Slush pile

These toys are THE WORST.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of human needs? Why do they fail to improve upon anything, to move forward in any meaningful way? Why do they insist upon peddling $4,000 bouncy sex castles and $35,000 private jet rides rather than getting people off? Take, for instance, the Form 5. This is the fifth vibrator in the Form series, after we’ve been subjected to a glitchy tooth, malformed tongue, bowling pin, and an insertable vibrator with its . . . read more

Video review: Princessa

Video review: Princessa

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review. I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. For this video review, I . . . read more

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August. Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff. Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they . . . read more

Review: Hula Beads

Review: Hula Beads

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

Review: iGino One

Review: iGino One

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER. The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it . . . read more

Review: Cupcake

Review: Cupcake

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t. This is an affront to my vagina and its power. Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty. It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. So I turned the balls around. I inserted just one ball. I squeezed like my vagina’s reputation depended on it. Nothing. You can’t tell me that . . . read more