Jun 012012
 

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)?

Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “ocean mist” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose.

Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums

These things are a staple at sex toy parties, where they are passed around, rubbed floppily on dry skin, and inevitably cooed at. I like to imagine that the poor ladies only pretend to be entranced by these things, worried that revealing their actual alarm would disturb the universe in some way. But that is probably me being optimistic.

Plasticky jelly texture + shower curtain jelly smell + pointy jelly nubs that are on the verge of being spikes… yeah, I think they figured out the formula for the EXACT OPPOSITE of sensual.

But I do like this particularly deflated mitt, as it seems to have given up on life the way that I do when I hear the ladies cooing.

  • http://elspethdemina.wordpress.com/ Elspeth Demina

    “Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements?” All the damn time! Whatchoo sayin’ ’bout my proclivities? :P

    I’ll betcha those things pick cat hair up off the couch like a boss though. I’ll stick with my vampire gloves, when I want sensation mitts.

  • http://nymphetaminekiss.blogspot.com NymphetamineKiss

    Yeah, leather spiked gloves can find their way all over my ass… but these monstrosities? Keep ‘em the hell away from me, unless you want to engage in some non-consensual “me shoving it down your throat” play.

  • http://www.dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    This could also be used to brush your cat, if you were an uncaring bitch. But since we’re nice cat ladies, we won’t.

  • Caroline

    When I went to a sex toy party when I was 18, these “pleasure mitts” were indeed passed around. And women did coo. I, however, did not. It felt like one of those spiky/gummy toys that you get from a coin-operated toy dispenser at your local Piggly Wiggly.

  • LucyLemonade

    Oh my, nothing about this screams sexy, pleasurable or love. Unless you’re a masochist.

  • http://buzzonvibes.com buzzvibe

    We used to bathe horses with these before the Grooma came out. Works better than a curry comb.

  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    Yet, at every sex toy party, they lube one up and rub it all over you

  • Tricia Jancovich

    Oh my gosh, I pay $20 for one of these to brush my horse!

  • Robin McClanahan

    And there are many MUCH more effective and sexier looking toys for masochists. LOL

Read previous post:
Hey Epiphora on Kindle, looking all fancy
Hey Epiphora delivered to your Kindle

Dudes! You can now subscribe to my blog on your Kindle! After you subscribe, my full blog posts will be auto-delivered wirelessly to your Kindle...

Close