Jack-off Journal

Where I recount all the ~salacious~ details of my masturbation sessions. Not really. More like whether I can orgasm at the exact moment the timer for the corn dogs goes off.

Jack-off Journal #19

Jack-off Journal #19

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

February 11, 2015

META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Aerie to read in the other room and thrust myself into my office for two quick orgasms with the Hitachi, which I desperately needed after a day of nonchalantly skipping through porn files and editing screenshots.

February 28, 2015

Please, god, let this be the last time my vagina experiences the Afterglow and its laser light “technology.” Let this rabbit-infested masturbation nightmare end.

Determined to definitively disprove the veracity of the “PulseWave O” program (an 8-minute “journey designed to enhance arousal and help you achieve better and more frequent orgasms”), I endured it three times and paid special attention to my arousal and orgasm quality. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #18

Jack-off Journal #18

[Trigger warning: incest, menstrual blood, consensual non-consent.]

April 2014

Sit down, friends. I would like to talk to you about incest. I’ve slyly alluded to it before, but this month marks the discovery of something glorious: New Sensations’ “Tabu Tales” series. Directed most of the time by the fantastic and nuanced Jacky St. James, this series is everything I never knew I wanted, and I LOVE IT.

My obsession began with Incestuous, in a scene featuring cheerleader Riley Reid and her “stepfather” Alec Knight. Riley is a boss at playing down her age (she even moans “oh gosh”), and Alec, well… he’s the ultimate creep.  . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #17

Jack-off Journal #17

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

May 17th, 2013

The boyfriend went to the convenience store for beer, and Survivor was downloading at a snails’ pace, so I whipped out my Mona 2 and had the quickest orgasm before he returned. Incredibly, the toy died literal seconds after my orgasm wore off. Fate?

Summer 2013

Can I just take a moment to tell you about porn I’ve seen recently that was glorious and/or weird? Because holy shit, Belladonna Sexual Explorer. I’ve realized that I always love watching Sinn Sage. She was great in Strapped Dykes, she was great in No Warning 7, she was great in Sinn Sage Loves Girls, she’s great in this, and every time I see her, she is a beast. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #16

Jack-off Journal #16

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

January 24th, 2013

I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana Dearmond. At one point I minimized it, and suddenly it sounded like a tiger tearing flesh. APPARENTLY THIS WAS HAPPENING:

Something similar took place earlier in the month when I was watching Kristina Rose: Unfiltered. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #15

Jack-off Journal #15

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

July 27th, 2012

Creeped myself out watching a Belladonna movie from 9 years ago called StrapOn Chicks: Bella’s Bitches. There was this super young looking chick and I had to check her date of birth to make sure I wasn’t breaking the damn law. It didn’t help that her hair was in pigtails and the dude looked like somebody’s long lost redneck relative. Who knew he was into anal?!

Plus she kept doing everything in her power not to touch him. I couldn’t decide whether it was sad or hilarious. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #14

Jack-off Journal #14

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

January 21st, 2012

After a nap with weird dreams, I got up at 10 p.m. and drank a Rockstar. Like you do. I did some work, then jacked off to Belladonna’s Buttface. With a name like that, I guess I should’ve expected a moment like this:

Some people wait a liiiifetime for a moooment like thiiiiis

Meanwhile, I laughed at the PicoBong Kiki and compared the Pure Wand and Fun Wand vagina-to-vagina. Same vagina; I only have one.

February 1st, 2012

Gathered a gaggle of folks (Scarlett, Navigator, Amie Wee, and The Bedroom Blogger) in a chatroom to watch Melissa “The Face” Monet have sex with James “The Amazing” Deen — in My Daughter’s Boyfriend, because of course. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #13

Jack-off Journal #13

February 3rd, 2011

Tonight I found one of my favorite male pornstars, Danny Wylde, on cam. When he saw my name in the chatroom, he said, “holy shit, is this the Epiphora?” and I just about died. He said he was a fanboy of me (?!). Holy crap, camming is exhilarating and nerve-wracking. I felt like a paranoid mom, checking to make sure my webcam wasn’t automatically turning on. I want Danny to see me in my hottest form, not with disheveled hair and in my pajamas drinking a Rockstar. Shit.

When he left the session taunting us that he was going to go jack off in a corner, I knew what I had to do: I retrieved my Rough Sex DVD and went to town watching him and Sasha Grey. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #12

Jack-off Journal #12

October 1st, 2010

WHY WHY WHY WHY:

WHY WHY WHY WHY.

November 13th, 2010

I took a break from playing Plants vs. Zombies

…to watch a new Burning Angel porno, Doppelganger. The first scene was set in a DILDO FACTORY. I promptly skipped it, though, because solo scenes are boooring.

I found myself at Jiz Lee and Joanna Angel’s scene, which begins with them trying to pitch the idea of the new Joanna Angel sex doll to a bunch of corporate dudes. The dudes aren’t paying attention, so Jiz asks, “don’t you guys find this the least bit exciting?” Some dude replies, “um, not as exciting as… HAPPY HOUR AT MOTHERFUCKIN’ APPLEBEE’S!” Then all the dudes get up and leave the room whilst singing “FUZZY NAVEL TIIIIME.”

Amazing. . . . read the rest

Jack-off Journal #11

Jack-off Journal #11

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.]

August 5th, 2010

Today I watched Justine Joli: Lost with Saraid, which I had been eagerly anticipating. Very quickly realized it was a mistake to have anticipated it. Despite some awesome pairings, the camera angles consistently lacked close-up genital shots (which Saraid and I live for), plus the scenery was terrible and the between-scenes stuff was amazingly bad. I would not have survived without our conversation.

Epiphora: this is so dramatic. is this a sitcom? hello houses
Saraid: I feel like bob saget should pop up
Epiphora: bob saget loves sasha grey

Scene one: Justine Joli and Claire Adams. . . . read the rest

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