one fully-charged Mona to use. Thank goodness they charge quickly.

Get the Mona 2 at one of my fave places:
LELO, SheVibe, Early to BedBabeland,
Come As You Are (Canada), or Lovehoney (international).

  1. Unfortunately, both of my Wahls are quiet. I’m still looking into it. []
Apr 302014
 

Vixen Creations Mustang in NEON GREENWhen SheVibe found the last living neon green Mustang under a low shelf in their warehouse, we had to team up to give it away. And because any dildo pairs well with a nice vibe, we decided the winner would also get a Leaf vibe of their choice.

The lucky winner of this pairing is Kara! She chose the Leaf Life (oh hey, I like that one too!) and wrote back:

OOOOHHH MY GOD YOU JUST MADE ME DANCE AROUND MY APARTMENT IN JOY! MY DOG ALSO JOINED IN. You are spreading joy and orgasms around the world.

Also, I want to extend a slow clap to all of your comments about which discontinued toys (and companies) should come back, and which current toys should be discontinued. The world clearly needs Mr. Man to come back, as well as Whipspider Rubberworks, Penetralia, and Dills 4 Does.

Which things should be dumped off the nearest bridge? How about Anal Eaze, false and offensive advertising, the Revel Body, watch battery toys, 50 cent novelty dispensers in skeezy bathrooms, the LELO Ida, and my personal favorite: the word “naughty.”

Big huge thanks to SheVibe for having the idea for this giveaway! 
Remember, you can still get the Mustang in tie dye and neon pink.

I’m already cooking up my next giveaway. Hint: it’s an (over)abundance of one toy I love.

Apr 232014
 

Vixen Mustang, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveI knew I was in for something good because the email began, “I feel like only you can understand the breathtaking sense of wonder and accomplishment I’m feeling.”

Unsurprisingly, the email was about squirting.

Despite already owning and loving the G-spot god that is the Pure Wand, the letter writer experienced her first ever ejaculation with the unassuming Vixen Creations Mustang. See, I knew it would make a good beginner’s G-spotter!

Aside from having the best screen name on earth, That Virgin Who Can’t Drive is also very adept at describing sensation. As it turns out, the Mustang pairs wonderfully with the Leaf Vitality vibrator…

Okay, so, I’m still relatively new to toys and your blog has been indispensable in helping me to spend my money wisely. I was intrigued by VixSkin and pored over each of the reviews you’d done on the line, trying to get a sense of which one would be the best for me. Your review of the Mustang did me in – I snatched one up. The second I inserted it, I was in love (actual tears of pleasure may have been involved) and it still remains my favorite.

Reading your blog also opened me up to the possibility of squirting, which had never really occurred to me before as being feasible. I read your entries on squirting with a mixture of envy and awe, purchased my own Pure Wand, fell in love with it, didn’t squirt with it, tried again… and again… and again…

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I would feel the need-to-pee sensation, always with either the Mustang or the Pure Wand, and would be so sure I was going to squirt… only to have a great orgasm (ha, “only”) with no squirting. I’m not sure if I was psyching myself out at the last minute or what, but every single time: nada. I tried towels to relax, I tried flexing my PC muscles, but still nothing.

Vixen Mustang and Leaf Vitality, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveSo, last night I decided to jack off and grabbed my Mustang and my Leaf Vitality and settled in. It was one of those sessions that go from “just a half an hour” to “an hour… or two… or three…”

I got myself off twice and thought “eh, fuck it, one more.” This time the orgasm built up slowly — surprisingly slowly, considering I’d already had two very strong ones in the last hour — but I was patient. I’d thrust crazily with the Mustang and then ease off, teasing myself, all while I had one of the Vitality’s leaves on my clit.

Finally, when I was close, I started thrusting insanely fast, not because I was trying to squirt, but because I HAD to or I’d go insane. Suddenly, the need-to-pee sensation was there, only far more intense than I’d ever felt it and I had a split second of “oh SHIT” before it happened.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe that it would be like a flow or a gush, but it wasn’t like that. I came, hard, and, as I did, there was an actual thin jet, like water out of a plastic squirt gun. It startled me so much I may have actually said “whoa!” I don’t really remember, because the second after it happened, this overwhelming sensation of bonelessness washed over me and I just laid there in a complete daze.

I mean, I’ve enjoyed a lot of great orgasms in my short lifetime, but never one that has left me feeling that euphoric and spent, like I’d been hooked up to a morphine drip. I felt weightless, I felt well-fucked, I felt hungry… just really, really starving… and so exhausted, but then too excited to sleep because OH MY GOD, DID I JUST… YES, EVERYTHING IS WETNESS AND GLORY.

Because I am insane and was feeling entirely too much like a superhero, I measured the spot (once I’d regained full functioning of my limbs): 10″ long and 3″ across at the widest point. Probably not enough to soak a Liberator Throe, but certainly enough to soak through the sheets into the mattress. That itself is pretty dumbfounding — how small the spot seems until you start peeling back the layers of your sheets and it has soaked all.the.way.through.what.the.HELL?

I think the reason it ended up being the Mustang instead of the Pure Wand is that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of hefting that delicious steel beast quite yet or, at least, hefting it quickly enough to make myself squirt (apparently I too need to furiously thrust like a mofo to make it happen).

I think this is a great point, and I am in solidarity with you! The first toy I squirted with was a lightweight silicone dildo. For some first time squirters, maybe the stainless steel of the Pure Wand is too advanced, and a softer, more flexible silicone is better.

Also, a 10 x 3″ squirting spot is impressive as fuck, and can we take a moment to coo at that second photo? That Virgin wrote, “they look like an adorably awkward pair of friends on vacation.”

I got this email long before I set up my most recent giveaway (which is still going on, through Friday), but maybe subconsciously my brain put together the combo of a Mustang and a Leaf vibe because it worked out so well for That Virgin Who Can’t Drive? In any case, the Mustang is wonderous.

Get the Mustang in a skin toneneon pink, or tie-dye.

Wanna save some $? Woody/Vibrating Woody ($57-58) is the single-density version of the Mustang.

Apr 192014
 

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (bottom) with Comet G WandBloggers created a wave of hysteria following the release of the Jopen Key Comet G Wand.

“It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina,” Girly Juice raved.

“I was 38 years old and found my G-spot for the first time in my life with the Key Comet and the blended orgasms I can get with it completely blow my mind,” Dizzygirl wrote.

I ranked it as the #1 sex toy I tried in 2013 and explained, “this is simply a toy that comes very, very, disturbingly close to usurping one of the greatest G-spot dildos of all time . . . [it's] one of the best straight-up G-spot dildos I’ve used.” I also routinely get reader emails screaming about their love for it.

Being the bigwigs that they are, Jopen (owned by California Exotics) capitalized on the success and quickly churned out another: the Jopen Key Comet II Wand.  A rechargeable, vibrating version. The only design in the Key line to get a second generation. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Luckily for everyone, the Comet II is simultaneously a worthwhile choice for those who’ve yet to own a Comet Wand but not a necessary purchase for those who already do. And hey, I’ll take the opportunity to rave like a lunatic about this toy all over again. Because every time I use either of them, my G-spot loses its fucking mind right along with me.

Design changes between the Comets were kept to such a minimum that I had to keep editing the word “slightly” out of this paragraph. The two toys are nearly the same dimensions, but the Comet II is about 1/4 inch thinner where the silicone meets the handle. The silicone on the Comet II is greener and silkier, with a tiny bit more squish on the head. Speaking of the head, it’s slightly (oops) more pronounced on the II — there’s a deeper dip under it.

The Comet II has disposal markings1 on the back along with the two charging magnets (it charges via USB cord), but they can hardly be felt with a finger, much less my vagina. It comes with a crinkly black satin bag, but I don’t recommend storing it (or anything else) in there because my Comet II has developed2 some very faint dark staining on the silicone.

Because the new Comet is made with plastic instead of glass, it’s only 6.4 ounces in comparison to the original’s 9.2 — a difference of 2.8 ounces (or the weight of a can of french fried onions). This discrepancy is not as noticeable as you’d think. I like the glass handle on the original, which clinks under my fingernails like a piece of fine glassware, but my nuanced vagina can hardly feel the weight difference.

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (foreground) with Comet G WandFinally, the silver Key emblem on the handle is now a button which revs up the beast. I was concerned this button would be too easy to press, resulting in jarring unwanted vibrations. But thankfully, it must be held for a good second to turn it on, and I never accidentally do that. HOWEVER! I hold it with my left hand. If you do the opposite, it’s possible your thumb might rest against the button.

The vibrations are strong but very buzzy, and there’s only one steady setting followed by six patterns. I feel favorably toward the very fast pulse, the low-then-high steady, and the one that’s trying to send the number 7 in morse code to my G-spot.

I’d never use this as a clitoral vibe; the shape is not made for that. And these vibrations have no subtlety — years ago I would have scoffed at the idea of them stirring pleasure in my G-spot. But I’m liking internal vibration more and more, when I’m in the right mood and have a strong clitoral vibe to pair with it. It adds an extra jolt that makes me sit up straighter, and I even like the strong phantom sensation of needing to pee that the vibrations cause.

But for many it could be overwhelming. What the Comet II needs most are lower steady vibration settings and rumblier vibrations. I’m only letting it get away with vibrations this buzzy and unrelenting because it is amazing even with the vibrations turned off. Sometimes more so.

Which, yeah. Let me reiterate. THE SHAPE IS INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I never want to remove this toy from my vagina. I kept having to go back and forth to test both Comets, yet still I’d procrastinate on removing one from my vag to insert the other. I literally did not want to go a few seconds without one inside of me.

And that extra bit of a dip under the head of the Comet II? It makes the G-spot stimulation even more acute. You are lucky you don’t have to watch me using this toy. I do such harsh things with it, like I’m trying to scoop my G-spot out of myself with all of my might. But it causes some of the most profound, unforgiving G-spot stimulation I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t advise buying the Comet II if you already have the first one, because most of the differences are minor. The vibrations can be an intense addition, but they are not the toy’s forte. The shape is.

If you’re deciding between the two versions, though? The original Comet is $75. The Comet II is $80. Yes, it literally takes that five dollar bill you were saving for a footlong sub to get vibrations. This laughable non-difference in price makes my job here much easier: get the Comet II if you don’t have one already. Just do it. I’m serious. Do it for the sake of your G-spot.

  1. What the fuck else do I call them? The trash can with an X through it and shit. []
  2. I think, although I can’t be 100% sure it wasn’t there when I first opened it… []
Apr 112014
 

A runaway dildo... previously discontinued, discovered under a low shelf!

Back in October, we mourned the discontinuation of some of the loveliest neon dildos from Vixen Creations, including the green Mustang and all neon versions of the Maverick. I thought they were all gone forever. BUT THEN this email from SheVibe happened:

Vixen Creations Mustang in NEON GREEN

Dude, you’ll never guess what I found in the warehouse. A GREEN MUSTANG!! It had rolled underneath a low shelf, we don’t even have them on the site anymore. It must be the last living one — wanna do a giveaway?

If I do nothing else in my life, at least I can be the person who gives away rare dildos in a color that may never happen again in our lifetimes. The Mustang is one of my all-time favorites: its squishy dual-density silicone stimulates my G-spot and vaginal walls with ease, and its size is perfect for all occasions.

Because the dildo’s best friend is the vibrator, the winner will also get a Leaf vibe of their choice. I like the Life, but it’s up to you! This is a winning combination that has been proven to work out swimmingly.

Sex toy giveaway: the runaway dildo (neon green Vixen Mustang dildo + Leaf vibe!)

Isn’t SheVibe’s art the greatest?

As always, you can choose to rack up as many entry points as you’d like depending on which social media channels you’re most willing to share your love of dildos on. The only mandatory entry is subscribing to my RSS feed, either in a reader or via email. I have two new Google+ pages I’m trying to promote, so that entry technique is more heavily weighted. Otherwise, it’s business as usual.

This giveaway is open to entrants in the U.S. and Canada.
Deadline: April 25, 2014 at 11:59 pm PST.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Apr 042014
 

It occurred to me, 30 minutes after my interview with Tristan Taormino for Sex Out Loud Radio aired today (and I was finally able to breathe again), that perhaps I should compile a list of links to all the stuff I mentioned on the show. My brain is not used to talking about stuff without using links for context! Such a millennial.

So first, download the episode or stream it right here, and follow along below with the relevant links. Then, leave me a comment with your thoughts on the show. Any glaring omissions? Want to berate me for not having had anal sex yet (POSER, RIGHT)? Go right ahead!

The toy that got a mean nickname on TwitterRevel Body

The toy that was not made for a “tight vagina,” apparentlySplit Dildo

My favorite vibrator of the moment because it is so simple yet effective: LELO Mona 2

Once upon a time, I didn’t like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but then I changed my mind

My favorite dildos (well, the ones I could think of with half a cup of coffee in me): njoy Pure Wand (stainless steel), NobEssence Seduction, anything made of VixSkin

A company that makes vibrators in the US: Crave

The Y-shaped toy from the company with the stupid “about” page: G-Vibe

New wooden sex toy manufacturer: Dee Lee Doo, old one: NobEssence

Double penetration toys (body safe)Tantus FlexOhMiBod Lovelife AdventureLELO Ina (sort of)

My favorite anal toys: njoy Pure Plugs (stainless steel), NobEssence Romp (wood), Fun Factory Bootie (silicone)

Ann Summers Ultimate G, the vibrator that promises a "Third Level Orgasm"Tristan’s butt plug — I’ll try it ASAP, I promise!

“Third Level Orgasm” toy: Ann Summers Ultimate G

“C-spot” is the worst term.

Tristan movies I loved: Rough Sex, Chemistry. And one I did not like: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Threesomes.

Trans Grrrls scene with the hot lighting.

Quick links to my favorite porn performers on this here blogKimberly Kane (THE BEST LABIA), Sasha Grey, Tori BlackSinn Sage, James Deen, Danny Wylde, Sean MichaelsEvan Stone (I forgot Belladonna and Bobbi Starr!)

and lastly… I do consulting now!

Apr 012014
 

[Edit: Although I do love these companies, this is an April Fool's joke. GOTCHU.]

Being a niche blog, and one dedicated to something that a percentage of inhabitants of earth refuse to even talk about, I’ve spent years growing relationships with companies in the adult industry alone. But a few months back, one of my friends suggested reaching out to more “mainstream” places, like those who make my favorite non-dildo products. The idea sounded just crazy enough that it might work.

Heaps and heaps of emails and wishful thinking later, I’m happy (and surprised) to report that five companies have agreed to sponsor me and the orifices/appendages that are not my genitals. These things can’t give me orgasms, but they will make my life easier, more delicious, and perhaps even more productive.

International Delight

International Delight logo and creamer line-up

I plow through creamer like it’s water, and have ever since I was born I started drinking coffee roughly 13 years ago. My morning begins with coffee doused with creamer — OR ELSE. Finally, a company has agreed to indulge my shameless addiction. International Delight makes my favorite creamer flavor of all time, Caramel Macchiato. I’ve had flings with others, like Coffeemate’s Cinnamon Vanilla Creme, but I distinctly remember the first time I tried I.D. Caramel Macchiato. LIFE CHANGING.

With International Delight’s sponsorship, I’ll be getting a delivery of fresh creamer each week, and I’ll be able to sample all the new and strange flavors without risking my wallet. Which is a relief, because I am petrified of mocha-flavored ones and anything that is meant to mimic cream cheese. (You’d think that’d be obvious, but then Cinnabon happened.)

International Delight Caramel Macchiato singles

As a sweet bonus, they’re also sending me a lifetime supply of these, so I’ll never have to endure plain cream and sugar at a breakfast establishment ever again.

Converse

Converse logo

I’ve been wearing Converse since I was a teenager and discovered this thing called “writing lyrics on the rubber of your shoes to make yourself look deep.” Also, I’m lazy, and if I know my size and can order something online, I will do so. So, even when I’m supposed to be professional, I wear Converse. I have several pairs, including some gorgeous gold sparkle ones I found on eBay. And now… now, they let me design my own Epiphora-themed pair, and they are GLORIOUS:

Epiphora-themed Converse!

The people at Converse have been nice, although a bit aloof and clueless. They sent me several pairs of high-tops despite my expressed distaste for those, as well as a USB drive full of modern music that they dubbed the “Chuck Taylor Brand Emissary Playlist.” I replied that instead of free music, I’d prefer that they cover the medical bill for my future flat foot problems. They were not amused.

Fish Eye Winery

Fish Eye Winery logo

Coming in a close third to coffee and water, wine also keeps me alive. For years I avoided it, sucking up pineapple rum instead — but when I began losing weight, I switched to wine. Usually white. Usually chardonnay, but I’m not picky or discerning. I still don’t love the taste of it (although mixing orange juice into it for a “white trash mimosa” is pretty sweet), but it gets the job done. It is my drink of choice for porn watching get-togethers, Skype dates, meeting new people who may or may not murder me, Sybian-riding partiesyelling at the internet, and making politics bearable.

I like Fish Eye because it’s cheap as shit, readily available within a few blocks of my apartment, and it’s vegan, which is important because although I’m not vegan, some of my best friends are. The only awkward moment was when they asked me how many bottles I would like per month. Um…

Bounty

Bounty logo

Paper towels are the cornerstone of my sex blogging existence. I use them for so many things:

Being a cheapskate, though, I’ve always settled for whatever’s cheap. Sometimes I’ll run out of paper towels and have to resort to setting my toys on printer paper. Truly low points in my career.

Thankfully, Bounty has ensured that I won’t endure these kinds of hardships ever again. They readily understood my plight and sent me so many paper towels I had to clear some space in my garage. “Let us know if you need us to replenish your stock,” they told me. I’m taking this as a challenge.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell logo

I’ll admit, my first choice for a meal sponsor was Panda Express, but they ignored all my emails. That’s okay; Taco Bell and I were destiny. Of all the companies in this post, they were the only ones to contact me first, via a Twitter DM which read: “Hi! Seen yr tweets about us. U definitely think outside the bun!! Wld love 2 sponsor u if ur interested. We can offer free food for u & ur friends. #blessed.” Um, yes. I’ve always been a fan of Taco Bell, as evidenced by my first ever tweet about them:

I was surprised by Taco Bell’s enthusiasm, considering the dig against the Crunchwrap in my Unique Condom round-up, my public mocking of Taco Bell’s atmosphere, and my denigrating of their Cinnamon Twists in my review of a glass dildo shaped like one. But it seems that, unlike many companies, Taco Bell knows how to take a joke. (I did, after all, once say that their food was a better deal than a 99-cent vibrating phone app.)

As per our agreement, I will be provided with a special card I can use freely at any Taco Bell location, not to exceed $300 per month. So everyone: Taco Bell feast at my place! And they are now serving breakfast, so I’ll be covered for all four meals of the day. Seriously can’t wait to scarf the Waffle Taco.

Taco Bell's new Waffle Taco

Maybe someday?

Here are the companies that either denied me or didn’t reply to me. No hard feelings, bro, but maybe you’ll reconsider when you see how influential I can be? If I can make someone throw out all their jelly toys, order a bunch of Sliquid, and have their first G-spot orgasm in just one week, think of what I could do to elevate your brand!

Sidenote: I am still looking for a pajama pant sponsor, but have yet to find a brand that lives up to my expectations of comfort. Contact me if you have any suggestions.

Mr. Coffee logo

Mr. Coffee. I already have a mug warmer for every room of my house, so that was covered, yet they still called my demands “unreasonable” and “excessive.” Apparently a grinder, an espresso machine, a K-Cup machine, a latte machine, a frappe machine, and an iced coffee machine were “overboard.”

Acer logo

Acer. My whole life is divided between two gorgeous Acer monitors. I had begun dreaming of a four-monitor set-up and tried to make the guy at Acer understand my vision, but he shot me down: “we try to distance ourselves from the lascivious activities our products are truly used for.”

uni-ball logo

uni-ball. The Jetstream is my all-time favorite pen, but considering I’m writing this with a computer, they were not interested. “Contact us in the future if you decide to handwrite your blog on papyrus.”

Rockstar Energy logo

Rockstar. Energy drinks are one of the only reasons I get anything done; in fact, you can thank Rockstar and bad music for the design of this site. My talks with Rockstar were moving along nicely, and I even sent them a list of my favorite drinks (Recovery Orange and Pure Zero Mango Orange Passionfruit, NO “COFFEE” STUFF OR I’LL SLIT YOUR THROAT), but when it came time to pay me, they replied, “wait, uh, what, you’re not a dude?” and ceased all correspondence.

CamelBak logo

CamelBak. I use their water bottles religiously because they’re the only ones I’ve found that don’t leak and can withstand being constantly knocked onto the floor by cats. Despite what I considered a gripping testimony of my allegiance to their brand, they denied me because my “lifestyle” is not “healthy” enough for them.

———

With my basic needs for coffee, wine, food, shoes, and paper towels taken care of, I’ll have a lot more time for sitting home masturbating and writing. This can only mean good things for this blog. So thank you, International Delight, Converse, Fish Eye Winery, Bounty, and Taco Bell! Y’all rock.

Peeps: when you’re as famous as me, who will you get to sponsor your life?

Mar 282014
 

May 17th, 2013

The boyfriend went to the convenience store for beer, and Survivor was downloading at a snails’ pace, so I whipped out my Mona 2 and had the quickest orgasm before he returned. Incredibly, the toy died literal seconds after my orgasm wore off. Fate?

Summer 2013

Can I just take a moment to tell you about porn I’ve seen recently that was glorious and/or weird? Because holy shit, Belladonna Sexual Explorer. I’ve realized that I always love watching Sinn Sage. She was great in Strapped Dykes, she was great in No Warning 7, she was great in Sinn Sage Loves Girls, she’s great in this, and every time I see her, she is a beast.

Belladonna just watching in awe as Sinn Sage plows Sarah Shevon

Of course, I made the mistake of clicking on her Amazon wishlist only to be assaulted by a four-pack of 18″ purple jelly dongs. A FOUR-PACK. OF PURPLE JELLY DONGS. (Thankfully, it’s gone now and replaced with healthy cookbooks and face scrubbers.)

Also, because Belladonna is a boss, Dark Meat 5 with Dana DeArmond and Nat Turnher. Goddamn, this lighting just slaaaays me.

Dana DeArmond and Nat Turnher in Dark Meat 5

Moral of the story: stick with Belladonna and you’ll be fine. Sometimes you might be tempted to watch something else, maybe Kayden Exposed for instance, at which point you’ll be greeted with Evan Stone rubbing a strawberry all over Tori Black’s vulva, and some camera guy in the “Behind the Scenes” petting a cat…

Tori Black and Evan Stone... and a strawberry... in Kayden Exposed

Dude shamelessly petting a cat in the Behind the Scenes of Kayden Exposed

…but then there’s Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers 3. With Katie St. Ives standing on James Deen. LITERALLY. And it’s hard to argue that one should watch anything made by not Belladonna. (Except that one movie…)

Belladonna's Foot Soldiers 3: Katie St. Ives standing on James Deen

Sometime in this mess, I dug out some old toys to see how I felt about them present day. My verdicts:

  • I was flabbergasted to find my Fun Factory Delight still had a charge from god-knows-when. This toy definitely hits my G-spot now (unlike when I first got it in 2008), but it’s too buzzy and it prods my clit in a way that I do not like.
  • The Tantus Flurry is good but not exciting. Maybe not worth the calories, much like a McFlurry.
  • The Vixen Champlette is fine but I like my heads bigger.1 Would work well for pegging I bet.
  • I came with the Getaway Wild in me, but that means nothing. G-spot stimulation is a dime a dozen and that handle sucks.

October 1st, 2013

After 6 days orgasmless at Catalyst, I returned home and indulged in a long, deliciously tortuous jack-off session in bed (for once). The porn of choice was Trans Grrrls, particularly this scene which just killed me with hotness:

Hayley Fingersmith and Jacques LeFemme in Trans Grrrls

I used my new, updated Crave Duet and totally built it up like I normally don’t. Ahhhhh.

November 27th, 2013

It was the night before Thanksgiving and I had to get to sleep, so I dragged my Mystic Wand into bed and laid on my stomach lazily humping it. A strange and different sensation — it reminded me of dry humping when I was 14 — followed by an odd but wonderful orgasm.

December 22nd, 2013

Much testing of the We-Vibe Tango needed to occur, so I corralled all the components needed. I charged it. I cornstarched the Tantus Little Secrets. I dug out the Echo. I queued up Squatter.

Orgasm number one came quickly — rocking the Echo against my G-spot with the Tango on my clit. Then I tried the Tango with the Little Secret sleeves, which was pretty rad. My boyfriend walked into the room and, dildo still hanging out of my vagina, I started talking to him. “Nice meat curtain,” he said. This is the point we have reached in our relationship.

Vibratex Mystic Wand, We-Vibe Tango, Tantus Little Secret sleeves, We-Vibe Touch, LELO Mona 2, Tantus Echo, Tantus Cush

More toys were used and more notes were taken on a paper towel, until the Tango started petering out and then died. I took this photo to brag about the glorious color variety in my sex toy collection. And to brag about my vag gunk.

December 27th, 2013

For one magical night, I was Howard Stern. Yeah, bitch, I broke in my Sybian properly, turning the dial while each of my friends rode — and yelled things like “I haaaaaaaate it.”

January 17th, 2014

SHOUT OUT TO THE DIVA CUP, which is so comfortable I almost forgot to take it out before masturbating. I can’t believe it took me 27 goddamn years to get one.

My tools of the night were the Comet II, Ceramix No. 4, and Whipspider Ghost (acquired in a tizzy while the company went out of business). My porn choice was Hairy Movie, because it was on my hard drive and I happened to mouse over it.

Just as I was yanking on my G-spot with the Comet II, I got an instant message from Elena that made me feel like a boss.

When all was said and done, I was disappointed that there were only a few globs of blood in the Ghost’s eye sockets. (There’s a reason I don’t write erotica, folks.)

February 21st, 2014

Insane spread of sex toysI’ve been known to lay out an optimistic number of sex toys before I jack off, but this spread represented a whole new level of delusion. So much delusion that I named it delusion.jpg.

The reason: I was leaving for a blogger retreat the following day, and I needed to solidify my thoughts about some toys so I could work on their reviews.

I won’t bore you with the details of my toy combinations or my level of satisfaction with my orgasms, I will just say that only in my life do I have four orgasms and still not feel as though I have done my duty. The Stronics, Comets, and G-Spoon remained untainted.

February 22-25, 2014

During the #dildoholiday, I did not masturbate per se. But at various points in the trip I:

  • Danced with OVO balls in, not really feeling them
  • Played around with OhMiBod BlueMotion
  • Watched Lorax massage their temples with the Mona and get endless comfort from the movements of the Stronic Zwei
  • Put the LELO Ora against my forehead and felt it click. “Did I just break my skull?”
  • Shoved my hand down my pants to insert the LELO Hula Beads, then forced my friends to wander around with the corresponding remote

What kind of friends are they, really, if you can’t push vag balls inside of yourself while having a conversation with them?

  1. Except when it comes to real people. Head with brains in them. You know what I mean. []
Mar 112014
 

It’s no secret that SheVibe is my favorite online sex shop. Launched in 2006, they are perhaps best known for their gorgeous, ever-changing comic-inspired art — but there’s even more awesomeness beneath the surface. Aside from the obviously good stuff like cheap US shipping, discreet billing, and award nominations, SheVibe goes above and beyond to provide a superior sex toy shopping experience.

Here are five reasons why I love SheVibe that, notably, have nothing to do with the fact that they are sponsoring me at CatalystCon, made me into a superhero, created a landing page of my favorite toys, and like to call me “Piphy Pants.” I also asked them for the inside scoop on their day-to-day operations — and got some juicy stories along the way.

1. The selection.

SheVibe's selection rules, just like this comic for fantasy dildos

This should always come first, and at SheVibe, it really does. I am constantly amazed by their knack for stocking both big manufacturers as well as smaller, indie brands that other shops barely touch (VampHappy Valley, New York Toy Collective, BS AtelierFucking Sculptures) — with more being added all the time.

Unlike some other shops, they don’t cherry-pick which toys to carry from companies like Vixen, NobEssence, Leaf, LELO, Tenga, JopenTantus, and Liberator. And when it comes to the big manufacturers, they carry the stuff that doesn’t suck horribly, like inexpensive silicone toys in Doc Johnson’s Platinum line and Pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy Elite line. Often I’ll be editing an old review, trying to find a shop to link to, and SheVibe will be the only reputable place that still carries the toy.

Plus, they have a really impressive selection of double-ended dildos, wands and attachmentsgaffs and breast formsglass dildos that range from cheap to expensivetoy storage, EVERY attachment and kit for the Eroscillatorpackers, and lube. And if something’s being discontinued, SheVibe is likely to have at least a few kicking around that can be snatched up.

The peeps at SheVibe are also highly suggestible — it is not uncommon for me to prod them to add a certain product, and they will do it without question. Maybe I’m just intimidating, but that is rad.

THOR: I think our biggest takeaway is to always remain open-minded. Many times products that we can’t imagine anyone buying end up selling like mad. Some people want a low cost vibe — even if it only holds up for one crazy weekend. We try to provide a selection that spans the experience levels as well as the adventurous nature of our clients.

SANDRA: We’ve worked really hard on this, realizing a long time ago that since sex toys are not a “one size fits all” item. We try to avoid repetitive products especially with the larger manufacturers. Our real joy comes from supporting the smaller, artisan vendors. It doesn’t always work out, but it’s so rewarding to give someone a shot and see their work & products catch on. We warehouse about 85% of our selection, sourcing the bulk items from a couple of trusted distributors who take really good care of us.

2. The prices customer service.

SheVibe's customer service is top-notch

SheVibe’s prices are very good, and that is what initially drew me to their site years ago. I found out why when Sandra explained the history of the company. Now, SheVibe’s prices may not be jaw-dropping — but they are fair. Fair to the companies that make the toys, and fair to customers. What really sets them apart now is their dedication to incredible customer service.

SANDRA: This was a really hard business to break into and initially we were very focused on low, low prices. Back in the day when Google Shopping was friendly to adult businesses, it was an all-out war. We would set a price and then a “cookie cutter” site would undercut our price — the back and forth became insane.

Initially when the Google Shopping feature went away, we panicked a little, but then we realized that what we were doing had its own merit and value. We have a great, unique site, fantastic customer service and we do everything with the utmost integrity in mind — there was no need to “compete” with other sites. We have a pricing formula we use for the mass produced items and we adhere to MAP when the manufacturer requires it. If there are no pricing requirements, we set a fair price and that’s that.

Thankfully, a lot of the cookie cutters have disappeared and many manufacturers have regained control over their pricing so the playing field has become much more level.

THOR: I think things really caught fire for us when we stopped looking at what other online retailers were doing and just decided to pay attention to the needs of our customers. We set fair prices and then go above and beyond to make sure people get what they’ve paid for and what they’ve come to expect from SheVibe.

We answer customer inquiries every waking hour — literally. We’ve been known to handle customer inquiries on Christmas Day. What people want more than anything is to be taken care of and to be listened to. A great shopping experience, products that the retailer stands behind, relevant and accurate information and fast, reliable, inexpensive shipping. Cost is always a factor, but clients are willing to spend money that gives them incredible return on investment.

3. The sales.

SheVibe always has sales and deals

GURL, SheVibe’s sales are so good I’ve broken my own rule about not spamming people and written posts about them! They often have month-long sales as well as “flash sales” during the weekends, where you can get 10-30% off certain brands and products.

SANDRA: This is a relatively new thing for us — just in the past few years. When all of our prices were low we couldn’t afford to offer sales. Believe it or not, this didn’t play as well with the customer. Consumers are suspicious of super low pricing (as they should be). It’s never good to undervalue a product — and sometimes that product is your business. You have to build the cost of daily operations into your pricing otherwise it becomes much more difficult to do the right thing by the customer when something goes wrong.

When considering what products to put on sale, we try to mix it up a bit. We include sought after items that are usually offered at a higher price point (as long as there is no MAP requirement), as well as passing along whatever savings our distributors may be offering that month.

4. The people behind the scenes.

Alex, Thor, Sandra, and Keith of SheVibe

SheVibe is run by Alex (artist), Thor (webmaster), Sandra (day-to-day operations and written content), and Keith (page design). I met them all at my first ever Catalyst, where Sandra bought me a cranberry vodka, completely unprompted, during the opening keynote. As if I needed more reasons to love her.

You can find the crew on social media — TwitterTumblrInstagram, Facebook — where they are always posting fun and silly things. They work together like a well-oiled machine — and had a lot of nice things to say about each other! This is the highly truncated version…

SANDRA: This is my favorite thing to talk about; US! Ha-ha. Thor and I conceived the business around 2004. We knew we wanted to appeal to female energies and our first concept was along the lines of a goddess theme. One day while we were working on our logo, it hit us: superheroes! The whole genre had really begun to take hold in Hollywood and we felt the world could use some intelligent, powerful, sexually self-possessed females. That was it, we just knew it.

Literally within a week, Alex and Keith were dropped into our laps by the Universe and the four of us immediately jelled. It’s been an amazing working relationship ever since.

ALEX: A friend of ours who worked for Thor in his prior business said he was looking for an artist and a graphic designer. Keith and I looked at each other and said, “Hey that’s us!” We met with Thor and Sandy and hit it off right from the get go.

SANDRA: Alex is an amazing artist, I feel so privileged to witness the entire process, to be able to describe something to him and see him make it come to life. Keith is not only an extremely talented graphic designer with an insane knowledge of every font & effect you can imagine, he is also freakin’ hilarious and can pretty much accurately imitate anyone within seconds of meeting them. Thor is an incredible code writer, it’s a language he inherently understands. He is completely self-taught which impresses the hell out of me.

THOR: Full disclosure: Sandra is my wife, so I’ve got some bias — but this woman is a whirlwind. She’s a wordsmith and has given SheVibe its virtual voice from day one. She’s also the operational juggernaut at our warehouse in upstate New York, establishing protocol and procedures to organize all levels of our business. More important than this, she’s our number one people person. Plus she’s really hot and curvy — so there’s that too.

KEITH: Like the classic 80′s cartoon Voltron, each of us come together to form the killer robot we call “SheVibe”. Sandra forms the head! Besides being the voice of SheVibe, Sandra takes on everything from customer service to purchasing — and every space in between. Alex & Keith form the arms! Alex’s talent explodes on every page, filling them with sexy imagery and hilarious comics that span every product category. I bring it all together with vast technical knowledge and graphic prowess to create a beautiful website. Thor forms the legs! The foundation that we all stand on that allows us to blossom into the bad ass website we are.

5. The art.

Drawing on a box I received from SheVibe

There’s no denying you’re shopping at SheVibe — everywhere you turn, there is eye-popping art. It’s kind of like finding easter eggs all over the site — I discovered the glorious anal health comic while writing this. Artist Alex is basically a prodigy; sometimes you get a box in the mail and he has drawn all over it, like it’s no big thang.

ALEX: It’s a collaborative thing that we do when it comes to the art. When we go into our process of creating concepts, it’s really a sight to be seen. The creative juices flow when we’re all sitting around brainstorming ideas until all four of us yell “That’s the one!” Then it’s off to the drawing table I go, hoping that I can get the idea fleshed out on paper.

SANDRA: I kind of feel like we’re always baking some crazy cake; we all throw in different ingredients and mix it up, Alex bakes it and Keith frosts it — the recipe is different every time, but every time it is delicious.

THOR: Alex is one of the hardest working guys I know — he’ll sketch and conceptualize all day and hammer out image sets all night without flinching. Keith is a creative whiz kid with Photoshop and all things Mac. SheVibe covers are great when they land on his desk, but Keith adds the awesome to what you’ll eventually see throughout our site and on each month’s home page.

And finally, for shits and giggles…

Butt plug rock wall climbing.

I asked the SheVibe crew if they had any funny stories to share. Often this kind of question gets a bland, non-committal answer, but damn, not this time!

ALEX: Oh dear lord! One adventure I remember early on in our partnership was when we all went on a St. Paddy’s Day pub crawl and wound up at some crusty Legion Hall. We grabbed a table to chill out for a bit and we started to BS about business. Well, next to us were a group of senior citizens and they couldn’t help but eavesdrop. They started to chime in with their opinions and questions and observations about porn. Pre-World War II seniors postulating about the nature of lesbian sex — some of the stuff they said was just crazy! We can’t repeat it here — but it gave us material to laugh about for weeks.

KEITH: Holy crap, where do I begin? We rented a warehouse in the beginning that had no postal service. Seriously — no drop off, no pick up. The crazy thing is that we could see the stupid post office from our back door. Each day involved us running bins and bins of packages to a post office which was miles away ‘cuz the one across the parking lot was too small… even for a drop off! A question we will ask every landlord until the end of time: “Um, does the post office know you’re here?”

We also had a break-in at this same warehouse which was super crazy. We were located right behind a Sprint store which was the actual target. This cat burglar broke into the vacant space next door and cut a hole in the wall, but where he entered was actually the SheVibe warehouse and he had to burrow past hundreds of Vixen dildos to gain entry. Can you imagine? He went up the wall making 3 more holes until he finally got into the Sprint space, but not before he went through all of our inventory. I guess dildos don’t have much street value.

THOR: Pretty much every day at the office is a crazy amalgam of sexual imagery and silliness. We’re all Seinfeld fans and constantly work our favorite scenes and characters into our already comical occupations. Picture George Costanza measuring dildos for spec accuracy or Kramer discussing lubricant viscosity. If we had our way, we’d answer the phones in character but that probably wouldn’t play too well.

All you have to do is follow us on Facebook or Twitter to get a feel for some of the things that go on in our offices — see the infamous Dildo Dynasty pic or check out philosophical discussions regarding charbroiled flavor lube with temporary tattoo grill marks to get a feel for the hilarity.

———

Now it’s your turn, peeps: what do you like best about SheVibe? What’s your shopping experience been like with them?

Itching to order something RIGHT NOW? Check out my landing page for all the things I recommend — and this really is almost everything on earth that I recommend, because their selection is so ace.