April Fool’s!

I like to pull your leg.

Yep, I actually put tiny dildos in my vagina

Yep, I actually put tiny dildos in my vagina

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section: (Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.) First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas. But . . . read more

Review: Tiny Dildos

Review: Tiny Dildos

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.] Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged. Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon, Fun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in . . . read more

April Fool's wrap-up (+bloopers!)

April Fool’s wrap-up (+bloopers!)

Enjoy: bloopers from my April Fool’s Day video review: I had many ideas for April Fool’s Day this year, but the idea of a sex toy video review was solidified one night when I realized I could craft a video which began well but devolved into a pile of shit. It would start out great, with an awesome theme song and me being my charming1 self. Then there would be strange cuts. Bad lighting. I would say weird shit I wouldn’t normally say. But it would happen slowly, so that for as long as possible, the illusion of sincerity would remain. Then at the end? The same theme song, performed horribly. Even with this idea, I knew it would be hard to fool . . . read more

Video review: Princessa

Video review: Princessa

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review. I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. For this video review, I . . . read more

Say hi to my new sponsors!

Say hi to my new sponsors!

[Edit: Although I do love these companies, this is an April Fool’s joke. GOTCHU.] Being a niche blog, and one dedicated to something that a percentage of inhabitants of earth refuse to even talk about, I’ve spent years growing relationships with companies in the adult industry alone. But a few months back, one of my friends suggested reaching out to more “mainstream” places, like those who make my favorite non-dildo products. The idea sounded just crazy enough that it might work. Heaps and heaps of emails and wishful thinking later, I’m happy (and surprised) to report that five companies have agreed to sponsor me and the orifices/appendages that are not my genitals. These things can’t give me orgasms, but they will . . . read more

We got you!

We got you!

So, I pulled my most elaborate April Fool’s Day prank ever this year. A faux Indiegogo campaign, sketches of potential products, a site re-design, a newsletter, a promotional video… even with the help of my partner in crime, Lorax Of Sex, it was an exhausting, delirium-inducing endeavor. But worth it? I’ve become somewhat notorious for my April Fool’s Day jokes, as has the internet in general. In 2010, I started with a bang with my Cherry-Scented Vibro Dong review coupled with a soul-crushingly ugly site design. In 2011, I wrote an ~*~*~*~* Adult intimate product review!! *~*~*~*~ and redesigned my blog into a mommy blogger nightmare. Last year I was more subtle, publishing a serious-sounding post about upcoming terrible blog changes. This year, I wanted to go . . . read more

Help fund the Joy Ride!

Help fund the Joy Ride!

[We got you — April Fool’s!] I cannot explain how excited I am right now, peeps. To finally be able to reveal a project Lorax Of Sex and I have been working on for some time. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna go apeshit. With over 10+ years combined experience in the sex toy industry, Lorax and I have seen our fair share of wonderful and disastrous toys. Every week it seems like there’s some new ~revolutionary~ device that promises neverending orgasms and eternal happiness. Most of these products are invented by hacks who have visited a sex toy shop a grand total of once. Many months ago, Lorax Of Sex and I started talking more seriously about teaming up to make a . . . read more

A few changes around here

A few changes around here

[APRIL FOOL’S! Take none of this seriously! My past April Fool’s jokes have been pretty blatant, so I went with a more subtle approach this time.] Don’t crucify me, peeps, but I’m starting to get burnt out on reviewing sex toys. I know, I know! Of course, I’m too obsessed with sex toys to ever completely stop writing about them. But I feel like I need to change things up a little around here so I can keep my sanity. You’ll still read, won’t you? I’ll still bring my trademark snark; I’ll just be broadening my reviewing horizons a bit. For example, there are a lot of innovative and groundbreaking sex products that I’ve overlooked in the past for judgmental . . . read more

Fooled again!?

Fooled again!?

Look, I had to top last year’s April Fool’s joke. And although perhaps you were less shocked this time, I think I succeeded: Delta O. Venus called it “a festival for the senses.” Vid Tuesday said, “I love that fucking tight Myspace design you’ve got kickin’. And that dolphin toy looks tight.” Lovehoney exclaimed, “It’s a thing of beauty! So much beauty, crashing all over.” Holly informed me, “I showed the boyfriend your site. In his words, ‘this is disgusting!’” I was very pleased to hear that a few of you experienced your browsers crashing due to my site! I must say, though, my favorite was this email from a concerned reader: subject: Your Website is Having an Issue I’m . . . read more