May 282014
 

Tenga Iroha vibrator line: Sakura (pink), Midori (green), Yuki (white)If you like pushing around the skin on a wrinkly dog, you will love touching the Tenga Iroha vibrators. They feel spongy, like marshmallows, with enough give on the outer layer that you can push it around like dog skin. They’re really addicting to touch, but that criteria would only matter if I were reviewing a set of stress balls.

These are sex toys, and as sex toys, they perform adequately. I’d give them a passing grade, maybe a C+ or B-. But I’d also give them some stern suggestions for improvement and hope that they try harder next time.

The Iroha line is Tenga’s first attempt at making vibrators; they’ve always only made toys for penises. These vibes are unique because the outer layer is silicone, but the inside is polyurethane elastomer, which gives them their plush, mochi-like feel that truly is unlike anything I’ve felt before. Yuki is the white one that resembles a snowman; Midori is green and pear-shaped; and Sakura is pink, with pointy pincers reminiscent of the Form 2.

These vibrators charge like perfect specimen under a clear plastic cover, via USB or the included wall adapter. This isn’t discreet in the least, and would be a nuisance to travel with, but it’s drop-dead simple and looks sophisticated as fuck. It also keeps fuzzies and debris away from the toys while they charge.

Which reminds me: the Iroha toys claim to be “lint-free.” One time, my cat waltzed across my desk and sat on one, and I can report, there was not much to show for it. I even petted him with Midori (which he loved) and there was approximately a single hair to pick off. So my highly scientific cat tests point to yes, they are “lint-free.”

Tenga Iroha Sakura vibrator, brokenI was feeling positively toward these toys overall, until one night when I was Skyping with a friend and whipped them out to show her. Somehow — and I really don’t know how, although I guess it happened when I was pushing the skin around like I do with wrinkly dogs? — the control panel popped off the Sakura, exposing all the innards and wires.

If these toys can be disassembled by a drunk girl fumbling around on Skype, I feel like that’s a bad sign. I contacted Tenga and at first they explained that it was a known defect with Sakuras only. But then it happened to my Midori. And Yuki. Finally I was told it was an issue with weak claw joints that connect the control pad to the main body, which have now been strengthened in the entire line.

I sent my Irohas back and received all new ones. I haven’t experienced the issue with my new Irohas, although I can still push the skin away from the control pad. These toys do have a year warranty, and I trust that Tenga would replace any faulty units. Still, it gives me pause. Does Tenga know what they’re doing? Are these toys ready for prime time?

I’m not entirely convinced, because the Irohas are splashproof only,1 and they have a paltry three vibration strengths — and one pattern. Most rechargeable clit vibes2 are waterproof and offer more settings. For $99, the Irohas should be more adjustable.

The vibrations in the Irohas are neither particularly buzzy nor particularly rumbly. Speed setting #1 works for a couple minutes, until I’m like, “okay, next.” Speed setting #2 is decent, and the third and final speed is enough to bring me to orgasm no problem, but… do I always want to be going to the last setting to have an orgasm? I often have more than one orgasm per session, needing slightly more power as I go, and these don’t provide that flexibility.

The single pattern is a generic pulse. Fuck that shit.

The Irohas do feel unique and cushy in use; the word that keeps coming to mind is “pleasant.” I don’t use a ton of pressure with my toys, so I can’t make a pronouncement on whether they’re good for folks who do. It could be a fruitless and frustrating exercise, or, as one reviewer happily reports, it could “prevent a case of Bruised Clit the next morning.”

A friend suggested I use an Iroha during sex, as perhaps it wouldn’t be as pokey as other things. I guess it wasn’t as easily jostled into my vulva, but then, I only engage in sex positions with low risk of that happening. As I made my way up to the third setting, it became apparent: don’t send an Iroha to do a Mona’s job. A few more strength settings would’ve brought me to orgasm much more quickly.

Shape-wise and otherwise, I like Yuki most. Somehow, it feels a bit stronger than the other two at its highest vibration strength. The flickering, pinpoint sensation of Sakura is also nice. Midori is my least favorite because it is the most rigid at the tip, although I like how its rotund body stimulates my labia. Overall, Yuki offers the tangible squish of the dual-density materials with the consistency in shape that I need. Just not, always, the strength I need.

I think the ideal person for one of these vibes is someone who really really REALLY wants a body-safe, rechargeable clitoral vibrator that is soft and squishy, but does not need that vibrator to be waterproof or turbo-powered. Otherwise, you’re better off with the We-Vibe Touch or LELO Mona 2, which are stronger, rumblier, and considerably more rigid.

As for me, I still feel favorably toward the Irohas. They feel nice, and I can see myself pulling out the Yuki if I’m in a leisurely mood… but I feel burdened by the missed opportunities. Tenga has something good going here, but they squandered it with the lack of vibration options, non-submersible design, and questionable construction. I hope a second generation is in the cards.

Get the Iroha vibes at SheVibeGoodVibesBabeland, Early to Bed, or Lovehoney (international).

  1. They can be run under a tap for cleaning, though, according to Tenga, but they cannot be submerged. []
  2. See the LELO Alia and MiaJe Joue MiMi, Jimmyjane Form 2, 3, and 4, We-Vibe Touch and Tango, Crave Duet and Solo, and Minna Limon. []
May 172014
 

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildoI promptly asked for the biggest size available, because of course I did. That was my mistake.

The dildo comes, of course, in other sizes manageable to the average vagina, but mine is not the average vagina. I use my vaginal distinction as justification for choosing THE HUGEST OF THE HUGE at all times. Sometimes to my glory, sometimes to my detriment.

The detriment is not, as you might assume, because it is too large to insert. Oh, that’s a breeze — 1.75″ in diameter of solid glass? No big deal. The detriment is that the G-Spoon is too damn heavy. My vagina feels weighed down, giving me the sneaking suspicion that the dildo is trying to dump my body at the bottom of the ocean, à la Dexter.

I should’ve known better, but I didn’t.

The Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon is made of soda lime glass, which is heavier than the borosilicate used for most mass-produced glass dildos. Soda lime isn’t bothersome on smaller pieces, like the Candy-Colored Glass Dildo, but with the large version of the G-Spoon, the sensation that overrides all others is one of weight. And I… can’t get past it.

Undoubtedly, this is one of the most gorgeous toys I own. It looks like one of those vintage distressed tables you’d see on Pinterest. It has crevasses down its length that collect vag juice like a mofo — and require toothbrush clean-up. If you are highly motivated you could probably turn this dildo into a luge for squirt. (Porn producers, take note.)

Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildoWith my particular G-Spoon, the large side is the only usable one because the smaller side is too blunt. Maybe I’m being neurotic, but for $150 I can only insert like 4 1/2 inches out of a foot, which feels like a waste. Or maybe it only does because the stimulation is not awesome.

See, I wanted the G-Spoon to be like a glass version of the NobEssence Seduction. The idea seemed reasonable… at one point. But with this kind of weight, any G-spot stimulation is drowned out. And that bulge on the underside? My vagina does not agree with it.

I kept giving the G-Spoon the benefit of the doubt. Multiple benefits of the doubt, many more than I usually give, because who DOESN’T love Fucking Sculptures? I kept thinking maybe my vagina’s being ornery today. But no, the shape just does not feel good to me.

I like some weight in my butt. I know that. But in my vag, I guess not. Not this much of it. And not in this shape.

No disrespect to Fucking Sculptures. They’re wonderful, sweet, and have their heads on straight. Any company that just outright names themselves Fucking Sculptures, giving the finger to every coy sex toy company ever, can’t be bad. Any company that makes all of their toys by hand, in a non-porous and gorgeous material, can’t be bad.

But I’ve learned a valuable lesson here: I will never be done learning from my vagina. It will continue to surprise me with both what it can handle, what it can’t handle, and all the nuances it can discern. I may never be able to just look at something and know, with certainty, whether I will like it. A depressing thought indeed.

Each Fucking Sculptures piece is handmade, so they differ from dildo to dildo. SheVibe knows the importance of specifics, so if you order from them, you will get the exact toy pictured in the listing. Factor weight into your decision the way I didn’t, and you should be fine. Really, I bet the small and medium versions of this toy are great.

The G-Spoon is $110-$150 at SheVibe.
Get 10% off any Fucking Sculpture that’s not on sale with code PIPH10.

May 122014
 

LELO Mona 2 in all three colors (red, purple, pink AKA cerise)I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So much that I rush to comfort it when it falls off my nightstand.

“Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about that vibrator. The Mona is the only sex toy I take on trips. I force shops to add it to their inventory. I subtly push people toward it in my job on the floor of a sex toy boutique (my current record is within 20 minutes of opening). One time I named a stray cat after it.

Yes, there’s the Eroscillator, Touch, Hitachi, Mystic Wand, and Wahl, and I love all of those too, but none of them offer the versatility that the Mona does. None of them have the tapered tip shape that slides between my labia so perfectly, the range of vibration intensities that suit my clit’s any mood, the charge that… sometimes lasts long enough…

Okay. The word “Mona” is mentioned 261 times in my Twitter archive, and I’m trying to get #DumpHimBuyAMona to catch on, but the fact of my Mona dying in the middle of a jack-off session is definitely A Thing I Tweet About. A Lot. Although my Mona has a run time of 2.5 hours, I forget to charge it in between sessions and then this happens:

Well, peeps, all of that white whining is a thing of the past. Thanks to friends in high places, I now have not one, not two, but THREE Monas. One in each color. I literally own an entire set of one sex toy. 10-year-old My Little Pony collector me is losing her shit right now.

And finally, the dream I penned in my review became a reality: I have double-teamed with one Mona in my vag and one against my clit. I’m pretty sure angels sang.

Lest you deem me a lone lunatic, others also feel quite strongly about their Monas and many have reviewed it VERY favorably. People who are not me have made shrines to it and crafted mini Monas out of fondant. When I hang out with other sex bloggers, we have Mona parties and bring Mona to orgies. (“What color Mona 2 do you want to use?” is now my line.)

I know a few people who don’t love the Mona, but I still find it in my heart to be friends with them.

I’m trying to remember if I own any other “back-up” toys. I have 2+ of the Duet, Ola, Gigi, MiaHitachiTouch, and Tango, because they were each updated. I have two Wahls because people kept telling me their Wahls were loud and I needed to investigate.1 But I believe this is the first time I have owned several of the same toy with the explicit purpose of having back-ups in my times of need. And it is so, so awesome.

The only way this new system can fail is if I use two Monas simultaneously and deplete both of their charges. Then, oh horror of horrors, I will only have one fully-charged Mona to use. Thank goodness they charge quickly.

Get the Mona 2 at one of my fave places:
LELO, SheVibe, Early to BedBabeland,
Come As You Are (Canada), or Lovehoney (international).

  1. Unfortunately, both of my Wahls are quiet. I’m still looking into it. []
Apr 302014
 

Vixen Creations Mustang in NEON GREENWhen SheVibe found the last living neon green Mustang under a low shelf in their warehouse, we had to team up to give it away. And because any dildo pairs well with a nice vibe, we decided the winner would also get a Leaf vibe of their choice.

The lucky winner of this pairing is Kara! She chose the Leaf Life (oh hey, I like that one too!) and wrote back:

OOOOHHH MY GOD YOU JUST MADE ME DANCE AROUND MY APARTMENT IN JOY! MY DOG ALSO JOINED IN. You are spreading joy and orgasms around the world.

Also, I want to extend a slow clap to all of your comments about which discontinued toys (and companies) should come back, and which current toys should be discontinued. The world clearly needs Mr. Man to come back, as well as Whipspider Rubberworks, Penetralia, and Dills 4 Does.

Which things should be dumped off the nearest bridge? How about Anal Eaze, false and offensive advertising, the Revel Body, watch battery toys, 50 cent novelty dispensers in skeezy bathrooms, the LELO Ida, and my personal favorite: the word “naughty.”

Big huge thanks to SheVibe for having the idea for this giveaway! 
Remember, you can still get the Mustang in tie dye and neon pink.

I’m already cooking up my next giveaway. Hint: it’s an (over)abundance of one toy I love.

Apr 232014
 

Vixen Mustang, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveI knew I was in for something good because the email began, “I feel like only you can understand the breathtaking sense of wonder and accomplishment I’m feeling.”

Unsurprisingly, the email was about squirting.

Despite already owning and loving the G-spot god that is the Pure Wand, the letter writer experienced her first ever ejaculation with the unassuming Vixen Creations Mustang. See, I knew it would make a good beginner’s G-spotter!

Aside from having the best screen name on earth, That Virgin Who Can’t Drive is also very adept at describing sensation. As it turns out, the Mustang pairs wonderfully with the Leaf Vitality vibrator…

Okay, so, I’m still relatively new to toys and your blog has been indispensable in helping me to spend my money wisely. I was intrigued by VixSkin and pored over each of the reviews you’d done on the line, trying to get a sense of which one would be the best for me. Your review of the Mustang did me in — I snatched one up. The second I inserted it, I was in love (actual tears of pleasure may have been involved) and it still remains my favorite.

Reading your blog also opened me up to the possibility of squirting, which had never really occurred to me before as being feasible. I read your entries on squirting with a mixture of envy and awe, purchased my own Pure Wand, fell in love with it, didn’t squirt with it, tried again… and again… and again…

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I would feel the need-to-pee sensation, always with either the Mustang or the Pure Wand, and would be so sure I was going to squirt… only to have a great orgasm (ha, “only”) with no squirting. I’m not sure if I was psyching myself out at the last minute or what, but every single time: nada. I tried towels to relax, I tried flexing my PC muscles, but still nothing.

Vixen Mustang and Leaf Vitality, photo by That Virgin Who Can't DriveSo, last night I decided to jack off and grabbed my Mustang and my Leaf Vitality and settled in. It was one of those sessions that go from “just a half an hour” to “an hour… or two… or three…”

I got myself off twice and thought “eh, fuck it, one more.” This time the orgasm built up slowly — surprisingly slowly, considering I’d already had two very strong ones in the last hour — but I was patient. I’d thrust crazily with the Mustang and then ease off, teasing myself, all while I had one of the Vitality’s leaves on my clit.

Finally, when I was close, I started thrusting insanely fast, not because I was trying to squirt, but because I HAD to or I’d go insane. Suddenly, the need-to-pee sensation was there, only far more intense than I’d ever felt it and I had a split second of “oh SHIT” before it happened.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe that it would be like a flow or a gush, but it wasn’t like that. I came, hard, and, as I did, there was an actual thin jet, like water out of a plastic squirt gun. It startled me so much I may have actually said “whoa!” I don’t really remember, because the second after it happened, this overwhelming sensation of bonelessness washed over me and I just laid there in a complete daze.

I mean, I’ve enjoyed a lot of great orgasms in my short lifetime, but never one that has left me feeling that euphoric and spent, like I’d been hooked up to a morphine drip. I felt weightless, I felt well-fucked, I felt hungry… just really, really starving… and so exhausted, but then too excited to sleep because OH MY GOD, DID I JUST… YES, EVERYTHING IS WETNESS AND GLORY.

Because I am insane and was feeling entirely too much like a superhero, I measured the spot (once I’d regained full functioning of my limbs): 10″ long and 3″ across at the widest point. Probably not enough to soak a Liberator Throe, but certainly enough to soak through the sheets into the mattress. That itself is pretty dumbfounding — how small the spot seems until you start peeling back the layers of your sheets and it has soaked all.the.way.through.what.the.HELL?

I think the reason it ended up being the Mustang instead of the Pure Wand is that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of hefting that delicious steel beast quite yet or, at least, hefting it quickly enough to make myself squirt (apparently I too need to furiously thrust like a mofo to make it happen).

I think this is a great point, and I am in solidarity with you! The first toy I squirted with was a lightweight silicone dildo. For some first time squirters, maybe the stainless steel of the Pure Wand is too advanced, and a softer, more flexible silicone is better.

Also, a 10 x 3″ squirting spot is impressive as fuck, and can we take a moment to coo at that second photo? That Virgin wrote, “they look like an adorably awkward pair of friends on vacation.”

I got this email long before I set up my most recent giveaway (which is still going on, through Friday), but maybe subconsciously my brain put together the combo of a Mustang and a Leaf vibe because it worked out so well for That Virgin Who Can’t Drive? In any case, the Mustang is wonderous.

Get the Mustang in a skin toneneon pink, or tie-dye.

Wanna save some $? Woody/Vibrating Woody ($57-58) is the single-density version of the Mustang.

Apr 192014
 

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (bottom) with Comet G WandBloggers created a wave of hysteria following the release of the Jopen Key Comet G Wand.

“It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina,” Girly Juice raved.

“I was 38 years old and found my G-spot for the first time in my life with the Key Comet and the blended orgasms I can get with it completely blow my mind,” Dizzygirl wrote.

I ranked it as the #1 sex toy I tried in 2013 and explained, “this is simply a toy that comes very, very, disturbingly close to usurping one of the greatest G-spot dildos of all time . . . [it's] one of the best straight-up G-spot dildos I’ve used.” I also routinely get reader emails screaming about their love for it.

Being the bigwigs that they are, Jopen (owned by California Exotics) capitalized on the success and quickly churned out another: the Jopen Key Comet II Wand.  A rechargeable, vibrating version. The only design in the Key line to get a second generation. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Luckily for everyone, the Comet II is simultaneously a worthwhile choice for those who’ve yet to own a Comet Wand but not a necessary purchase for those who already do. And hey, I’ll take the opportunity to rave like a lunatic about this toy all over again. Because every time I use either of them, my G-spot loses its fucking mind right along with me.

Design changes between the Comets were kept to such a minimum that I had to keep editing the word “slightly” out of this paragraph. The two toys are nearly the same dimensions, but the Comet II is about 1/4 inch thinner where the silicone meets the handle. The silicone on the Comet II is greener and silkier, with a tiny bit more squish on the head. Speaking of the head, it’s slightly (oops) more pronounced on the II — there’s a deeper dip under it.

The Comet II has disposal markings1 on the back along with the two charging magnets (it charges via USB cord), but they can hardly be felt with a finger, much less my vagina. It comes with a crinkly black satin bag, but I don’t recommend storing it (or anything else) in there because my Comet II has developed2 some very faint dark staining on the silicone.

Because the new Comet is made with plastic instead of glass, it’s only 6.4 ounces in comparison to the original’s 9.2 — a difference of 2.8 ounces (or the weight of a can of french fried onions). This discrepancy is not as noticeable as you’d think. I like the glass handle on the original, which clinks under my fingernails like a piece of fine glassware, but my nuanced vagina can hardly feel the weight difference.

Jopen Key Comet II Wand (foreground) with Comet G WandFinally, the silver Key emblem on the handle is now a button which revs up the beast. I was concerned this button would be too easy to press, resulting in jarring unwanted vibrations. But thankfully, it must be held for a good second to turn it on, and I never accidentally do that. HOWEVER! I hold it with my left hand. If you do the opposite, it’s possible your thumb might rest against the button.

The vibrations are strong but very buzzy, and there’s only one steady setting followed by six patterns. I feel favorably toward the very fast pulse, the low-then-high steady, and the one that’s trying to send the number 7 in morse code to my G-spot.

I’d never use this as a clitoral vibe; the shape is not made for that. And these vibrations have no subtlety — years ago I would have scoffed at the idea of them stirring pleasure in my G-spot. But I’m liking internal vibration more and more, when I’m in the right mood and have a strong clitoral vibe to pair with it. It adds an extra jolt that makes me sit up straighter, and I even like the strong phantom sensation of needing to pee that the vibrations cause.

But for many it could be overwhelming. What the Comet II needs most are lower steady vibration settings and rumblier vibrations. I’m only letting it get away with vibrations this buzzy and unrelenting because it is amazing even with the vibrations turned off. Sometimes more so.

Which, yeah. Let me reiterate. THE SHAPE IS INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I never want to remove this toy from my vagina. I kept having to go back and forth to test both Comets, yet still I’d procrastinate on removing one from my vag to insert the other. I literally did not want to go a few seconds without one inside of me.

And that extra bit of a dip under the head of the Comet II? It makes the G-spot stimulation even more acute. You are lucky you don’t have to watch me using this toy. I do such harsh things with it, like I’m trying to scoop my G-spot out of myself with all of my might. But it causes some of the most profound, unforgiving G-spot stimulation I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t advise buying the Comet II if you already have the first one, because most of the differences are minor. The vibrations can be an intense addition, but they are not the toy’s forte. The shape is.

If you’re deciding between the two versions, though? The original Comet is $75. The Comet II is $80. Yes, it literally takes that five dollar bill you were saving for a footlong sub to get vibrations. This laughable non-difference in price makes my job here much easier: get the Comet II if you don’t have one already. Just do it. I’m serious. Do it for the sake of your G-spot.

  1. What the fuck else do I call them? The trash can with an X through it and shit. []
  2. I think, although I can’t be 100% sure it wasn’t there when I first opened it… []
Apr 112014
 

A runaway dildo... previously discontinued, discovered under a low shelf!

Back in October, we mourned the discontinuation of some of the loveliest neon dildos from Vixen Creations, including the green Mustang and all neon versions of the Maverick. I thought they were all gone forever. BUT THEN this email from SheVibe happened:

Vixen Creations Mustang in NEON GREEN

Dude, you’ll never guess what I found in the warehouse. A GREEN MUSTANG!! It had rolled underneath a low shelf, we don’t even have them on the site anymore. It must be the last living one — wanna do a giveaway?

If I do nothing else in my life, at least I can be the person who gives away rare dildos in a color that may never happen again in our lifetimes. The Mustang is one of my all-time favorites: its squishy dual-density silicone stimulates my G-spot and vaginal walls with ease, and its size is perfect for all occasions.

Because the dildo’s best friend is the vibrator, the winner will also get a Leaf vibe of their choice. I like the Life, but it’s up to you! This is a winning combination that has been proven to work out swimmingly.

Sex toy giveaway: the runaway dildo (neon green Vixen Mustang dildo + Leaf vibe!)

Isn’t SheVibe’s art the greatest?

As always, you can choose to rack up as many entry points as you’d like depending on which social media channels you’re most willing to share your love of dildos on. The only mandatory entry is subscribing to my RSS feed, either in a reader or via email. I have two new Google+ pages I’m trying to promote, so that entry technique is more heavily weighted. Otherwise, it’s business as usual.

This giveaway is open to entrants in the U.S. and Canada.
Deadline: April 25, 2014 at 11:59 pm PST.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Apr 042014
 

It occurred to me, 30 minutes after my interview with Tristan Taormino for Sex Out Loud Radio aired today (and I was finally able to breathe again), that perhaps I should compile a list of links to all the stuff I mentioned on the show. My brain is not used to talking about stuff without using links for context! Such a millennial.

So first, download the episode or stream it right here, and follow along below with the relevant links. Then, leave me a comment with your thoughts on the show. Any glaring omissions? Want to berate me for not having had anal sex yet (POSER, RIGHT)? Go right ahead!

The toy that got a mean nickname on TwitterRevel Body

The toy that was not made for a “tight vagina,” apparentlySplit Dildo

My favorite vibrator of the moment because it is so simple yet effective: LELO Mona 2

Once upon a time, I didn’t like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but then I changed my mind

My favorite dildos (well, the ones I could think of with half a cup of coffee in me): njoy Pure Wand (stainless steel), NobEssence Seduction, anything made of VixSkin

A company that makes vibrators in the US: Crave

The Y-shaped toy from the company with the stupid “about” page: G-Vibe

New wooden sex toy manufacturer: Dee Lee Doo, old one: NobEssence

Double penetration toys (body safe)Tantus FlexOhMiBod Lovelife AdventureLELO Ina (sort of)

My favorite anal toys: njoy Pure Plugs (stainless steel), NobEssence Romp (wood), Fun Factory Bootie (silicone)

Ann Summers Ultimate G, the vibrator that promises a "Third Level Orgasm"Tristan’s butt plug — I’ll try it ASAP, I promise!

“Third Level Orgasm” toy: Ann Summers Ultimate G

“C-spot” is the worst term.

Tristan movies I loved: Rough Sex, Chemistry. And one I did not like: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Threesomes.

Trans Grrrls scene with the hot lighting.

Quick links to my favorite porn performers on this here blogKimberly Kane (THE BEST LABIA), Sasha Grey, Tori BlackSinn Sage, James Deen, Danny Wylde, Sean MichaelsEvan Stone (I forgot Belladonna and Bobbi Starr!)

and lastly… I do consulting now!

Apr 012014
 

[Edit: Although I do love these companies, this is an April Fool's joke. GOTCHU.]

Being a niche blog, and one dedicated to something that a percentage of inhabitants of earth refuse to even talk about, I’ve spent years growing relationships with companies in the adult industry alone. But a few months back, one of my friends suggested reaching out to more “mainstream” places, like those who make my favorite non-dildo products. The idea sounded just crazy enough that it might work.

Heaps and heaps of emails and wishful thinking later, I’m happy (and surprised) to report that five companies have agreed to sponsor me and the orifices/appendages that are not my genitals. These things can’t give me orgasms, but they will make my life easier, more delicious, and perhaps even more productive.

International Delight

International Delight logo and creamer line-up

I plow through creamer like it’s water, and have ever since I was born I started drinking coffee roughly 13 years ago. My morning begins with coffee doused with creamer — OR ELSE. Finally, a company has agreed to indulge my shameless addiction. International Delight makes my favorite creamer flavor of all time, Caramel Macchiato. I’ve had flings with others, like Coffeemate’s Cinnamon Vanilla Creme, but I distinctly remember the first time I tried I.D. Caramel Macchiato. LIFE CHANGING.

With International Delight’s sponsorship, I’ll be getting a delivery of fresh creamer each week, and I’ll be able to sample all the new and strange flavors without risking my wallet. Which is a relief, because I am petrified of mocha-flavored ones and anything that is meant to mimic cream cheese. (You’d think that’d be obvious, but then Cinnabon happened.)

International Delight Caramel Macchiato singles

As a sweet bonus, they’re also sending me a lifetime supply of these, so I’ll never have to endure plain cream and sugar at a breakfast establishment ever again.

Converse

Converse logo

I’ve been wearing Converse since I was a teenager and discovered this thing called “writing lyrics on the rubber of your shoes to make yourself look deep.” Also, I’m lazy, and if I know my size and can order something online, I will do so. So, even when I’m supposed to be professional, I wear Converse. I have several pairs, including some gorgeous gold sparkle ones I found on eBay. And now… now, they let me design my own Epiphora-themed pair, and they are GLORIOUS:

Epiphora-themed Converse!

The people at Converse have been nice, although a bit aloof and clueless. They sent me several pairs of high-tops despite my expressed distaste for those, as well as a USB drive full of modern music that they dubbed the “Chuck Taylor Brand Emissary Playlist.” I replied that instead of free music, I’d prefer that they cover the medical bill for my future flat foot problems. They were not amused.

Fish Eye Winery

Fish Eye Winery logo

Coming in a close third to coffee and water, wine also keeps me alive. For years I avoided it, sucking up pineapple rum instead — but when I began losing weight, I switched to wine. Usually white. Usually chardonnay, but I’m not picky or discerning. I still don’t love the taste of it (although mixing orange juice into it for a “white trash mimosa” is pretty sweet), but it gets the job done. It is my drink of choice for porn watching get-togethers, Skype dates, meeting new people who may or may not murder me, Sybian-riding partiesyelling at the internet, and making politics bearable.

I like Fish Eye because it’s cheap as shit, readily available within a few blocks of my apartment, and it’s vegan, which is important because although I’m not vegan, some of my best friends are. The only awkward moment was when they asked me how many bottles I would like per month. Um…

Bounty

Bounty logo

Paper towels are the cornerstone of my sex blogging existence. I use them for so many things:

Being a cheapskate, though, I’ve always settled for whatever’s cheap. Sometimes I’ll run out of paper towels and have to resort to setting my toys on printer paper. Truly low points in my career.

Thankfully, Bounty has ensured that I won’t endure these kinds of hardships ever again. They readily understood my plight and sent me so many paper towels I had to clear some space in my garage. “Let us know if you need us to replenish your stock,” they told me. I’m taking this as a challenge.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell logo

I’ll admit, my first choice for a meal sponsor was Panda Express, but they ignored all my emails. That’s okay; Taco Bell and I were destiny. Of all the companies in this post, they were the only ones to contact me first, via a Twitter DM which read: “Hi! Seen yr tweets about us. U definitely think outside the bun!! Wld love 2 sponsor u if ur interested. We can offer free food for u & ur friends. #blessed.” Um, yes. I’ve always been a fan of Taco Bell, as evidenced by my first ever tweet about them:

I was surprised by Taco Bell’s enthusiasm, considering the dig against the Crunchwrap in my Unique Condom round-up, my public mocking of Taco Bell’s atmosphere, and my denigrating of their Cinnamon Twists in my review of a glass dildo shaped like one. But it seems that, unlike many companies, Taco Bell knows how to take a joke. (I did, after all, once say that their food was a better deal than a 99-cent vibrating phone app.)

As per our agreement, I will be provided with a special card I can use freely at any Taco Bell location, not to exceed $300 per month. So everyone: Taco Bell feast at my place! And they are now serving breakfast, so I’ll be covered for all four meals of the day. Seriously can’t wait to scarf the Waffle Taco.

Taco Bell's new Waffle Taco

Maybe someday?

Here are the companies that either denied me or didn’t reply to me. No hard feelings, bro, but maybe you’ll reconsider when you see how influential I can be? If I can make someone throw out all their jelly toys, order a bunch of Sliquid, and have their first G-spot orgasm in just one week, think of what I could do to elevate your brand!

Sidenote: I am still looking for a pajama pant sponsor, but have yet to find a brand that lives up to my expectations of comfort. Contact me if you have any suggestions.

Mr. Coffee logo

Mr. Coffee. I already have a mug warmer for every room of my house, so that was covered, yet they still called my demands “unreasonable” and “excessive.” Apparently a grinder, an espresso machine, a K-Cup machine, a latte machine, a frappe machine, and an iced coffee machine were “overboard.”

Acer logo

Acer. My whole life is divided between two gorgeous Acer monitors. I had begun dreaming of a four-monitor set-up and tried to make the guy at Acer understand my vision, but he shot me down: “we try to distance ourselves from the lascivious activities our products are truly used for.”

uni-ball logo

uni-ball. The Jetstream is my all-time favorite pen, but considering I’m writing this with a computer, they were not interested. “Contact us in the future if you decide to handwrite your blog on papyrus.”

Rockstar Energy logo

Rockstar. Energy drinks are one of the only reasons I get anything done; in fact, you can thank Rockstar and bad music for the design of this site. My talks with Rockstar were moving along nicely, and I even sent them a list of my favorite drinks (Recovery Orange and Pure Zero Mango Orange Passionfruit, NO “COFFEE” STUFF OR I’LL SLIT YOUR THROAT), but when it came time to pay me, they replied, “wait, uh, what, you’re not a dude?” and ceased all correspondence.

CamelBak logo

CamelBak. I use their water bottles religiously because they’re the only ones I’ve found that don’t leak and can withstand being constantly knocked onto the floor by cats. Despite what I considered a gripping testimony of my allegiance to their brand, they denied me because my “lifestyle” is not “healthy” enough for them.

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With my basic needs for coffee, wine, food, shoes, and paper towels taken care of, I’ll have a lot more time for sitting home masturbating and writing. This can only mean good things for this blog. So thank you, International Delight, Converse, Fish Eye Winery, Bounty, and Taco Bell! Y’all rock.

Peeps: when you’re as famous as me, who will you get to sponsor your life?