Reviews

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews!

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a . . .

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

Review: OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August. Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth . . .

Review: The Ash Girl

Review: The Ash Girl

Get 10% off anything at Crystal Delights with code EPIPHORA! I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess . . .

Review: Hula Beads

Review: Hula Beads

Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that . . .

Review: Sqweel Go

Review: Sqweel Go

“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens. There was another reason for my excitement as . . .

Review: Lovelife Adventure, Smile, Discover, and Cuddle

Review: Lovelife Adventure, Smile, Discover, and Cuddle

OhMiBod is commonly known as the sex toy company that makes music- and app-responsive vibrators, but their Lovelife line is a departure, and a valiant effort. It’s a line of less expensive rechargeable toys that do not care whether you’re blasting Meatloaf. Usually, for a rechargeable vibrator, you’ll spend at least $90, and up to $200 depending on size, functionality, and . . .

Review: G-Vibe

Review: G-Vibe

There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back. Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe. Different company, same exact shape. I . . .

Review: Wild Stripes dildo

Review: Wild Stripes dildo

Finally, a manufacturer is going balls-to-the-wall with their silicone sex toy designs — and I love how flamboyant and playful they are. Spanish company BS Atelier makes a dildo for everyone: one for vegans and/or those who miss Gateway computer boxes, one for horror fans, another for people who like to splatter paint, and even one for that dude who keeps his socks . . .

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

Review: Stronic Zwei and Drei

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker. Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with . . .