Reviews

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews!

Review: Downunder Toys

Review: Downunder Toys

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA.

Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked.

Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review“). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this: “I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life?”

So, full disclosure: I was already loving Downunder Toys before the founder, JD, sent me a box of stuff. . . . read the rest

Review: Womanizer

Review: Womanizer

Why isn’t this sex toy wearing a wife beater?
Why isn’t it blasting Eminem?
Why isn’t it friends with OJ?
Why doesn’t it endorse Robin Thicke?
Why doesn’t the spout emit AXE body spray?

I feel these are legitimate questions to ask of a sex toy named the Womanizer. I know it was designed by Germans, but guys, it’s 2015, you need to nary lift an ass cheek off your chair to find the answer to any imaginable question. For instance, I recently Googled “do cats go through menopause” and “can guitar face be controlled.” You are capable of Googling “womanizer.” You’re not naming your external hard drive; you’re naming a product, which presumably you plan to market in the US. . . . read the rest

Review: Bouncer

Review: Bouncer

Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy who slices up fake IDs in vodka commercials. The guy who tells you your slacks are not appropriate for the sex club. The guy whose existence you begrudgingly accept because he might protect you from peril at some point, but who is mostly just macho and huge and ridiculous.

It’s true that the Bouncer needs a technical name, though, since simply meandering across its shape would not grab your attention. You’d never know without reading a description or holding this dildo in your hands that each ripple contains a free-moving ball, ready to roll around when the toy is jostled. . . . read the rest

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

Why does Jimmyjane still exist?

That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of human needs? Why do they fail to improve upon anything, to move forward in any meaningful way? Why do they insist upon peddling $4,000 bouncy sex castles and $35,000 private jet rides rather than getting people off?

Take, for instance, the Form 5. . . . read the rest

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

It’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2.

The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough,1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. . . . read the rest

Review: kGoal

Review: kGoal

Recently my girlfriend admitted that, while fingering me, they wondered, is it possible to break someone’s fingers with a vagina?

So I’m being up front with you: that is the caliber of vagina we’re dealing with, here. That is my ridiculously toned PC muscle. That is years and years of squeezing dildos like a boa constrictor seizing its prey. I do it without thinking, because much of the pleasure I derive from dildos comes from throttling them.

Maybe I’m imagining I’m crushing men’s heads. I dunno.

This is to say that I’m not the prime candidate for the Minna kGoal,1 a pelvic floor strengthening vibrator with corresponding phone app and kegel workouts. . . . read the rest

Review: Geisha Plug and B Balls

Review: Geisha Plug and B Balls

I can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea first. Rolly kegel balls in a butt plug? Oh yes. Years ago. You can imagine my delight when not one but two companies came out with products closely following my vision.

You can imagine my despair when both of them failed me.

The Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug was the first to let me down. First with the name, because NO. Second with the “diamond” base. Chintzy and laughable, it looks like one of those fake mirrors a Barbie would hold. . . . read the rest

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI?????

—everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable

Yes. Yes, it is. The time has come, my friends. The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, now comes in a rechargeable version. It can finally be there for you during power outages. While camping. On your porch. In your treehouse. On your top bunk. Or simply when you’re too damn lazy to get up and plug something in. (Me, all the time.)

The world has been holding its breath, as have I, because there are many ways this new version could have gone terribly wrong. . . . read the rest

Review: Joyful Pleasure glass dildos

Review: Joyful Pleasure glass dildos

These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel frustrated if I can’t conquer them. Whether it’s sheer size, extreme heftrepetitive bloops, every imaginable electrostim setting, or simply a bulge just out of reach, I feel the uncontrollable urge to experience all that a toy has to offer.

Combine this with the fact that I’m a texture slut, and you have a recipe for vaginal disaster. When presented with the opportunity to review dildos from Joyful Pleasure, I of course ignored anything smooth and went straight for dildos with bumps, swirls, bloops, and, unbeknownst to me, challenging lengths. . . . read the rest

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