Slush pile

These toys are THE WORST.

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t. This is an affront to my vagina and its power. Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty. It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. So I turned the balls around. I inserted just one ball. I squeezed like my vagina’s reputation depended on it. Nothing. You can’t tell me that . . . read more

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away. I only tried it a handful of times, months and months ago. Enough times to realize that I actually don’t like a bulbous machine accompanying me to bed, even if it promises to wake me up with vibrations. So for a long time, I tried to pretend this toy wasn’t on my “to review” list. I was perfectly successful at that until yesterday, when Lovehoney informed me that this toy is being discontinued on their site. So I dug it out of storage and plugged it in. The screen started spitting gibberish at me — blips and bloops where numbers should form. And that’s all it would . . . read more

Review: Ida

Review: Ida

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more

Review: Flash

Review: Flash

The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust. Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death. Buzzy vibrations can . . . read more

Review: U Touch Side

Review: U Touch Side

I’m offended by Topco’s U Touch line. I wasn’t, at first — I was legitimately intrigued and even somewhat optimistic when I first heard about it. When a big company like Topco realizes rechargeables are the way of the future, it’s reason to be excited. But apparently not that excited. This line offends me because it takes everything we love about rechargeables and shits on it. It steals what’s good and alters it until it’s 10x worse. And then it asks for $85 for the thing, as though we don’t have a precedent, as though LELO and Je Joue and Jimmyjane and Fun Factory don’t exist and haven’t spent years developing this technology. At least when LELO asks $169 for a . . . read more

Review: Little Chroma

Review: Little Chroma

The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your friend emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London. Not like replying to a Craigslist post about an apartment only to have the nice folks offer to mail you the key from West Africa. Not like someone making nasty things about you on Twitter. But in the simple, old school way: Jimmyjane tries to swindle you into buying the Little Chroma. And I want to intervene. No, need to intervene. I really can’t stand this shit anymore. Jimmyjane knows the importance of marketing, and they use it to make the Little Chroma look mighty tasty. It’s made of aluminum — shiny and smooth and shaped like a luxury tampon. It comes with a replaceable motor, . . . read more

Review: Rock Box

Review: Rock Box

Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I had to apply to review without knowing much beyond the fact that it was THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL SEX TOY!!!1!!1. Considering that phrase no longer means anything to me, undeterred and with a flourish, I wrote in the application box: I like to ROCK. And I have a lot of Aerosmith I could listen to whilst using the Rock Box. Apparently that was good enough, because Lovehoney sent me the Rock Box. Which is approximately ten times more ridiculous than I imagined it would be. The Hitachi is often called a power tool, but the Rock Box takes that shit to . . . read more

Review: Intensity

Review: Intensity

The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and treat incontinence. When product testers began experiencing an “unexpected” side effect — intense orgasms — the medical peeps contacted Jopen. Jopen knew just how to turn the thing into a true blue sex toy: they stuck a clit stimulator on it. And kept its original color of pukey pink-purple, because we all know women won’t touch anything outside of those shades. So the toy was released, Jopen started throwing out phrases like “game-changer,” sex bloggers gawked at the toy’s hideousness, Jopen released a weird-ass video testimonial starring your friend’s mom who drank too much peppermint . . . read more

Review: Kiki

Review: Kiki

[Update: The Kiki sucks, but the Ako doesn’t. 1 AAA makes all the difference.] I was going to ignore PicoBong altogether. Although I was initially drawn to the brand because, well, LELO invented it and some of the toys come in turquoise, I quickly found out that some of the toys were about as stimulating as rubbing a rock on your genitals. Besides, I give the side eye to anything that takes a mere one AAA. But a rep from PicoBong emailed me, and despite my prediction that I’d hate anything in the entire line, they sent me the Kiki. Which is good, I guess, because y’all deserve to know just how much of a waste of time this toy is. The Kiki . . . read more