This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS TOO MUCH TO MAKE FUN OF. The website looks like my April Fool’s Day redesigns. There is a firework background. There is size 500 pt font. There is a rampant misspelling of Fleshlight to “Flashlight.”  There are unnecessary [...]

This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you need to turn on that special someone is in this kit! Next time you start, just grab this kit, apply the appropriate lotion and get ready for a thrilling titillating, climactic experience! Dude, can you [...]

Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing over whether you’ll use the creepy white double dong or the creepy black double dong? Or for solo use? Like, oh, I feel like fucking myself with a specifically white cock-side tonight! Also, there’s a [...]

The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long turd of beautiful blue jelly with a flexible internal spine. According to ’70s couple on the box, I guess you’re supposed to tie the rope around a dude’s dick, then stick the jelly tail up [...]

WARNING: There are several photos of paraphilia-inspired sex toys in this entry that you may find totally disgusting. Okay, so, Topco has this new toy line entitled Fucked, and… I’m don’t even know what to think about it. Not because of the gag factor (though that is definitely an issue), but because of the problematic [...]

In the biggest product name FAIL of all time, I present to you the Joy Finger from Doc Johnson. I can guarantee you this rubber abomination is not going to provide you with joy. Unless your definition of joy is “a wiggly, floppy sensation that may or may not leach chemicals into one’s vagina.” Personally, [...]

OH GOD, NO. DON’T COME ANY CLOSER WITH THAT THING. I KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT FEELS LIKE. I DON’T NEED THE SAME SPIKES TIMES A THOUSAND PLUS VIBRATION. A whip and an incognito vibe covered in silicone ticklers SPIKES 5.5 insertable inches (14 cm) of silicone-covered, vibrating bliss HELL Silicone ticklers are soft TERRIBLE against [...]

There are only a few truly great dildo-making instructional videos on YouTube. And by truly great I mean truly horrifying. Things of note: “A broken wrench here… soon to be a dildo of some sort. Good use for recyclin’.” He is running out of flesh-colored paint. Caulking looks like really thick male ejaculate. The wimpy [...]