May 212013
 

January 24th, 2013

I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly Kane, but turns out it was just a 9-minute smothering video and only about 3 minutes contained actual naked pussy over mouth. My next choice of smut, then, was the Hangover parody — James Deen’s scene with Dana Dearmond. At one point I minimized it, and suddenly it sounded like a tiger tearing flesh. APPARENTLY THIS WAS HAPPENING:

James Deen and Dana Dearmond in The Official Hangover Parody

Something similar took place earlier in the month when I was watching Kristina Rose: Unfiltered. Is this a hot new ~thing~? Please say no. It hurts my skin.

Kristina Rose: Unfiltered

Throughout all of this, one of my cats kept insistently yowling at me. So I got up and shuffled into the kitchen, pajama pants around my ankles, to give her some treats. “I’m glad you don’t understand how ridiculous I look right now,” I said to her. Then I returned to my post at the desk and finished jacking off.

February 14th, 2013

For the first time in months after getting the Nexplanon in my arm, I was bleeding. Fairly heavily. Most of it was just chilling in my vagina, though, waiting to be carved out with a toy. So I did that with the best possible object: the Jopen Key Comet G Wand. I also tried this new lube, Please Cream from Good Vibes. Boy is it white!

You’d think a movie called Anal Plungers would have nothing of substance, but then… James Deen happens. In a scene with Lily LaBeau and this camera angle…

James Deen and Lily Labeau in Anal Plungers

He stops thrusting and just watches her get herself off — a quiet, nearly silent orgasm punctuated only by him growling “oh my god” as he watches.

UGH, JAMES DEEN, YOU’RE TOO MUCH ALWAYS.

March 1st, 2013

As I was masturbating, the cat came and LAID BETWEEN MY ANKLES, on top of my dropped pajama pants. Motherfucker is clueless.

When I was done, I instant messaged my boyfriend.

Epiphora: okay i am done and all obscene objects have been removed from my orifices
Epiphora: you are free to roam

March 23rd, 2013

Morning. I woke up from an actual nightmare in which I was super horny but every toy I reached for had no charge1, so I uncharacteristically wanted to jack off before even leaving bed. Since I’m a freak and none of my toys are in the bedroom, I had to go get one out of my drawers in the living room. I grabbed the Leaf Life because in the dream it was the dead, distressing one. Jacked off with a snoozing cat in bed next to me.

April 11th, 2013

Ready to get shit done, the sex toys of this masturbation session were entirely determined by reader emails. People often ask me things that I can’t answer until I jack off — a funny predicament to have. And so I lugged out the LELO SmartWands and several Vixen dildos for the purpose of definitively answering questions.

But the SmartWands were dead, drained of a charge, and my self-control is disgustingly bad. This is the session I called “a disastrous failure on several reviewer-levels” because, despite three orgasms (one on each setting of Britni’s Eroscillator — no joke), I repeatedly came too soon and didn’t gather nearly enough information. This is my life.

April 19th, 2013

I sat down with the Eroscillators and the Fun Factory Stronic Eins once and for all, feasting my eyes on Code of Honor. Watching James Deen and Stoya ooze cuteness all over each other, I tweeted, “Testing sex toys that are good while watching @JamesDeen and @Stoya is a recipe for disaster.”

James Deen and Stoya in Code of Honor

AND THEN STOYA REPLIED.

The whole time I was like PLAY IT COOL, EPIPHORA, PLAY IT COOL. I wasn’t always sold on her, but now I’m officially ruling her adorable. What do you guys say — I should definitely add “and Stoya replied to me on Twitter once” to my about page, right?

I had four fucking orgasms by the end of this session. Told you so.

May 3rd, 2013

Picking up where I left off on April 11th, I laid out a smorgasbord of sex toys for comparison. Yet I remained doubtful that I’d use all of them, because, uh, there were NINE.

 Left to rightEroscillatorsLELO Smart WandsHathor lubeVixen Johnny,
Vixen OutlawVixen MaverickVixen BuckVixen Mustang.

The field was immediately narrowed when neither of the Smart Wands would turn on. Those fucking Smart Wands do not hold a charge for shit. I am over them.

I watched Allie Haze: I Love Sex, in a scene which did not include Allie Haze but rather Sasha Sweet. Chosen, of course, for the Deen. But what I got instead was a PORN BOMB.

James Deen and Sasha Sweet in Allie Haze I Love Sex

When it was all said and done (and all toys had been placed in/on me at various points), I had around five orgasms. Because apparently I’d rather just have more orgasms than exercise some self-control.

May 7th, 2013

Called an emergency porn-watching party with my mates so we could consume Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. I tried to persuade the others not to read the numerous articles about the video so as to avoid spoilers. Such as: Farrah doesn’t know how to unbutton a man’s jeans. Farrah uses the same tone of voice with James Deen as she does with her 4-year-old daughter. And most distressingly of all… Farrah squirts.

Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom squirting

All-out pandemonium set in when we saw the squirting. It was unequivocal. I was thinking it might be a dribble, but it was definitely a gush. Still, it seemed more like a physiological reaction than an orgasmic moment. Afterward, she responded in her usual way — “I never squirt, beebee. That’s weird. You’re sexy” — in precisely same fashion that my boyfriend said the other day, while dabbing at his nostrils, “this is weird. I never get nosebleeds.”

Real talk: there were things about this porno that made me (and my cohorts) genuinely sad. The Redhead Bedhead said it best: “I think I could successfully argue that abstinence-only education is responsible for this monstrosity.” There was very little joy in the video. She didn’t even kiss him with any passion. I was highly bothered by her inability to pleasure herself; she literally rubbed everything except her clit.

And she wanted to rush through everything. Bless his heart, James Deen tried to implement safer sex practices such as warming up before anal. He made jokes, whispered in her ear, and did his best to play along with the “sex tape” facade, but quickly and palpably realized his efforts were moot. He tried to hide it, but you could tell that he — the man who tweets things like “grapes are pretty cool” — was embarrassed to be having sex with such a soulless, inarticulate human being. You could read it all over his penis.

And she wasn’t doing so hot either. Her moans sounded like “ow” more than “oh.” She complained about her ass being in pain. She eyed the camera disconcertingly, as if she could will time to pass quicker. After the sex, the way she covered her face with a pillow and murmured “I’m embarassed” was truly brutal.

Sugarcunt managed to sum up the experience gloriously, but I’ll just say this: all of it was an insult to people everywhere who would give anything to fuck James Deen.

  1. First-world problems to the MAX. []
  • Brittany Zick

    Poor James Deen’s dick…so very sad. I weep for it.

  • http://www.shevibe.com/ Sandra

    Just when I think I’m over porn, ya make me wanna watch just a lil more…

  • Glumbumble

    Your boyfriend honestly locks himself up in the bedroom while you masturbate at the computer desk? I find that so different. My husband always jacks off in the morning and at night, and on his days off he says he’ll sometimes do it 5 or so times during the day while I’m away at work. But whenever I’m home he always asks for my help. And he’s always disappointed when I admit to masturbating while he was away. Granted, I don’t do it often, so I can see why he would be.

    Can you recommend any other toy review sites similar in writing style to yours? I tried reading some of the blogs you mention in your side bars, but I got turned away fast when the first few posts I started reading were about taking medication for depression, bad body image, and other stuff that I felt was a bit too personal since I was only looking for an honest reviewer. That’s what I love about your blog. It strikes a good balance between the sex and the personal stuff, and I find your boyfriend’s comments to be hilarious. I think my husband would have reacted the exact same way if I’d asked him if he wanted a Fleshlight.

    Ideally I would love to read a sex blog by someone who shares my condition, Vaginsimus. When I read your blog I find myself very wistful and envious at how horny you seem to be and easy it is for you to get off and just how much you seem to enjoy the whole experience. I figured maybe you would know if such a blog exists since you probably have a lot of connections and you know the more popular bloggers.

    Btw, bought the Mona 2 based off your review. Eagerly waiting for it now. I’m hoping it can be a good start for me in terms of trying to insert and maybe (hopefully) find my g-spot. But mostly I’m just hoping to get past the pain part. I have a silicone realistic shaped dildo I bought a few years ago that I just cannot use because the natural bump on the head causes me a great deal of pain upon entry and removal.

    Sorry to go on so much, I only recently came across your blog and I just finished going through all your entries. Boy has your writing style come a long way, and definitely for the better ^^ There’s such a huge difference from past to present.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    Just not the Teen Mom one.

  • http://heyepiphora.com/ Epiphora

    I’m not sure what you’re picturing, but when I masturbate, literally all my boyfriend does is close the door to his room (where his computer is). I review sex toys for a living; there is no way I’d be able to confine my masturbation sessions to only when he’s at work, nor would I want to. Nor would I allow anyone to dictate when I can and cannot jack off.

    All the blogs I follow are listed in my blogroll, but of course they’re not all going to be solely sex toy reviews. There are a shit ton of sex toy reviewers out there, but I find a lot of them dull and/or wishy-washy. For reviews, I particularly recommend Sugarcunt, Girly Juice, Lilly, and Navigator.

    Unfortunately I don’t know of any sex bloggers with Vaginismus, but a quick search for just bloggers with Vaginismus pulled up quite a few results.

    You’re a freaking champ for reading through all my posts. I still cringe at some of my old writing, for sure.

  • http://hopefiending.wordpress.com/ Britni

    JAMES DEEN.

    That is all.

  • http://novelteez.blogspot.com/ dizzygirl

    Me and the husband are cool with masturbation. I don’t care where and when he does and vice versa. He got a Fleshlight, at my recommendation. He likes it.

    As far as sex toy reviewing, I’m just a pimple on the ass.. but you mention bloggers talking about taking medication for depression. If you don’t like reading about that, that’s cool. I get it. It is actually something that will be coming up from time to time on my blog. Doesn’t mean I can’t write a review when it’s time to do that. When I’m talking about myself then, stuff like that’ll come up.

    Keep in mind too, when you’re just starting to review sex toys and you’re clawing and scratching your way up, you don’t have a steady supply of products to review all the time. So one might fill in the slow periods with posts of all kinds of things. Though in my case, you can always use the tags to not look at that stuff.

    The reason for the talk of medication? It causes sexual difficulties… not quite like yours but debilitating none the less.

    I hope you find what you’re looking for in the blogosphere.

  • http://www.naughtynuala.com nuala macmoragh

    I felt a little drool coming out of my mouth while perving the photo with all the Vixskin toys. I have a Mustang, Maverick on your recommendation, and someone talked me into the Lonestar, which is so far my favorite. For me it’s the perfect size, and has the right amount of hard inner vs. soft outer, not to mention the texture. It gets used on my boyfriend a lot, too–it’s easy to hold and thrust with with lube all over my hands, and it’s just the right stiffness for pegging.

    The other day, one of my cats saw me gathering up toys and actually perched himself over the pulled back sheets, like he was taking his seat for the show. I’m thinking about revoking his rights to be in the room when I jack off because it’s getting creepy.

  • http://carolinepeterson.tumblr.com/ faithlessjuliet

    Whenever I masturbate, my cats always think that this is the perfect time to cuddle.

  • Glumbumble

    It’s not so much that I mind, I guess it’s just the way in which it’s written and I suppose not exactly what I was looking for when I went searching for sex toy reviewers. Obviously everybody has a different way of writing, and when I was branching out from Epiphora’s (who is the first sex blogger I’ve read) I suppose I was looking for something very similar to the way she writes.

    It makes sense when you put it that way, you obviously can’t talk about something you don’t have, but at the same time you want to stay active to encourage readers to stick around.

  • Glumbumble

    I suppose to me it’s just very different because my husband would be the first one there to watch if I started masturbating. And it’s not that I hold off until he’s at work, for some reason I get in the mood more often in the afternoon (I guess you could call me an afternoon person since I hate the mornings and I get too sleepy at night ^^). And if it happens to be my day off and he’s at work, then I’ll usually masturbate. If he’s at home with me, we’ll usually do something together. Sometimes by my choice, more often by his. I guess it’s a little different for us because of my lack of sex drive and his over abundant sex drive. I’m hoping in time my sex drive will go up if/when my pain clears up.

    Okay, thanks for the recommendations. I saw a few of Sugarcunt’s posts and I found them to be entertaining and engaging. And I liked Girly Juice’s reviews of some of the lubes that she’s tried. I’m on the search for something better (I currently use Wet Original). I need something that will last longer, so I’ve already marked down Sliquid and a few others I’ve read about to purchase in the future.

    It would be neat to be the first sex blogger with Vaginismus. Though I guess my sexcapades wouldn’t be as interesting as your jack off journals. I also have to say that you have a very well thought out website. I love the linkage you give in your posts (very appreciative of those little number thingies where you expand on what you said and how I can just hover my mouse over it to read, very nice). And your colour choice is made more apparent and visually appealing after I checked out some other blogs. What a difference, let me tell you.

  • Adriana Ravenlust

    Awesome that she replied. I also “suffer” from coming too fast. C’est la vie!

  • http://novelteez.blogspot.com/ dizzygirl

    Yeah, I got ya. There are some review blogs out there that are very impersonal and the bloggers really just stick to the facts.

    They rarely reveal anything unique or different about themselves… just talk about the toy…how big it is, what color…yadda, yadda. It’s all in what you’re looking for I guess.

    I kind of like getting to know things about the bloggers, who they are, what they like, what kind of struggles they face. To me, that kind of content is what differentiates between reading the manufacturer’s description and reading about a “real” person’s experience.

    And it doesn’t even matter to me if the blogger has some kind of condition that I don’t have. I still find reading about how their unique, individual circumstances come through in their review. Like, I think it would be interesting to read reviews by a blogger with the same condition that you have, even though I don’t have it. I think it’s good to try to see things from other people’s perspectives.

    I don’t want to monopolize Epiphora’s comments section here so…

    I will say that if she’s the first you’ve read then the bar has been set pretty high. She has a style all her own. We can’t all expect to be that awesome. ;)

    Feel free to stop by my place sometime if you want. You’re welcome there. I’m just getting started with the blogging so, I’m kind of all over the place right now. Trying to find my voice, really.

    I hope you have some good luck finding toys that can help you overcome your Vaginsimus.

  • http://www.pennysdirtythoughts.com/ Penny

    Yes, I think you should definitely add that Stoya replied to you on Twitter to your about page, lol.

    And “I’m embarrassed”…how sad and horrible for everyone involved.

  • Sugarcunt

    Those dreams are the worst. True, relevant fact: most of my sex
    dreams are about masturbating and being unable to climax. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

  • http://beckandherkinks.com/ Beck

    I sat through and managed to watch that Teen Mom porn. She completely annoyed me the entire time. Really, who says ” I left my brain at home when I came to hang out with you.”

    Poor James was barely hard even when he was really pounding her.

  • Insatiaslut

    I like you also really hope the odd biting thing does not become the next sexy thing. There is sexy biting and then there is this weird strange bite whatever is closest to you thing and that isn’t really my definition of sexy.

  • JL

    I’m totally one of those “bite down on whatever’s closest” people. It’s like clawing at the sheets, but for the orally fixated. ^.^

  • Sarah

    sexy sexy sexy!!!

  • http://rampantrabbitvibrators.co.uk/ Nikki

    Excellent post, Bit pervy but i can get it!