Um, No

These sex toys need to be obliterated from the earth. Since I can’t do that, I just talk shit about them.

Oct 222013
Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove. My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get [...]

Oct 112012
Um, No: Sexpander

It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head [...]

Aug 092012
Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

So this is an actual thing. I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the original Peter Piper is the one from 1813 who picked a peck of pickled peppers, not a glass dildo for potheads. But then again, this is from Pipedream, the same people who brought us the failtastic [...]

Jun 012012
Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)? Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring [...]

Aug 042011
Um, No: Rock and Roll Massager

This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS TOO MUCH TO MAKE FUN OF. The website looks like my April Fool’s Day redesigns. There is a firework background. There is size 500 pt font. There is a rampant misspelling of Fleshlight to “Flashlight.”  There are unnecessary [...]

May 242011
Um, No: Make Her Slap You Kit

This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you need to turn on that special someone is in this kit! Next time you start, just grab this kit, apply the appropriate lotion and get ready for a thrilling titillating, climactic experience! Dude, can you [...]