Dec 272013
 

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iGino partying with a tequila shotWelcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER.

The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it would spook every human and animal within a 50-foot radius, and potentially get you arrested for disturbing the peace.

iGino is a horrible name for a sex toy. But then, it makes so much sense. The iGino would go clubbing. The iGino would drink shitty tequila. The iGino would say “YOLO.” The iGino would will throttle your clitoris while emitting guttural yells.

Resembling a deck of cards, a pack of cigarettes, or an iPhone with a hard-on, the iGino has the regrettable tagline “What Women Want.” I can only assume that the people behind iGino have only a cursory understanding of this, since their idea of “what women want” includes rampant pink, flower-shaped attachments, one speed, and a buzzing sound which I’m certain that, if endured for long enough, would induce psychopathy. You think I’m kidding, but I’m really not:

EDITED TO ADD this quote from my friend:

My partner was snoring, dead asleep late one night and I was reading your review from my phone, because I couldn’t sleep. I played the video and he slept through it until the iGino… he then bolted upright and was all bewildered trying to figure out what the noise was. Even more amusing, he has no memory of this happening because he went right back to sleep.

Funded a whopping 14% on Indiegogo, almost everything about the iGino comes with a trademark symbol after it, and almost all of it is a lie. The biggest, most egregious lie is the “technology” that they call “vibraMoove™.” (Of course. We must always come up with ridiculous code names for “technologies” now.) Supposedly, the nub on this toy mimics the movement of a finger.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

No.

All it does is move back and forth at a high velocity, so high that it simply feels like very strong vibrations. There is no human finger that could ever feel like this. The single-speed stimulation is extreme, it is intense, it makes me burn if I dare to use it directly on my clit. There is a COMPLETE LACK OF SUBTLETY, which is odd because I thought women were delicate little flowers? Get your story straight, iGino.

Orgasms with the iGino are like being on Solitary (one of the best most perverse reality shows ever), where you can’t vomit because if you do, “your body will have quit for you.” It’s like that, only with an orgasm. Your body surrenders to the stimulation, whether you like it or not. And trust me — you don’t like it. As The Redhead Bedhead put it:

This toy is like that dude you go home from a club with even though you know you aren’t into him and then you get off but you feel weird about it . . . I felt like this toy bullied my clitoris into an orgasm. After a few minutes I really didn’t want to get off with this toy, I didn’t want to give it the satisfaction, but my body betrayed me and I resented it.

And that, my friends, is why you may have heard, from a source or two, that the iGino is “okay” or “not bad.” Although it’s no better than any other one-speed vibrator, it’s on the end of the spectrum that’s strong enough to induce orgasm. Some people are swayed by orgasms. Stronger souls are not.

Text message from Lorax of Sex: "Just jimmied the toy cupboard open with a butter knife so that I wouldn't have to try and jack off with the iGino. I know you'll understand."

And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a one-speed vibrator, according to the people at iGino:

About the speed, you can feel different kinds of movement with and without the skintouch head on and you can consider that the “Vibramoove” allows to vary the intensity of the stimulation simply by changing the inclination of the contact surface. This is the reason why we don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.

We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.
We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.
We don’t believe in the importance of a multispeed device.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

So yes, it comes with three flimsy light pink rings made out of ethylene vinyl acetate (EVA), which you may know as “that thin foam stuff that moms use in scrapbooking.” The ring sits between the nub and the body of the toy. This is their solution to the fact that there’s a hole between the nub and the body of the toy. Really. The thing is not waterproof or splashproof.

It also comes with a flower-shaped piece of foam — this is the famed “skinTouch head™.” Lie #532: it has “a skin-like finish and feel that is warm and soft to the touch.” Last I checked, foam is neither warm nor skin-like. Unless you only date scrapbooks.

EVA is also porous. So god forbid you use the iGino while on your period — the foam will be ruined. Sorry, woman, better go hide away in a cave somewhere until the world is ready for your repulsive self. I feel pretty strongly that if a sex toy cannot handle my uterine lining, it is not “what women want.” Hell, if the PVC Deen Peen could take it, the iGino should too. I’m a modern woman, and I expect to be able to heavily soil my sex toys and then scrub them sparkling clean afterward.

The only things I didn’t hate about the iGino were its shape (surprisingly easy to grasp) and its cover (even that has a stupid name — hyGienic cover™). Everything else I hated: the sound, the pink, the tagline, the single speed bullshit, the SOUND, the foam attachments, the 12-hour initial charging time, THAT FUCKING SOUND, and also — the orgasms.

Just accept it: the world has yet to create anything that truly feels like a finger or enhances fingers in any meaningful way. The closest approximations — SaSiIdaHello Touch, and Fukuoku — suuuuuck. The LELO Mia ($69) remains the best self-contained USB-rechargeable vibrator. The Wahl ($15) is the best, cheapest STRONG vibrator, and its gumdrop-shaped tip is similar to the iGino’s. The Eroscillator ($140) doesn’t feel like a finger, but the marshmallow attachment is squishy and the oscillating stimulation is unique.

The iGino, though, is just another crowdfunded nightmare. iGino One: If This Is What Women Want, I’m Handing Over My Gender Card.

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com/ dizzygirl

    Video cracked me up. Glad I passed on reviewing this one.

  • Rayne Millaray

    I keep thinking, “Maybe I’ll try it.” And then another review goes up, and I’m so glad I haven’t.

  • Jillian Boyd

    OH MY GLOB, THAT NOISE WILL HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP

  • sheboppin

    uhhh why so loud and why 12 hours!!

    This video in great. And I don’t know how I never noticed your hidden snarks before when I mouse over the links.

  • http://www.redheadbedhead.com/ The Redhead Bedhead

    I mean, yeah. All of it. Just, yeah.

    “My toy is so discreet. People think it’s my iPod. No one will ever know I’m about to touch my lady bits right now. EXCUSE ME AS I TALK OVER THE SOUND OF SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A DISCREET MASTURBATORY DEVICE!!!”

    Oh iGino… you’ve given us so much amusement for the past 6 months.

    This review totally taught me that I can make my links say things when I hover over them! Bonus!

  • Katie

    I really love that you compared it with an emulsion blender. It makes me ridiculously happy for some reason. Also, it helps cement my desire to avoid it at all costs.

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    The noise reminds me of My Celebrator, which I thought would be a poor woman’s eroscillator. Instead it’s just an irritatingly noisy clit violator and a waste of money I could’ve put towards my eroscillator that actually works. The eroscillator is so quiet that I turned mine on (not while using it, mind you) last night while on the phone with a friend. She said she couldn’t hear it.

  • http://arollinthehay.com/ arollinthehay

    “…the ‘Vibramoove’ allows to vary the intensity of the stimulation simply by changing the inclination of the contact surface.”
    I remember being told that when I was about to write my review. I was, like, you want me to tilt it if I want a different speed? Is that what you’re saying?

    Honestly, after I wrote my review, it went into the box of will-probably-never-use-again-ever toys.

  • Skies

    I honestly don’t understand why anyone makes sex toys that aren’t splash proof for people with vaginas. Like… ???

  • Lucas Brooks

    I am continuously appalled by the things people think are a good idea. Nothing about the presentation of this toy comes off as pleasurable or groundbreaking. They make the Shit Orb™ look like high art.

  • http://loraxofsex.com/ Lorax Of Sex

    OH MY FUCK I LOVED SOLITARY TOO. I wish it would come back. Solitary more.0 I need you!

  • http://www.mystrapon.net/ Pamela Pegwell

    What I’d really like to see is a documentary or in-depth article series that explores how sex toys are developed and tested, because I don’t understand how so many poorly-designed sex toys get the greenlight for mass production. Do they not having testing phases where women get to try out the prototypes? How do they come to the conclusion that women in 2013 would be satisfied with a one-speed, noisy vibrator that looks like a pack of cards? I’d really love to know the thought process.

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com/ dizzygirl

    I don’t really want my sex toys to feel like a finger anyway. I already have fingers and I know how to use them. I like sex toys because they don’t feel like stimulation another human could give me.

  • Heaven

    Damn I got one of these coming that I won, oh lord.

  • ArchVixen

    OMG, your video made me laugh so damn hard! I just can’t get over how loud it is. Seriously, I don’t think I could ever use/enjoy it because of that noise.

  • Jeroen

    Great review, once again!

    Whilst it wasn’t meant to be funny, I laughed out loud at your video. Since this fucker makes *that* much noise, I wouldn’t be suprised if you compared it with a laundry washer in your video. That might be the only *good* thing about this vibe, it can emulate the noise from a washer.

  • Elena Kate

    Gud thing it is SEWWW discreet and dosnt look lyk a dick LOL! OMG just fits right in my poket and NOONE noes wut it is!

    But seriously. There’s just so much going on here. It is a hard plastic toy that is supposed to feel like a finger? In the shape of a phone??? I… it… there are no words.
    Except, holy shit, can we stop capitalizing random letters to make made-up technology seem unique and innovative? tHis viBe is so speCial. Shut up.

  • Elena Kate

    Also, this.

  • Stephanie Rector

    My thoughts exactly. If I wanted to masturbate with something that felt like a finger, I would use…my finger.

  • http://tjthemadhatter.com/ TJtheMadHatter

    You’re right. It does look like an iphone. The nub looks like something you’d find at a mall kiosk to “decorate” your cellphone, by sticking it in the headphones outlet. Your noise comparison vid blew me away. The hair clipper is a dead ringer. This toy wouldn’t work for me in the slightest. I like being able to place a toy along side of my clit with the toy slightly above and below it. What the fuck is up with the foam flower? How is that going to help? Nothing about the shape makes me think, “Just what I need!”. Nope. It makes me think someone reached into their arts and crafts box and said, “Here, this will make it look like we tried.”

  • http://hopefiending.wordpress.com/ Britni

    “Last I checked, foam is neither warm nor skin-like. Unless you only date scrapbooks.”

    Thank you for this.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Are you dating a scrapbook? :)

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS TRAVESTY

  • http://hopefiending.wordpress.com/ Britni

    HOW DID YOU KNOW?

  • http://hopefiending.wordpress.com/ Britni

    OMG WHUT.

  • http://www.pennysdirtythoughts.com/ Penny

    Holy shit if I used that I’d be afraid I’d accidentally chop of my clit…that sound!

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com/ dizzygirl

    I’d kinda like it if it didn’t have the name on it.

  • Elena Kate

    I’m thinking Photoshop.

  • Elena Kate

    But I have no idea who would take the time to do this.