Jun 192014

This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable.

Teddy Love vibrating teddy bear... kill me now

A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This is condescending, infantilizing, and damaging. This is not how we get over the stigma around sex toys. This product is WHY THERE IS A STIGMA AROUND SEX TOYS.

Completely overlooking logistical issues such as how the fuck do you clean vag juice off it (the muzzle is made of thermoplastic elastomer, which is porous, and the body is covered in FUR), I am deeply offended that these people are expecting me, as a woman, to coo over this. It’s “inspired by every girl’s first fuzzy love,” because all women are the same, right, Todd? We’re all perpetual children… who now want to stick pointy bear tongues inside ourselves.

Marketed differently, this toy would not warrant any rage from me. Plushies, ageplayers, and other kinksters could love this, but the inventors blatantly ignore those markets. I bet they’d be astounded at the existence of those markets. Why cater to a niche when you can use the classic angle that always works: shame. The campaign (because of course they’re trying to crowdfund it) reads, in part:

Teddy Love is a paradigm shifter in the adult toy industry . . . Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store. There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase . . . Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations.

Yes, stop buying those BULKY, ostentatious sex toys and get yourself an enormous stuffed bear instead!

Like, good luck getting people to crowdfund a vibrator when your target market is deathly afraid of vibrators.

Since there are no captions and your time is worth more, here’s a summation of the best parts:

  • “Have you ever seen someone walking through an airport, in a restaurant, or though a place of business with a large adult toy visibly protruding from a handbag or briefcase? Well, our novel and discreet product Teddy Love can be placed anywhere, inconspicuously, without fear or embarrassment.” Or you could just tuck your sex toy into a pouch or bag? No? Your schlong must be hanging out all over the place?
  • “The nose touches the clitoris and the tongue goes into the vagina. The controls are in Teddy’s ears, making him the ultimate listener.” Oh fuck RIGHT off. I don’t need a listener. I want to fuck my own brains out.
  • “Our manufacturer in Hong Kong is Disney certified.” I… I don’t know what this means, and I’m not sure I want to know. Nor do I think Disney wants to know.
  • “Our vision is to have Teddy Love placed in every sexually active adult bedroom in America.”
  • “Join us in this exciting opportunity to liberate women’s sexual expression and freedom.”

This product truly makes every other “discreet” (i.e. “let’s make it look like a household object that women love because all women are the same, right, Todd?) sex toy seem ergonomic as fuck. Teddy Love just can’t compete with vibrating sponges, cell phones, lipstick, cupcakes, mascara, duckscandy barsmake-up brushescompacts, pens, and lint rollers.

And oh my god, this company must have spent thousands on stock images of generic ladies over which they lay slogans such as “A Night Alone? No. A Night With Teddy.” “Guilty Pleasure? Teddy Won’t Tell.” “Hop. Skip. Jump for Joy. Teddy Love. Your New Toy.” And the most confounding: “Beach Bum. Beach Bear.” (Did they have a sale on girl-on-the-beach images?)

They also appear to have bought their Twitter followers — look at all those unhatched eggs.

The fundraising goal is $50,000 (two idiots have pledged so far) and perks include tank tops, tote bags, an ominous “Toys for Better Sex DVD” that I kind of really want to see1, and a $450 Party Pack for “bachelorette parties, wedding parties, or that special girls night out.”



The bear is suspected to retail at $79.95.

Fuck you.

  1. Will it acknowledge that other sex toys exist? How will it advise me to use them? []
Jun 172014

BS Atelier Wild Stripes silicone dildo (large)Finally, a manufacturer is going balls-to-the-wall with their silicone sex toy designs — and I love how flamboyant and playful they are. Spanish company BS Atelier makes a dildo for everyone: one for vegans and/or those who miss Gateway computer boxes, one for horror fans, another for people who like to splatter paint, and even one for that dude who keeps his socks on during sex.

I chose none of those dildos. I chose the uncategorizable Wild Stripes, which is striped diagonally with black, white, orange, pink, purple, red, and grey. I chose it solely based on how attractive it was. Shape was, honestly, secondary in my mind.

Yet, as much as I prefer things that go in my vagina to be aesthetically pleasing — that’s kinda the door (labia?) policy — it isn’t enough here.

The Wild Stripes dildo comes in a heavy duty plastic bag reminiscent of astronaut ice cream or croutons, complete with tear-off, resealable top. Inside is a tiny folded up manual and a packet of Yes water-based lube. The instrucciones read, in part:

For a greater satisfaction them should be used with watery-based lubricants . . . Silicone is a very resistant material, if kept them in a place without dust and far from objects that could scratch them, the BS dildoes and pluggeds will last many years.

The pluggeds! They can last many years!

Actually, the manual is pretty useful. It even recommends using a condom if going from anal to vaginal penetration — “it is not sufficient to wash them,” it states. Accurate.

But, as adorable as this dildo and its manual are, I feel uncomfortable with the $90 price tag attached. The Wild Stripes just doesn’t deliver in the sensation department, and I’m somewhat wary about its construction.

It seems silly to quibble about the finish on a dildo, but… it looks… scuffed? Like a gym floor? And it has several nicks in the silicone that I didn’t put there. This dildo is not glossy like a Tantus toy. It’s not silky like a Fun Factory toy. It’s not flawless like a LELO toy. The silicone is draggy, and the finish is imperfect. I get the sense that, as a new company, BS still needs to refine the art of dildo-making.

This would be easier to overlook if I liked the way the dildo feels in use, but I don’t. It attempts to go for the flat tip G-spotting shape that I love in the LELO Ella and PicoBong Moka, but it’s a half-assed attempt. The edges are too rounded to do much of anything wondrous for me. It kind of feels like a shapeless blob, especially in comparison to other toys. And the silicone drags at my vaginal opening, requiring more and more lube as I go.

Around the same time that I got the Wild Stripes, I acquired the similarly-shaped Pleasure Works Siren, and it was impossible not to compare the two — and crown the Siren the winner. The Siren is shiny and its shape has more definition, so it glides well and hits my G-spot more readily. It also costs $40 less than the Wild Stripes; it’s just not particularly pretty.

I’d venture to guess most people don’t have $90 to burn on a dildo that looks great on a shelf but only halfway succeeds in its function as a sex toy. The small BS toys aren’t as expensive, though, and for folks who prefer lighter and gentler G-spot stimulation, they can be great. Lorax also likes the Alex style, so not all hope is lost.

But the Wild Stripes is just too imprecise to do anything worthwhile for my vagina. If you want a silicone dildo that feels really awesome and that you can show off to your partner’s parents when they come over for dinner, get a tie-dye Mustang, the Tantus Splash, the Jollies Jollet, or a tri-colored space toy. They’ll be impressed with your quality taste in dildos, and you’ll get immense rather than mediocre pleasure. Win/win.

Thank you, SheVibe!

Jun 042014

Fun Factory Stronic Zwei pulsator anal sex toy, sunbathingNo matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker.

Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious.

The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. At $200 a pop, I was dubious, but the Shake Weight-like movement jostled my G-spot perfectly and I fell in love. I was primed and ready to welcome the newest Stronic shapes, the Zwei and Drei, into my vagina.

But even after thousands of orgasms, I still like the original Eins more than the sequels. It’s the simplest — before all the unnecessary plot twists.

The Zwei and Drei have all the same features as the Eins: they’re rechargeable (and last an insanely long time on a charge), made of 100% silicone, completely waterproof, lockable for travel, and equipped with ten thrusting settings that range from jerky and erratic to fluid and consistent.

The Zwei, or Butt Stronic, is primarily designed for anal use (advanced, it’s 1.85″ in diameter at its widest), but my world is all vagina all the time, so that is how I use it. And damn, its girthy, curved head is amazing thumping against my G-spot… until I try to conquer that middle hump.

Stay with me: when I was in high school, the only cool place to hang out with your friends after 8 p.m. was a 24-hour diner that served huge-ass cinnamon rolls. If someone was able to consume the last big corner of their cinnamon roll, we’d call it “conquering the hump.” It was an achievement, except for the part where you’d go from feeling great to feeling sick.

That’s what the middle hump on the Zwei is like. I can insert it — and I must, because being unable to makes me feel like a rookie — but I really have to shove it in, and it takes the toy from feeling awesome to feeling wrong. The way the bulge rests at my vaginal entrance is not pleasant, especially if my muscles clench around it. Plus, the flared base blocks access to my clit.

Which, forgive me. I need to have a moment here. No matter how you use it, THIS TOY DOES NOT AND WILL NOT STIMULATE THE CLITORIS. Get it out of your head right this instant. This is not a rabbit and it does not vibrate. If anyone on earth can get off from the subtle nudging movements of this toy on their clit, I will be floored. I think it’s about as likely as Apophis crashing into earth…

Okay, hold up. I am being informed, as I write this at a coffee shop with my freak of a friend JoEllen, that she can get off with hers by holding it parallel to her body against her clit and letting it rub back and forth. She is acting it out with her hands, and the bougie moms nearby are none the wiser. I still stand by (most of) my tantrum, though. Clitoral stimulation could be a bonus for a few people, but should not be why you buy a Stronic.

So to avoid my clit being blocked and my vaginal entrance from feeling awry, I end up using only 2.5 inches of the Zwei. Just that first curve — which I will admit is quite glorious. I’ve likely never been so stimulated by 2.5 inches. But… the Eins offers more inches and a shape that glides more easily.1

Fun Factory Stronic Drei pulsator sex toy, chillingWhich is why the Stronic Drei is also a let-down. The stage was set and the stars were aligned for me to love it: it’s textured, it thrusts, it’s MY COLOR. But the ridges dull the movement, making it my least favorite of the three Stronics released to date.

Whereas the Stronic Eins can work its way out of me on even the mildest of settings, the Drei locks right into my vagina. I often don’t have to brace it against anything to get it to stay in place. This sounds like a benefit, and for some people it very well might be — but it means less thrust and not much sensation beyond whichever ridge happens to be just inside my vag. I may or may not have used a mole on my arm as an indicator of how fast the toy was moving… and it wasn’t very fast. It didn’t even budge during a fairly strong orgasm.

No matter how pretty or how turquoise it may be, there’s no point in buying a $200 thrusting toy when the thrusting is convoluted. If it’s the shape that appeals to you, there are many cheaper things.

Maybe my vagina is just a venus flytrap, I thought. So I loaned my Drei to a friend (more like she stole it off my kitchen counter as she was leaving my apartment one day) and she confirmed my experience. She also owns and loves the Eins, but felt that the Drei latched onto her pubic bone too. “When I tried to pull it out, I realized it was stuck,” she said as we walked to Taco Bell. “and I thought, if she wants this back she will have to pry it out of my COLD DEAD VAGINA.”

I did get my Drei back, but I didn’t miss it while it was gone. My Zwei actually belongs to another friend (yes, I’m aware I now sound like the bodily-fluid-swapping monster the world thinks I am), and once I give it back I will miss its girthy G-spot goodness… but I’ll survive. I am content with the original, the Eins. It’s long enough; it’s smooth; it doesn’t thwart access to my clit; it’s one of the greatest sex toy inventions in recent history. With the Eins, you get the most thrust for your buck — and at $200, every thrust counts.

Get the Fun Factory Stronic of your choice at SheVibe, Good Vibes, Babeland,
Lovehoney (international), or Come As You Are (Canada).

  1. Well, once you’ve applied the requisite 500 squirts of lube that Fun Factorys notoriously matte silicone requires. []
May 282014

Tenga Iroha vibrator line: Sakura (pink), Midori (green), Yuki (white)If you like pushing around the skin on a wrinkly dog, you will love touching the Tenga Iroha vibrators. They feel spongy, like marshmallows, with enough give on the outer layer that you can push it around like dog skin. They’re really addicting to touch, but that criteria would only matter if I were reviewing a set of stress balls.

These are sex toys, and as sex toys, they perform adequately. I’d give them a passing grade, maybe a C+ or B-. But I’d also give them some stern suggestions for improvement and hope that they try harder next time.

The Iroha line is Tenga’s first attempt at making vibrators; they’ve always only made toys for penises. These vibes are unique because the outer layer is silicone, but the inside is polyurethane elastomer, which gives them their plush, mochi-like feel that truly is unlike anything I’ve felt before. Yuki is the white one that resembles a snowman; Midori is green and pear-shaped; and Sakura is pink, with pointy pincers reminiscent of the Form 2.

These vibrators charge like perfect specimen under a clear plastic cover, via USB or the included wall adapter. This isn’t discreet in the least, and would be a nuisance to travel with, but it’s drop-dead simple and looks sophisticated as fuck. It also keeps fuzzies and debris away from the toys while they charge.

Which reminds me: the Iroha toys claim to be “lint-free.” One time, my cat waltzed across my desk and sat on one, and I can report, there was not much to show for it. I even petted him with Midori (which he loved) and there was approximately a single hair to pick off. So my highly scientific cat tests point to yes, they are “lint-free.”

Tenga Iroha Sakura vibrator, brokenI was feeling positively toward these toys overall, until one night when I was Skyping with a friend and whipped them out to show her. Somehow — and I really don’t know how, although I guess it happened when I was pushing the skin around like I do with wrinkly dogs? — the control panel popped off the Sakura, exposing all the innards and wires.

If these toys can be disassembled by a drunk girl fumbling around on Skype, I feel like that’s a bad sign. I contacted Tenga and at first they explained that it was a known defect with Sakuras only. But then it happened to my Midori. And Yuki. Finally I was told it was an issue with weak claw joints that connect the control pad to the main body, which have now been strengthened in the entire line.

I sent my Irohas back and received all new ones. I haven’t experienced the issue with my new Irohas, although I can still push the skin away from the control pad. These toys do have a year warranty, and I trust that Tenga would replace any faulty units. Still, it gives me pause. Does Tenga know what they’re doing? Are these toys ready for prime time?

I’m not entirely convinced, because the Irohas are splashproof only,1 and they have a paltry three vibration strengths — and one pattern. Most rechargeable clit vibes2 are waterproof and offer more settings. For $99, the Irohas should be more adjustable.

The vibrations in the Irohas are neither particularly buzzy nor particularly rumbly. Speed setting #1 works for a couple minutes, until I’m like, “okay, next.” Speed setting #2 is decent, and the third and final speed is enough to bring me to orgasm no problem, but… do I always want to be going to the last setting to have an orgasm? I often have more than one orgasm per session, needing slightly more power as I go, and these don’t provide that flexibility.

The single pattern is a generic pulse. Fuck that shit.

The Irohas do feel unique and cushy in use; the word that keeps coming to mind is “pleasant.” I don’t use a ton of pressure with my toys, so I can’t make a pronouncement on whether they’re good for folks who do. It could be a fruitless and frustrating exercise, or, as one reviewer happily reports, it could “prevent a case of Bruised Clit the next morning.”

A friend suggested I use an Iroha during sex, as perhaps it wouldn’t be as pokey as other things. I guess it wasn’t as easily jostled into my vulva, but then, I only engage in sex positions with low risk of that happening. As I made my way up to the third setting, it became apparent: don’t send an Iroha to do a Mona’s job. A few more strength settings would’ve brought me to orgasm much more quickly.

Shape-wise and otherwise, I like Yuki most. Somehow, it feels a bit stronger than the other two at its highest vibration strength. The flickering, pinpoint sensation of Sakura is also nice. Midori is my least favorite because it is the most rigid at the tip, although I like how its rotund body stimulates my labia. Overall, Yuki offers the tangible squish of the dual-density materials with the consistency in shape that I need. Just not, always, the strength I need.

I think the ideal person for one of these vibes is someone who really really REALLY wants a body-safe, rechargeable clitoral vibrator that is soft and squishy, but does not need that vibrator to be waterproof or turbo-powered. Otherwise, you’re better off with the We-Vibe Touch or LELO Mona 2, which are stronger, rumblier, and considerably more rigid.

As for me, I still feel favorably toward the Irohas. They feel nice, and I can see myself pulling out the Yuki if I’m in a leisurely mood… but I feel burdened by the missed opportunities. Tenga has something good going here, but they squandered it with the lack of vibration options, non-submersible design, and questionable construction. I hope a second generation is in the cards.

Get the Iroha vibes at SheVibeGoodVibesBabeland, Early to Bed, or Lovehoney (international).

  1. They can be run under a tap for cleaning, though, according to Tenga, but they cannot be submerged. []
  2. See the LELO Alia and MiaJe Joue MiMi, Jimmyjane Form 2, 3, and 4, We-Vibe Touch and Tango, Crave Duet and Solo, and Minna Limon. []
May 172014

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildoI promptly asked for the biggest size available, because of course I did. That was my mistake.

The dildo comes, of course, in other sizes manageable to the average vagina, but mine is not the average vagina. I use my vaginal distinction as justification for choosing THE HUGEST OF THE HUGE at all times. Sometimes to my glory, sometimes to my detriment.

The detriment is not, as you might assume, because it is too large to insert. Oh, that’s a breeze — 1.75″ in diameter of solid glass? No big deal. The detriment is that the G-Spoon is too damn heavy. My vagina feels weighed down, giving me the sneaking suspicion that the dildo is trying to dump my body at the bottom of the ocean, à la Dexter.

I should’ve known better, but I didn’t.

The Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon is made of soda lime glass, which is heavier than the borosilicate used for most mass-produced glass dildos. Soda lime isn’t bothersome on smaller pieces, like the Candy-Colored Glass Dildo, but with the large version of the G-Spoon, the sensation that overrides all others is one of weight. And I… can’t get past it.

Undoubtedly, this is one of the most gorgeous toys I own. It looks like one of those vintage distressed tables you’d see on Pinterest. It has crevasses down its length that collect vag juice like a mofo — and require toothbrush clean-up. If you are highly motivated you could probably turn this dildo into a luge for squirt. (Porn producers, take note.)

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildoWith my particular G-Spoon, the large side is the only usable one because the smaller side is too blunt. Maybe I’m being neurotic, but for $150 I can only insert like 4 1/2 inches out of a foot, which feels like a waste. Or maybe it only does because the stimulation is not awesome.

See, I wanted the G-Spoon to be like a glass version of the NobEssence Seduction. The idea seemed reasonable… at one point. But with this kind of weight, any G-spot stimulation is drowned out. And that bulge on the underside? My vagina does not agree with it.

I kept giving the G-Spoon the benefit of the doubt. Multiple benefits of the doubt, many more than I usually give, because who DOESN’T love Fucking Sculptures? I kept thinking maybe my vagina’s being ornery today. But no, the shape just does not feel good to me.

I like some weight in my butt. I know that. But in my vag, I guess not. Not this much of it. And not in this shape.

No disrespect to Fucking Sculptures. They’re wonderful, sweet, and have their heads on straight. Any company that just outright names themselves Fucking Sculptures, giving the finger to every coy sex toy company ever, can’t be bad. Any company that makes all of their toys by hand, in a non-porous and gorgeous material, can’t be bad.

But I’ve learned a valuable lesson here: I will never be done learning from my vagina. It will continue to surprise me with both what it can handle, what it can’t handle, and all the nuances it can discern. I may never be able to just look at something and know, with certainty, whether I will like it. A depressing thought indeed.

Each Fucking Sculptures piece is handmade, so they differ from dildo to dildo. SheVibe knows the importance of specifics, so if you order from them, you will get the exact toy pictured in the listing. Factor weight into your decision the way I didn’t, and you should be fine. Really, I bet the small and medium versions of this toy are great.

The G-Spoon is $110-$150 at SheVibe.
Get 10% off any Fucking Sculpture that’s not on sale with code PIPH10.

May 122014

LELO Mona 2 in all three colors (red, purple, pink AKA cerise)I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So much that I rush to comfort it when it falls off my nightstand.

“Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about that vibrator. The Mona is the only sex toy I take on trips. I force shops to add it to their inventory. I subtly push people toward it in my job on the floor of a sex toy boutique (my current record is within 20 minutes of opening). One time I named a stray cat after it.

Yes, there’s the Eroscillator, Touch, Hitachi, Mystic Wand, and Wahl, and I love all of those too, but none of them offer the versatility that the Mona does. None of them have the tapered tip shape that slides between my labia so perfectly, the range of vibration intensities that suit my clit’s any mood, the charge that… sometimes lasts long enough…

Okay. The word “Mona” is mentioned 261 times in my Twitter archive, and I’m trying to get #DumpHimBuyAMona to catch on, but the fact of my Mona dying in the middle of a jack-off session is definitely A Thing I Tweet About. A Lot. Although my Mona has a run time of 2.5 hours, I forget to charge it in between sessions and then this happens:

Well, peeps, all of that white whining is a thing of the past. Thanks to friends in high places, I now have not one, not two, but THREE Monas. One in each color. I literally own an entire set of one sex toy. 10-year-old My Little Pony collector me is losing her shit right now.

And finally, the dream I penned in my review became a reality: I have double-teamed with one Mona in my vag and one against my clit. I’m pretty sure angels sang.

Lest you deem me a lone lunatic, others also feel quite strongly about their Monas and many have reviewed it VERY favorably. People who are not me have made shrines to it and crafted mini Monas out of fondant. When I hang out with other sex bloggers, we have Mona parties and bring Mona to orgies. (“What color Mona 2 do you want to use?” is now my line.)

I know a few people who don’t love the Mona, but I still find it in my heart to be friends with them.

I’m trying to remember if I own any other “back-up” toys. I have 2+ of the Duet, Ola, Gigi, MiaHitachiTouch, and Tango, because they were each updated. I have two Wahls because people kept telling me their Wahls were loud and I needed to investigate.1 But I believe this is the first time I have owned several of the same toy with the explicit purpose of having back-ups in my times of need. And it is so, so awesome.

The only way this new system can fail is if I use two Monas simultaneously and deplete both of their charges. Then, oh horror of horrors, I will only have one fully-charged Mona to use. Thank goodness they charge quickly.

Get the Mona 2 at one of my fave places:
LELO, SheVibe, Early to BedBabeland,
Come As You Are (Canada), or Lovehoney (international).

  1. Unfortunately, both of my Wahls are quiet. I’m still looking into it. []
Apr 302014

Vixen Creations Mustang in NEON GREENWhen SheVibe found the last living neon green Mustang under a low shelf in their warehouse, we had to team up to give it away. And because any dildo pairs well with a nice vibe, we decided the winner would also get a Leaf vibe of their choice.

The lucky winner of this pairing is Kara! She chose the Leaf Life (oh hey, I like that one too!) and wrote back:

OOOOHHH MY GOD YOU JUST MADE ME DANCE AROUND MY APARTMENT IN JOY! MY DOG ALSO JOINED IN. You are spreading joy and orgasms around the world.

Also, I want to extend a slow clap to all of your comments about which discontinued toys (and companies) should come back, and which current toys should be discontinued. The world clearly needs Mr. Man to come back, as well as Whipspider Rubberworks, Penetralia, and Dills 4 Does.

Which things should be dumped off the nearest bridge? How about Anal Eaze, false and offensive advertising, the Revel Body, watch battery toys, 50 cent novelty dispensers in skeezy bathrooms, the LELO Ida, and my personal favorite: the word “naughty.”

Big huge thanks to SheVibe for having the idea for this giveaway! 
Remember, you can still get the Mustang in tie dye and neon pink.

I’m already cooking up my next giveaway. Hint: it’s an (over)abundance of one toy I love.

Apr 232014

Vixen Mustang, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveI knew I was in for something good because the email began, “I feel like only you can understand the breathtaking sense of wonder and accomplishment I’m feeling.”

Unsurprisingly, the email was about squirting.

Despite already owning and loving the G-spot god that is the Pure Wand, the letter writer experienced her first ever ejaculation with the unassuming Vixen Creations Mustang. See, I knew it would make a good beginner’s G-spotter!

Aside from having the best screen name on earth, That Virgin Who Can’t Drive is also very adept at describing sensation. As it turns out, the Mustang pairs wonderfully with the Leaf Vitality vibrator…

Okay, so, I’m still relatively new to toys and your blog has been indispensable in helping me to spend my money wisely. I was intrigued by VixSkin and pored over each of the reviews you’d done on the line, trying to get a sense of which one would be the best for me. Your review of the Mustang did me in — I snatched one up. The second I inserted it, I was in love (actual tears of pleasure may have been involved) and it still remains my favorite.

Reading your blog also opened me up to the possibility of squirting, which had never really occurred to me before as being feasible. I read your entries on squirting with a mixture of envy and awe, purchased my own Pure Wand, fell in love with it, didn’t squirt with it, tried again… and again… and again…

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I would feel the need-to-pee sensation, always with either the Mustang or the Pure Wand, and would be so sure I was going to squirt… only to have a great orgasm (ha, “only”) with no squirting. I’m not sure if I was psyching myself out at the last minute or what, but every single time: nada. I tried towels to relax, I tried flexing my PC muscles, but still nothing.

Vixen Mustang and Leaf Vitality, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveSo, last night I decided to jack off and grabbed my Mustang and my Leaf Vitality and settled in. It was one of those sessions that go from “just a half an hour” to “an hour… or two… or three…”

I got myself off twice and thought “eh, fuck it, one more.” This time the orgasm built up slowly — surprisingly slowly, considering I’d already had two very strong ones in the last hour — but I was patient. I’d thrust crazily with the Mustang and then ease off, teasing myself, all while I had one of the Vitality’s leaves on my clit.

Finally, when I was close, I started thrusting insanely fast, not because I was trying to squirt, but because I HAD to or I’d go insane. Suddenly, the need-to-pee sensation was there, only far more intense than I’d ever felt it and I had a split second of “oh SHIT” before it happened.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe that it would be like a flow or a gush, but it wasn’t like that. I came, hard, and, as I did, there was an actual thin jet, like water out of a plastic squirt gun. It startled me so much I may have actually said “whoa!” I don’t really remember, because the second after it happened, this overwhelming sensation of bonelessness washed over me and I just laid there in a complete daze.

I mean, I’ve enjoyed a lot of great orgasms in my short lifetime, but never one that has left me feeling that euphoric and spent, like I’d been hooked up to a morphine drip. I felt weightless, I felt well-fucked, I felt hungry… just really, really starving… and so exhausted, but then too excited to sleep because OH MY GOD, DID I JUST… YES, EVERYTHING IS WETNESS AND GLORY.

Because I am insane and was feeling entirely too much like a superhero, I measured the spot (once I’d regained full functioning of my limbs): 10″ long and 3″ across at the widest point. Probably not enough to soak a Liberator Throe, but certainly enough to soak through the sheets into the mattress. That itself is pretty dumbfounding — how small the spot seems until you start peeling back the layers of your sheets and it has soaked all.the.way.through.what.the.HELL?

I think the reason it ended up being the Mustang instead of the Pure Wand is that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of hefting that delicious steel beast quite yet or, at least, hefting it quickly enough to make myself squirt (apparently I too need to furiously thrust like a mofo to make it happen).

I think this is a great point, and I am in solidarity with you! The first toy I squirted with was a lightweight silicone dildo. For some first time squirters, maybe the stainless steel of the Pure Wand is too advanced, and a softer, more flexible silicone is better.

Also, a 10 x 3″ squirting spot is impressive as fuck, and can we take a moment to coo at that second photo? That Virgin wrote, “they look like an adorably awkward pair of friends on vacation.”

I got this email long before I set up my most recent giveaway (which is still going on, through Friday), but maybe subconsciously my brain put together the combo of a Mustang and a Leaf vibe because it worked out so well for That Virgin Who Can’t Drive? In any case, the Mustang is wonderous.

Get the Mustang in a skin toneneon pink, or tie-dye.

Wanna save some $? Woody/Vibrating Woody ($57-58) is the single-density version of the Mustang.

Apr 192014

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (bottom) with Comet G WandBloggers created a wave of hysteria following the release of the Jopen Key Comet G Wand.

“It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina,” Girly Juice raved.

“I was 38 years old and found my G-spot for the first time in my life with the Key Comet and the blended orgasms I can get with it completely blow my mind,” Dizzygirl wrote.

I ranked it as the #1 sex toy I tried in 2013 and explained, “this is simply a toy that comes very, very, disturbingly close to usurping one of the greatest G-spot dildos of all time . . . [it's] one of the best straight-up G-spot dildos I’ve used.” I also routinely get reader emails screaming about their love for it.

Being the bigwigs that they are, Jopen (owned by California Exotics) capitalized on the success and quickly churned out another: the Jopen Key Comet II Wand.  A rechargeable, vibrating version. The only design in the Key line to get a second generation. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Luckily for everyone, the Comet II is simultaneously a worthwhile choice for those who’ve yet to own a Comet Wand but not a necessary purchase for those who already do. And hey, I’ll take the opportunity to rave like a lunatic about this toy all over again. Because every time I use either of them, my G-spot loses its fucking mind right along with me.

Design changes between the Comets were kept to such a minimum that I had to keep editing the word “slightly” out of this paragraph. The two toys are nearly the same dimensions, but the Comet II is about 1/4 inch thinner where the silicone meets the handle. The silicone on the Comet II is greener and silkier, with a tiny bit more squish on the head. Speaking of the head, it’s slightly (oops) more pronounced on the II — there’s a deeper dip under it.

The Comet II has disposal markings1 on the back along with the two charging magnets (it charges via USB cord), but they can hardly be felt with a finger, much less my vagina. It comes with a crinkly black satin bag, but I don’t recommend storing it (or anything else) in there because my Comet II has developed2 some very faint dark staining on the silicone.

Because the new Comet is made with plastic instead of glass, it’s only 6.4 ounces in comparison to the original’s 9.2 — a difference of 2.8 ounces (or the weight of a can of french fried onions). This discrepancy is not as noticeable as you’d think. I like the glass handle on the original, which clinks under my fingernails like a piece of fine glassware, but my nuanced vagina can hardly feel the weight difference.

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (foreground) with Comet G WandFinally, the silver Key emblem on the handle is now a button which revs up the beast. I was concerned this button would be too easy to press, resulting in jarring unwanted vibrations. But thankfully, it must be held for a good second to turn it on, and I never accidentally do that. HOWEVER! I hold it with my left hand. If you do the opposite, it’s possible your thumb might rest against the button.

The vibrations are strong but very buzzy, and there’s only one steady setting followed by six patterns. I feel favorably toward the very fast pulse, the low-then-high steady, and the one that’s trying to send the number 7 in morse code to my G-spot.

I’d never use this as a clitoral vibe; the shape is not made for that. And these vibrations have no subtlety — years ago I would have scoffed at the idea of them stirring pleasure in my G-spot. But I’m liking internal vibration more and more, when I’m in the right mood and have a strong clitoral vibe to pair with it. It adds an extra jolt that makes me sit up straighter, and I even like the strong phantom sensation of needing to pee that the vibrations cause.

But for many it could be overwhelming. What the Comet II needs most are lower steady vibration settings and rumblier vibrations. I’m only letting it get away with vibrations this buzzy and unrelenting because it is amazing even with the vibrations turned off. Sometimes more so.

Which, yeah. Let me reiterate. THE SHAPE IS INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I never want to remove this toy from my vagina. I kept having to go back and forth to test both Comets, yet still I’d procrastinate on removing one from my vag to insert the other. I literally did not want to go a few seconds without one inside of me.

And that extra bit of a dip under the head of the Comet II? It makes the G-spot stimulation even more acute. You are lucky you don’t have to watch me using this toy. I do such harsh things with it, like I’m trying to scoop my G-spot out of myself with all of my might. But it causes some of the most profound, unforgiving G-spot stimulation I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t advise buying the Comet II if you already have the first one, because most of the differences are minor. The vibrations can be an intense addition, but they are not the toy’s forte. The shape is.

If you’re deciding between the two versions, though? The original Comet is $75. The Comet II is $80. Yes, it literally takes that five dollar bill you were saving for a footlong sub to get vibrations. This laughable non-difference in price makes my job here much easier: get the Comet II if you don’t have one already. Just do it. I’m serious. Do it for the sake of your G-spot.

  1. What the fuck else do I call them? The trash can with an X through it and shit. []
  2. I think, although I can’t be 100% sure it wasn’t there when I first opened it… []