Pornfail

The silly things that happen in porn, documented.

Pornfail: Pussy painting

Pornfail: Pussy painting

Have you been jonesing for a deep look into the female psyche? Then What Girls Like is the porno for you! Seriously, it’s uncanny how much this film understands womankind. Case in point: the painting scene. I have learned much from this scene, like that paint fumes are an aphrodisiac. And that girls like getting ass-fucked by paintbrush handles while contorting their bodies into pretzel shapes. To my surprise, I learned that girls HATE happiness. And subtlety. To nobody’s surprise, girls like purple! A lot of it. In sopping wet toxic paint form. Girls like humping canvases. Girls like making art. Pretty good, pretty good! I find this to be an intriguing representation of female desire. I like the mood, and the unique texture . . . read more

Pornfail: Mmm, rubber

Pornfail: Mmm, rubber

Girls. I have a serious matter to discuss with you. That rubber thing you are tonguing and eating? It doesn’t look sanitary. In fact, I’m willing to bet it’s been fondled by every cast member, make-up person, and cameraman on set — presumably in an impromptu game of hot potato butt plug. Wait, what are you doing now!? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Is this the fucking Olympics? Why are you proud of having inserted an inch of rubber into your ass? WHOSE HAND IS THAT? Oh my god, girls. Look at this guy. He has permanently raised eyebrows and a wrinkly forehead. Do not take lube from him. And more importantly — DON’T FUCK HIM! I had a . . . read more

Pornfail: Popsicle "fun"

Pornfail: Popsicle “fun”

This one comes to us from the thoughtfully-titled Pound the Round 2. If you have sensitive teeth, click away now. STEPS FOR GETTING A GIRL’S MOUTH AND POPSICLE ON YOUR PENIS 1. Randomly whip out your popsicle, calling it an “ice cream” — that was on purpose — and immediately take things too far by poking her genitals with it. And making an ass/popsicle sandwich. Watch it melt all over the chick in red streaks. Oh yeah, hot. 2. While the girl fondles your enormous cock, slowly introduce another popsicle. The clueless female will hardly notice. You so stealthy. 3. Bask in the sensation as the girl sucks both your cock and the popsicle. (Sidenote: in Australia, popsicles are called . . . read more