Dec 032014

Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildoI have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else.

Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them.

Therefore, I was not surprised when I loved the Ash Girl.

It’s a modest size, at 6.7″ long, 5.8″ insertable, and 1.4″ in diameter at its widest. It’s delightfully textured, with a slight G-spotting curve and pronounced head. The cherry on top is a unique Light Vitrail Swarovski crystal (a gorgeous conglomeration of pink and yellow) in the base, which serves as an excellent handle.

The Ash Girl comes with a fancy storage bag embroidered with Asian-style dragons and phoenixes, rather than Crystal Delights’ usual black. Just don’t leave the storage bag out on your desk; any nearby cat will find it to be a highly acceptable bed.

The texture on the Ash Girl consists of peculiar-looking raised swirls and curly-Qs, like you might doodle in your notebook in 7th grade. I wasn’t sure how this would feel, and I’m not sure how to describe it. The site’s description calls this dildo “delicately textured,” but I don’t agree. It’s definitely intense — on the verge of abrasive. But I’m weird, and I like that shit.

The Ash Girl is like a glass version of the silicone Jellyfish, about which you may recall me writing:

Usually I have to choose between G-spotting and texture. Texture can be so overwhelming that G-spot stimulation gets drowned out, and vice versa. Not so with the Jellyfish. The Jellyfish has both — and both are overwhelming. In a good way… usually.

Many will find this texture far too abrasive. Like, probably 90% of people with vaginas. I find it abrasive most of the time. But once I get really turned on, when my vagina opens up and I drizzle the lube everywhere, the Jellyfish is amazing. I clench around it and the G-spot stimulation from that is SO GOOD that I come too fast.

The good thing about the Ash Girl is that it isn’t very big. So while the texture is crazy, I don’t have to prepare my vagina in advance for the dildo’s arrival. I can get all of the delicious texture without added girth. And most importantly, there’s a bulbous G-spotting head in the deal, too. SCORE.

The bumpy Star Delight feels gentle in comparison to the Ash Girl. Its rounded bumps are less jarring, and the lack of a curve cuts back somewhat on the G-spot stimulation. The Star Delight, with its straight shaft, is better for spinning. The Ash Girl is better for thrusting, or nudging the head up against my G-spot while I clench around the shaft and relish in the raised swirls.

Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildoThe Ash Girl is touted as being “harnessable,” but I’m not about to try it. I’m enough of an oaf without having to worry about jabbing my partner with unyielding glass, and I wouldn’t want another person to be in charge of how much this toy moves inside of me. I asked my girlfriend about the “harnessable” claim. The response? “I feel concerned.”

Also, this is one of the most difficult toys to clean that I’ve ever owned. Just when I think I’ve toothbrushed off every bit of dried-up vag gunk, the toy dries and more gunk magically appears. What I’m saying is, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing this dildo with anyone I wasn’t fluid-bonded with.

The Ash Girl will never be the most widely enjoyed toy in Crystal Delight’s catalog based solely on how intense its texture is. It’s a very particular toy. At $145, it’s also more spendy than most dildos from Crystal Delights. Before purchasing, ask yourself if you like your vaginal walls to feel vaguely like they’re being scraped. I do, hence why I love it.

Thank you, Crystal Delights!

Nov 272014

GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. I’m here to tell you where you can get the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals on sex toys I have meticulously tested and can highly recommend. Best part: you can stay in your pajamas!

If you’ve been waiting to buy something I raved about, now is probably the time. Discounts like these don’t happen on such a grand scale at any other time of the year. Some toys will sell out, too, so if there’s something you want, don’t delay.

Black Friday sex toy deals from Epiphora!

So far I have deals from GoodVibes, Lovehoney, LELO, SheVibe, Tantus, Early to Bed, Fleshlight, Babeland, NobEssence, Sliquid, and JT’s Stockroom, plus porn-tastic sales from Crash Pad Series and Courtney Trouble, a web hosting deal from HostGator, business cards from Moo, and the usual from Amazon. I even have some special coupons you won’t find anywhere but here.

I will be continually updating this post as more sales pop up, so use that refresh button!

My favorite deals (toy name links to my review):


BEST FOR: orders over $100 and LELO products.

Cyber Monday at GoodVibes, 25% off LELO and more!

Cyber Monday at GoodVibes means getting a $15 gift card with any order over $100, and LELO products continue to be on sale at 25% off! My LELO picks are Mona 2, Siri, and Mia 2.

I also suggest you get something from my favorites page, like anything from Vixen (I love Mustang and Buck), an Eroscillator Top 2 Deluxe,, njoy Pure Wand, Fun Factory Stronic Eins, Comet II WandNobEssence Romp, Vibratex Mystic Wand, We-Vibe TangoWe-Vibe Touch, Liberator Throe, and/or Joque.


BEST FOR: international purchases over $80 or £50, especially of njoy products, Fun Factory Stronics, We-Vibe toys (I love Touch and Tango), and Vixen Creations toys.

25% off orders over $80 at Lovehoney this Black Friday!

My favorite worldwide sex toy shop, Lovehoney, will be giving a steep 25% off as long as you spend over a certain amount of money, among their other sales and special offers. Lovehoney has sites for UK, US, and Australia. I suggest checking out my landing page for my favorites and going from there.

This sale runs from Friday, November 28th to Monday, December 1st.


BEST FOR: international purchases of LELO products, especially Ella and the Luna Beads.

20% off and free international shipping at LELO with code PIPH20

Get 20% off everything, free shipping (EVEN ON INTERNATIONAL ORDERS!), and free lube with orders over $100 at LELO. Use code PIPH20. This code will take effect Thursday, November 27th and end on Monday, December 1st.

Do you have a clitoris? You need the Mona 2 (here’s why, and here’s another reason why). I also love the Luna Beads (review here), Mia (review here), Ella (first toy I squired with, yo), and Siri (review here).


BEST FOR: those placing an order over $125, especially for the LELO Mona 2 and more unique lines such as NobEssence wooden toys, Eroscillator, Leaf, and more obscure/fancy Liberator stuff, etc.

Black Friday Blowout at SheVibe!

It’s an escalating sale at SheVibe: the more you buy, the more you save! Get 10% off orders over $75 with code TURKEY10, 15% off orders over $100 with code TURKEY15, and 20% off orders over $125 with code TURKEY20. Check out my favorites for what you should get!

Coupon codes are only valid for countries they ship directly to: US, CA, UK, AUS. This sale runs Friday, November 28th through Monday, December 1st at 11:59 pm EST.


Free Sliquid lube with $75 purchase at SheVibe with code SLICKPIPH

Black Friday ONLY, you can get a free bottle of Sliquid lube (my favorite!) with purchase of $75 or more (after other discounts, which are compatible). Use code SLICKPIPH for this one, which ends at 11:59 pm EST on Black Friday. Use the code and SheVibe will add a bottle of Sliquid of their choice when they make your package. No need to add to cart!


BEST FOR: those wanting specific Tantus toys, really cheap silicone toys, or toys for harness play, BDSM, prostate play.


Cyber Monday at Tantus means 40% off already deeply-discounted Grab Bag sex toysThe Ryder ($11!) and Echo ($20!) are the best. Take advantage — this is a RIDICULOUS deal.

Black Friday steals at Tantus and additional 15% off with code EPIPHORA

Tantus always has epic sales, and their sale this year isn’t any different! They have various bundles of toys with deep discounts, and individual toys are also discounted.

Plus, you can use code EPIPHORA to get an additional 15% off already amazing sale prices. As always, free US shipping with orders over $100, and free international shipping with orders over $200.

Note: The full price will show on the product page as well as on each item in the cart until all items necessary for the bundle are present in the cart. After a few moments, the cart refreshes on its own to reflect the discounted price of each item.

Tantus also has specific products discounted. With the additional 15% off from the EPIPHORA code, you can get these:

This sale runs from Friday, November 28th through Monday, December 1st at 11:59 pm PST.

In addition, there will be 24 hour flash sales each day on a specific product. Watch this space and my Twitter account for info.

Early to Bed

BEST FOR: purchases of less expensive items and rare items from my favorites list, such as cute butt plugs, Vixen Creations single-density dildos, and porn DVDs.

15% off at Early to Bed when you purchase one of Epiphora's faves!

I am madly in love with Early to Bed, especially because they worked with me on a special deal just for my readers this year. Buy at least one product from my favorites page and get 15% off your total order with coupon code EPIPHORA15.

Early to Bed is especially great for non-dual-density dildos from Vixen that I love: Woody, Leo, Randy, and Large Real Bent (Claire). Here, you can also get the best deal on the Thinny MinnieHitachi, Cuddle, Moka, and Bootie.

Although this may not be the steepest discount you can get, Early to Bed is one of the greatest little indie sex shops around, so you should support them!

This coupon is valid Thursday, November 27th through Sunday, November 30th.


BEST FOR: anyone wanting a Fleshlight, especially if you’re interested in Sex in a Can or the Shower Mount

Fleshlight is having a sweet sale Wednesday, November 26th through Tuesday, December 2nd. Here are the deets:

50% off Sex in a Can Fleshlights this Black Friday!

50% off Sex in a Can/Jack’s Soda products! These Fleshlights are great because they are smaller and more compact than traditional ones. Plus, the Jack’s Soda Fleslights come in the most adorable cans ever made.

Had your eye on something else? How about this:

Buy more, get more free gifts at Fleshlight this Black Friday!

Or were you wanting a Fleshlight Girl specifically? Well, boom:

Buy 2 Fleshlight girls, get one free!

Buy 2 Fleshlight Girls and get one free!


BEST FOR: gorgeous wooden toys straight from the source.

25% off with SAVE25 and free shipping on orders over $100

25% off with code SAVE25 and free shipping over $100 through this weekend only! You can’t go wrong with NobEssence, but I really like the awesome Romp and Seduction.


BEST FOR: late shoppers on Cyber Monday.

15% off at Babeland Cyber Monday!

15% off everything at Babeland for Cyber Monday! Use code CYBERSAVE.

My fave vibes are the We-Vibe Tango, We-Vibe TouchLELO Mia 2, LELO Mona 2,  Babeland Silver Bullet, Blueberry Buzz, Picobong Ako, Picobong MokaHitachi Magic Wand, and Vibratex Mystic Wand. When it comes to dildos, you can’t go wrong with the njoy Pure WandFun Factory Stronic Eins, and/or pretty much anything from Vixen Creations. For your butt, get a njoy Pure Plug because they are perfection. Top things off with a Joque harness and Liberator Throe.

Sliquid / Ride Lube

BEST FOR: people who just want some lube, goddamnit, without having to buy other junk!

15% off Sliquid and Ride lube this Black Friday and Cyber Monday

15% off all orders at Sliquid and Ride Lube, from Friday through Monday. Sliquid is my favorite lube ever. The best part about this sale is that you can get an additional 10% off with code EPIPHORA, so bottles of my faves H2O and Sassy are just $10!

JT’s Stockroom

BEST FOR: inexpensive glass toys and bondage gear.

Up to 75% off at JT's Stockroom this Black Friday

Save up to 75% off in this sale from JT’s Stockroom, which runs now through Monday, December 1st. The Blue Ribbon Glass Dildo is only $19, the Bent is only $11, and this glass butt plug is $15.

Other much less tame stuff is on sale, too, such as paddles, gags, cuffs, collars, sounding equipment, anal hooks, and more!

Crash Pad Series and Courtney Trouble

BEST FOR: porn mongers!

10% off the first month at Crash Pad Series

Spanning Black Friday through Cyber Monday, Pink & White Productions will offer 10% off the first month of a level 2 membership to its queer porn site Based on Shine Louise Houston’s dyke sex cult classic The Crash Pad, is a one-of-a-kind membership site, and a virtual hotbed of queer sexuality.

Autumn sale at Courtney Trouble's store!

It’s an autumn sale at Courtney Trouble’s store! Get $30 off the Double Trouble glass dildo toy PLUS a free DVD! The code FUCKFRIDAY will also get you 30% off any full length film in the online store (includes DVDs and downloads). You should buy Trans Grrrls. This sale runs through Sunday night.


BEST FOR: budding bloggers needing a kick in the pants to start that blog.

55% off hosting at HostGator this Black Friday!

My awesome host, HostGator, is offering 55% off all new hosting plans from Friday, November 28th at 12 pm CST through Monday, December 1st, at 11:59 pm CST. They will also be running ten one-hour sales at a whopping 75% off. I’ll try to announce those on my Twitter account.

Moo Cards

BEST FOR: the best quality business cards in the land.


I always wait until Cyber Monday to order more business cards at Moo Cards. They did not disappoint this year, with 25% off business cards, stickers, postcards, and more. Super high quality cards that will impress your business associates (haha)!

This sale ends at 11:59 pm on Tuesday, December 2nd.


BEST FOR: your non-sex toy purchases, because you love me.

Black Friday deals week at Amazon

If you’re shopping for non-sex-toys at Amazon this weekend, might I gently nudge you into using my affiliate link to do so?

Nov 242014

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO.

For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail at inopportune moments. 2013 brought us Ida, easily the most functionally deficient LELO toy I’ve ever tried (that’s putting it mildly), and the useless Hula Beads. This year, we were blessed with Ora, an “oral sex” simulator, which was a waste of my clit’s time.

And now we have this.

LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Your eyes do not deceive. That is a cock ring with a pinstripe-lined box, LELO-branded cufflinks, and a money clip engraved with the phrase “Always Be Closing.” Its tagline is indeed Exclusively for Bankers.

I’m sure you’re having a visceral reaction to me merely stating these objective facts, but allow me to make it a lot worse by quoting the press release and embedding the accompanying promotional video.

According to the company, the PINO “is the first pleasure object ever created to satisfy the hedonistic sexual cravings and excesses exhibited by members of the financial world, with LELO’s promotional video a testament to the role PINO will play in bankers’ lives.”

Steve Thomson, LELO’s head of marketing said, “PINO is the ultimate stimulus package, the most exclusive couples ring in the world and is aimed at the Wolves of Wall Street and Gordon Gekkos of our communities. They’re rarely satisfied and always looking for new limits to push, so PINO is about meeting those demands and adding a new adventurism to their sex lives.”

. . . “Can you think of a more demanding group to design a sex toy for?” Thomson said. “For most of us, sex is one of the most wonderful, pleasurable experiences in our lives. In the male-dominated, testosterone-drenched context of banking, it’s an obsession, and that perhaps explains the demands LELO receives and delivery to financial institutions. Bankers are both proud of their sex lives but also want to make sure they’re doing it right. PINO is kind of an external consultant in that respect, and as a sex-positive, inclusive brand — LELO creating this product 100% serves a demanding group.”

The new PINO is a premium couples’ ring worn by men during sex, with its stretchy silicone ring accommodating and enhancing men of all sizes. Its vibrating motor brings enhanced pleasure for her, “while ensuring the man will always close the deal with his partner,” the company says.

They’re right! The douchebag market was completely untapped before now! The world definitely needed a product catering to pompous rich asswipes! Those dudes were not taking up enough space to begin with; they needed to add more shit to their penises.

In this techno-saturated nightmare, all bankers are animalistic, unhinged, sex-obsessed men who get wasted, act stupid, objectify women, piss away their money, and get in bar fights… but don’t worry, they wake up just fine the next morning to put on their ties and go to their Important jobs.

Screenshots from LELO's promo video for Pino, the cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Sex positive! Inclusive! I mean, exclusively for bankers, but — somehow inclusive!

When LELO posted this video to their Facebook page, the people told them what they really thought, in potentially the first ever comments section not to disappoint.

Reactions to LELO posting their sexist Pino promo video on Facebook

Whatever happened to the LELO of yore? The LELO that launched toys like the Siri, Ella, and Luna Beads… simple toys with simple aims and great execution? What happened to modest toys like Gigi and effective toys like Mona? What happened to making sex toys that work with actual human anatomy? Or prioritizing the user experience? Or modes that people actually like? Or, god, marketing that doesn’t insult the entire human race?

Let me remind you, LELO, since you seem to have forgotten, about the principle on which your goddamn company was founded.

. . . Leaving their jobs to work on LELO full-time, the trio agreed to base everything on the concept that intimate items designed for women should be designed with women in mind.

Where were women when Pino was conceived? In the constructed reality of Pino, women are just fucktoys that shitty dudes take home after getting wasted. Women are disembodied ankles and bitches who flip men off (but secretly want to fuck them). Women are vessels upon which men project their egos. Women certainly aren’t bankers.

This makes me feel sicker than I did watching that video of people making Girl Scout cookie shots. And that’s saying a lot.

Nov 212014

I say this every year, but HOLY FUCK, PEOPLE. You went nuts in my 6-year blogiversary giveaway.

Over 3,600 individual souls entered, 2,200 people reblogged on Tumblr, and I lost count of the number of tweets long ago. Also, 1,900 of you filled out a survey about my blog, which blows my mind. I haven’t had a chance to go through the responses yet, but I’m sure they will be invaluable in my blog’s growth. So thank you!

A lot of you have been asking what the most popular prize packs were. The top three were the Stronic Eins + AkoMagic Wand + Pure Plug, and Ryder + Mona 2 + Lockable Toy Case.

Without further ado, the winners (who have all been contacted)!

Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!

Thanks to ALL OF YOU who entered. I know it sucks not to win, and to have the odds be so stacked against you, but know that I appreciate you as a reader and I wish I could give you all prizes.

As always, big hugs to the awesome companies who donated: LELOSheVibeLovehoneyTantus, EroscillatorWe-Vibe, Fun FactoryFleshlight, SliquidVixen Creations, OhMiBodCrystal DelightsBabelandNobEssence, njoyEarly to BedGood Vibrations, and Vibratex!

Nov 192014

LELO Hula BeadsImagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh.

The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends.

So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the rotation off, so the Hula Beads are always writhing. Writhing within me. Like a cunt worm.

As is always the case these days, the marketing for the Hula Beads attempts to convince you that there are SO! MANY! WAYS! they can be used. Ever adventurous and indebted to you, my friends, I tried every possible way. GOD HELP ME.

  • Big end first, fully inserted: Eh, there is something there and it is vibrating. If I didn’t know, I would not guess that anything was rotating.
  • Small end first, fully inserted: MY CERVIX IS BEING ROTATED.
  • Big end first, half-inserted: It’s okay? I guess? But that’s not where my clit is, FYI, because I feel like that’s what’s implied by the “idea” of wearing them like this. If you want rotation coupled with vibration that’s ACTUALLY on your clit, you want the Ida. (Although really, you don’t want the Ida.)
  • Small end first, half-inserted: This is the only way I could derive any pleasure from the Hula Beads. Of course, it infringed on my ability to sit in my favorite position (with my leg tucked under me) — I basically had to dudespread all over the place. Forget standing up; it would writhe out of my body if I did that. And uh, that’s still not where my clit is.

So the way that most people will use it (small end first, fully inserted) is the least comfortable, and the most pleasurable position hinges on my patience for sitting in a useless puddle at my desk. Why? What is the point of all this? What is life?

I’ll concede one tiny thing. The Dudespread Position™ actually turned me on. But the arousal was caused by the lack of stimulation on my clit, of my body wanting more. Like, if I want to tease myself at my desk while attempting to be productive, I’ll use the We-Vibe 4 or We-Vibe Tango Dusk Pleasure Mate because at least with those toys I can get an orgasm at the end of it.

But most times, wearing the Hula Beads, I don’t want to masturbate — I just kind of want it to stop. They make me acutely aware of the existence of my cervix, so much so that I legitimately thought I was inducing my period one time by wearing them. Seriously, the rotation makes me feel like a human ice cream machine.

I know my vagina isn’t particularly lengthy, but jeez. The toy is only 4 inches long, but once pushed past the pubic bone, that 4 inches becomes too much. It would be a huge gamble for anyone to buy these, as there’s no way of knowing whether one’s vaginal canal is long enough to cradle them without cervix irritation.

Like, a gamble to the tune of $169.

The LELO Hula Beads just don’t make sense. They don’t have a purpose on this earth. I mean, they’re meant to induce pleasure, but instead they just irritate. Physically and psychologically

They’re certainly more noticeable than the Luna Beads and their non-rotating remote-controlled sibling, Lyla, but they’re noticeable in a bad way. They’re not like other things that can hang out in my vagina and make a dull day just a little bit more enjoyable. In fact, if I have any feelings of irritation, the Hula Beads will just force those right to the surface in the form of rage at the weird sensations it is subjecting me to.

And I still find the remote control aspect wonky. Even just a couple feet away, sitting on my desk, the toy sometimes doesn’t respond when I tilt the remote, or responds after several seconds. I’d suggest giving up all semblance of control, because your movements may or may not have any impact on the toy. I tested it for a while with my friends (isn’t that what you do with your friends?) to confirm this, and my patience wore thin. It lasted one hour and 13 minutes. Then it stopped — and I was at peace.

I deserve a luau and a Mai Tai after all this.

Get the LELO Hula Beads at LELO, SheVibe, Babeland, Good Vibes,
Come As You Are (Canada), or Lovehoney (international).

Nov 102014

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex bloggerMost of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a house, an experience that was completely new to me. As a person who earns most of their income through nefarious and elusive internet means, as well as a person who masturbates frequently and more peculiarly than most, I had some… unique considerations as a home buyer.

My sex blogging played an interesting role not only in income verification and loan approval, but also in house hunting and logistically moving my 400+ sex toys safely from point A to point B. Here’s what I learned along the way.

  1. Those spreadsheets and ridiculous taxes paid off. For years I’ve been documenting my blog’s affiliate commissions and ad payments in spreadsheets, plus forking over exorbitant amounts of cash in taxes each year as a self-employed person. Finally, I was able to use both as proof of my income, and it meant being able to get a better loan. After every little mobile check deposit was scrutinized, all the money I’ve made in the past two years with this blog was deemed legitimate, and I proved that I am a human capable of making monthly mortgage payments despite sticking things in my vag for a living. It felt good.
  2. Hide nothing from the mortgage people and realtors. My (female, tattooed, hell yes) realtors quickly became accustomed to me talking about where I would put my toys in particular houses, and they understood the importance of finding the right office for me. My mortgage guy chuckled while lamenting that it was hard for him to verify my work because my site was blocked at his office. The whole process would have been a lot more stressful if I was trying to shield the nature of my job from everyone.
  3. Don’t rush, and be firm about what you need, versus what you can compromise on. Although it can be hard, patience is key. There were features I wanted in a house — two bathrooms, a quiet street without neighbors looming from every angle, a finished basement — that I almost gave up on. Because I didn’t, I can now poop in peace, take photos of my sex toys outdoors without neighbors creepin’, and I have a fucking finished basement. In exchange, the house is smaller than I’d hoped for. The trade off was worth it.
  4. Epiphora's uncluttered sex blogging deskDownsize the things that don’t matter; upsize the things that do. I gave away so much junk by setting it on the curb at my old apartment, and although I felt momentarily strange about not trying to sell any of it, it was so nice for it to just disappear. Meanwhile, my office is no longer a corner of the living room but ITS OWN ROOM, and I’ve vowed to keep my desk more minimal now. Spaces feel so much different when they’re not piled high with clutter.
  5. Holy shit, I own a lot of sex toys (and their accoutrements). No joke, I found empty LELO boxes in every room of my apartment. Throes covered in cat hair were everywhere. I discovered a thigh harness that I have no idea how I acquired. Hoisting everything to my car, I remembered that Sybians weigh a lot and Liberator shapes take up a lot of space — but at least they come with carrying handles.
  6. It is a worldwide travesty that we don’t have better ways get rid of adult items. I have so much stuff that probably nobody wants, but I refuse to just throw it away. Well, most of the time. After much scheming about making an epic Instagram video of death for the Rock Box, I ended up unceremoniously placing it in a dumpster. I’m not ashamed. Fuck that thing.
  7. Hiring movers is the best $500 I’ve ever spent, but I’m glad I didn’t trust them with my sex toys. The guys were swift and efficient… but almost disconcertingly so. After signing that waiver, I was not about to let them handle my precious collection. I have many discontinued sex toys that could never be replaced if broken or lost. So I moved the toys in myself prior to the big moving day.
  8. My parents helped, too — which normalized my work even more. A funny moment was when we needed AA batteries for the doorbell. My dad thought for sure I’d have some because of my toys. “Most of my vibrators are rechargeable,” I told him. He exclaimed, “no kidding!”
  9. Epiphora's sex toy closetLet change happen. I had a lot of anxiety over where certain objects would go in the new house, and it was unnecessary. When you move, things will go in different locations, and that will be okay (not just okay — it will be exciting to decide!). My sex toys are mostly in a single closet, now — although I do plan to eventually find a sweet display case — and having them out of my line of sight when I’m at my desk was a good decision.
  10. A room of one’s own is a real thing. I had no idea how much I would relish locking cats out of my office. Or not hearing my boyfriend making dinner right next to me. Or how much I would freak the fuck out over a measly closet. But having an office — with a door! — has been life-changing. I can even lock the door when jacking off. INCREDIBLE.
  11. But maybe get window coverings for the sex blogging office first. I bought blinds for the other rooms, but because I want fun curtains in my office, those windows remained bare. One of my office windows looks out onto a street which leads to an elementary school, so I felt a wee bit uncomfortable opening porn at 3 pm on a weekday without shades. I eventually caved and bought temporary blinds.
  12. Thank gawd for the Hitachi. We did some serious bonding in the weeks and months surrounding the move. Being able to have an orgasm within 5 minutes and without removing one’s pants? Truly a miracle.
  13. The pride I feel for my blog and toy collection as been (momentarily?) replaced by the pride I feel for this home. Being an apartment renter for 7 years, I became very complacent. The place was cramped, people rarely came over, the apartment company didn’t want to fix anything, and it wasn’t truly mine. Having plopped down $50,000 on this house probably helped, but I just want everything to be nice. We painted almost every room before moving in, and one afternoon I found myself on my knees on the floor, scraping dried paint off the hardwoods with a butter knife. I hope this sense of pride lasts.
  14. Moving into a house with street views does not stop me from walking around naked. I blame my mother.
  15. At the end of the day, it’s the little things. It’s moving my sex toys in first. The ability to close the door of my office. Turning my music up at night. Hearing crickets instead of street noise. Sitting quietly on my porch. And, of course, marking my territory once and for all — by squirting all over my office floor.

Toys pictured in first photo (starting at top, moving clockwise-ish):
Fun Factory Tiger, Pipedream Ceramix No. 4, Pleasure Works Maven, Tantus Rocket,
LELO Mona 2, Fun Factory Boosty, LELO Luna Beads, and njoy Pure Wand.

Oct 292014

Lovehoney Sqweel Go oral sex toy in a tiny casserole dish“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens.

There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009:

. . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy.

When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be:

Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall.

But lo, here it is. The Sqweel Go is literally 1/4 the size of the Sqweel 2; it fits in the palm of your hand and you will want to hug it. It makes the other Sqweels look like the vulva-hogging monsters they definitely are. And it’s USB rechargeable!

The Sqweel Go comes with unmemorable packaging, a USB cord, and a manual — no storage bag. It’s $60, the same price as the Sqweel 2, which isn’t bad at all for a rechargeable toy. It’s listed as “submersible.” Cleaning is kind of a pain because the tongues don’t move when the toy is off, and they can’t be dismantled like in previous generations.

And there is a flaw in the “shrink the Sqweel” plan that I had not anticipated. By shrinking the tongues, the breadth of the stimulation is lessened to an almost upsetting degree. It’s now more of an undulating sensation than a flapping sensation. Girly Juice described it as “like receiving cunnilingus from a pixie,” and I cannot improve upon that description. (I’d rather receive cunnilingus from a manic pixie dream girl, myself.)

Although this wouldn’t be a proper review of an “oral sex” toy without me taking a moment to stress that cunnilingus does not feel like a mechanical wheel of tongues. You have no idea how many times I have said a variation of that sentence in my lifetime.

The noise level has not been improved. According to an app on my boyfriend’s phone, both the Sqweel 2 and Sqweel Go clock in at 66 dB. The mechanical sound remains; perhaps it is inherent in having a wheel that turns. However, the Sqweel 2 is much more high-pitched. It’s no Beatles concert, but it’s not pleasant either.

The Sqweel Go’s motor is also puny, wimpy. The first two steady speeds are too weak, and the three patterns have too many drops in speed and movement to feel good. Only the top steady speed is acceptable as a pleasurable sensation, and the sensation is dampened considerably the closer I press the tongues into my clit. Sqweel Go orgasms are a disappointment, because the stimulation gets me to the orgasm, but the peak is bungled if I involuntarily press the toy into my body at all.

By comparison, the enormous Sqweel 2 feels much more intense, even on its lowest setting, and does not cause unsatisfactory orgasms. I may have to wrangle any dildo I use with it, pressing the dildo awkwardly toward the floor to make room for the bumbling Sqweel, but at least the pleasure is more consistent.

So either way, I’m giving something up. With the Sqweel Go, I’m giving up power. With the Sqweel 2, I’m giving up a sensible size. Choosing between them, though, I’d have to go with the toy that gets me off without incident: the Sqweel 2.

The Sqweel Commandments remain unchanged. Observe them always.

  • Thou shalt not use the Sqweel when not aroused
  • Thou shalt use tons of lube
  • Thou shalt wear headphones
  • Thou shalt let go of any illusion that the Sqweel will feel anything like cunnilingus

Slap me upside the head all you want, Lovehoney, because I deserve it, but I’m going to ask for at least one more generation of this crazy contraption. I’ll let you off the hook on the noise thing, and feel free to make it slightly bigger than a gerbil, but I want more speeds, (much) more power behind the movements, and a return to larger tongues. I’m insatiable. I’m sorry.

Thank you, Lovehoney!

See Epiphora's favorite toys and get 10% off at Lovehoney!

See all my favorite toys at Lovehoney and get 10% off your order!

Oct 212014

October is the month when the leaves start turning, my sweaters finally get put to good use, and I celebrate that one time 6 years ago I thought it might be fun to start a blog.

As has become tradition, I launch an epic blogiversary giveaway each October. Each year I have outdone myself, and last year I gave away 18 prizes. Naturally, this year, I’m giving away 37… 52 if you count all the bottles of lube. Because that’s not setting myself up for failure next year or anything. So quoth my friend, “one of these days you’ll just give away a whole store.”

Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!

[Everyone bow down to the freakishly talented Aerie for creating the graphics
for this giveaway. If you ever need someone to make you graphics, HIRE AERIE.]

As per usual, I am only giving away toys I’ve tried and loved — because my readers deserve only the best. But this time, rather than single prizes, I’ve created swanky prize packs. This is some high-end shit, yo, and almost all of them come with a bottle of water-based lube from my favorite lube makersSliquid. Plus, half the prize packs are available to my international readers!

How to enter: Read about each of the prize packs below, choose your very favorite (carefully — you can’t change your pick after you’ve entered), then enter using the widget. Entry techniques range from drop-dead simple (following me on Twitter, which you likely already do since I’m a hoot) to in-depth (filling out a survey about my blog).

This giveaway ends on Monday, November 17th at 11:59 pm PST.

Forever thankful to the companies who donated: LELOSheVibeLovehoneyTantus, EroscillatorWe-Vibe, Fun FactoryFleshlight, SliquidVixen Creations, OhMiBodCrystal DelightsBabelandNobEssence, njoyEarly to BedGood Vibrations, and Vibratex!

Open to everyone / international readers

Sex toy prize pack: Ryder butt plug + LELO Mona 2+ Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case + Sliquid lube

The Ryder butt plug, donated by Tantus, the LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Ryder is a wonderfully filling silicone butt plug that is also incredibly comfortable. The rechargeable Mona 2 is basically the vibrator of the decade. Versatile as fuck, with a range of vibrations that could suit almost anyone. Store them in the toy case and you’re good to go!

Sex toy prize pack: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original + njoy Pure Plug + Sliquid lube

The (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original, donated by Vibratex, and the njoy Pure Plug in your choice of size, donated by njoy. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Magic Wand (formerly known as the Hitachi) is one of the strongest vibrators ever — loved by those with clits and those with penises. Meanwhile, your butt can delight in the unprecedented weight and shape of the Pure Plug. Stainless steel is officially THE BEST anal toy material around.

International winner of this pack agrees to pay customs/duties fees if applicable.

Sex toy prize pack: LELO Ella + LELO Mia 2 + LELO Luna Beads + Sliquid lube

The LELO EllaLELO Mia 2, and LELO Luna Beads, all donated by the fantastic LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

A veritable smorgasbord of adorable and effective sex toys! The Ella is an awesome G-spot dildo, the Mia 2 is a discreet little USB-rechargeable vibe, and the Luna Beads are my favorite way to do kegel exercises. BAM.

Sex toy prize pack: SheVibe $100 gift card
A $100 gift card to SheVibe!

If you read this list and aren’t feeling any of the prize packs, I suggest this gift card instead! SheVibe stocks pretty much every good sex toy on earth, including some obscure yet awesome brands. They are great so you’re sure to find just what you want there.

Sex toy prize pack: NYTC dildo, Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness, Sliquid lube
The New York Toy Collective dildo of your choice, donated by SheVibe, and the Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

New York Toy Collective makes two dildos — the Shilo and Mason — with bendable inner cores. This means you can pack and play with them. And what better harness to use when you play than the Spareparts Joque? Aside from being super comfortable and adjustable, the Joque is also machine-washable.

Open to winners in the US, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Sex toy prize pack: OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle, We-Vibe Touch, Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case, Sliquid lube
The OhMiBod Lovelife Cuddle, donated by OhMiBod, the We-Vibe Touch, donated by We-Vibe, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Vibes, vibes, vibes, plus a place to store them! The Cuddle is a highly-adjustable rechargeable vibe in a manageable size. The We-Vibe Touch is a petite rechargeable vibe small enough to nestle in the palm, but equipped with enough oomph to satisfy. I thought they needed a case, so there.

Sex toy prize pack: $150 Tantus gift card
A $150 gift card to Tantus!

Oh dang, what will you get in their awesome online shop? The Splash? The Cush O2? Or perhaps the awesome Juice, Rocket, or Duke? So many possibilities! If you’re in need of the high-quality silicone dildos and butt plugs (and who isn’t?), this gift card is for you.

Sex toy prize pack: Fleshlight + Shower Mount + Sliquid lube
Fleshlight of the winner’s choice, plus a Shower Mount for it, donated by Fleshlight. Plus a bottle of water-based Sliquid Organics lube!

The years go by, and the Fleshlight remains the gold standard for my most treasured penis owner (my boyfriend). With this prize pack, you have your pick of the litter — any Fleshlight you desire — plus a Shower Mount so you can go to town while singing “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Sex toy prize pack: njoy Pure Wand + njoy Pure Plug + Sliquid lube
The njoy Pure Wand and njoy Pure Plug, in your choice of size, donated by njoy. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

njoy offered more prizes than what I originally asked for, and who am I to say no? So, if you want all stainless steel all the time (and I don’t blame you), this is your prize pack. Your G-spot and your butt will sing like a choir of angels.

International winner of this pack agrees to pay customs/duties fees if applicable.

Open to U.S. readers only

Sex toy prize pack: Fun Factory Stronic Eins + PicoBong Ako + Sliquid lube
The Fun Factory Stronic Eins, donated by Fun Factory, and the PicoBong Ako, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Stronic Eins does not vibrate; it THRUSTS. And if you prop it up against a pillow, you don’t even have to hold it. I often crave it specifically — a sure sign of excellence in my household. I’ve paired it here with a small but mighty battery-operated vibe that looks like a bean.

Sex toy prize pack: njoy Pure Wand + Liberator Throe + Sliquid lube
The njoy Pure Wand, donated by njoy, and the Liberator Throe, donated by Babeland. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

No big deal, guys, just one of the greatest G-spotting dildos of all time plus the most water-resistant sex blanket available today. Only the toy that has taught millions1 of vaginas to squirt. And you can, too, with the peace of mind that comes with having a Throe under your butt.

Sex toy prize pack: Fun Factory Bootie + NobEssence Romp + Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case + Sliquid lube
The Fun Factory Bootie, donated by Fun Factory, the NobEssence Romp, donated by NobEssence, and a Lovehoney Lockable Toy Case from Lovehoney. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Butt plugs ahoy, plus a place to keep ‘em! These plugs are two of my all-time favorites. The Bootie is the perfect plug for anyone and everyone with a butt, while the Romp is a gorgeous, sculpted wooden plug that will make you believe in heaven. OK, maybe I’m getting out of hand. Or maybe not…

Sex toy prize pack: Vixen VixSkin dildo of choice + Aslan Jaguar harness + Sliquid lube
A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations, and the Aslan Jaguar harness, donated by Early to Bed. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Ooh, friend, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. It will spoil you for life. Choose from any of Vixen’s amazing designs — my favorites are the Buck, Mustang, and Maverick — and then strap it into the legendary Aslan Jaguar harness (available in leather or vegan faux leather), because the softness of VixSkin is made for strap-on play.

Sex toy prize pack: Eroscillator Top Deluxe / Soft Finger Combo + Sliquid lube
The Eroscillator Top Deluxe / Soft Finger Combo, donated by Eroscillator. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

This one has stood the test of time, holding up as one of the greatest clitoral stimulators I’ve ever tried. As always, look past its fugly exterior to the toy within — a toy that oscillates, and feels different and deeper than a traditional vibrator. It’s not a cheap toy, which is why it sits alone in this pack save for lube, but it’s so good.

Sex toy prize pack: Crystal Delights Ash Girl + LELO Mona 2 + Sliquid lube
The Crystal Delights Ash Girl, donated by Crystal Delights, and the LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

A highly-textured glass dildo with sparkling Swarovski crystal base, the Ash Girl is yet another home run for Crystal Delights. Pair it with the unstoppable Mona 2 vibrator and you have a winning combination for sure.

Sex toy prize pack: NobEssence Seduction + LELO Siri + Sliquid lube
The NobEssence Seduction, donated by NobEssence, and the LELO Siri, donated by LELO. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

The Seduction is one of my top 3 G-spot dildos of all time. I love how lightweight the wood is, and the both ends are epic G-spotters. I’ve teamed the Seduction up with the LELO Siri vibe because the Siri is the perfect size for using during crazy G-spot times.

Sex toy prize pack: Jopen Comet II Wand + We-Vibe Tango + Sliquid lube
The Jopen Comet II Wand, donated by Good Vibrations, and the We-Vibe Tango, donated by We-Vibe. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

This silicone-dipped vibrator is disgustingly good at G-spotting. The drag of the silicone is amazing at replicating the “come hither” motion that G-spots love. And in case you need more stimulation, the We-Vibe Tango will rattle your clit into oblivion. Subtlety will not be involved.

Sex toy prize pack: Vixen VixSkin dildo of choice + Vibratex Mystic Wand + Sliquid lube
A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations, and the Vibratex Mystic Wand, donated by Vibratex. Plus a bottle of water-based lube from Sliquid!

Ooh, friend, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. It will spoil you for life. Choose from any of Vixen’s amazing designs — my favorites are the Buck, Mustang, and Maverick — and you’ll also get my favorite battery-operated wand vibrator, the mighty Mystic Wand.

Ready to enter? Excellent!

6-year blogiversary giveaway

Deadline: Monday, November 17th, 2014 at 11:59 p.m. PST.


  • All winners must be 18+.
  • If you enter for a prize that cannot be shipped to your country, I will have to choose a new winner.
  • Winners will have 48 hours to respond to emails, or their prize will be forfeited.
  1. rough estimate []
Oct 112014

[What happens when the media misrepresents squirting? Similar rage.]

Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet

Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the G-spot doesn’t exist, and here we are again, with yet another news source “reporting” (I use that word quite loosely) on yet another “study” “proving” that the G-spot is a “myth” and EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND TOUCH YOUR CLITORIS.

It’s not the first, and it will never be the last, but it’s the one that broke me.

My soul has been cracking, little by little, each time this happens. Like that time a sex educator drew a question mark on an anatomy chart in place of a G-spot. That time a guy dared to write a book called What Do Women Want? and then went on Tristan Taormino’s radio show and claimed that “science hasn’t settled these questions” about the G-spot. And my personal favorite: that time over 1,000 people reported that they have G-spots and the media distilled that study into the headline “the G-spot doesn’t exist,” while a single solitary dude dissected a cadaver and the media piped up helpfully, “G-spot found.”

It wasn’t the “study” itself that broke me, although it is highly problematic too, but the “reporting” surrounding it. Folks are glancing at these scare-tactic headlines — “We Have Some Bad News About The G-Spot,” really? Like parents announcing a divorce? — and never reading beyond them. Or, worse, taking the time to read the articles only to be inculcated with false information.

There is much lazy reporting. With no compass for decoding it… until now.

Let’s begin with the headline.

The G-Spot And ‘Vaginal Orgasm’ Are Myths, According To New Clinical Review

As always, it is bold. It is definitive. It is clickbait. There is always a stock photo — of a woman moaning in faux-pleasure, a woman grasping a dude’s back like a cat climbing a curtain, or a tangle of four feet in dire need of someone to tuck them in. When posted on Facebook, the headline changes to the even more clickbaity “There’s A Reason You Can’t Find Your G-Spot.” Oh yeah. Reel ‘em in.

Now, how does one start an article about the G-spot when so much has been said about the G-spot? By stating that much has been said about the G-spot.

The struggle to find the G-spot and achieve the mythical “vaginal orgasm” is real. Books have been written on it; sex therapists have explained how to stimulate it; even Cosmopolitan magazine has tried to instruct dutiful readers how to find it.

Benign, yes? No. It calls the vaginal orgasm “mythical.” It states that “even Cosmopolitan magazine has tried to instruct dutiful readers how to find it” — in other words, even the lowly Cosmo has jumped on the bandwagon, trying (bless their hearts) to instruct dutiful (read: clueless) readers how to find the G-spot. They might as well be fumbling around in the dark for their contact lenses, am I right?!

This is a good time to gaze upon the address bar of your browser, at which point you may find the URL to begin with Ah yes, the place where all the regurgitated non-news is published. Who is this author, Rebecca Adams? I don’t know, but she seems to like elephants and has also written “Study Finds That ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’ Is Pretty Dead On.”

But a review published this week in the journal Clinical Anatomy may just halt all of these fruitless quests with the conclusion that neither the elusive G-spot nor the vaginal orgasm exist.

Very important distinction, here: a literature review has been published — not a study. Nothing has actually been studied. The researchers have simply rounded up other studies and projected their insecurities and biases upon them come to a conclusion. For a moment I want to quote the actual literature review in question (which I read in its pedantic, exclamation-point-ridden entirety) because this pretty much says it all:

The vaginal orgasm does not exist, so the duration of penile–vaginal intercourse is not important for a woman’s orgasm. Many men think long intercourse is the key to having orgasms during intercourse, but long intercourse is not helpful to women and some females may be grateful to get it over with quickly.

Take a deep breath.

Back to the HuffPo article.

“Like most things that are about sex, people get very hot and bothered on either end of this, but I really can’t say from my clinical practice that I’m at all convinced that there is a G-spot,” Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital and author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life (who was not involved in the new review), told The Huffington Post. “I think that a lot of women are very frustrated trying to attain something that may not be attainable.”

Behold the magical bait-and-switch: we are suddenly introduced to a professional of some sort who… had absolutely nothing to do with the literature review in question. NOTHING. The writer at HuffPo must’ve been like, “okay, so there’s this new thing about the G-spot, and I want to write about it because page hitz, but it’s kinda dry if I simply report the facts. Let me call someone and get some QUOTES!”

Of course, they needed someone to support the review’s “findings,” so it’s not like they could ask Tristan Taormino or Beverly Whipple. So they got Dr. Gail Saltz, who is neither a sex researcher nor a sex therapist nor anything beginning with “sex.” Yes, she’s written one book about sex (which has 7 reviews on Amazon despite being out since 2009), but that’s it. By her own description, she is a psychiatrist, columnist, and TV commentator.

She also has less followers than I do on Twitter. Yes, I just went there. #noregrets

In their Clinical Anatomy article, Italian researchers Vincenzo Puppo and Giulia Puppo stress the importance of using the correct terminology when discussing female sexual organs and women’s capacity for orgasm. They write that the so-called G-spot, a term that refers to a pleasurable spot located inside the vagina in the pelvic urethra, doesn’t exist — rather, every woman has the capacity to orgasm if her clitoris is stimulated. As such, the term “vaginal orgasm” is incorrect and “female orgasm” should be used instead, they argue.

Note the names of the researchers. Often it’s a dude parade. This one’s unusual because it seems to be a man and a woman (although I can’t find barely any information about them aside from this recent rash of news articles, which is… suspicious).

Also, if you look closely you’ll realize that HuffPo is actually revealing the true content of Puppo and Puppo’s review: an argument about semantics. The Puppos argue that tons of anatomical terms have no “scientific bias,” and therefore female ejacuation should really be called “female emission,” etc. etc. etc.

But that’s boring! Let’s move on!

The original research on G-spots, led by Addiego, who coined the term after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg in 1981, was based on a woman who “identified an erotically sensitive spot, palpable through the anterior wall of her vagina.” When the area was touched, it became larger and the woman reported increased sensitivity, pleasure and a desire to urinate — all of which led Addiego to conclude “the orgasms she experienced in response to the Gräfenberg stimulation felt much the same.”

However, the new review points out that the woman also reported that, at the time of testing, she had been diagnosed with a grade one cystocele, a condition in which “the supportive tissue between a woman’s bladder and vaginal wall weakens and stretches, allowing the bladder to bulge into the vagina.” The resulting side effects of cystocele, the authors argue, make the woman a poor candidate for the basis of a sexual theory with flimsy subsequent medical proof.

One woman one time had a condition that could have skewed stuff and therefore NO G-SPOT. HAHAHA, GOTCHU.

Among other highly unconvincing arguments for the G-spot’s non-existence, the literature review also argues that a certain “thick, detailed book” only makes “a passing mention of the G-spot” and therefore “one can only infer that the G-spot, if it does indeed exist, is devoid of importance in the female orgasm.” One can only infer. Meanwhile, HuffPo is making some rad blanket statements…

Neglecting the clitoris and emphasizing the G-spot may be why so many women don’t orgasm.

This sounds like a thing you should nod in agreement about, but please don’t. Yes, the G-spot is sometimes put on a pedestal. Yes, some people believe that vaginal orgasms should be easy and therefore don’t focus on exploring clitoral ones. But there are about a thousand other reasons “many women don’t orgasm,” including moronic sex partners having no goddamn patience, or sex ed never mentioning any sort of pleasure anatomy. To continually push the G-spot as the cause of all our sexual shortcomings is ludicrous.

Despite previous studies, the researchers say the vagina has no anatomical relationship with the clitoris. They write: “The correct and simple anatomical term to describe the cluster of erectile tissues (i.e. clitoris, vestibular bulbs and pars intermedia, labia minora, and corpus spongiosum of the female urethra) responsible for female orgasm, is ‘female penis.'”

This is the precise moment that broke me. The sentence that so infuriated me I opened the WordPress dashboard and started verbally ejaculating this post. Female penis?! FEMALE PENIS. I can’t. Defining vulvar anatomy in relation to penises: STOP. The literature review also reads: “Moreover, the ‘clitoral complex’ cannot be analogous to the male penis: there is no vagina in the male penis!” Exclamation points!

While the concept of a “female penis” may sound strange, the clitoris and penis have quite a few similarities when it comes to sexual pleasure, starting with their shape (see the illustration above), and that increased blood flow causes their spongy tissues to engorge as orgasm approaches. The problem is, much of the unerect clitoris isn’t visible — it may be up to 9 centimeters long, according to a seminal paper on the clitoris published by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell in 1998.

The inclusion of this tidbit of fairly-well-agreed-upon science, that of the internal clitoris, is particularly hilarious because if you read the actual literature review this article is based on? The researchers claim, IN THE FOURTH SENTENCE OF THE ABSTRACT, that “the internal/inner clitoris does not exist: the entire clitoris is an external organ.” Again, because semantics. But I guess that didn’t fit the narrative HuffPo wanted.

We’re nearing the end of the article and yet somehow a factoid about G-spot-enhancing medical procedures has not been included, so com’n, author, shove one in wherever you want.

Doctors offer G-spot-enhancing procedures, a practice Jeffrey Spike, a bioethicist at Florida State University’s College of Medicine, equated with “medical fraud” in a 2007 interview, adding that “the G-spot belongs in the same category as angels and unicorns.” (The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists also called out these procedures for the lack of data on efficacy and safety.)

Apparently the G-spot cannot exist if we are to shun the medical enhancement of it. Or something. I don’t know. Also the sensation of my G-spot being stimulated is kinda like angels singing.

The end of the article is near, and the author hunts for a fitting conclusion. The literature review, again, is too dry, not punchy enough, and reading it for quotes would take too long. Anti-G-spot advocate from TV? Play us out!

As for the women who do claim to achieve orgasm from “G-spot” stimulation? More power to you, Saltz said (well, in a nutshell). But she also said that being so singularly goal-oriented toward orgasm may not be the most direct route to pleasure.

“The way that we talk about it in society, many women feel that [orgasm] is what they’re supposed to do and that that would be the supreme success of the encounter,” Saltz said. “But most women do report that it’s the closeness; it’s the shared intimacy; and, of course, the physical arousal is pleasurable by itself.”

. . .”The G-spot is an issue and there are definitely people who feel strongly that it’s real,” Saltz said. “But I think that women who are fairly sexually educated know that their clitoris is where it’s at, so to speak.”

Let’s all start a slow clap for Miss Saltz. She literally just tried to argue that folks should not prioritize a specific type of pleasure, yet here she is, telling us that anyone who prioritizes the G-spot is sexually uneducated, because the “clitoris is where it’s at.” I expect nothing less from a person who has authored books entitled Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back and Anatomy of a Secret Life: Are the People in Your Life Hiding Something You Should Know?. This lady is really into lies, so it only makes sense that she loves the lie of the mythological G-spot.

And she’s great at spouting conclusive-sounding quotes. So HuffPo is happy.

So what have we learned, class?

  • Don’t believe the panicked headlines. The G-spot is alive and well.
  • The author of the article likely has never done any significant research into the history of the G-spot and studies about it until 6 hours ago. But as media consumers in our culture, they know the narrative they should follow — and by god, they’re gonna follow it.
  • Consider the source and read closely to uncover biases, particular wording, and distracting quotes from only marginally-related sources.
  • If you don’t have time to read the study itself, do not share the article or absorb it into your consciousness.
  • If you do have time to read the study itself, remember that researchers have biases too — and literature reviews love to cherry-pick data.
  • Most G-spot studies nowadays are arguing semantics.
  • Any study disregarding the actual sexual experiences of people with vaginas is bullshit.

And fuck, if you have a vagina, trust your body above all. Unlike most researchers, I come from the place of having actual physical experience with the G-spot. Until about age 20, I had no opinion about it whatsoever. When I discovered sex toys, I leisurely looked for it. Then I felt the rumblings of G-spot stimulation, so I thrusted faster, and I squirted. I’ve loved G-spot stimulation ever since, and routinely insist that my sex toys stroke the fuck out of my G-spot.

And I’ve felt the G-spot of someone else. Fingers in their vagina, I’ve felt the unique corrugated texture and listened as they instructed me to press harder, curl my fingers more. I’ve witnessed the pleasure wash over their body, and it is familiar to me, because I’ve felt it myself — almost every time I use an insertable sex toy.

That is not a bias. It’s not a delusion. That is a fact.

The G-spot is not a hoax invented by heathens to shame people for the kind of pleasure they experience. It is an actual area in the vagina (commonly known as the urethral sponge) that causes sensation when touched a certain way. Some people like the sensation, some hate it, some are indifferent. People vary. Responses vary. Responses vary over time, in different situations, with different toys and techniques. People are, if you can believe it, nuanced.

But not enjoying G-spot stimulation, not liking the word G-spot, or not believing in the G-spot does not will it out of existence. Nor does writing clickbaity headlines.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have a great need to squirt all over the floor.