Slush pile

These toys are THE WORST.

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Why does Jimmyjane still exist?

That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of[. . . read more]

Video review: Princessa

Video review: Princessa

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.]

In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras,[. . . read more]

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no.

I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into[. . . read more]

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August.

Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me[. . . read more]

Review: Hula Beads

Review: Hula Beads

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh.

The confusion begins with the fact that[. . . read more]

Review: iGino One

Review: iGino One

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ

Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into[. . . read more]

Review: Cupcake

Review: Cupcake

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. PinkGirlySymbolic. I want to chuck it into a river.

So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they[. . . read more]

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply.

They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t.

This is an affront to my vagina and its power.

Ugh, Jopen.[. . . read more]

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away.

I only tried it a handful of times, months and months ago. Enough times to realize that I actually don’t like a bulbous machine accompanying me to bed, even if it promises to wake me up with vibrations. So for a long[. . . read more]