I've been a sex toy fiend for over 5 years. Since I can't put "exhaustive sex toy knowledge" on a resume, I put it in a blog. My reviews are snarky, honest, and delightfully void of euphemisms.
Where I recount all the ~salacious~ details of my masturbation sessions. Not really. More like whether I can orgasm at the exact moment the timer for the corn dogs goes off.
January 24th, 2013 I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana [...]
July 27th, 2012 Creeped myself out watching a Belladonna movie from 9 years ago called StrapOn Chicks: Bella’s Bitches. There was this super young looking chick and I had to check her date of birth to make sure I wasn’t breaking the damn law. It didn’t help that her hair was in pigtails and the [...]
January 21st, 2012 After a nap with weird dreams, I got up at 10 p.m. and drank a Rockstar. Like you do. I did some work, then jacked off to Belladonna’s Buttface. With a name like that, I guess I should’ve expected a moment like this: Some people wait a liiiifetime for a moooment like [...]
[Sorry this one has taken SO LONG. I want to recount only the best masturbation stories... of the year, apparently.] February 3rd, 2011 Tonight I found one of my favorite male pornstars, Danny Wylde, on cam. When he saw my name in the chatroom, he said, “holy shit, is this the Epiphora?” and I just [...]
[At long last! Yeah, I'm behind.] October 1st, 2010 WHY WHY WHY WHY: WHY WHY WHY WHY. November 13th, 2010 I took a break from playing Plants vs. Zombies… …to watch a new Burning Angel porno, Doppelganger. The first scene was set in a DILDO FACTORY. I promptly skipped it, though, because solo scenes are [...]
August 5th, 2010 Today I watched Justine Joli: Lost with Saraid, which I had been eagerly anticipating. Very quickly realized it was a mistake to have anticipated it. Despite some awesome pairings, the camera angles consistently lacked close-up genital shots (which Saraid and I live for), plus the scenery was terrible and the between-scenes stuff [...]
July 1st, 2010 I have learned a lesson about lube bottles. Before use, always cautiously test to make sure the nozzle is not plugged up. Today, attempting to lube up a toy, my lube split-streamed on me and sprayed itself on my shirt. Classy. July 6th, 2010 Having watched a lot of porn in a [...]
June 6th, 2010 Here’s a little secret for you: I’ve been jacking off to words lately. I know, blasphemy. I usually hate erotica. I generally don’t fantasize. I prefer graphic depictions of genitals going into other genitals. But this particular fiction — a slash pairing which is morally objectionable on more than one level — is [...]
