Jun 102016

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

The simplehuman Sensor Pump squirting lube onto the njoy Pure Wand.

Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions and glistening stainless steel bathroom accessories it beckoned, goading me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’d never spend $40 on an automatic soap dispenser, but in my household, the simplehuman Sensor Pump has a much more life-sustaining function: dispensing lube.


That’s the sound it makes. An adorable mechanical blip, and my god — it’s a glorious thing. The first time I used it, I couldn’t stop myself. Lube was flowing like water, like wine. It was one-handed. It was instantaneous. My left hand[. . . read more]

Jun 022016

Jack-off Journal #20 October 24, 2015
My secret shame: I am terrible at remembering to pack lube when I travel. And porn. On this #dildoholiday, I had to borrow my friend’s Good Clean Love, and I had to stream my porn because my laptop has nada. Luckily, I’d been given access to Fat Girl Fantasies, but I still had to suffer with small-town buffering.

I watched two scenes: April Flores and Isiah Maxwell and James Darling and Cinnamon Maxxine. Both pretty scorching hot, but James and Cinnamon’s took the cake for two reasons: 1) James’ INTENSE, DEEPLY FOCUSED face as he makes Cinnamon squirt, and 2) the whimsical cat painting in the background.

Mostly I used the Womanizer and[. . . read more]

May 212016

Review: Siri 2 FINALLY. Fucking finally.

I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade.

The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite[. . . read more]

May 102016

Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

The Lovehoney Flash (left) is a buzzy vibrator. The Doxy Don (right) is rumbly.

Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy.

Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame. The design is cool, but it’s so fucking buzzy. Nope.

I even met an avid reader of my blog who works for an up-and-coming sex toy manufacturer. Their flagship vibrator intrigued me with its peculiar manta ray flaps and vibrant shade of turquoise silicone. But I turned it on and could not hide my disgust. “It needs a better motor,” I sighed.

“Oh, I know,” she said. “I knew you’d hate it.”

A sex toy could do literally everything else right —[. . . read more]

May 022016

Review: Bubble Love I am one of many who grew up getting my orgasms from the bathtub faucet. Legs spread, back against the bottom of the tub, water pouring delightfully over my clit, I’d lay there with my mind split between thrilling newfound pleasure and neurotic calculation of how long I could run the bath before it seemed suspicious. I almost certainly ran up my parents’ water bill from roughly 2000 to 2002. (Sorry, guys. At 14 I was too stupid to even know water bills existed.)

But I later graduated to circling a Sharpie over my clit through my underwear, and after that, vibrators.[. . . read more]

Apr 232016

Yep, I actually put tiny dildos in my vagina

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section:

(Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.)

First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off,[. . . read more]

Apr 092016

Review: Hole Punch Toys

Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA.

There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst.


The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.”

His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped[. . . read more]

Apr 012016

Review: Tiny Dildos

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am
very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.]

Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged.

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from TantusBad DragonFun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my[. . . read more]

Mar 222016

Sex toy news: squirting dildos and flapping tongues for your dick

Vixen has released a peculiar dildo called the VixenAire Mustang. It inflates when you apply pressure to the base. I love my Mustang, but the VixenAire only inflates near the base of the toy, which I find weird???

For ages, I’ve hoped a company aside from Bad Dragon would invent a silicone squirting dildo. It has become so with the Pop!

A SQWEEL FOR YOUR DICK. It looks like a torture device, but so do all the Sqweels.

Fun Factory’s latest vibes are Lady Bi, a rabbit, and Moody, a curved G-spot/prostate toy with a textured flared base. It comes in orange!

Um, yes, my need to rub these[. . . read more]