Um, No

These sex toys need to be obliterated from the earth. Since I can’t do that, I just talk shit about them.

This sex toy will "rejuvenate" your pitiful vulva for just $850

This sex toy will "rejuvenate" your pitiful vulva for just $850

Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce.

Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?

The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. . . . read the rest

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring?

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says his new sex toy business concept is a bit different from others because the company doesn’t just market a product, it provides a service as well.

“At BlissMe Vibrators we wanted to encompass the idea of infidelity being an option through our vibrators,” Mederos said. “So what we have created is a service where consumers buy our products and we provide them with an e-mail from our list of vibrators since each of our five vibrators have personalities.”

Those personalities include Mr. . . . read the rest

Um, No: Pino

Um, No: Pino

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO.

For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail at inopportune moments. 2013 brought us Ida, easily the most functionally deficient LELO toy I’ve ever tried (that’s putting it mildly), and the useless Hula Beads. This year, we were blessed with Ora, an “oral sex” simulator, which was a waste of my clit’s time. . . . read the rest

Um, No: Teddy Love

Um, No: Teddy Love

This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable.

A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This is condescending, infantilizing, and damaging. This is not how we get over the stigma around sex toys. This product is WHY THERE IS A STIGMA AROUND SEX TOYS.

Completely overlooking logistical issues such as how the fuck do you clean vag juice off it (the muzzle is made of thermoplastic elastomer, which is porous, and the body is covered in FUR), I am deeply offended that these people are expecting me, as a woman, to coo over this. . . . read the rest

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove.

My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get the chance to follow the link until I was in the safety of my own home.

I love how hard Nasstoys tries to sell this fingerless monstrosity — they can’t even be arsed to write full sentences. I did learn, however, that it is waterproof. . . . read the rest

Um, No: Sexpander

Um, No: Sexpander

It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head of whoever “designed” this. Scare quotes forever.

But o, the uses!

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you: the Sexpander can add obtrusive girth and an antennaed protrusion to your penis, your fingers, or your vibrator! Like a growth! Like a fucking fungus! . . . read the rest

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

So this is an actual thing.

I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the original Peter Piper is the one from 1813 who picked a peck of pickled peppers, not a glass dildo for potheads. But then again, this is from Pipedream, the same people who brought us the failtastic Fetish Fantasy series, the quartet of terrible lubes, and heaps of racist/sexist shit, so I don’t know why I expect them to be historically accurate… or remotely respectable.

This 10″ glass dong is smooth and sensuous and doubles as a pipe, perfect for enjoying your favorite smoke right before you enjoy each other! . . . read the rest

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)?

Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “purple” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose. . . . read the rest

Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS TOO MUCH TO MAKE FUN OF.

The website looks like my April Fool’s Day redesigns. There is a firework background. There is size 500 pt font. There is a rampant misspelling of Fleshlight to “Flashlight.”  There are unnecessary comparisons to “hard, wild crazy sex.” And, of course, why not, there is a 15-minute infomercial.

Yes, my friends, that is indeed a gyrating leopard-print make-up case. A gyrating leopard-print make-up case that must be encased in a “leather vinyl” bag before use, lest you ruin the leopard-print goodness. . . . read the rest

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