[Sorry this one has taken SO LONG. I want to recount only the best masturbation stories... of the year, apparently.] February 3rd, 2011 Tonight I found one of my favorite male pornstars, Danny Wylde, on cam. When he saw my name in the chatroom, he said, “holy shit, is this the Epiphora?” and I just [...]

[At long last! Yeah, I'm behind.] October 1st, 2010 WHY WHY WHY WHY: WHY WHY WHY WHY. November 13th, 2010 I took a break from playing Plants vs. Zombies… …to watch a new Burning Angel porno, Doppelganger. The first scene was set in a DILDO FACTORY. I promptly skipped it, though, because solo scenes are [...]

August 5th, 2010 Today I watched Justine Joli: Lost with Saraid, which I had been eagerly anticipating. Very quickly realized it was a mistake to have anticipated it. Despite some awesome pairings, the camera angles consistently lacked close-up genital shots (which Saraid and I live for), plus the scenery was terrible and the between-scenes stuff [...]

July 1st, 2010 I have learned a lesson about lube bottles. Before use, always cautiously test to make sure the nozzle is not plugged up. Today, attempting to lube up a toy, my lube split-streamed on me and sprayed itself on my shirt. Classy. July 6th, 2010 Having watched a lot of porn in a [...]

June 6th, 2010 Here’s a little secret for you: I’ve been jacking off to words lately. I know, blasphemy. I usually hate erotica. I generally don’t fantasize. I prefer graphic depictions of genitals going into other genitals. But this particular fiction — a slash pairing which is morally objectionable on more than one level — is [...]

May 8th, 2010 Eight days into May and I haven’t jacked off yet. I need to work on life. I saw pictures of this cute pornstar named Gracie Glam (oh god alliteration), so I got my hands on a scene of hers with James Deen, because he brings out the best in everyone. I thought I’d use [...]

April 6th, 2010 Wow, most frustrating masturbation session in a long time. I watched, but not really, Fashionistas, which wasn’t doing it for me at all (o hai, latex). I tried out the Form 6, but got irritated with the buttons being on the shaft, which is fully insertable. The straw that broke the camel’s [...]

March 4th, 2010 You know what’s hard to watch? An hour and 16 minutes of nothing but cocksucking. But I did it — boy, I did it — in the name of reviewing. Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio, that is. I watched it in the bedroom, with my laptop hooked up to the TV [...]