Jan 292014
 

Unique CondomJust as I am not a lube connoisseur, I am also not a condom connoisseur. I haven’t tried a ton of them and don’t feel strongly about any particular brand.

So when I was contacted by Unique Condom, I thought it would be best if I enlisted the help of friends, fellow bloggers, and brave souls who follow me on Twitter. Plus, it would create a sample size of humans that would be hard to discount. Yep — on this one, you can’t just blame my picky vagina (although I know how much you guys love my vagina).

The Unique Condom is a non-latex (synthetic polyethylene resin) condom that comes in a credit card sized package. It’s $7.99 for the 3-pack, or about $2.66 per condom, making it more expensive than most condoms but not quite as expensive as internal condoms. The Unique Condom claims to be thinner and stronger than a latex condom, with easier application due to its pull tabs (that are supposed to pop off once you finish unrolling).

One of my friends gave me their leftover Unique Condom to try, but it wouldn’t unroll — it was tangled in itself, and my boyfriend made this horrible yet sadly familiar wincing face as I attempted to apply it to his penis. I think fate was trying to tell me something. Also, the condom literally looks like a curled Q-tip wrapped in saran wrap. This does nothing to assuage my fears about effectiveness, which is not mentioned anywhere on Unique’s website.

But don’t let me sway you! The following people did much more thorough testing than I, and we are forever indebted to them and their heroism. Please enjoy, and for those keeping track on your scorecards…

People who enjoyed the condom: 25%

People who likened the condom to a plastic bag or saran wrap: 75%

People who used the word “crinkly”: 44%

People who complained that the pull tabs make it hard to apply when drunk: 13%

People who felt that the existence of this condom proved that the universe and/or a deity hates them: 13%

LET’S DO THIS.

Wyatt Riot (@fruitcakeriot)

Glob of vaseline on Unique Condom — photo by Wyatt RiottThe only thing I could think of when I saw the condom after I unrolled it (with their weird plastic-wrap-like tabs on the condom) was that there was a GLOB OF VASELINE on it! As if that was an adequate personal lubricant — I don’t want any petroleum jelly in my genitals, nor does my partner. Where did that leave us? NOT FUCKED. No thanks, UNIQUE CONDOMS.

[Note from Epiphora: I've been told that Unique will be swapping out the vaseline for silicone lube.]

Heather (@FiberistaFiles)

Unique Condoms are definitely different, if by “different” one means odd and awkward.

To begin with, the material they are made from, Synthetic Resin AT-10, is essentially plastic wrap. It sounds and feels exactly like the shrink wrap you have in your kitchen cupboards. Secondly, three condoms are packaged in a plastic harness with sticker pull tabs that are nearly impossible to get a hold of. Once you get the package open, there’s the condom, squished into the shape of a q-tip with pull tabs. It opens into a round shape easily, but then you have to use the tabs like the plastic pieces that cover the sticky parts of a band-aid. This requires coordination, lest the tabs’ shrink-wrappiness grab hold of any and all short hairs in the vicinity.

Which brings me to the last, and most salient point — Unique condoms completely deaden all sensation, for both partners. Not joking — neither I nor my husband could feel anything. We had to visually ascertain that we had even achieved penetration.

Lucas Brooks (@Top2Bottom)

First off, I want to say that putting on a condom has never been so fun. I dare say putting this thing on was almost as enjoyable as popping bubble wrap, and that’s something serious. I had concerns about how crinkly it was, but I found the condom to be perfectly fine in terms of comfort. The thinness wasn’t mindblowingly noticeable, but it felt good. It wasn’t until after I used it that I discovered it was lubricated with Vaseline, which for sex educators is a serious no-no (the human body doesn’t shed oil-based products when used internally, which can lead to infection.) This is a problem that can be easily remedied, however, and I hope Unique will consider a water- or silicone-based alternative.

Navigator (@FS_Navigator)

Unique Condom on Vixen Johnny — photo by NavigatorThe first one got stuck and wouldn’t go down past the head no matter what we tried. When we got the second one on, my partner looked semi-disgusted and said “oh my god, it feels like a sandwich bag.” Intercourse was attempted for about forty-five seconds before I was actually wincing and my partner stopped and said, “okay, I will do literally anything if you will just take this fucking thing off me.” The feeling was mutual.

This thing takes me back to my younger days when I covered my toys in saran wrap, and the scraped walls of my vagina are glad to be rid of it. It’s loose, nowhere near adequately lubricated, and… crinkly. To top the whole thing off, it’s also short, and won’t cover the last half inch of my partner’s equipment (6 1/2″).

Sarah at Marvelous-Darling.com (@marvydarling)

I have some choice words about these Unique Condoms.

Who seriously thought it was a good idea to manufacture condoms that apparently require a full page of illustrated instructions? I read the instructions, but I still was slightly puzzled and second guessing myself when I actually opened the package.

After reading the justifications for the shenanigans Unique Condoms was about to put me through, I was skeptical. First, there’s the thinness issue. It’s supposed to be exceptionally thin and “more sensitive than latex.” I hate that claim. Everyone makes that claim. Sure, it’s pretty thin, but it certainly did not enable us to get lost in the moment. It made crackling sounds inside my vagina. My vagina is not full of Pop Rocks, nor is it a festive Christmas fire over which I’m roasting chestnuts, so it really ought not crackle. Ever. It’s a little distracting, and caused such bad chafing that I had to throw in the towel.

When I made my partner pull out, he took one look at his Unique-clad penis and exclaimed, “It’s like a plastic bag!” Indeed, there was a visible seam running along the head, which was made more apparent by how much air had somehow entered the condom and puffed it up. Final verdict? Unique, yes, but not in a good way.

Everyone else who had to try this monstrosity has my sympathy. Maybe we should form a support group.

(Read Sarah’s more in-depth review here.)

Kara_Sutra (@Kara_Sutra)

What’s worse than having sex with crinkly dried out saran wrap fitted over a dick lubed with Vaseline? Having sex with a Unique condom.

In all my years using protection (17 to be exact) these were THE WORST condoms I’ve ever tried. Sure, the ‘pull tabs’ make putting them on quick but doing so in the dark, while intoxicated, was a futile attempt. If I didn’t know better I’d think the universe was punishing me for something.

Also, the pull tab concept is not ‘new’; Sensis did them way back in 2009, and way better. These tabs are like someone got a little crafty with plastic bags cut into strips, a label maker, and clear drying self adhesives. I swear there’s an Etsy for this shit.

All things considered, I get what they’re trying to do and I appreciate the effort, but I’d happily spend a little more (less in most cases) for non-latex condoms made by ANYBODY else. At $7.99 for 3, Unique just isn’t worth the time or hassle.

Amie (@q_amie)

Unique Condom packaging — photo by AmieI (cis-female) arrived at my (cis-male) boyfriend’s house after returning from a short holiday interstate. Souvenirs were dispensed, clothes were removed, got down to business. We both squinted at the credit card-shaped package for a minute. Happily, it was easily applied by me, one who frequently struggles with foreskins and latex condoms. It lubed up fine, tasted of nothing.

Soon we were distracted, but when we’d finished, I asked him what he thought. “It was weird. But not ‘bad weird.’” Those were my thoughts too. Outside of me, it felt a little crinkly, like a mixture of cellophane and cling wrap. But inside my vagina, it felt fine: more like slightly wrinkled skin than the rubbery feel of latex.

Warning: Boyfriend didn’t pull out as soon as he came, contrary to the condom’s instructions. His penis was getting soft when he pulled out, and the condom slipped off more easily than a latex one would. Overall, for me, more pleasant than latex. For him, perhaps a little more sensation. We will use them again!

Alyssa (@alyssalene)

I liked the concept of this condom, but it missed the mark. We tested this condom during blowjobs, missionary, girl on top, and doggy style.

The positives: The condoms are tasteless, nearly odorless, stay put during vigorous intercourse, and contain semen very well. My partner reported that sensation was comparable to other condoms.

The negatives: Application is reminiscent of of that of a band-aid and cannot be easily accomplished in some common fucking circumstances, such as in the dark or while drunk. The pull tabs pissed me off with their unnecessary existence and the four resulting tinyclingysticky pieces of trash per condom. A thick circular seam around the reservoir hits the back of my throat and vulva uncomfortably and my partner reported reduced sensation in tip of the penis. Blowing this is like deep throating a ziploc bag. During vaginal sex, even with lots of Sliquid lube reapplied frequently, I was too distracted to be able to orgasm and was sore afterward. This condom will not be getting anywhere near my butt.

Overall, it is not comfortable to be fucked with this condom. The only sexy feature is the slick packaging design.

JoEllen Notte, The Redhead Bedhead (@bedheadtweeting)

I’ve been hearing everyone bitching about hating these and frankly I can’t relate at all — I freaking LOVE Unique condoms and so does my partner. Why? They feel like you aren’t using a condom at all. They kind of shrink wrap the penis (and according to my partner take a minute to warm up) so you really feel it rather than the condom. The strips made application super-easy (I have shaky hands) and pop right off. I adore these and want many, many more.

Notes:

  • They are different than other condoms so if your inclination is to look at anything different and immediate mock it and/or seethe with rage, these aren’t for you. You will have to be willing to, you know, try something new.
  • It is important to apply them to a DRY penis. We used one after an enthusiastic blow job and noticed it slipping down.
  • They do have vaseline on them. I used first them and read later. I’m not loving that fact. Seriously, why vaseline?
  • The website is terrible. Like, really bad.

Queeraschino Cherry (@Queeraschino)

Crunchwrap Supreme — photo by Queeraschino CherryIf you’ve said to yourself, “God, I wish I could shrink wrap my dick in Saran Wrap so me and my partner will not get off at all,” then blessed be this product. The ugliest fucking thing I’ve put in me since prom. And in case you like your awful sex with a side of burning infection, Unique comes coated in VASELINE. It’s bad enough the bike tassels that hang off the sides didn’t pull off the first time I used it. Oh yeah it also sounds crunchy. It’s like fucking a hard shell taco for 20 minutes.

Just what I need: a burning, shriveled, Crunchwrap Supreme of a condom, complete with little curly sideburns like an Orthodox Jew. When I see products like these, I can only wonder: Why does God hate us? Why?

Justin Alves (@Princelymatters)

The Unique condom was aptly named, it has a different application process than “traditional condoms,” using an applicator tab, or as they refer to it, a pull system. Since it’s made of synthetic resin the Unique condom was ultra thin and allowed for a lot of sensation. I will say that I actually found the condom to be a bit loud while being used, and there was definitely a bit of a learning curve with putting it on.

That being said, I do have two concerns about this product: how the condom is being applied and its lubricant. Since you are using both hands to pull the condom on you don’t have a free had to pinch the reservoir tip. This could lead to increased risk of the condom being ineffective since if/when there is ejaculation there is nowhere for it to go. The condom also comes lubricated with vaseline, which could make folks more susceptible to internal infections.

Overall, the Unique condom does what it set out to do: be a thin condom with a different application process. It’s definitely a great choice for anyone who has a latex allergy or someone who wants something they can safely carry in their wallet.

Elena Kate at RadSexPDX.com (@RadSexPDX)

So, here’s the thing. Once you get over the fact that the thing that is about to enter your body is shrink-wrapped like the tofu kielbasas in the back of your fridge, it’s not so bad. Once you get over the fact that it crinkles like the wrappers of those mysterious red candies your grammy used to give you, it’s not so bad. Once you’ve been treated for the yeast infection that the petroleum jelly lubricant gave you, it’s not so bad. Am I willing to go through ANY of those things for sex that is “not so bad”? Absolutely not.

Oh and by the way, the Unique Condom must be applied to a DRY penis, so say goodbye to foreplay, or at least keep a designated saliva/lube/vag juice washcloth by the bed for some sultry dick-wiping.

Septimus (@SeptimusReviews)

Unique Condom on Vixen Leo — photo by SeptimusOh, I wanted to like the Unique Condoms, I really did. My husband and I were both very impressed with how easy these things are to use. We didn’t bother to read the page of instructions that came with them, and still managed to figure out how they worked (in the heat of the moment no less).

Now while I have to applaud anyone who’s out there working on how to make having safe sex the easy and simple thing to do, I cannot endorse these condoms. They are just too damn crinkly. I’ve never really noticed a condom during sex before, but when we used the Unique Condoms it just felt like there was a plastic bag moving around inside me. Not really pleasant or even slightly romantic. And the size seems to be all wrong too. My husband’s an averagely endowed guy, and the condom was clearly too big on him. Even on my Vixen Leo, it’s pretty baggy.

So, while I love the concept, I hate the execution. Sorry Unique, but keep trying!

He@ArousedDuo (@ArousedDuo)

With a name like “Unique,” 2 pages of instructions, and hyperbolic claims about not being able to see or feel it, this condom had a lot to live up to. For me, it didn’t. Feel it? Oh yes. See it? Absolutely. Also, while it may be “so thin” it sure didn’t feel that way.

The good: the condoms are packaged in, essentially, a credit card and putting one on using the applicator strips was like watching a magic trick up-close. The bad: the condoms come with nuclear launch code-like instructions for putting them on, they felt “crinkly”, didn’t stretch (too small), were thicker than other thin condoms I test drove, and it’s likely (happened to me) that removing one condom will open the covering of the adjacent one. Kudos for making condoms easier to carry, but I personally wouldn’t buy any.

Girly Juice (@Girly_Juice)

Pulling on the condoms with the newfangled tabs has a slight learning curve, but it’s easy once you know how. As with most non-latex condoms, these are noisier than latex but also don’t have that awful balloon smell.

It really “seals to a dry penis” like the marketing copy says, which is good for heat transfer and sensitivity (more sensation than Kimono Microthin, not quite as much as Crown Skinless Skin) but becomes a problem at removal time: my partner found it painful to peel the condom off his penis after sex.

The crinkly material creates a texture that feels friction-y for me, no matter how much lube we use. About 5 minutes of penetration produces so much vaginal rug-burn that we have to stop. Maybe there’s a way to master a perfectly smooth application for friction-free sex, but if we couldn’t do it, I don’t think most people could.

Anonomyss (@Anonomysstake)

I appreciated the easy mode of application, and I feel like this is a new breed of condoms that accommodate for multiple different sizes of penises (specifically in terms of girth) that doesn’t sensationalize big penises, which is really exciting. The material itself was a little iffy, it kind of felt like that new and improved plastic wrap that Glad came out with like 10 years ago, by which I mean that the texture was a little rough. The condom hugged my penis snugly, and felt comfortable during use, except I never really got used to this new texture. I think if I continued use I would though. Either way, I enjoyed the condom and want this company to continue building on this idea and upgrading it.

———

What about you? Would you try this condom of the future? There’s a 75% chance it will feel like fucking a Crunchwrap Supreme and sound like Pop Rocks, but there’s also a 25% chance that you’ll love applying it and it won’t feel like much at all. Me, I’ve learned a thing or two about statistics over the years, and seeing as there is no information about the Unique Condom’s effectiveness save for a money-back guarantee, I’ll pass. $7.99 doesn’t exactly cover an abortion.

Jan 252014
 

You may have heard — I’m going to CatalystCon East again this year.

What you may not know, and should know, is that the main reason I’m going is thanks to the generosity of my pals at SheVibe. They’re sponsoring me like the supportive badasses they are. Also, what you definitely don’t know is that while I’m there, I will be one of the interview subjects for Tristan Taormino’s Sex Out Loud radio show… in front of a live audience.

Oh god, it is going to be terrifying and exhilarating!

CatalystCon East 2014, plus SheVibe and Sex Out Loud radio!

I’m even on another panel again this time, but with some new friends: Queerie Bradshaw and Mona Darling. Our panel is called “The Business of Blogging About Sex” (#cconblog):

In this informative session, successful sex bloggers Lauren Marie Fleming, Epiphora, and Mona Darling will share with you the expertise they’ve amassed in their over 15 years combined experience blogging—plus how they turned their one-time hobbies into profitable online (and off-line) businesses.

We’ll discuss legal considerations for sex bloggers, such as which platforms are adult-friendly, how to create an LLC, and what to do if someone steals your content. We’ll also talk about how to get free products for review, accept paid ads, and become a master at affiliate marketing. Hear our tips for expanding your reach further with online classes, community sites, and smart social media tactics. Finally, learn how a blog can be a jumping-off point for speaking gigs and even book deals.

No incomprehensible gibberish about SEO in this session—audience members will leave with concrete ways to improve their presence and profit online.

As you may have guessed, I’ll be the one supplying the rabid thoughts about reviewing, ads, and affiliate marketing, and I’ll probably find a way to bitch about bad social media tactics, too. Each of us has a different forte, so I think it will be an informative, well-rounded session.

Other things that are gonna be awesome: “Sex Toys: Past, Present, & Future,” “Creating Change in the Sex Toy Industry,” and the Sex Writing 101 workshop with Rachel Kramer Bussell.

New friends I’m excited to meet include KaraLucas, Risa, Bex, Granville’s Bitch, and Victoria Reuveni. Old friends that I plan to squeeze until they pop include Kate SinclaireAerie, ArchVixen, Metis, Queeraschino (attending thanks to her charming-ass GoFundMe campaign video that I directed and edited — the bloopers are the best), Lorax of Sex, JoEllen, the entire SheVibe crewKate McCombs, Crista AnneAshley Manta, and Elena. Did I miss anyone!?

My flight and room are booked, so it’s official that I’ll be there from Wednesday, March 12th through Monday, March 17th. I’m not saying you should get there early just to hang out with me… NO, YEAH, I AM. Come hang out. And if you see anyone from SheVibe, give them a hug or buy them a drink. They deserve it.

Jan 212014
 

We-Vibe Tango (blue) and Salsa vibratorsDude, man, guys, shit, dawg. Everyone loves the We-Vibe Tango. I’m totally late to the party. Then again, I was also late to anal beads, smartphones, and liking the Hitachi, so it’s not as if you should trust my timing on anything (except having an orgasm right when the corn dog timer goes off — I’m great at that.)

Other contenders have come and gone, but the fact remains: the We-Vibe Tango — and its sibling the Touch — are the strongest, rumbliest rechargeable vibrators out there for their size. Unlike most little rechargeable clit vibes, the Tango is made only of plastic. No silicone to cushion or buffer the sensation. Vibrations shine through loud and clear.

The Tango is also extremely versatile — capable of replacing many of the shitty shit bullets that come with other toys. Need that dildo to vibrate in a meaningful way? Want to buzz your genitals while wearing a harness? Looking for an upgrade to that butt plug? Call in the Tango.

But it has caveats that keep me from screaming BUY IT! BUY IT NOW! Some are specific to my masturbation style, but most are cold, hard facts. Serious facts that point to We-Vibe toys dying left and right, as if from a sickness.

First, my own shit: the Tango confirms a sea change for me. I used to be all about the little rechargeable clitoral vibrators. Blinders on, subscribing to some amorphous idea that clitoral equaled small, I was on a mission to find the best one. The We-Vibe Touch came close, with its power, but I docked points for its battery life and controls.

Now I’ve come to realize that perhaps the solution to my turmoil has been in front of my face all along: get a bigger vibrator, one with more space for a motor — and a handle to prevent my fingers from vibrating off. Which the Tango definitely attempts to do.1

So, the size of the Tango is no longer a selling point for my particular clitoris. And, okay, maybe I’m spoiled, but four steady vibration settings just seems half-assed.

Now, the unfortunate facts. The Tango is unreliable. It doesn’t hold a charge well, and I have had two We-Vibe toys permanently die on me. In both cases, the toy worked fine at first but then stopped taking a charge. To their credit, the folks at We-Vibe have been very accommodating, going above and beyond to give me tips and replace my poor dead toys. (Maybe they’re petrified of my wrath?)

But this is not an isolated incident. I’ve heard so many accounts of others experiencing the same issue where their We-Vibe Tangos, Touches, and Salsas die. This is a trend that cannot be glossed over. Even with as many as I own, I’ve never had a LELO toy die on me. Just, statistically, comparatively, We-Vibe toys are extremely unpredictable. A one-year warranty isn’t much solace.

Also, the gripes I had about the Touch still apply: crinkly storage bag, maddening one-button interface, charging light fit for a dollhouse, finicky magnetic charging, can’t be locked for travel, notoriously only lasts 35-55 minutes on a charge. Like, I can easily exhaust the toy’s charge in a single masturbation session. Is it wrong to expect more?

When the Tango works, it’s fabulous. It’s everything people have said: strong, rumbly, worthy of getting me off in even the toughest of situations. The tip is excellent because I can use the flat part or turn it around for something even more pinpoint.2

I still like the Touch better — although a little less intense, it’s easier to hold and the silicone appeals to my clitoris — but the beauty of the Tango is that you can hack other toys with it. As a substitute for that shitty watch-battery bullet you hate, it will fit into:

And it is the only rechargeable toy that can do all of those things.

Still, I find it hard to make a steadfast determination about the We-Vibe Tango. I love it when it works; I hate it when it dies mid-jack-off or when I see yet another person tweet about theirs biting the dust. For the sake of what little moral integrity I have left, I cannot heartily endorse the Tango. But I can’t deny that when I’m vulva-deep in porn, stuffing myself with a dildo and pressing the Tango firmly to my clit, I want to.

Get the We-Vibe Tango at SheVibe, Good Vibes,
Early to Bed, Babeland, or Lovehoney (international).

Or the We-Vibe Touch can be found at SheVibeGood Vibes,
Early to BedBabeland, or Lovehoney (international).

  1. This can be rectified if you are crafty: ArchVixen used a sliced up bunny sleeve to fashion a grip, or you can use a Tantus Little Secret or Rocks Off sleeve. []
  2. Sidenote about the tip: it has a tiny circular nick in it. This is present in all Tangos. I cannot feel it in use. []
Jan 112014
 

Whipspider Rubberworks logo

Want a fantastical dildo in the shape of a unicorn horn or tentacle? It may be your last chance.

Even I may be late to this announcement, but it appears that Maine-based Whipspider Rubberworks is dying and/or dead. SheVibe tried to place a re-stock order with them last April, and haven’t heard from them since. Whipspider’s Etsy store is empty and they haven’t posted on Facebook or Twitter since March. I emailed them but have not heard back. It is looking grim.

Whipspider Rubberworks Tentacle dildoThis is really upsetting because there is no other company quite like Whipspider. Their 100% silicone designs are colorful, whimsical, and incredibly detailed. You can tell that a lot of love goes into them — which makes sense, as they’re just a tiny 3-friend operation.

Whipspider made the gorgeous Jellyfish, which I love, the Tentacle, which I hate (my never-to-be-finished review consisted solely of these lines: “The Jellyfish works because liberties were taken with the subject animal to make the sex toy version compatible with the human body. The Tentacle, though, will fulfill only your fantasies of being teased mercilessly by a sea creature”), the Mantoy, which I’m indifferent about, and the Screw, which I like but haven’t used a ton.

They even made things that didn’t make much damn sense, like vibrating beetles and orchids. But that was Whipspider — they went out on a limb didn’t follow anybody’s rules.

Whipspider Mantoy, Sara the Playing Mantis, Island Explorer, Wave, Screw, Unicorn, Slender Tentacle, Ghost

SheVibe, to my knowledge, is the only online store that still carries Whipspider (other than Whipspider’s own site, which I have no experience with and which has an expired security certificate…), so if there’s one you’ve been wanting, you best be picking it up now. You can’t have the last Ghost because, uh, I bought it. What’s left:

* I have insider knowledge that there is only one left of each of these. Don’t delay if you love praying mantises or unicorns.

I hope that I’m wrong, and perhaps Whipspider will get a second wind like Jollies did. But I’m not counting on it. This much radio silence does not bode well.

It’s so sad to see such a wonderful, creative company joining the ranks of other fallen sex toy manufacturers such as Ophoria, Papaya Toys (which SheVibe also still carries, but I’m pretty sure they’re kaput), Phallix, and Penetralia. I guess, when you’re around as long as I’ve been, this is destined to happen. But it still fucking sucks.

Jan 052014
 

Yes, we play with dildos, but not in the way you think…

Yes, we ride sex machines, but it is not very sexual. I just want to share the wealth that is the Sybian, and everyone’s curious about whether it feels like $1,300 of awesome. For many of my sex blogger friends, I am given the distinct honor and privilege of controlling the dial while they ride. I can now die happy.

We all agree that there is a point, somewhere after about 60% power, where we start to feel like we need to poop. That’s also the point at which Queeraschino starts yowling, “I haaaaate it!” But Redhead Bedhead is not phased…

We start a Sybian guestbook and everyone records their experiences. Queeraschino, missing not a single beat, runs into my kitchen, flings open my freezer, and returns with a bag of peas for her crotch.

Queeraschino holding peas on her crotch post-Sybian The Sybian guestbook — what's your number?
Each of us reports our favorite setting on the Sybian — or as Aerie calls them, our “sleep numbers”:

Yes, we get naked, but that’s only because we Skype Lorax in from their atomic green bathtub, drinking an entire bottle of sparkling cider and showing off the horrifying Eiffel Tower dildo, and because I have to loan Aerie my pajama pants during her ride on the Sybian because jeans are not appropriate Sybian-riding attire.

Yes, we give each other “inappropriate” gifts, but we also give each other burrito earrings and special instant cameras and strange Japanese “point brushes” that will be perfect for cleaning ornery seams in sex toys.

Japanese "point brush" getting right in the seam on my LELO Soraya

Yes, we play games, but when we play Cards Against Humanity, we tweak the black cards to read “what’s worse than the iGino?”, “what did EdenFantasys airdrop to all the sex bloggers?” (Winner: A web of lies), and “what is arousing to the CEO of Pipedream?” (Winner: Fabricating statistics). We call my boyfriend in to fact check whether it is actually possible to get so angry you pop a boner. He claims no.

DICK COOKIES! Dildos chilling amongst the smogasbord
Yes, we snack (Redhead supplies what is now her signature fishbowl drink — complete with gummy sharks), but when Queeraschino brings in a plate of dick cookies and I comment on how small they are, she yells, “everyone’s DIFFERENT, Epiphora!” We also invent Rumosas™. This has nothing to do with being a sex blogger, but everything to do with being geniuses. It sounds disgusting, right, but it is NOT. Fact: Rumosas taste better when imbibed out of Babeland mugs.

Yes, dildos are everywhere, standing proudly on the coffee table among the crackers, cookies, drinks, and dips. Everyone brings a few toys for comparison purposes, for squeezing and for mocking. ArchVixen’s Cadet in particular is a hit. Fittingly, the shitty toys end up falling into a somewhat shitty 3-layer dip. But they’re silicone, so, easily cleaned. (Eventually.)

Shitty toys falling into dip: NS Novelties Decollér, Pleasure Works Butterfly Bliss, Fun Factory Ocean

NS Novelties DecollérPleasure Works Butterfly BlissFun Factory Ocean

Yes, we chat about sex things — without hesitation or preface, we compare sex toy experiences and vagina facts — but when our conversation devolves from the lack of racial diversity in our city to Queeraschino’s “name your favorite Jew” giveaway to this…

…we make sure to tweet about it. There is lots and lots of tweeting, photo-taking, and phone-gazing, and nobody ever scolds anyone else for not “living in the moment.” Because that is how we live in the moment. In our own strange little bubble of sex blogger normal.

Dec 312013
 

2013 was a good year. I attended CatalystCon East AND CatalystCon West (even doing a panel), hit 500 postsbecame a superhero, conducted my most elaborate April Fool’s joke ever, and oh yeah, I was gifted a $1,345 Sybian. I spilled my guts about the horrible sex toys I used to lust afterwhy I hate pink, and why I think sex toys should not be called “pleasure objects.” I wrote my epic beginner’s guide to sex toy reviewing and gave you a peek into my life as a sex toy reviewer.

But most of all, I tried heaps of new sex toys and brought my wrath down upon them. The majority of the stuff I tried this year can be pretty firmly classified as either “really awesome” or “really horrible,” which worked out well for these yearly lists.

As in 2010,  2011, and 2012, I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out faux awards such as “Most Heinous Controls” and “I Risked My Life For You; You Are Welcome.” PLUS, I’ve added a new award this year: “Stupid Sex Toy Trend of the Year.”

Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year!

Best sex toys of 2013

Epiphora's best sex toys of 2013

  1. Jopen Key Comet G Wand — Prophetically, I wrote in my review of this dildo, “[it] has a very good chance of being the best sex toy I try all year.” Well, NAILED IT. Nothing came close to the G-spot majesty of the Comet G Wand.
  2. Fun Factory Stronic Eins — A very close second, this toy is also an awesome G-spotter. Because it thrusts back and forth on its own, it does most of the work for me. I find myself craving it often.
  3. LELO Mona 2 — This is totally cheating, since Mona was on last year’s best of 2012 list, but this is my list and I’ll do what I want, because I did not find a new clitoral vibrator that trumped the Mona in 2013. I continued to use the Mona religiously, and in fact I added a line to my bio which reads: “When not smashing out paragraphs for this blog, I can be found working on the floor at a local sex toy boutique, making it my personal mission to sell as many Mona 2s as possible.” Truth.
  4. (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original — 2013 was the year I finally “got” the Hitachi. After my first one gathered enough dust to throw anyone into a sneezing fit, I acquired the new and slightly-improved version and promptly became quite addicted to it. I now have one Hitachi next to my desk, and another next to my bed. As it should be.
  5. Vixen Creations Buck — Rounding out my extensive collection of VixSkin, Buck turned out to be one of the best I’ve tried. I called it “the Goldilocks of VixSkin dildos” because the girthy body and gentle G-spotting head are just right. (I still love you, Mustang and Maverick!)
  6. Eroscillator 2 Plus — This year, I tried the less expensive and less strong version of my beloved Eroscillator, and found that it was still worthy of recommendation. Good news for wallets everywhere, and a reminder of how goddamn much I love my Eroscillator.
  7. LELO Mia 2 — Although I was disappointed with the marketing of the Mia 2, this USB-rechargeable vibe remains a favorite for sneaky wanks and traveling.
  8. Fleshlight Flight (not pictured) — Fleshlight’s smallest sleeve yet was a hit. If you don’t need the extra inches (and ounces) that the regular Fleshlights boast, it’s a great choice. And cheaper, too.
  9. Honorable mention: Silver Bullet — I tried this to see if I wanted to put it in my holiday gift-giving guide, and it turned out to be the solid, inexpensive toy I hoped it would be. For $16, it’s hard to beat.

Worst sex toys of 2013

Epiphora's worst sex toys of 2013

  1. LELO Ida — I knew this one had to take the #1 spot. It’s the only toy on the list that caused me physical pain and made my boyfriend want to break up with me.
  2. Jopen Vanity VR1 Not only did it completely fail at the “exciting” thing it was supposed to do (vibrate when I squeezed it with my PC muscles), the retrieval string came out of its socket after very light use. I can think of few things that are more of a waste of $135.
  3. Shiri Zinn Cupcake Always the trooper, I tried this confection-shaped vibrator solely to make sure it sucked. It sucks. Oh my god, it sucks.
  4. Wake-Up Vibe I discovered that I actually do not want a big bulky thing hanging out in my underwear, no matter how much it promises to wake me up with vibrations. Also, it bit the dust for no apparent reason.
  5. iGino One — This crowdfunded disaster is equipped with a pink, flower-shaped head and the tagline “What Women Want.” I do not think the creators of this toy have ever met a woman?
  6. Lovehoney Flash — This sad little toy reminded me of how horrible buzzy vibrations can be. I likened it to bees stuck in a gourd, which may have been good enough for Cleopatra — but not me.
  7. Topco U Touch Side — Bigwig Topco’s attempt at a rechargeable toy featured a shape stolen from another company and “touch sensitive” controls that responded roughly 3% of the time.
  8. Revel Body — With loud, public cries of “revolutionary!” and claims of being better than all other vibrators, the Revel Body was poised to fall far. And fall it did, earning a nickname along the way: “Shit Orb.” It’s like a grotesque eyeball staring at you!
  9. Lovehoney Mini Magic Wand — Much like the Flash, the vibrations in this toy were so buzzy I could barely derive any pleasure from them.
  10. LELO Smart Wands — These promising poor souls were ruined by a glitch that causes the vibrations to randomly drop down to a lower intensity out of nowhere. Orgasm ruiners are not allowed around these parts.
  11. LELO Luna Beads Mini — I really could not feel them inside of me. At all.

The Ends Justify the Means

(My favorite review of the year.)

Revel Body AKA "Shit Orb"

This was a hard choice, and the world is still divided on whether this is the best one, or whether the iGino, Ida, or Cupcake wins. But I have a fond place in my heart for the Revel Body review because I wrote most of it at Queeraschino’s house in a delightful, fiery rage after the CEO of the company threatened to sue me over calling the toy “Shit Orb” on Twitter. (The scandal!)

What made the review better, of course, was the aftermath: the CEO jumping into the comments section to make an ass out of himself, the suspicious Twitter account that popped up to “refute” my review (with a profile photo stolen from a site called Average Woman), and eventually, the eerie silence that comes from a company finally realizing they should just shut the fuck up.

My favorite part of the Shit Orb review was this paragraph:

Good god, I feel like I have a terrorist in my midst. An egomaniacal terrorist who purports to be my friend but gets drunk and makes extremely insensitive jokes about “disabled persons” at parties. A terrorist who is secretly stealing all my money and wiping all the data off my computer. How can my vulva be safe? Oh wait, it’s not — it has loose skin and hairs!

But I did like these other moments throughout the year…

I feel pretty strongly that if a sex toy cannot handle my uterine lining, it is not “what women want.”

iGino One review

I even, one brave brave night, set out five VixSkin dildos for comparison purposes. Because what is a sex toy reviewer if not a vaginal endurance champ who uses sex toys in succession as if sampling a plate of cheeses?

Vixen Buck review

Other bloggers experience loud vaginas when wearing the Luna Beads Mini. I don’t. At first I thought that other reviewers had echo chambers for vaginas, but then I realized (and verified with LELO) that the design has changed . . . I even did some extreme naked pelvic thrusting toward my phone’s microphone to be sure. I’d upload it, but it’s just 16 seconds of phone movement and mouth-breathing.

LELO Luna Beads Mini review

The Flash is the very definition of buzzy. And so, I resent it as much for its objective qualities as I do for what it represents. Like American Cheese and Hostess Fruit Pies trying to pass themselves off as food, like Exodus International’s notion that gay people can be “cured,” the Flash should not be disseminating the idea that this is what a vibrator is.

Lovehoney Flash review

Then I look down and I’m holding a fucking cupcake against my vulva and that’s just embarrassing.

Cupcake review

I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now.

. . .  he looked at me with pained eyes: “can we be done?” Cruelly, I told him to try to come, since he had been so close before Ida was introduced. But before he could attempt that, his penis slipped out and we looked at each other like fuck it.

Afterward, I apologized. (This would become a trend.) “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s not like I thought it would be any good.”

LELO Ida review

The cord isn’t any longer, which is a shame. The 6 feet work perfectly for my jacking-off-at-my-desk set-up, but will still be a dilemma for people who masturbate upon tall beds or away from outlets. (I just pictured someone going to a coffee shop to use their Hitachi. For the outlets.)

Hitachi Magic Wand Original review

Hardest to Wrangle

(My most difficult review to write.)

LELO Mia 2 in the Adore Me Pleasure Set

LELO made it hard for me when they sent me the Mia 2, because they sent it as part of a set containing shitty and overpriced bondage gear. Also, the Mia 2 is not much of an improvement over what I now call the Mia 1.5. How does one articulate that a toy is still good while expressing extreme disappointment in the marketing tactics? I am not sure I succeeded, and I’m fairly certain this review continues to scare people away from the Mia — which is not what I wanted to do.

Honorable mention: I tried to ignore the fact that I even had the Wake-Up Vibe in my possession… but then the truth caught up with me.

I Risked My Life for You; You Are Welcome

(A toy that caused pain, night sweats, disillusionment, etc.)

LELO Ida vibrator

I risked my relationship for you, peeps. My boyfriend feared me every time I opened my mouth, thinking I was going to make him test the LELO Ida with me again. But also — it physically hurt in ways that made me wish I was not a sex toy reviewer:

Once, I warmed up with some fairly large toys first, which made insertion easier — and thrusting slightly more achievable. My boyfriend was pain-free and almost didn’t want to murder me in my sleep, but there was still this sharp, unpleasant pain for me, and I couldn’t pinpoint where it was.

Honorable mention: The new Tantus paddles. Wooo, boy, the pain! I know, that’s the point, but I don’t suggest nonchalantly thwacking yourself with them like I did.

Cats’ Choice

G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop

My cat’s favorite thing on earth is plastic. Especially crinkly plastic. So the plastic bits that came shrink-wrapped to the J-Pop were, according to him, THE BEST PRESENT EVERRRRRR.

Honorable mention: I got a couple small things from Sportsheets, like nipple clamps and bondage wrap, and my cat thought the plastic bags in those were also THE GREATEST. (He, unlike me, is easily pleased.)

Biggest Disappointment

LELO Smart Wands

If successful, the LELO Smart Wands would’ve been the rechargeable wands to rule them all. But instead, they do not feel ergonomic, they don’t hold their charges, and they crap out right when things are getting good. LELO needs to stop trying to make “innovative” things and focus on making solid, dependable vibrators. I know they’re capable of it, so this is just upsetting.

Honorable mention: I was hoping to laugh maniacally at my ability to persuade someone to send me super luxurious bedsheets, but instead the sheets were mediocre as fuck. Damnit.

When I Use This Toy, My Desire to Throw It Across Room Rises Exponentially With Each Passing Minute

GONNA HAVE TO GO WITH THE IGINO ON THIS ONE, for the sole reason demonstrated in the above video. It sounds like a goddamn electric razor. It can get me off, but definitely isn’t any fun getting there.

Honorable mention: The LELO Ida, of course. There was definitely a moment at which it was vigorously tossed away from me.

Most Heinous Controls

Topco U Touch Side vibrator

The Topco U Touch Side would be hard to top, considering:

It’s nearly impossible to turn it on or off. Full stop. It will take you between 1 and 19 attempts. I’m not being hyperbolic. I did tests, excruciating tests, and it averaged out to about 6 presses. Remember, this is a double press, using two hands. Who the fuck has two hands free when they’re masturbating? What kind of monsters did they design this for?

This is especially awesome when you start cycling through the settings and find yourself in vibration pattern purgatory, unable to halt or change the mode. Sweating profusely and suffering from hallucinations, you’ll be on the brink of insanity when finally, after 8 attempts, the vibrator will finally turn off.

Honorable mention: Programming the Wake-Up Vibe, which runs on 24-hour time, was a test of my patience.

Stupid Sex Toy Trend of the Year

Aqueous Vibe

Water-powered sex toys.

So far I’ve been exposed to the Aqueous VibeWowerShower, Private Jet, G Splash, and ClitWafer. FIVE! I’d try them if I had any way of disassembling my shower head, but I do not. Somehow I doubt that, when I buy a house, any of these products will still be around for me to try. Too… bad?

Honorable mention: Acting like you’re the first person ever to manufacture body-safe, ergonomic sex toys.

Not at all honorable mention: Products that enable you to never talk to your partner ever again!

Manufacturer of the Year

Fun Factory logo

I’m gonna go with Fun Factory. Amid other claims of “revolutionary” new shit, they actually innovated with their Stronic line. I was worried, at first, that these would be better in theory, but they are actually wonderful in execution. Thank you, Fun Factory, for making something that lived up to the hype. It was a breath of fresh air for this jaded vagina.

———

There you have it! My favorites and least favorites of the past year. What about you? What was the best toy you discovered in 2013? The worst? Your favorite stupid sex toy trend?

Dec 272013
 

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ

iGino partying with a tequila shotWelcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER.

The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it would spook every human and animal within a 50-foot radius, and potentially get you arrested for disturbing the peace.

iGino is a horrible name for a sex toy. But then, it makes so much sense. The iGino would go clubbing. The iGino would drink shitty tequila. The iGino would say “YOLO.” The iGino would will throttle your clitoris while emitting guttural yells.

Resembling a deck of cards, a pack of cigarettes, or an iPhone with a hard-on, the iGino has the regrettable tagline “What Women Want.” I can only assume that the people behind iGino have only a cursory understanding of this, since their idea of “what women want” includes rampant pink, flower-shaped attachments, one speed, and a buzzing sound which I’m certain that, if endured for long enough, would induce psychopathy. You think I’m kidding, but I’m really not:

EDITED TO ADD this quote from my friend:

My partner was snoring, dead asleep late one night and I was reading your review from my phone, because I couldn’t sleep. I played the video and he slept through it until the iGino… he then bolted upright and was all bewildered trying to figure out what the noise was. Even more amusing, he has no memory of this happening because he went right back to sleep.

Funded a whopping 14% on Indiegogo, almost everything about the iGino comes with a trademark symbol after it, and almost all of it is a lie. The biggest, most egregious lie is the “technology” that they call “vibraMoove™.” (Of course. We must always come up with ridiculous code names for “technologies” now.) Supposedly, the nub on this toy mimics the movement of a finger.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

No.

All it does is move back and forth at a high velocity, so high that it simply feels like very strong vibrations. There is no human finger that could ever feel like this. The single-speed stimulation is extreme, it is intense, it makes me burn if I dare to use it directly on my clit. There is a COMPLETE LACK OF SUBTLETY, which is odd because I thought women were delicate little flowers? Get your story straight, iGino.

Orgasms with the iGino are like being on Solitary (one of the best most perverse reality shows ever), where you can’t vomit because if you do, “your body will have quit for you.” It’s like that, only with an orgasm. Your body surrenders to the stimulation, whether you like it or not. And trust me — you don’t like it. As The Redhead Bedhead put it:

This toy is like that dude you go home from a club with even though you know you aren’t into him and then you get off but you feel weird about it . . . I felt like this toy bullied my clitoris into an orgasm. After a few minutes I really didn’t want to get off with this toy, I didn’t want to give it the satisfaction, but my body betrayed me and I resented it.

And that, my friends, is why you may have heard, from a source or two, that the iGino is “okay” or “not bad.” Although it’s no better than any other one-speed vibrator, it’s on the end of the spectrum that’s strong enough to induce orgasm. Some people are swayed by orgasms. Stronger souls are not.

Text message from Lorax of Sex: "Just jimmied the toy cupboard open with a butter knife so that I wouldn't have to try and jack off with the iGino. I know you'll understand."

And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a one-speed vibrator, according to the people at iGino:

About the speed, you can feel different kinds of movement with and without the skintouch head on and you can consider that the “Vibramoove” allows to vary the intensity of the stimulation simply by changing the inclination of the contact surface. This is the reason why we don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.

We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.
We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.
We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

So yes, it comes with three flimsy light pink rings made out of ethylene vinyl acetate (EVA), which you may know as “that thin foam stuff that moms use in scrapbooking.” The ring sits between the nub and the body of the toy. This is their solution to the fact that there’s a hole between the nub and the body of the toy. Really. The thing is not waterproof or splashproof.

It also comes with a flower-shaped piece of foam — this is the famed “skinTouch head™.” Lie #532: it has “a skin-like finish and feel that is warm and soft to the touch.” Last I checked, foam is neither warm nor skin-like. Unless you only date scrapbooks.

EVA is also porous. So god forbid you use the iGino while on your period — the foam will be ruined. Sorry, woman, better go hide away in a cave somewhere until the world is ready for your repulsive self. I feel pretty strongly that if a sex toy cannot handle my uterine lining, it is not “what women want.” Hell, if the PVC Deen Peen could take it, the iGino should too. I’m a modern woman, and I expect to be able to heavily soil my sex toys and then scrub them sparkling clean afterward.

The only things I didn’t hate about the iGino were its shape (surprisingly easy to grasp) and its cover (even that has a stupid name — hyGienic cover™). Everything else I hated: the sound, the pink, the tagline, the single speed bullshit, the SOUND, the foam attachments, the 12-hour initial charging time, THAT FUCKING SOUND, and also — the orgasms.

Just accept it: the world has yet to create anything that truly feels like a finger or enhances fingers in any meaningful way. The closest approximations — SaSiIdaHello Touch, and Fukuoku — suuuuuck. The LELO Mia ($69) remains the best self-contained USB-rechargeable vibrator. The Wahl ($15) is the best, cheapest STRONG vibrator, and its gumdrop-shaped tip is similar to the iGino’s. The Eroscillator ($140) doesn’t feel like a finger, but the marshmallow attachment is squishy and the oscillating stimulation is unique.

The iGino, though, is just another crowdfunded nightmare. iGino One: If This Is What Women Want, I’m Handing Over My Gender Card.

Dec 212013
 

LELO Smart Wands: medium in foreground, large in backgroundUnreliable. That’s the word I’d use to describe the LELO Smart Wands. Not an adjective you want applied to any vibrator, but especially not an expensive one in a category of toy which is relied upon for quick, effortless orgasms. These so-called “Smart” Wands… are pretty dumb.

You can’t tell from that artsy-ass photo I took, but the medium Smart Wand is about half the size of the large one, at 9″ long and 1.7″ in diameter at the head, versus the large’s 12″ and 2.4″. The large comes in the most enormous LELO box I’ve ever seen. Both come with storage bags, but the medium gets the usual satin, while the large gets an odd neoprene that reminds me of knee pads.

Because there must always be a gimmick that nobody on earth actually needs, the Smart Wands have a mode called SenseTouch. This means the toy has “touch sensors that allow vibration strength to build as soon as the wand tip comes into contact with the body — creating the most professional massage technique that works intuitively with your body and your needs.” (Yes, they are totally going with the whole “back massager” story.)

In this case, SenseTouch appears to be code for “doing whatever the hell I want.” Sometimes it acts like it should, increasing in intensity when I press the toy against my skin. Sometimes it does the exact opposite. And sometimes I hold the wand out in front of me and just watch it have a little moment with itself, changing settings apropos of nothing.

Worse yet, the SenseTouch “feature” seems to have tainted all the rest of the settings, somehow. Both Smart Wands have a glitch which causes their vibrations to drop down in intensity out of nowhere. This is not a defect; according to LELO, it’s a “limitation of the technology,” and it has been confirmed by retailers as well as reviewers.

The medium Smart Wand is especially volatile. When I’m in regular mode and press the toy to my clit, the vibrations immediately decline. I literally can’t get it to stay on its highest intensity unless I hold down the plus button.

The large Smart Wand is less predictable. Sometimes I’ll go an entire masturbation session without it freaking out on me, only for it to test my sanity in the next. Once it starts glitching, it doesn’t return to the happy time when it wasn’t. At least not in a single masturbation session. The glitch happens most readily around the sixth and seventh intensity settings — you know, the settings one would most likely use to achieve orgasm.

Because yes, your orgasms are not safe. Watch as it brings you right to the edge, then, at the point of no return, drops down to a lower intensity, causing you to whimper in agony as you orgasm at what might have been. …And I would know. (File this under being a sex toy reviewer suxxxxx, guyz.)

Also, the Smart Wands glitch mercilessly if you are wearing underwear. I DON’T KNOW WHY. I stopped asking questions.

Considering how ergonomic the these things look, it’s appalling how ergonomic they are not. There is no good place for me to hold a Smart Wand. If I grab close to the head, I feel all the vibrations in my hand and risk accidentally changing settings. If I grasp the middle, I can’t change settings with one hand. It’s all awkward.

And the vibration resonates through the handle a lot. My hands haven’t itched this much since the Rock Box.

Unlike most LELO toys I own, these toys can’t hold a charge for shit. Several times, I’ve fished them out of my drawers only to find them inexplicably drained. Fuckin’ things SUCK. They charge quickly, but that doesn’t matter when you have pants off, lube in hand, and a buffet spread of toys on your desk.

I wanted the medium Smart Wand to be everything the Mystic Wand is and more. But it is not. The Mystic Wand is stronger, with controls that make sense, a comfortable shape, and a notable lack of glitching.

I wanted the large Smart Wand to be everything the Hitachi is and more. But it is not. The Hitachi is stronger, with controls that make sense, a comfortable shape (compared to the Smart Wand… which is saying something), and a 30-year history of not glitching.

When it’s behaving, I like the large Smart Wand well enough. I can use it on bare skin, unlike the Hitachi, and the silky, seamless silicone head feels good. It’s strong, with vibrations ranging from deep and rumbly to intense and buzzy. I even bought this silly-looking Flutter Attachment to help concentrate the vibrations, and that works fairly well. BUT THE LARGE SMART WAND IS $169. It is OBSCENELY expensive. Offensively expensive. Nothing-can-justify-that expensive.

And let’s be real, using these toys just makes me want my Mona. Granted, using a lot of things just makes me want my Mona. But the Smart Wands make me crave reliability, simplicity… knowing my orgasm will not be in vain. The Mona is stronger than the medium Smart Wand, anyway.

I guess I’ll keep the large Smart Wand around to jostle congested snot from my nose — if it’s charged. But for the times when I want to whip it out for use on my genitals, I can only assume it won’t be ready. It won’t be charged, or it’ll be glitching. And I won’t be gutted.

Thank you, Good Vibes!