Slush pile

These toys are THE WORST.

Dec 272013
 
Review: iGino One

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and [...]

Dec 192013
 
Review: Cupcake

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a [...]

Nov 182013
 
Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t. This is an affront to my vagina and its power. Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that [...]

Nov 052013
 
Review: Wake-Up Vibe

The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away. I only tried it a handful of times, months and months ago. Enough times to realize that I actually don’t like a bulbous machine accompanying me to bed, even if it promises to wake me up with vibrations. So for a long [...]

Oct 102013
 
Review: Ida

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The [...]

Aug 142013
 
Review: Flash

The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it [...]

Jul 302013
 
Review: U Touch Side

I’m offended by Topco’s U Touch line. I wasn’t, at first — I was legitimately intrigued and even somewhat optimistic when I first heard about it. When a big company like Topco realizes rechargeables are the way of the future, it’s reason to be excited. But apparently not that excited. This line offends me because [...]

Jul 092012
 
Review: Little Chroma

The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your friend emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London. Not like replying to a Craigslist post about an apartment only to have the nice folks offer to mail you the key from West Africa. Not like someone making nasty things about you on Twitter. But [...]