Kegel Exercisers

Review: kGoal

Review: kGoal

Recently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina? So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them. Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s heads. I dunno. This is to say that I’m not the prime candidate for the Minna kGoal,1 a pelvic floor strengthening vibrator with corresponding phone app and kegel workouts. However, I’ve always wanted an accurate measure of my vaginal strength to flaunt at . . . read more

Review: We-Vibe Tango Pleasure Mate Collection (Dusk and Glow)

Review: We-Vibe Tango Pleasure Mate Collection (Dusk and Glow)

I’m in love. Its name is the We-Vibe Dusk, and I’m using it all wrong. This toy is supposed to be a vibrating butt plug. It looks like a butt plug. It functions adequately as a butt plug. But something compelled me to put this toy in my vagina, and it was absolutely one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Like, on par with buying my first mug warmer, or thinking “hm, maybe I’ll start a blog.” Immediately, the Tango vibrator in the base nestled up against my clit, so closely that it seemed there was a chance of bringing myself to orgasm without touching anything. Just sitting there like a blob. Could I do it? I gripped the Dusk with my PC muscles, pulling it . . . read more

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August. Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff. Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they . . . read more

Review: Magic Banana

Review: Magic Banana

Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be good in my vagina”? Yeah, me either. And so, I was prepared to hate the Magic Banana, because: 1. Just look at it. 2. It’s called the Magic Banana. 3. Just look at it. 4. It came with a “note on empowerment.” 5. Just look at it. COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER! Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.” Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is . . . read more

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t. This is an affront to my vagina and its power. Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty. It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. So I turned the balls around. I inserted just one ball. I squeezed like my vagina’s reputation depended on it. Nothing. You can’t tell me that . . . read more

Review: Luna Beads Mini

Review: Luna Beads Mini

This is so disappointing, you guys. And a sex toy reviewer’s nightmare. But I just cannot feel the LELO Luna Beads Mini in my vagina. I really really love the original Luna Beads. They are my favorite vag balls. They make me want to dance, and I don’t dance. I never had an issue with their size. But if the Luna Beads Mini packed the same stimulation in a smaller package, I wanted to know, because some folks do not have cavernous vaginas like me. The Luna Beads Mini are 3″ insertable and each ball is 1.23″ in diameter, versus the original Luna Beads’ 3.5″ insertable and 1.43″ in diameter. With the blue weights in each, the Minis weigh 2.6 ounces while . . . read more

Review: Hold On To Me

Review: Hold On To Me

I’ll admit I scoffed at Real Housewife of Atlanta Kandi Burruss’ new line of sex toys, Bedroom Kandi. Look, I’m not into so-called “girly” things… like make-up. I haven’t owned mascara since high school. I’ve never bought a tube of lipstick. However! I do own my fair share of vag balls. And Hold On To Me (kind-of a dumb name… no, really a dumb name) is a set of four vag balls that, surprisingly, are not shaped like some cosmetic item. Bedroom Kandi toys are manufactured by OhMiBod, so my vag balls came in a cardboard box with both BK and OhMiBod on it. Inside was a more heavy-duty black box that opens up to reveal a bed of black satin upon which the four balls rest. . . . read more

Review: Intensity

Review: Intensity

The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and treat incontinence. When product testers began experiencing an “unexpected” side effect — intense orgasms — the medical peeps contacted Jopen. Jopen knew just how to turn the thing into a true blue sex toy: they stuck a clit stimulator on it. And kept its original color of pukey pink-purple, because we all know women won’t touch anything outside of those shades. So the toy was released, Jopen started throwing out phrases like “game-changer,” sex bloggers gawked at the toy’s hideousness, Jopen released a weird-ass video testimonial starring your friend’s mom who drank too much peppermint . . . read more

Review: Ami

Review: Ami

Je Joue, makers of the failtastic SaSi, attempt to make vag balls! In my head, that is the slogan for the Je Joue Ami. Which is really quite unfair to the Ami, because this set of vag balls (kegel exercise balls, if you prefer) is not bad at all. Divorced from the terrible mistake that is the SaSi, the Ami balls are an admirable contribution to the vag ball market. I say “admirable,” though, and not “FREAKIN’ AWESOME,” for a reason. You will see. The Ami set is trying really hard, and I mean that in a loving way. It comes in a box within a box, and it’s sealed with plastic (props, Je Joue, I appreciate that). The storage box . . . read more